How fast time flies...It has been now 6 months since my little Daanya was born. We embrace and welcome her new development everyday....though taking care of her now requires mommy to swallow a dozen of red bull and 100+ just to gain energy, just being with her makes me proud, happy and contented. Funnily enough, when it comes to Daanya, I never complaint or even grouch about taking care of her or the works....just doing things for her is such a pleasure. Maybe I see it as my responsibility and I should not complaint but instead do my all to make her happy even if it means dark circles under my eyes....:P
Ok, what development this 6 months? Let see mmmmm... She now weighs at 8.8kg with 68cm in length....she still drinks 8 oz of milk 4 times a day and now have started a bit of SOLIDS!!!hehehhehe mommy just couldn't help it. Walking at the supermarket everyday during lunch hour passing the baby foods section is so tempting.For months they were calling out to me "Buy me...buy me"..Now that the time is here finally mommy get to splurge!!! So there I was carrying a whole plastic bag of gerbers and heinzs ooh don't forget the rice cereals...man, you just get confused there in that aisle...I actually stood there for I think 30 minutes just to figure out which rice cereal comes with milk and which does not....hahhahahahah in the end belasah one of each...hehhehehe...but Daanya is taking it in quite well...she loves the Gerber banana and Gerber prune and apple juice.....yummy yummy....
She is now crawling...crawl crawl everywhere....sometimes I feel like she's the Queen Bee and I am her "dayang" (what do you call this in English??)We would follow her everywhere just so that she can satisfy her curiosity...which also automatically means that we have to double up on the area of cleaning and sanitizing the house....
Just two weeks into her crawling, I was flabbergasted by a new development....One morning, she woke up early and had put her in the baby cot while I got ready for work...put on all the creams and what not on my face, put on my watch and combed my hair and when I turned to get her...She had her head up in a kneeling position and looked at me smiling as though she had achieved a long awaited success. I was so proud of her....yet so worried cause now it only means that we have to guard her even more....and daddy will have to lower her bed level so that she won't topple over...just after a while she tried the position again and then "Wham!!!" she STOOD UP!!!! she actually successfully from a kneeling position picked her own weight and stood up....Oh my!!!It was soooo twilight zone...ok...i said to myself..now didn't she just learned to crawl????huwaaaaaa mommy was just starting to adapt to the crawling and now the standing....**sigh**
Now she would crawl to a place when she can actually latch on and pick her self to stand...the coffee table, a stool, mommy and daddy....hahhahahah anything....
Other than that her vocab has also expanded from "mamamamama" to "dadada" hehhe so cute...she can also now amuse her ownself without having mummy and daddy to crack funny faces just to make her laugh...
She loves bringing her big toe into her mouth and suck away...."Nak adik" they say....I say "Are you Nuts!!!"
Will upload photos when I remember to charge camera's battery.....absent minded as always!!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
***Al-Fatihah***
How could such a repulsive thing happen to you? Why did it happen to you? How can we let it happen to you? Such pain such torture. You were so innocent and so pure. I cannot imagine what you went through...having to go through such an atrocious episode, being played like a rag doll by some BEAST!How could any being get enjoyment and willingly get satisfaction from the pain you endured? How could anyone just let you die without feeling guilty and remorse? What sort of a being are you? She was only a little girl, a little darling...so much waiting for her in the future, a human being just like any of us. So many potential just waiting to be discovered? Why do you have to play GOD and write her fate for her?
I cannot help but cry when Hazmy gave me an IM with the link to "The Star" online with the latest update that day saying that the DNA results proved 99.99% that the body was that of Nurin Jazlin. Tears streamed down my face instantaneously. As if on cue.I wanted so bad for it not to be her....especially after what her parents had to go through the first time when they claimed that it was not her body.But as her body was laid to rest, we just have to accept qada n qadar. That first 15 minutes, when TV3's buletin utama showcased the whole "pengkebumian" and recited the Fatihah, we, the whole family was sombre...we remained silent the whole time...
And her parents??? What is it that they felt must be difficult and shattering. What are you supposed to feel when you lose a child and on top of that to have seen her "like that" and to be done "like that"????like a piece of meat...I do not want to comment on her parents actions that led to such an awry end. But I do want to say this, how many times have our parents let us out even to the nearest of destinations like the playground just in front of the house, or a friends' house just blocks away??Of course they never thought that anything bad would happen but that is besides the point...the fact is they sometimes allowed us because they love us....they see us being cooped up at home and sometimes need a breath of fresh air, sometimes need to mingle and make friends and not be left out but most of all...sometimes need to be independent. Probably we were just lucky that nothing bad happened to us?? But who are we to say? Who knows what is written for us? Were Nurins's parents just unlucky?To charge them with negligence??? Are you nuts????Why??? Is it because you have absolutely no leads to the BEAST? Is it because you HAVE to make an arrest that just any arrest will do? If what they did was negligence, were our parents negligent too? Where is the boundary to being negligent?How about those child that were left alone in their apartment and one of them plunged out of the balcony? They were purposely left alone...at that age????Come on lar people!! Don't blind us....there is still a MANIAC predator at large.....sometimes I cannot help but totally surrender with the way we handle things? Why is it that our system is so reactive when we hunger so much to be proactive? Why isn't our streets safe anymore? Why is murder, robbery, rape and what other social predicament taking place so explicitly here in our country? What will the future hold for our children and their children's children?
Honestly I get scared now just by being home alone. Let alone for my Daanya. Just a simple mistake by saying "yes" does not guarantee anything anymore. Do I have to make her stay at home all the time under my protective wings? I am so afraid to let her know what a bad bad world it is out there...
Nurin, it was such a wretched way to leave the world, I know...You don't know any better.Your existence and departure has made such an impact to the nation. My heart feels for you and your family especially your parents. I cannot imagine being in their shoes...Nurin, semoga Allah cucuri rahmat ke atas roh mu....Amin. And to Nurin's parents, I hope you carry with you alot of patience...it is tough I know, but who am I to say? because I simply don't know. Take it all in stride and believe the hikmah underlying all these. You have my support.
I cannot help but cry when Hazmy gave me an IM with the link to "The Star" online with the latest update that day saying that the DNA results proved 99.99% that the body was that of Nurin Jazlin. Tears streamed down my face instantaneously. As if on cue.I wanted so bad for it not to be her....especially after what her parents had to go through the first time when they claimed that it was not her body.But as her body was laid to rest, we just have to accept qada n qadar. That first 15 minutes, when TV3's buletin utama showcased the whole "pengkebumian" and recited the Fatihah, we, the whole family was sombre...we remained silent the whole time...
And her parents??? What is it that they felt must be difficult and shattering. What are you supposed to feel when you lose a child and on top of that to have seen her "like that" and to be done "like that"????like a piece of meat...I do not want to comment on her parents actions that led to such an awry end. But I do want to say this, how many times have our parents let us out even to the nearest of destinations like the playground just in front of the house, or a friends' house just blocks away??Of course they never thought that anything bad would happen but that is besides the point...the fact is they sometimes allowed us because they love us....they see us being cooped up at home and sometimes need a breath of fresh air, sometimes need to mingle and make friends and not be left out but most of all...sometimes need to be independent. Probably we were just lucky that nothing bad happened to us?? But who are we to say? Who knows what is written for us? Were Nurins's parents just unlucky?To charge them with negligence??? Are you nuts????Why??? Is it because you have absolutely no leads to the BEAST? Is it because you HAVE to make an arrest that just any arrest will do? If what they did was negligence, were our parents negligent too? Where is the boundary to being negligent?How about those child that were left alone in their apartment and one of them plunged out of the balcony? They were purposely left alone...at that age????Come on lar people!! Don't blind us....there is still a MANIAC predator at large.....sometimes I cannot help but totally surrender with the way we handle things? Why is it that our system is so reactive when we hunger so much to be proactive? Why isn't our streets safe anymore? Why is murder, robbery, rape and what other social predicament taking place so explicitly here in our country? What will the future hold for our children and their children's children?
Honestly I get scared now just by being home alone. Let alone for my Daanya. Just a simple mistake by saying "yes" does not guarantee anything anymore. Do I have to make her stay at home all the time under my protective wings? I am so afraid to let her know what a bad bad world it is out there...
Nurin, it was such a wretched way to leave the world, I know...You don't know any better.Your existence and departure has made such an impact to the nation. My heart feels for you and your family especially your parents. I cannot imagine being in their shoes...Nurin, semoga Allah cucuri rahmat ke atas roh mu....Amin. And to Nurin's parents, I hope you carry with you alot of patience...it is tough I know, but who am I to say? because I simply don't know. Take it all in stride and believe the hikmah underlying all these. You have my support.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
***Emotional Check***
"Henry David Thoreau once wrote: 'Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit and resign yourself to the influences of each.''
I was lost...I went to a deep and dark place and almost drowned in my own sorrows. I stayed in that state for a while always hoping for a breath of hope, faith and change. Felt the need to voice it in the open but was too afraid to hurt hearts of those affected. It was a very dark place...I have been blinded by its darkness and suffocating from its limited source of air...I was so worried that I could not find myself the way out. I went through my days heavily feeling like the world was against me. My self-esteem dropped probably to level -100 (if there existed levels for it lah). Everything was not working in my favor.
Alhamdulillah with GOD's will...I was able to let things out. May not be much but at least it was out in the open and involved parties now knows that this is what is boiling inside of me causing me to withdraw from my surroundings. Things looked up hopefully for the better. I see him trying now. Most of all I now feel once again the chemistry and connection that I thought was lost. Or at least almost gone. I figured that maybe if I bend a little then maybe I don't have to take things to heart. At the same time he makes his presence now more felt. His commitment, his understanding, is slowly returning. He listens better and he is more attentive now - we communicate more and better. Yes, we do have our constraints and obstacles but at the end of the day, we have to always remember what matters most - our little family with little baby D starving for so much attention, love and how crucial it is to not deprive her away from that now. At the end of the day, whatever problems, we still definitely have to hurdle them bit by bit but it boils down to Daanya and the little tykes soon to come, our relationship and our household.
Other than that, most of everything is a little bit brighter now. I am smiling and laughing a lot more. More contented with life and marriage. Things are looking up at work....if all goes well I should expect a salary adjustment + last year's due increment (I did not get last years' increment as I was away on study leave so somehow that does not apply). Hopefully all goes well, insyaallah.
Daanya is growing so fast...I just hope I won't be left behind. I got to spend one day last off from work and took care of her all to myself....that was such a bliss! I love taking care of her....I wished I could just do so without worrying about going to work and making money. Hopefully Hazmy and I could come up with some arrangement...Alhamdulillah, murah rezeki Hazmy so far....we just jave to weigh things out...and hopefully something would present itself cause I do want to be there for Daanya...send her to school, play with her, feed her the works.....
So, to end...I am doing good so far better than the last time.
Alhamdulillah with GOD's will...I was able to let things out. May not be much but at least it was out in the open and involved parties now knows that this is what is boiling inside of me causing me to withdraw from my surroundings. Things looked up hopefully for the better. I see him trying now. Most of all I now feel once again the chemistry and connection that I thought was lost. Or at least almost gone. I figured that maybe if I bend a little then maybe I don't have to take things to heart. At the same time he makes his presence now more felt. His commitment, his understanding, is slowly returning. He listens better and he is more attentive now - we communicate more and better. Yes, we do have our constraints and obstacles but at the end of the day, we have to always remember what matters most - our little family with little baby D starving for so much attention, love and how crucial it is to not deprive her away from that now. At the end of the day, whatever problems, we still definitely have to hurdle them bit by bit but it boils down to Daanya and the little tykes soon to come, our relationship and our household.
Other than that, most of everything is a little bit brighter now. I am smiling and laughing a lot more. More contented with life and marriage. Things are looking up at work....if all goes well I should expect a salary adjustment + last year's due increment (I did not get last years' increment as I was away on study leave so somehow that does not apply). Hopefully all goes well, insyaallah.
Daanya is growing so fast...I just hope I won't be left behind. I got to spend one day last off from work and took care of her all to myself....that was such a bliss! I love taking care of her....I wished I could just do so without worrying about going to work and making money. Hopefully Hazmy and I could come up with some arrangement...Alhamdulillah, murah rezeki Hazmy so far....we just jave to weigh things out...and hopefully something would present itself cause I do want to be there for Daanya...send her to school, play with her, feed her the works.....
So, to end...I am doing good so far better than the last time.
***Daanya @ 5 months***
She has grown so much ever since my last post about her. I see her everyday and
I just cannot help but to adore her - my heart palpitates just looking at her sleep and then I would smother her with kisses even when she is sound asleep. I AM SO ADDICTED TO HER!!! I love her so much that I want to cry. She is such a joy, such a gift.
This post was of course post dated. She turned 5 months last 23rd of A
ugust. She has become so active these days...commando crawling all over the place. She does this usually out of frustration from the crawling position (on all fours) and couldn't get anywhere, or could not reach that toy...She would be in that all-fours position and would at the same time rock back and forth hoping to move but would yell when she found out that she was still there in that coordinate. In the end she would just drag herself literally or commando crawl to her chosen destination.
Not only that she has also learn the what mummy and daddy calls her "Cleopatra pose"
or in BM "mengiring". Her grandparental unit said that that is the position when babies want to learn to sit. OMG....Daanya is multitasking...she wants to learn so many things at once! I just love that bit about her...the only thing that I noticed is that when in those positions she just learned, and her not knowing what to do next, she gets frustrated and cry - actually puts on a blank face and cries. So kesian....I think that is part of her daddy's character she inherited - easily frustrated!But one other thing I noticed is that once we console her - she would then try again...(you can start to see the pattern here)....something she got from mummy...:p
She has also discovered that she can touch her toes and pull her legs up...she does
this so often that sometimes it give mummy the opportunity to take embarrassing baby photos to show when she's bigger.hehehe. Not because mummy's a meany but only because mummy is so proud of you! *angelic pose*
Putting things in her mouth has been her forte these days...whatever she can grab...especially her toys and her favorite....her own fingers...maybe she is teething I thought but I have yet to see any coming out of her gums....oh and one other thing is blowing bubbles...For the life of me I do not know how she caught on to it but ever since her daddy taught her how to do the "motorbike sound", she does it non-stop now...and as a result mummy's hair drops in significant amount...to a point of worry...mummy has never lose so much hair before.
She is taking in 8 oz of formula now. So far still no signs that she is ready for solids. Maybe when she has manage to teach herself to sit, then maybe mummy and daddy can let you taste other form of food other than milk.hehhehe cannot wait for that. most of all mummy wants to get you a high-chair so that you can eat with mummy and daddy and consequently we no longer have to take turns eating (Actually, I cannot wait to do the shopping in preparation of that,hahhaha). And she weighs at 7.6kg now.
Ooh talking about shopping...mummy and daddy took her to Toys 'R' Us during the merdeka public
holiday (Happy 50th Merdeka, Malaysia!) and got her TOYSSSSSSS!!! hehehhe. I figured that she is now ready for those developmental toys...other than her rattles and her fancy teether (how do you spell this?). Mummy went overboard with the 
shopping and got her "Tickle-Me-Elmo" from fisher-price, and two others that literally blew a hole in mummy's pocket....and you don't know how
proud mummy was when Daanya actually was curious to touch her new toys and after a while wanting to put them in her mouth except for Tickle-me-Elmo...where mummy and daddy have to put him separately from her other toys and monitor her closely as Elmo laughs his belly off because he is one big and heavy fella to operate.
We are both so proud of her achievement to date. We glow and smile just at the thought of her and what she can accomplish. A definite favorite conversation piece. She is to turn 6 months next Sunday (23/9/07), and be sure to check in to that...
I just cannot help but to adore her - my heart palpitates just looking at her sleep and then I would smother her with kisses even when she is sound asleep. I AM SO ADDICTED TO HER!!! I love her so much that I want to cry. She is such a joy, such a gift.This post was of course post dated. She turned 5 months last 23rd of A
ugust. She has become so active these days...commando crawling all over the place. She does this usually out of frustration from the crawling position (on all fours) and couldn't get anywhere, or could not reach that toy...She would be in that all-fours position and would at the same time rock back and forth hoping to move but would yell when she found out that she was still there in that coordinate. In the end she would just drag herself literally or commando crawl to her chosen destination.
Not only that she has also learn the what mummy and daddy calls her "Cleopatra pose"
or in BM "mengiring". Her grandparental unit said that that is the position when babies want to learn to sit. OMG....Daanya is multitasking...she wants to learn so many things at once! I just love that bit about her...the only thing that I noticed is that when in those positions she just learned, and her not knowing what to do next, she gets frustrated and cry - actually puts on a blank face and cries. So kesian....I think that is part of her daddy's character she inherited - easily frustrated!But one other thing I noticed is that once we console her - she would then try again...(you can start to see the pattern here)....something she got from mummy...:pShe has also discovered that she can touch her toes and pull her legs up...she does
this so often that sometimes it give mummy the opportunity to take embarrassing baby photos to show when she's bigger.hehehe. Not because mummy's a meany but only because mummy is so proud of you! *angelic pose*Putting things in her mouth has been her forte these days...whatever she can grab...especially her toys and her favorite....her own fingers...maybe she is teething I thought but I have yet to see any coming out of her gums....oh and one other thing is blowing bubbles...For the life of me I do not know how she caught on to it but ever since her daddy taught her how to do the "motorbike sound", she does it non-stop now...and as a result mummy's hair drops in significant amount...to a point of worry...mummy has never lose so much hair before.
She is taking in 8 oz of formula now. So far still no signs that she is ready for solids. Maybe when she has manage to teach herself to sit, then maybe mummy and daddy can let you taste other form of food other than milk.hehhehe cannot wait for that. most of all mummy wants to get you a high-chair so that you can eat with mummy and daddy and consequently we no longer have to take turns eating (Actually, I cannot wait to do the shopping in preparation of that,hahhaha). And she weighs at 7.6kg now.Ooh talking about shopping...mummy and daddy took her to Toys 'R' Us during the merdeka public
holiday (Happy 50th Merdeka, Malaysia!) and got her TOYSSSSSSS!!! hehehhe. I figured that she is now ready for those developmental toys...other than her rattles and her fancy teether (how do you spell this?). Mummy went overboard with the 
shopping and got her "Tickle-Me-Elmo" from fisher-price, and two others that literally blew a hole in mummy's pocket....and you don't know how
proud mummy was when Daanya actually was curious to touch her new toys and after a while wanting to put them in her mouth except for Tickle-me-Elmo...where mummy and daddy have to put him separately from her other toys and monitor her closely as Elmo laughs his belly off because he is one big and heavy fella to operate.We are both so proud of her achievement to date. We glow and smile just at the thought of her and what she can accomplish. A definite favorite conversation piece. She is to turn 6 months next Sunday (23/9/07), and be sure to check in to that...
Saturday, August 18, 2007
***A chance for a better life***
Honestly, I do not know where to begin. I have been feeling down for I think a couple of weeks now. This past week I have been blessed to get some off days from work and for that few hours away from responsibilities. Spent some time with my little sis, something I have not done in a while and somehow it made me forget. Even though not alone, I felt so liberated....Please don't get me wrong...I love my little family but that moment away from it all (including work) made me feel so free...It was somehow to my advantage that lil sis was around for company or else when alone my thoughts and psyche would go astray. I did not know whether I have enough courage to emit such personal issue here but I need a place to vent maybe to plea maybe even as a prayer..however I look at it...it could all be true...but please be reminded that it is not that I am ungrateful, this might be a sign yearning for help, it could be the spark that could cause a big fire...it could be that I am experiencing depression...it could be anything and nothing...who knows...I do not know what is happening to me...or whether I am selfish...but believe me it is not something that I want to possess and I need to vent it out because I just cannot do it alone and I just cannot say it to you face to face but somehow I need to do something about this before it takes me whole, before it consumes me and turn me into something or somebody that even I cannot recognise. So, hear me from my hearts of hearts....
To tell you the truth, I have been unhappy now for a while...the last moment of tremendous happiness was when our lovely baby daughter was born...total happiness, total bliss!!!To be honest, I am the happiest when Daanya is with me...when I lay next to her every night...when I do all necessary motherly things to her like feed her, or change her or even feed her...whenever I get to touch her and whenever she is in my arms, I am the happiest person on earth...but when she is gone...I get depressed...when she is not with me I feel so alone..the loneliest person on the face of the earth...so empty inside, so hollow...even when you are around me, so lonely...so unhappy...but the problem does not lay in Daanya's absence....I admit the problem lays within me and I am so ashamed to admit that I have been feeling this for quite some time now and never had the guts to open up to you...I feel that things have changed between us...I do not know why...maybe it is the never-ending responsibilities....or the fights during confinement or even now, maybe the 11 years we've been together, maybe even the exhaustion...but things are just not the same between us anymore...the intimacy and the affection I just don't feel even (am so sorry to say this) the love, I feel it all diminishing...to a dangerous point...but please understand...this is all happening within me...like I said I have been feeling this for a while now...I feel that we are not on the same path anymore...you go your way and I mine. We hardly talk even communicate...we hardly laugh till our bellies want to burst...we don't even eat together anymore...and I always get disappointed that I don't get to accompany you while watching tv and even when I do after 15 minutes I'll be too sleepy and finally hit the sack often again without you...I don't know what to talk to you about anymore...the only conversations we strike are all about RESPONSIBILITIES and MONEY...stress!!!It used to be that that silence between us is so trusting, so comfortable...now I simply hate the silence...
I miss the things we do just the two of us...the impromptu trips to the movies, suppers and teh tariks at night, even short drives here and there also trips to the supermarket just to get groceries.Believe it or not I even miss us hanging out at Dr. Siti's clinic waiting for our turn...that bad!All those things that we used to do...I envy the fact that you still get to do your own stuffs, hang out with your friends and all while I have to think about getting more clothes for baby D cause she is outgrowing what she has now...or even how much to take out from my accounts to start her education fund...check whether she is progressing on her developments, my weekend schedule - the cleaning, the ironing, when will we be able to eat in our own house? do we even get to eat at our own house, saving for the kitchen I want, even saving for the damn TagHeuer the stupid maid stole,what to wear for Raya, so many many issues - pending issues!
I feel that we are both different people now...and I admit of pulling myself away from you. I have so much rage and resentment in me...things that I cannot figure out...things that upset me but just cannot tell...I keep imagining all the "what ifs"; what if I hadn't gotten married? what if it was not you I married? What if I went ahead and followed my dreams? what if we did not decide to have a baby? All the what-ifs you can imagine....I yearn so much for a better life...again not that I am ungrateful...but a life where everything is accessible and unlimited, no constraints...a life where you and I with the baby are filled with no worries.A life where future is assured at least D's future is...a life where our own daughter can stay put in one place that she belongs. So many yearnings...but so unattainable, wishful thinking perhaps.
I hate it that when I have something interesting to say (maybe to me it is interesting), you pay no interest and put on a blank look on your face and this automatically causes me to react the same when you have something to say. I hate it when you see my worries as petty compared to yours and hate it when you compare your exhaustion with mine...LOATHE it when you think that I am so free at work....hate it when you think I can handle chores
alone...hate it when you say things are going to be ok when I know it never will...hate it when you are not consoling and comforting...hate...hate...hate...so much HATE!!!
On the other hand, I pity you and what you have to go through to make sure we have enough of everything. I often get so sad when you have a good idea but never pursue it for the chance of a better life...to a point that I want to just get out of this place even migrate out of this country...nothing works for us here..everything is so bleak...
All this feeling causing a turmoil in me...work is so unstable...though the extra cash would do us good...but you and I both know the outcome of that.Everything lately has just accumulated itself and stored within me...and I jus don't know how to say it...I think I am falling apart and that have caused us to fall apart...at least me from you.I miss so many things of the past...the comfort, the accessibility, the affection, the intimacy....i feel all is gone at least within me....they say this can happen when all gets overwhelming especially new parents with a new baby. They also say post-partum depression can come much later. I really do not know what this is? I have tried to make it all go away...but it is beginning to take over me...Actually, I have even planned a getaway just the two of us in honor of your birthday and have made arrangements for Daanya's logistics...but stupid me have to get all sick and with the operation and getting better it all didn't happen...I was so sad for days because of that...I thought time away from it all would help us or at least me spark things back between us and maybe make some of these negativity go away....***sigh*** and have tried other ways but nothing...I still feel the same...
I am so scared that this might consume me...and that it would be too late to turn back..I fear so much to be a statistic...I fear so much that if we don't do anything, nothing could save us, our marriage and the almost 12 years relationship. Everything is just so stressful. Life for me now is so pressuring, so tight and so limited. You may think that things are well that it is ok....but believe me it is more severe than you think because as I am composing this, I have tears in my eye...I now believe I am crying out for you to help.because yang, I do not feel it anymore...the love...I've dug and dug but I cannot find it...everything has be too ordinary, too mundane...I no longer feel the excitement when you come home from work...I get angry when you don't put things as they were when you know I've slaved to keep the house in order...so many..only I don't show it...I keep it all inside...a fault on my part...I really do not know what to make of this. All I know is I tried alone but too many obstructions causing me to hate the situation and continues feeling nothing...I have not given up faith...and I know it is not too late...this may sound egocentric, I don't care...I need to be happy again..I need for my heart to skip a beat whenever I see you or when I know you are coming home...I need to feel secured importantly...I need the excitement back...I need to feel loved and to love again.
I am so sorry that this is the approach I chose to convey this to you...but it has to be let out without you being distracted. I need you to know how serious this is...I am not ready to lose you and to sacrifice what we have built over the years especially not when it comes to Daanya...It is important to me for her to forever know that her mommy loves her daddy and also the other way around. This may be a phase...people will say that...I don't care what it is...all I know is I cannot go around feeling like this anymore....it is taking a toll on me personally and causing me to hate my life and us and I really do not want to feel like that...let's make it work...even with what little feeling I have left......
Now, while you are out, at 2:30am, I am still the mommy at home who has to put Daanya back to sleep cause for some reason she's woken up.....I guess sometimes you have to the Daddy and the mommy at the same time...how can I simply sleep knowing it is just us gurls here at home? ***sob***
To tell you the truth, I have been unhappy now for a while...the last moment of tremendous happiness was when our lovely baby daughter was born...total happiness, total bliss!!!To be honest, I am the happiest when Daanya is with me...when I lay next to her every night...when I do all necessary motherly things to her like feed her, or change her or even feed her...whenever I get to touch her and whenever she is in my arms, I am the happiest person on earth...but when she is gone...I get depressed...when she is not with me I feel so alone..the loneliest person on the face of the earth...so empty inside, so hollow...even when you are around me, so lonely...so unhappy...but the problem does not lay in Daanya's absence....I admit the problem lays within me and I am so ashamed to admit that I have been feeling this for quite some time now and never had the guts to open up to you...I feel that things have changed between us...I do not know why...maybe it is the never-ending responsibilities....or the fights during confinement or even now, maybe the 11 years we've been together, maybe even the exhaustion...but things are just not the same between us anymore...the intimacy and the affection I just don't feel even (am so sorry to say this) the love, I feel it all diminishing...to a dangerous point...but please understand...this is all happening within me...like I said I have been feeling this for a while now...I feel that we are not on the same path anymore...you go your way and I mine. We hardly talk even communicate...we hardly laugh till our bellies want to burst...we don't even eat together anymore...and I always get disappointed that I don't get to accompany you while watching tv and even when I do after 15 minutes I'll be too sleepy and finally hit the sack often again without you...I don't know what to talk to you about anymore...the only conversations we strike are all about RESPONSIBILITIES and MONEY...stress!!!It used to be that that silence between us is so trusting, so comfortable...now I simply hate the silence...
I miss the things we do just the two of us...the impromptu trips to the movies, suppers and teh tariks at night, even short drives here and there also trips to the supermarket just to get groceries.Believe it or not I even miss us hanging out at Dr. Siti's clinic waiting for our turn...that bad!All those things that we used to do...I envy the fact that you still get to do your own stuffs, hang out with your friends and all while I have to think about getting more clothes for baby D cause she is outgrowing what she has now...or even how much to take out from my accounts to start her education fund...check whether she is progressing on her developments, my weekend schedule - the cleaning, the ironing, when will we be able to eat in our own house? do we even get to eat at our own house, saving for the kitchen I want, even saving for the damn TagHeuer the stupid maid stole,what to wear for Raya, so many many issues - pending issues!
I feel that we are both different people now...and I admit of pulling myself away from you. I have so much rage and resentment in me...things that I cannot figure out...things that upset me but just cannot tell...I keep imagining all the "what ifs"; what if I hadn't gotten married? what if it was not you I married? What if I went ahead and followed my dreams? what if we did not decide to have a baby? All the what-ifs you can imagine....I yearn so much for a better life...again not that I am ungrateful...but a life where everything is accessible and unlimited, no constraints...a life where you and I with the baby are filled with no worries.A life where future is assured at least D's future is...a life where our own daughter can stay put in one place that she belongs. So many yearnings...but so unattainable, wishful thinking perhaps.
I hate it that when I have something interesting to say (maybe to me it is interesting), you pay no interest and put on a blank look on your face and this automatically causes me to react the same when you have something to say. I hate it when you see my worries as petty compared to yours and hate it when you compare your exhaustion with mine...LOATHE it when you think that I am so free at work....hate it when you think I can handle chores
alone...hate it when you say things are going to be ok when I know it never will...hate it when you are not consoling and comforting...hate...hate...hate...so much HATE!!!
On the other hand, I pity you and what you have to go through to make sure we have enough of everything. I often get so sad when you have a good idea but never pursue it for the chance of a better life...to a point that I want to just get out of this place even migrate out of this country...nothing works for us here..everything is so bleak...
All this feeling causing a turmoil in me...work is so unstable...though the extra cash would do us good...but you and I both know the outcome of that.Everything lately has just accumulated itself and stored within me...and I jus don't know how to say it...I think I am falling apart and that have caused us to fall apart...at least me from you.I miss so many things of the past...the comfort, the accessibility, the affection, the intimacy....i feel all is gone at least within me....they say this can happen when all gets overwhelming especially new parents with a new baby. They also say post-partum depression can come much later. I really do not know what this is? I have tried to make it all go away...but it is beginning to take over me...Actually, I have even planned a getaway just the two of us in honor of your birthday and have made arrangements for Daanya's logistics...but stupid me have to get all sick and with the operation and getting better it all didn't happen...I was so sad for days because of that...I thought time away from it all would help us or at least me spark things back between us and maybe make some of these negativity go away....***sigh*** and have tried other ways but nothing...I still feel the same...
I am so scared that this might consume me...and that it would be too late to turn back..I fear so much to be a statistic...I fear so much that if we don't do anything, nothing could save us, our marriage and the almost 12 years relationship. Everything is just so stressful. Life for me now is so pressuring, so tight and so limited. You may think that things are well that it is ok....but believe me it is more severe than you think because as I am composing this, I have tears in my eye...I now believe I am crying out for you to help.because yang, I do not feel it anymore...the love...I've dug and dug but I cannot find it...everything has be too ordinary, too mundane...I no longer feel the excitement when you come home from work...I get angry when you don't put things as they were when you know I've slaved to keep the house in order...so many..only I don't show it...I keep it all inside...a fault on my part...I really do not know what to make of this. All I know is I tried alone but too many obstructions causing me to hate the situation and continues feeling nothing...I have not given up faith...and I know it is not too late...this may sound egocentric, I don't care...I need to be happy again..I need for my heart to skip a beat whenever I see you or when I know you are coming home...I need to feel secured importantly...I need the excitement back...I need to feel loved and to love again.
I am so sorry that this is the approach I chose to convey this to you...but it has to be let out without you being distracted. I need you to know how serious this is...I am not ready to lose you and to sacrifice what we have built over the years especially not when it comes to Daanya...It is important to me for her to forever know that her mommy loves her daddy and also the other way around. This may be a phase...people will say that...I don't care what it is...all I know is I cannot go around feeling like this anymore....it is taking a toll on me personally and causing me to hate my life and us and I really do not want to feel like that...let's make it work...even with what little feeling I have left......
Now, while you are out, at 2:30am, I am still the mommy at home who has to put Daanya back to sleep cause for some reason she's woken up.....I guess sometimes you have to the Daddy and the mommy at the same time...how can I simply sleep knowing it is just us gurls here at home? ***sob***
Friday, August 17, 2007
***And the award goes to....***
A long forgotten award....hehhehehe....I knew I had this stashed somewhere...but totally forgot until I went through Baby Boon's updates the other day...***sob sob***I just want to soak up this historic moment and thank those little people that I stepped on to get me here......hahahhahahahahha...totally out of character!!!
No, really.....Very much appreciation to those people or shall I say contributors that even to this day make my life a little bit interesting and worth penning down...Hazmy, my soul mate...the love of my life...without you I know alot of things are impossible....Thank you for letting me recite stories of my life in which also include ours without any criticism....
Thank you especially to my lovely baby daughter, Daanya just for being you each and everyday of your nearly 5 months of life...you know you are my inspiration....I love you with my all....
Thanks Nina for the award....I think it is getting to my head a bit...hahahhahahah....but it was so thoughtful...for that I am not going to award this to any other...let me relish this moment...hehheheh over giler!!!!
p/s: Thank you so much to DJ JJ from Hitz Morning Crew for leaving a comment....You ROCK!!!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
***Archetypal***
It was a typical Tuesday morning. Woke up, showered and waited for Daanya to wake up roughly at 7 - 7:30am before Tok Papa comes over and pick her up. At 7:30am sharp she woke up and Tok Papa came. Right on time as per schedule. Daanya left for Tok Papa and Tok Sha's. So I decided to get ready for work. At 8:15am bade goodbye to sayang "muah muah". La di da di da....the song played on the radio.Was listening as usual to Hitz.fm. Then Priscilla Patrick came on. "An accident right after the Bukit Jelutong toll exit....On lookers adviced to keep on driving" I thought ok maybe not that bad lar must be that usual corner on the ramp up heading to KLIA....Went through the smart tag lane and there it was.......a MASSIVE backlog!!!!Scanned my petrol level indicator thingy....OMG nyawa- nyawa ikan!!! Sempat ke tak ni??? Ok gamble....worse comes to worse call sayang to bring petrol...hehhehehe tahan je lar if I have to stop at the emergency lane....The queue was so bad that we only probably moved an inch a time. *sigh* this must be a fatal one.....crawled and crawled and crawled..Clock says "8:35am"....and I am still here right after the toll....Harummmppphhhh panas!!....Lucky JJ and Rudy was interviewing Mr. Indicator. That cured the boredom and the ke"panas"an....there were moments that I couldn't help the smirk on my face...they were really funny I tell you...still crawling crawling an inch a time.
8:50am - passed the jam....ALAHAIIIIII!!!Bad enough it wasn't fatal...just a GTI that probably knocked God knows what bumper fell on the left corner while the other still in tact...and already moved to the emergency lane....haiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa could not help to let out an angry "That's it???" 20 minutes of crawling and that is it????? Priscilla Patrick came back on..."Jam on NKVE after the Bukit Jelutong toll....Onlookers you are causing a backlog all the way to Klang"....Ya Allah!!! So typical of us Malaysian isn't it? Very qay-po....It was no big deal lar...at least not to us who are not involved in the actual accident...why do we have this habit to look to a point that even when we've passed the accident our heads are still turned back 180 degrees to see what happened? Some still want to qay-po and look through the rear-view mirror whatever.....So sickening!!!A backlog all the way to Klang is much too much isn't it????? The journey was so clear after that it was so unbelievable!
9:30am - reached office...LAMBAT!!!!though it is not that a big a deal to reach office before10:30am,but still!!!!Had tonnes to finish!!!!
Arrrggghhhhh!!! Something needs to be done larrr.....
8:50am - passed the jam....ALAHAIIIIII!!!Bad enough it wasn't fatal...just a GTI that probably knocked God knows what bumper fell on the left corner while the other still in tact...and already moved to the emergency lane....haiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa could not help to let out an angry "That's it???" 20 minutes of crawling and that is it????? Priscilla Patrick came back on..."Jam on NKVE after the Bukit Jelutong toll....Onlookers you are causing a backlog all the way to Klang"....Ya Allah!!! So typical of us Malaysian isn't it? Very qay-po....It was no big deal lar...at least not to us who are not involved in the actual accident...why do we have this habit to look to a point that even when we've passed the accident our heads are still turned back 180 degrees to see what happened? Some still want to qay-po and look through the rear-view mirror whatever.....So sickening!!!A backlog all the way to Klang is much too much isn't it????? The journey was so clear after that it was so unbelievable!
9:30am - reached office...LAMBAT!!!!though it is not that a big a deal to reach office before10:30am,but still!!!!Had tonnes to finish!!!!
Arrrggghhhhh!!! Something needs to be done larrr.....
Monday, August 06, 2007
***Intermission***
Just a short note to request you to take just a brief intermission from your daily routines and vote Daanya here for mix.fm's baby idol contest. Mummy and Daddy are hoping to start her education fund and the price money would definitely help jump start the initiative. :)
Monday, July 30, 2007
***Daanya @ 4 months***
Daanya has grown so tremendously since the last month. Her 3rd month she weighed at 6.8 kgs now in her 4th she weighs at 7.6kgs. No wonder mommy feels a pang of backache while putting you to sleep. She has also developed so well...still eager to acquire new skills just to kindle her own expanding intelligence. I look at her everyday and felt so blessed to have her and to watch her. I love to watch her sleep especially when she does her helicopter manoeuvres as though her cot is not a big enough space for her to move around in. In the end mommy and daddy end up placing her in between us so that she can have all the space she needs only to find out that with us she does not even move a muscle of her position. Cheeky I tell you...so to console ourselves we came to the conclusion that probably she misses us and need to feel our warmth bla bla bla....hahahhahahaha perasan is what mommy and daddy has become!!! So peaceful and relaxed is what she is like when she sleeps. And everytime the same thought goes through my mind "I love this little girl so so much that there are just no words. Mommy would do anything for you Daanya just anything".This time around we took her to Tok Sha and Tok Papa's family friend, Dr. Yap for her 4 month jab. She was such a good girl...only cried when the needle went in and stopped when the needle was out. Then she only concentrated on the hanging mobiles on Dr. Yap's ceiling. It was a mobile of a wooden bird in which we can tug its string to flap the bird's wings...very very captivating even for mommy."This would go well hanging from our pergola wood at our porch overlooking mommy's garden patch so eye-catching for Daanya, perfect!". He said he got it in Thailand....anybody heading for Thailand???? I really nak pesan!Anyway....he measured he height in which he concluded that Daanya is well above average at 63cm...he even took out this whole graph chart book thingy. Impressive! However, Daanya is a bit overweight when compared to her height. But nothing to be worried about, he says...she will soon shed the weight when she is more active. Very kay-po! (is that how you spell it?)hahhahha he calls Daanya...hahahha.As he talks and explains Daanya would just stare at him and when we ask questions she would then turn to us and then him again....hahahha that's why lar kay-po....hahhahaha. Dr. Yap also mentions that that is a good sign that she is attentive and very curious of her surroundings until the point where she got tired of just paying attention and let out a loud "haihhh" hehhehehehe probably fed up that people are not focusing on her and not talking to her.hahhahaha that was a good one...so, Doc also recommended for us to keep on stimulating her intelligence and not waste it...especially when she is "jendul" front and back!hahahhahaha...(Wo, I so remember our jen jen story!!!One of my besties, wo, named her cat jen which I thought was short for jenny/jennifer/jenet??? but instead it was short of jendul cause her cat is actually jendul!!!hahahhahaha you just had to be there!)
Doc also told us that we can start her on rice cereals now if we want to. But we figured that she is doing so well with her formula why chance it...We'll just wait till she's probably 1...but mommy and daddy will see if Daanya is receptive at that point. But definitely this first 12 months we will just stick to formula where all the vitamins and minerals and nourishment are adequately provided. As it is she is already taking 7-8 oz of formula....so Doc said no problem...formula is sufficient for the first 2 years. So that was a productive time at the clinic. Rather informative. Plus the whole thing was free...including the jab....hehehhehehehe bless you Dr. Yap....
Daanya's other milestone development include rolling over.She would roll and roll and roll left and right...hehhhehehe so cute...but sometimes so dangerous!She would sometimes place her hand at her side not placed correctly in front of her and if she would turn over she would probably sprain it.
Oh, she is teething as well....hehheehe...a cute little white tooth on her bottom jaw on the way.No wonder she is salivating excessively not only that everything that she grabs she needs to put in her mouth including mommy's and daddy's hands. Gosh she loves her teether...The whole thing just "plop" in her mouth and bite bite away.
She is also even more curious now...she's just got to touch everything she has interest in. She has a knack for artsy things like paintings, ayat-ayat quran even motifs on a cushion cover. Does this indicate anything?To a point that she will roll and roll and roll to get to those things she has her eyes on.And ooh can she talk now...she will make all possible noises exercising her lungs away. One very significant one is when she would what I call the sound of the siren. She would go "hmmmmm" in loud and soft volume alternately...loud and soft loud and soft....hehheheheh so funny i tell you that she too would amuse herself and laugh...hahhahhaha. She also loves looking at herself in the mirror...funnily she finds that amusing too. One look at her own reflection in the mirror and she would laugh away.
Amongst other developments mommy noticed is the "swimming" action. While on her tummy and want to get to something of focus she would do this swimming action where she does the freestyle while being supported by only her tummy. Yup all legs and hands actually in motion. She does this probably thinking she is moving towards the object of focus but in reality she did not move an inch...hhahahhaha then she would get so frustrated and cry...hahahhahaha. She actually did the combat movement then she just stopped doing that probably because she would get so exhausted. But with that combat movement she was able to reach for her teddy or teether or anything in focus. Now she just does the freestyle...
All in all mommy is so proud of her achievements to date. She is so very eager to learn and somehow acquiring all skills at one go...Mommy cannot wait for her to be able to sit herself down so that mommy can buy that baby chair mommy's been eyeing from Graco....hehhehehe or even for daddy to get that recaro baby chair for his Impreza which mommy thinks that the Recaro would just always end up in mommy's car instead.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
***Highlights***
"Someone once said; 'It’s the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time. Me… I just wanna live a life I’m gonna remember. Even if I don’t write it down.'"
It has been a while since I've logged on and publish any kinds of updates to my on-goings since the surgery. Maybe a short highlight is sufficient. But knowing me it will never me short!!! :P
Where do I begin??? Ok, let's start from after the surgery.....It was PAIN PAIN PAIN all the way!!!!It was so unbearable....I was furious...fumed with anger....this time everything was even more limited...Only soft diet...difficulty going to the toilet for no.1 even worse for no.2...walking was such a torture!!!...bathing???urghhh don't need to go there and then there is the ikan haruan soup, yuck!!!All in all total pain...hated every minute of the recovery, literally!!!....
Most of all I hated the part where I cannot be fully taking care of Daanya. This include not being able to give her her bottle and that instantly means she sleeps with nenek and atok at night (this was when we spent the first week post-op there). I was terrified that she would not even recognize me. But luckily enough that did not happen. Is it true that babies never forget their mommy? I do hope so...especially when I have to go to work soon....arrghhhh...hate the thought...
Well, anyway...I put up a brave front and was so determined to get better for Daanya's sake. I endeavoured the ikan haruan soup and tonic every single day...double yuck!!Until Daanya's Tok Papa gave me this Gamat Jelly to try...major difference...I felt so much stronger and noticed that my wound was drying up beautifully. I only had to deal with the soreness internally...according to Dr. Siti the stitches inside may need some time to recover. Had my last follow-up check up with her last Wednesday and she warned me of not getting myself pregnant for at least a year....hahhahaha i thought that was hilarious. She mentioned about prevention methods and all...segan giler!!! Anyway, she was concerned that should I do get pregnant, the pregnancy may cause the would inside to extend therefore making it not able to heal properly.Don't worry Doc, not planning to get preggie anytime soon...and those preventive measures..we'll definitely bare in mind (right yang????) :P
Now 36 days (as of 16/7/2007) post op...still dealing with the soreness and the latest development is itchiness!!!huwaaaa...horrible...i want to scratch and scratch the place where my wound is on my tummy....Hazmy said that means its healing...but it is so unbearably itchy!
Other than that I start work today, so all mixed feelings lar. Daanya is at Tok Papa and Tok Sha's place. They came early this morning to pick her up..at 7am...hard to let go but I know she will be safe and in good hands...
Ok more updates and highlights...Hazmy celebrated his 28th birthday last 29th June...I was so worried that this year I could not get him the birthday he deserved (especially after all that moving and transporting, really appreciate
it yang, love u!) moreover with my condition...but this time I was very lucky that Mama was not as strict as the time during confinement....in total discomfort Daanya's Uncle Adik and I drove to Lorenzo Kelana Jaya and got Hazmy what I thought was appropriate...a recliner!!! Tadaaaaa!!!hehehhehe....since it was on 50% discount, I immediately purchased it though what it meant was I would be "kering" for the month...but it was ok...as long as it puts a smile on my sayang...so the recliner came on "the day" when Hazmy was at work. (Thank you Z for komploting with me) and had wrapped a big nice red ribbon on it and placed his birthday card as well as Daanya's card to daddy on the chair...it was perfectly set right in front of our tv...Cun! Then in the evening we went to get ice cream cake and planned for his mom and sis as well as my family to come over to celebrate.It was all good...a new baby, new house, new beginnings! (was that what you wished for hun?)
Oh, did I mentioned? We've moved out of my dad's apartment into our own home. Finally, our own little pad...I think that it is just perfect for the 3 of us. Only objective now is to make it more cozy for us to live in...alot of repairs to be done and all...but slowly we'll do just that. I've taken an interest for gardening now that we have a small little garden...went to Sg Buloh with MIL and SIL and had spent 100 bucks and brought back so many...A definite good deals there!!! Did some planting and so far it looks good...just a little more planning and new patches of grass...should do me proud!What is important is that I want to make the house a comfort zone, beautify it that it becomes our own retreat and a place we can call sanctuary...*sigh*
Now the most important highlight for the month of June 2007 is my little Daanya. As of 23rd June, she turned 3 months. Weighed at 6.8kgs on her 3rd month check up and as usual got her jab... on the butt this time...cried for a while but was laughing and smiling after. Comel!She has managed to turn over or rather roll over and when she's on her tummy she was able to coordinate herself and lift her little buttocks and push herself forward....what a sight!!! I was and still am so proud of her...She is more inquisitive now...observing her environment...and now able to recognize faces....one unfamiliar face and that is it...she would make that sad soapy face and cry....awwwww!!! It feels so exhilarating to watch them grown and develop right before your eyes...Mommy loves you to bits sweetie pie!
Basically that is that for June....hmmmm on that note...I do hope and pray for new beginnings. A life not pretentious...a life that we can lead and call our own...Tok papa and tok Sha adviced yesterday that we should lead our lives and not be afraid to make decisions. because that is how we learn...it is ok to make mistakes...most of all everything that we do now,any decisions that we make should be focussed on Daanya, her well-being and safety...very wise, I thought!
Where do I begin??? Ok, let's start from after the surgery.....It was PAIN PAIN PAIN all the way!!!!It was so unbearable....I was furious...fumed with anger....this time everything was even more limited...Only soft diet...difficulty going to the toilet for no.1 even worse for no.2...walking was such a torture!!!...bathing???urghhh don't need to go there and then there is the ikan haruan soup, yuck!!!All in all total pain...hated every minute of the recovery, literally!!!....
Most of all I hated the part where I cannot be fully taking care of Daanya. This include not being able to give her her bottle and that instantly means she sleeps with nenek and atok at night (this was when we spent the first week post-op there). I was terrified that she would not even recognize me. But luckily enough that did not happen. Is it true that babies never forget their mommy? I do hope so...especially when I have to go to work soon....arrghhhh...hate the thought...Well, anyway...I put up a brave front and was so determined to get better for Daanya's sake. I endeavoured the ikan haruan soup and tonic every single day...double yuck!!Until Daanya's Tok Papa gave me this Gamat Jelly to try...major difference...I felt so much stronger and noticed that my wound was drying up beautifully. I only had to deal with the soreness internally...according to Dr. Siti the stitches inside may need some time to recover. Had my last follow-up check up with her last Wednesday and she warned me of not getting myself pregnant for at least a year....hahhahaha i thought that was hilarious. She mentioned about prevention methods and all...segan giler!!! Anyway, she was concerned that should I do get pregnant, the pregnancy may cause the would inside to extend therefore making it not able to heal properly.Don't worry Doc, not planning to get preggie anytime soon...and those preventive measures..we'll definitely bare in mind (right yang????) :P
Now 36 days (as of 16/7/2007) post op...still dealing with the soreness and the latest development is itchiness!!!huwaaaa...horrible...i want to scratch and scratch the place where my wound is on my tummy....Hazmy said that means its healing...but it is so unbearably itchy!
Other than that I start work today, so all mixed feelings lar. Daanya is at Tok Papa and Tok Sha's place. They came early this morning to pick her up..at 7am...hard to let go but I know she will be safe and in good hands...Ok more updates and highlights...Hazmy celebrated his 28th birthday last 29th June...I was so worried that this year I could not get him the birthday he deserved (especially after all that moving and transporting, really appreciate
it yang, love u!) moreover with my condition...but this time I was very lucky that Mama was not as strict as the time during confinement....in total discomfort Daanya's Uncle Adik and I drove to Lorenzo Kelana Jaya and got Hazmy what I thought was appropriate...a recliner!!! Tadaaaaa!!!hehehhehe....since it was on 50% discount, I immediately purchased it though what it meant was I would be "kering" for the month...but it was ok...as long as it puts a smile on my sayang...so the recliner came on "the day" when Hazmy was at work. (Thank you Z for komploting with me) and had wrapped a big nice red ribbon on it and placed his birthday card as well as Daanya's card to daddy on the chair...it was perfectly set right in front of our tv...Cun! Then in the evening we went to get ice cream cake and planned for his mom and sis as well as my family to come over to celebrate.It was all good...a new baby, new house, new beginnings! (was that what you wished for hun?)Oh, did I mentioned? We've moved out of my dad's apartment into our own home. Finally, our own little pad...I think that it is just perfect for the 3 of us. Only objective now is to make it more cozy for us to live in...alot of repairs to be done and all...but slowly we'll do just that. I've taken an interest for gardening now that we have a small little garden...went to Sg Buloh with MIL and SIL and had spent 100 bucks and brought back so many...A definite good deals there!!! Did some planting and so far it looks good...just a little more planning and new patches of grass...should do me proud!What is important is that I want to make the house a comfort zone, beautify it that it becomes our own retreat and a place we can call sanctuary...*sigh*
Now the most important highlight for the month of June 2007 is my little Daanya. As of 23rd June, she turned 3 months. Weighed at 6.8kgs on her 3rd month check up and as usual got her jab... on the butt this time...cried for a while but was laughing and smiling after. Comel!She has managed to turn over or rather roll over and when she's on her tummy she was able to coordinate herself and lift her little buttocks and push herself forward....what a sight!!! I was and still am so proud of her...She is more inquisitive now...observing her environment...and now able to recognize faces....one unfamiliar face and that is it...she would make that sad soapy face and cry....awwwww!!! It feels so exhilarating to watch them grown and develop right before your eyes...Mommy loves you to bits sweetie pie!Basically that is that for June....hmmmm on that note...I do hope and pray for new beginnings. A life not pretentious...a life that we can lead and call our own...Tok papa and tok Sha adviced yesterday that we should lead our lives and not be afraid to make decisions. because that is how we learn...it is ok to make mistakes...most of all everything that we do now,any decisions that we make should be focussed on Daanya, her well-being and safety...very wise, I thought!
***A Tag for Charity***
I've been tagged yet again by BabyBoon. Since alot has been going on and a non-active Internet connection at the new house, took me quite a while to log-on even go online. But anyways, here's one for charity....
Here goes the passing of the baton:
- Patricia
- Rynn
Haiyaaa...need to get to know more bloggers lar!!!
The rule:
If you are tagged, you need to write an entry related to the meme. At the end of your entry you just need to tag as many person as you like. You will then leave a comment in their blog to let them know they have been tagged. And to include this message, "By doing this meme you are contributing rm127 to the Darul Izzah Orphanage". Then please copy and paste this rule somewhere in your entry.
The meme is about completing at least seventeen out of the following twenty seven sentences........
1. A person is only as good as ... his intentions. Beware of those sweet talkers whose hearts are never pure and always with the most insincere intentions. These are the dangerous kinds!!!
2. Friendship is always ... about understanding and always being there for one another although you never get to see each other often.
3. To love is to ... accept the LOUD snoring orchestra sound he makes when you are trying to catch up on your sleep. Buat pekak je!!! hahahhaha….Seriously, to love is to sacrifice your needs for the happiness and benefits of your loved ones.
4. Money makes me ... feel secured. Call me material but that is the harsh reality…Actually to think about it, “My money makes me feel secured”….Just the thought that there is back up should anything happens…..**touchwood**
5. I miss ... those carefree days where I can just start the car and go wherever, whenever I want. Now, to go anywhere I have to bring baby Daanya with me and packing for her means cleaning up her entire wardrobe so in the end I wait till the weekend where Hazmy can come along with much hesitation. Too bad!!!! Hahahha.
7. I try to spread love and happiness ... by always seeing the brighter side of things and believing that everything happens for a reason…so therefore I stay positive. Cewahhh!!!
8. Pick the flowers when ... ????? how is this relevant?????
9. To love someone is to ... “you don’t know what is like, baby you don’t know what it’s like, to love somebody, to love somebody, the way I love you” It’s a Michael Bolton!!! To love someone is to love and treat them the way they deserved to be loved, exactly the way you want to be loved!!!
10. Beauty is ... when your external exhibit the purest of your internals…sounds dirty… hahhaha let me try to rephrase….when you have the sincerest of intentions and a heart so pure that your actions reflect on that….either that or Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie = Shiloh Nouvell….pergggghhhh lawa giler!!!
11. When I was thirteen, what I remember ... was my awkward phase!!!
12. When I was twenty one, I remember ... thinking “Gosh, I’m in my early 20s” actually, I do that until today…only that the early dah tukar to late….but lately it has been more of “Gee, I am gonna be 30 soon” huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
13. I am most happy when... I get the chance to have my hubby and baby all to myself during a long deserving vacation!!! *hint hint* “I hear
14. Nothing makes me happier than ...my husband telling me he loves me and never miss kissing me goodnight every night and also seeing Daanya smile when she sees mommy.
15. If I can change one thing, I will change ... a regretful event in the past that made me lose my best friend for 7 years. But I am glad we found the path to reunite. I will never take our friendship for granted this time ever!!!
17. Wouldn't it be nice if we could ... see what is lying ahead so that we can avoid mistakes and take precautions.
18. If you want to have things done your way.. DO IT YOURSELF!!! Hello!!!!No brainer lar this one!!!
19. Money is not everything...but it is something!!! Without it we would be miserable creatures!
20. The most touching moments I have experienced is .... when hubby worked repairing and servicing cars aside from his permanent job just to save enough money to marry me!!!and also to get me the tagheuer for my one of my hantarans.
21. I smile when... I rekindle back to the times when hubby and I were courting.
23. If only I don't have to work.. ahhhh the day Hazmy becomes a gazillionaire!!!Then I would probably me a soccer mom or a driver for my children.
24. The best thing I did yesterday was ... spending the day at home with Daanya and later in the evening with both Daanya and hubby at home just the three of us!!!Ahhhhh such bliss!!!A dream come true!
25. If I ever write a [cooking] book, I will give it this title; “Recipes from a clueless to a clueless” hahahahaha kesiannya siapa yang beli!!!
26. One thing I must do before I die is ... face my fear of heights!
27. Doing this meme, I feel ...that I’ve opened Pandora’s Box….hahhahaha no lar.actually it makes me feel sleepy…”what??? It took me 2 hours to answer all this???”Almost 2 a.m…tido tido!!!!!!
Here goes the passing of the baton:
- Patricia
- Rynn
Haiyaaa...need to get to know more bloggers lar!!!
The rule:
If you are tagged, you need to write an entry related to the meme. At the end of your entry you just need to tag as many person as you like. You will then leave a comment in their blog to let them know they have been tagged. And to include this message, "By doing this meme you are contributing rm127 to the Darul Izzah Orphanage". Then please copy and paste this rule somewhere in your entry.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
***Patience***
"Robert Louis Stevenson wrote: 'you can not run away from weakness; you must fight it out... or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?'"
They say "Patience is a virtue" true but not in my case. I miss my baby girl, my sweet princess. I have not seen or touched her in 3 days. Those who are avid readers of my postings would probably be wondering why. Let me tell you...I was admitted into SJMC last Tuesday 12th June 2007.Have been having tummy ache since Sunday and when I woke up on Tuesday morning the pain was so unbearable. It was torturous to even walk let alone to carry my Daanya. Hazmy took me to see my obgyn cause we were worried that the cyst she found since my 5th month pregnancy might have burst. After a mutual agreement (I just wanted to rest at home..well that is just me being really stubborn) we decided to call Dr. Siti's clinic to check whether it is ok for us to come in...and when it was confirmed that it is ok, we thought it would be better to go. So we left Daanya with her Tok Sha in Subang and had packed for her just in case she had to stay overnight which in the end she did...but I was relieved that she was in good hands.Anyway, the cyst grew double its size to about 70mm and immediately Dr. Siti said to operate and be admitted under emergency operation. By this time I was in total pain and didn't hesitate much.
I was taken into the operation theater at exactly 8:30pm. It was nerve-wrecking. All horror stories about operations that I've heard all these while kept on playing repetitively in my mind.I was scared. Kept trying to remember all the faces of people I loved as they pushed me into the main theater.Tried to remember their smiles and laughs. Especially the face of my baby. Regretted not kissing her before we left her at Tok Sha's. I have not kissed her since Sunday because I was feeling under the weather and did not want her to catch my virus. But somehow at that point, my only thought was what if this was the end of the line for me and I did not even kiss her. Cried all the way to the theater.Regretted that my mom was not there to see me(she had work outside KL) but appreciated that my dad and brother was there.Hazmy was my pillar.But without Daanya, I felt so incomplete. I really wanted to see her and her daddy both seeing me off. Alhamdulillah the surgery went well...they found that the cyst was not only residing in my right ovary but also there was a small one on my left and on top of that my appendix was so red and almost infected and took that off as well. After 3 hours they tried to wake me up by tapping on my shoulder. Couldn't open my eyes and all I could do was nod or otherwise. I was in absolute pain. Could feel the cut on my tummy and felt like the whole of my insides were ripped into pieces. Once I reached the room and I heard Hazmy's voice, I was a happy camper. but he could not stay as we got a double bedder instead of a single room we requested. And still until now, I am still stuck in this shared room. It was such a relieve to hear his voice although I cannot at all open my eyes. I didn't know what happened next but I did remind Hazmy to sleep with Daanya at Tok Papa and Tok Sha's which he did not and that made me a little bit upset as I always want her to know that if one cannot be with her the other one will and that never will both of us abandon her. This way she will never feel alone even when she's all grown up. The feeling that her parents will always be there for her.
3 days post-op and I am still here in SJMC while my baby daughter is being passed around.So kesian. Right now she is at Opah's (Hazmy's mom's).Oh how I miss her so much!!!I am no more patient. I cannot wait to see her again...and this time I want to kiss her so badly....Mommy misses you baby Daanya that mommy's heart aches every time at the thought of you. It is terrible at night especially when mommy is alone here in the hospital knowing that you are not in my arms where I would cuddle you to sleep. Mommy hates it when I cannot feed you and make sure you get enough milk and see you laugh and smile. Oh, I just hate being apart from you. *Tearing*.................................................................
I believe in Allah and I am sure all these has its silver lining. Mommy will have to get better so that mommy can be a stronger and healthier mother for you.God wants me to be whole and 100% perfect for you and in that I will strive to gain back my health. Looks like it is gonna be back to square one for me...another confinement.This time probably a more painful one because of the cut and wound. *Sigh* But as long as Daanya and Hazmy is with me I feel whole. I will be heading back to my parents' for recovery. Only mama will know best how to take care of me and again she will be sacrificing her leaves to do just that.Alhamdulillah...tak terbalas jasa mama!!!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
***Before & After ***
Just a quick update....
I found this photo yesterday on Daanya's Uncle Joe's phone and seriously could
not recognize an who this baby was....am I a bad mother???? :( I was totally dumbfounded as really could not believe that the baby in the picture was my Daanya....She was so tiny...this picture goes back to the days when she was spitting and vomiting. Basically this post is just to prove that she did not gain that much weight since birth till her first month check up....She weighed 3.2kg at birth exactly 7 pounds...Sadly on her first month check up she only weighed 3.7kg which only took a 500grams hike....All this because she was not retaining food including breast milk...
Now, at 2 months...she weighs at a whooping 5.6kg...a vast growth and also development. She is really catching up...I may have to get new clothes for her as her current ones are almost tight fitting on her....hehhehehe...We are so glad that now she is retaining her milk. And demands 2 refill packs of formula a week.hehheheh kesian daddy...but as her Tok Papa said..."Anak nak makan takkan nak sekat" hahhahah true that!!!
But, whatever the size, big or small...Mommy loves you to pieces princess with all my heart and soul!!!(But still, it would be a bonus to pinch your chubby cheeks, and mommy has an obsession with chubby babies!!!Am on a mission!!!)*grins*
I found this photo yesterday on Daanya's Uncle Joe's phone and seriously could
not recognize an who this baby was....am I a bad mother???? :( I was totally dumbfounded as really could not believe that the baby in the picture was my Daanya....She was so tiny...this picture goes back to the days when she was spitting and vomiting. Basically this post is just to prove that she did not gain that much weight since birth till her first month check up....She weighed 3.2kg at birth exactly 7 pounds...Sadly on her first month check up she only weighed 3.7kg which only took a 500grams hike....All this because she was not retaining food including breast milk...
Now, at 2 months...she weighs at a whooping 5.6kg...a vast growth and also development. She is really catching up...I may have to get new clothes for her as her current ones are almost tight fitting on her....hehhehehe...We are so glad that now she is retaining her milk. And demands 2 refill packs of formula a week.hehheheh kesian daddy...but as her Tok Papa said..."Anak nak makan takkan nak sekat" hahhahah true that!!!But, whatever the size, big or small...Mommy loves you to pieces princess with all my heart and soul!!!(But still, it would be a bonus to pinch your chubby cheeks, and mommy has an obsession with chubby babies!!!Am on a mission!!!)*grins*
Friday, May 25, 2007
***The Meaning of Daanya Ayeesha***
"IDA Scott Taylor wrote: 'Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.'"
Wow!!!This tag really got me rekindling the amount of time we took to explore our options and decide on a very suitable name for our baby...As I recall...we started thinking of names for our baby as soon as we know for sure that we were pregnant...I think that was when I was in my 5th week of pregnancy. So many names, so many options...which to choose?I wanted the name to be perfect...At first, if it was a boy, then Hazmy's second name Hazeman would definitely be the choice for the baby's second name...a name that he too would pass down to his boys.hehehhehe berangan!!!Then we thought if it was a girl then what??? Hazmy said to maintain my 2nd name if it was a girl...I thought that would be cool since it is a classic name and we hardly have that anymore now...So there we go thinking and reading and surfing for the perfect Muslim name four our baby. Consequently, from the search, we derive about 3 choices for a baby boy ...they were such nice names...somehow we could not come up with a perfect girl's name...which I thought was really funny because there are so many girl names to choose from but nothing appealed to us and moreover nothing we found suitable to my 2nd name...then out of nowhere I was thinking to myself that maybe this is a sign that I might be getting a boy...hhahahahahahahahha mental!!!!After months and months of searching and waiting should a girl's name come to us which it did not...so we just left it hanging and settled for the boy's name. At 6 months of pregnancy, we found out it was going to be a girl...I panicked literally!!!Exaggerating you say???Well, I really wanted to start talking to my baby while in the tummy therefore it would only be right that I call it by its name right???but mommy and daddy have not yet found a name for our baby girl.....so again we played with names and search and finally gave up...nothing was going to go with MEELA!!!!!!except Luffini! hahahahahahahahahahaha. Then I figured, it does not have to have my name but my baby can also have a classic 2nd name just like her mommy.Now that was an idea to toy with, Hazmy and I thought....I thought it was a good idea...after going through many many resources...my baby's aunty lulul(nurul) said that there is this Welsh name that she likes
Dania (Aunty Lulul is half welsh and here is a picture of Aunty Lulul and Daanya) and I instantly loved it....but I thought it has to have a good meaning in Islam so I went through our abundant amount of books on muslim baby names and found the likes of Daniyah, Daniya, Dania which have different meanings but ones that I particularly am not fond of....(fussy right???)So, we decided to go online and to God's will we found Daanya.Yahoooooo!!!!! From then on we started calling the baby in my tummy Daanya....It's perfect!!!Has a modern feel to it....unique in its own right!For her second name which we decided that it would be classic. The first name that I thought of was Aisha...but I didn't want it to be so direct and so to the point(just go with me here!!!)and then we thought since Meela has a classic Indian ring to it(hey, I am proud of the name!)we found Ayeesha, which also has an Indian-Bollywood
flavor...hahhahaha and best of all it is a Muslim name....Perfect yet again!!!Mind me...they have sweet names there in Bollywood....but it is kind of contradicting lar since both of us have Chinese ancestry.But who cares....So there you go.....our angel's name from that point on was going to be Daanya Ayeesha....though I get annoyed when people pronounce it as Daanya Aishah...hahahhahahaha...The meaning you ask????Well here goes...I have made the search then at several Muslim websites for baby names...See whether I can link it here.
***Daanya*** - Gift of God, Beautiful (This site was a big help!!!)
***Ayeesha*** - Life,Vivaciousness, Living Prosperous and also Youngest wife of
Prophet Muhammad(S.A.W). Derived from Aaeesha.
There is also this other website that holds the meaning of
Ayeesha in Indian as I mentioned. It states that Ayeesha comes from the Indian word which means, "Unknown."and it also has a numerological meaning that says: Kinda like me!!!!minus the business owner part...huhu!
One more thing, the spelling mattered too!!!hahahhaha you all must think I am CRAYZEH!!!! My name is spelled Luffini Meela...therefore I thought it would be cool for Daanya to have that repetition in letters in her name too, hence Daanya Ayeesha...get it????hahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahaha....
Oh just a note....My dad did come up with variations to baby Daanya's name and asked me to consider...like Rania (queen rania????) and zania(like zany???) hahhaha no way!!!though I do think Queen Rania is beautiful!!!
You are right babyboon...so exhausting!!!Just to get and find the perfect name!!!Imagine what our parents went through for ours....but in the end, I am proud of the name we chose for her...hopefully the next one would be a brother to her...cause we have pre-chosen baby boy names in stock to pick from. Maybe 6,7 years down the line for the next one....ye ker????*angelic smile*
Ok....let me put things straight here...most of the people I know are not yet preggie and some are waiting to burst hehehhehe...so I am only going to tag one person that I know of whose due date is almost up....so rynn, do it when you already got a name for the little bump ok....
Instructions :
**Start Copy**Proposition: What is the meaning of your kid’s name?Requirements: write about what or how or why you giving the name to your kids.Quantity: FIVE PEOPLE.
Tag Mode:1st - You leave their blog and post link and add to the list below.2nd - Let the blogger you want to tag know they been tagged by comment in their blog or etc.
Judy - Meaning of the name TERRY
Shannon - Meaning of the Kiddo’s name
Yvonne - The Meaning of Ryan’s Name
Nadia - Meaning of lil’ tyke’s name
Nina - Meaning of Gibran Zayd
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