***Of Crushed Dreams and Wishful Thinkings***

Have you ever wondered about your life's decisions that led you to where you are right now in the present time and the person that you've become because of those choices? Do you wake up the morning after thinking and possibly fooling yourselves of how content you are with life when you are a ball of knots in the inside and there is this inner voice constantly reminding you that things could be so much clearer and so much better.And you cannot help but wonder "If only...."

As I sit here in my office looking out my window at the gloomy weather wondering why is it that the rain always make you feel nostalgic?I think back of how I grew up right to those school years and uni days, the acquaintances that I've made, the encounters with crushes and the countless first loves ;P, achievements and failures...all of those experiences turning you into the person you are today. Was it meant to be this? I cannot help but think of the path I took growing and wondered what were to happen if I did this or that? Would my life take a detour towards better or worse? Regrets you say? Not regrets but a yearning. A yearning for betterment. A yearning for the potential not just settle for "just because". I have always been a over achiever, a dweller into the deepest of rationales and thoughts. Though I feel like a Type A personality the tests always comes back with an A+B, a little of both worlds. Still I cannot help wanting to make things a little better...to live with a certain level of potential. Of course for every road you trudge there are bound to be some hindrances, the lack of needed support here and there and the unwanted voices telling you to be wise and asking you to take your time. If only they knew of how messed up things are and how messed up I am inside for wanting better. So it is at times like these you sort out within yourself internally and vow to stand on your own and try no matter what to make things happen for the betterment of yourself, your marriage and your own family. Not for vendetta never for vendetta. My intended goal is just to make things clearer and better for the sake of my family. I want so much to be happy and in this case happy means to carry on with that very intention - that yearning! So I may sometimes cut myself out from your perception of a bond for I do not want to pretend to be happy when I am not. I may not be what you expect for I am not him and he may be your pride and joy. You and him, you form the perfect bond that is unbreakable even during your times of dispute. I can't be that, I certainly can't be him and I certainly don't want to for as much as I love him, I hate his obnoxious side. And that remark from his mouth I will certainly not forget. I know you want to be me..you want to have it all like me though you live the life that I have always wanted for myself, you will never come close though I wish for happiness and success for you always. But sometimes, it feels like I've been betrayed by over and over by flesh and blood.

So, yes! I do wish for different. But I would not change that part of my past for it has made me a shield and protected me. Over the years, I have learned to accept and just like now, I will again continue to accept. I did not have the rightful support then and I grew up yearning for better. I am here now still yearning but this time I know something will materialize because of it and the satisfaction is knowing that I will get there regardless of your remarks and your half-hearted support cause now I have my own life line.

***Something New***

Like the new look for solitude?? Just thought I'd try something new and it is growing on me!

***Timeout Timekeeper***

I think I know now why they termed it "The Terrible Two". Daanya will turn two next month and I think lately she has introduced to us a gist of what "two" will be like. I foresee a year of temper tantrums and probably alot of mummy's voice screeching away trying to keep order. I also foresee alot of disciplining muahahaha....

Actually, the first year was very quiet and a cute phase I think. Alot of discovery my young one had done (sounding a bit like Yoda here!). Evidently we were very proud, content and amused of her abilities and potential. Somehow, now that she is approaching t-w-o, we or at least me, I found her to be very vocal and loud making clear of her demands. She clearly thinks that she can still get away with murder in our house!Something needs to be done and FAST!!! A mummy's patience is being tested here!!!

We lately introduced "time-out" not as a mean of punishment but basically to keep a distance between her and us when she is out of order. Before time-outs, I find that I am unable to control my frustrations causing me to nag non-stop like a parrot on steroids..and I really hate turning into that kind of a mom...so time-outs keep order around our house (Yeah, I sound like I have a household filled with chaos, melodramatic remember???). Anyway, she now knows that whenever she is in time-out she had done something that mummy and daddy dislikes. And get this she actually stays in her time-out corner not moving away. She does of course cry apologetically while she's there and would often try to catch somemore of our attention by pretending to vormit (which sometimes, goo does come out at that attempt), or she would slide herself onto her tummy and pretended to hit her head on the floor....something to that extend to catch our attention but we let a good 2-3 minutes go by before resuming any attention back to her. I read somewhere that when you first introduce time-outs a good 2 minutes lapse will do. And so far this has worked for us. Whenever we say time-out she would immediately response no-no. Or when we console her after and talked about what she did that we did not like and asked her "do you want to be a naughty girl?" she would say no. Of course we hug and kiss kiss and immediately she would find some other way to annoy us...oh well...Anyhow, we are glad to announce that the disciplining period has now commenced....

I do pity her when she's in time-outs and often I'd crumble inside so wanting to say it is ok...but I know sometimes you have to be a little bit mean for the results to go a long way...So I do find myself being a little bit stronger now...the first few times, I wanted to cry having to hear my child pleading but now it gets better (yes, it has been numerous time-outs already!!!Don't let her looks fool ya!). Now, I see daddy resorting into the method too...hahaha this is a guy that spoils his kid rotten....well at least now he experience for himself what I have to deal with everyday and now knows that it is not all fun and games with us. She tests us alot now and I find it essential to let her know her boundaries. At the end, it is the hug that she gives and a peck on the cheek is enough for me to know that we're ok and hopefully later in her life she knows that this is all for the better...

***I am no supermom compared to her but I wanna be her***

As I was growing up, my imagination would always wander off and I used to imagine what it would've been like to have my own babies and having to take care of them, what it would be like to be a doting wife and most of all a doting mother. I always imagined only the best and beautiful of things. In my world of fantasy, my babies did not cry or have temper tantrums, I would'nt need to raise my voice at them and discipline them, they would be the perfect children. In those very fantasies, I would be the perfect wife who did not understand the word exhaustion keeping everything in its place and always catering to my husband's needs and minding the nest, so to speak. Fast forwarding to reality, now that I am a wife and a mother, it is in fact all that I never and certainly did not imagine things to be...hahaha.

Now that I am here, being the typical overly-thinking-into-things (some would call it drama queen!), type A+B individual, I cannot help thinking of the past and go "ppffftttt" what was I thinking??? Things now are pretty much the opposite of the things I imagined. I hardly have time to be the doting wife due to work hours and exhaustion there after, my kid throws temper tantrums whenever she feels like it resulting in me to sometimes lose it!!!

However, I know for a fact that what I am going through is the norm and many others are going through even messier situations...I know that this is peanut compared to one Kate Gosselin and how she manages her children, a set of twins and another set of sextuplets - making this a total of 8 children. I love to watch their show on Discovery, Jon & Kate plus 8 and just watching how she organizes their home and her children is totally astounding!!! and I so totally envy that. I never hear a complaint out of her and her hubby instead she finds humor in the most annoying and irritating situations when dealing with her children. I found that she only had good things to say of her husband and always thanked him for giving her a helping hand amidst her busy and hectic life. I cannot imagine having to do what she is doing on an everyday basis!!! Having twins to me is still manageable but having to deal with the other 6 of the same age must be totally CRAZY!!!and for that I salute her!!!! I have total respect for her...I love to see those children and how each has their individual needs and how well Kate and Jon recognizes each and every child as the individual that they are...and how she keeps things so well organized and on a schedule and still manages to keep order...and get this the children loves each other! and of course they have their casual spats but none of them fights for attention more than the other...meaning that each are equally paid attention to and they look so happy....OMG!!!I am so jealous!I don't know how she does it but she does it and for that she gets a gazillion stars on my books!!! So, Jon & Kate, this is a tribute for you and your family to thank you for making me realize how measly my troubles are when it comes to dealing with our little Daanya and balancing that with managing the household...I have such a profound respect for you and your husband, wish you all the love in the world and the good job you've done with the kids!!!



p/s: I always love to read about them and here is a mention of their interview with Oprah.