*** Begging for forgiveness ***

Ok, I have not been so kind to you my dear dear space....there hasn't been a day that passed and the thought of you have never left my mind! The writer in me has begged to be released but reality has it that I've kept her locked up and kept the key...I am so so sorry!  I will try to be more kind...and will try not to make empty promises!  Thank you for waiting for me and forgiving me numerous times!

Welcome 2013...let's make a change!

***A year older and wiser X 2***

Princess M turned 2, on June 16.  I remember it all like it was yesterday. The day she was born, the year that followed and now a year after that!  She is such a sight for sore eyes.  Slowly coming into her own, developing her own personality and letting us discover every new characteristic at each new milestone.

As tradition would have it, we celebrated Princess M's 2nd birthday with family.  It was fun where both families, mine and hub's contributed with the spread.  Hubs wanted our favorite rice dishes and immediately we knew what we wanted each family to bring and have a potluck going.  It is always good to have family around us and have the girls bond with them.

Best of all, the day was focussed on M.  She didn't know what was going on but noticed that the house was getting done up with birthday banners hung and mummy and daddy busy getting things done and rearranging things.  Of course we kept on singing the 'Happy Birthday' song to her but she would counter with singing the same song but it would be for me, daddy or her sister except her.

So, when the time came and everybody sang for her she got so embarrassed and ended up blowing her candle before cue.  So everybody sang again but this time she was too embarrassed to blow the candle again.  

Both my girls had fun though, my bestie came with her son, D and of course the girls were occupied with D and hopefully he had fun too!  I lost track on what was going on everywhere as I had to constantly make sure that everything was ok but I knew that was a make-up session going on with Daan as the make-up consultant.  

M opened her presents at the end and there were some surprises like a 7ft bouncy castle which really puzzled us as we had to figure out when and where would we inflate such a thing in our house??? So thanks lil bro, you meant well I know, but maybe we'll wait for you to purchase your house with a big compound and girls can have sleepovers and jump their sugars off on the bouncy castle.

We had fun, it was a lovely day!  We can't thank family enough! We love them to pieces and thankful that our girls have such wonderful and loving people surrounding them.

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Hub's birthday falls on the same month as M.  13 days later to be exact!  I remember when we learned M's EDD and we were really hoping that she would make her entrance as near as possible to her daddy's birthday. Of course it didn't happen.  Anyway, hubs always wanted a simple celebration.  He had always preferred that his birthday is celebrated just us; me and him with the girls.  He had planned that we ate out for dinner but so happened that it was a Friday, and I don't think he wants to face the jam especially at the time he usually comes back from work.  

So, I thought it would be practical to just cook an extra special dinner, have a cake and invited his good friend to join us. A close intimate affair.  He came back from work and was surprised that I had everything all set up.  It was such an exhausting day!  I cooked up a storm from morning and managed to meet up with good friends for an hour over tea at the place where I got the cake.  Actually, I wanted to get cake and they accompanied me only we all came separately.  But, they are such good support! 

Again, my girls had another opportunity to blow candles and sing Happy Birthday. So they did. Hubs had them blow the candles and cut the cake. Which was very sweet by the way!  

I was a happy mummy! My home cooked meal was very well received and my girls finished their plates and the rest of the dishes were cleaned out too! Yeay!!

I love my little family. Of course tempers flare sometimes but I could never imagine my life without them. 

Yaya, mummy loves you with all my heart!  You have never failed to make me smile at your quirky ways.  You have this charm that would melt hearts.  Your laid back ways amazes me all the time, how you always laugh at everything which shows me that you have this positive outlook on things.  You have taught me a lot this 2 years already and I am proud so proud of you.  Like Daan, we promise to give you the best cause you too deserve the best.  I love you my Little Miss Misunderstood!

Sayang, I am so proud of you.  You have sacrificed so much for us and continue to strive to give us the best.  We love you, I love you.  Thank you for everything.  Like I said, you have taught me the meaning of commitment and dedication towards having a healthy and happy family.  Happy Birthday, my one true love!

*** A dry spell ***

It was back to the normal routine in our household this week.  You know, the usual pick up and drop off, extra classes and schedules.  

I have been a little uninspired lately in the kitchen.  I think this is due to post-holiday syndrome! I have a fridge fully stocked but nothing comes to me.  It's a dry spell.  Need to be inspired again.  I need to re-kindle my friendship with the Food Network.  My bestie on the other hand has been cooking up a storm! And the wonderful dishes she came up with was so so awesome!  She says it is normal to go through a phase like this. Her tip was to just go with something simple and build from there especially now with recipes readily available on the Internet.  I don't know what this is but I need to overcome  it fast or else we will be blowing our budget eating out this month!  And I saw, this perfect recipe for Mango Lassi by Giada on Food Network...may not be a meal but it's a start eh?

P/s : Princess M turned 2 last weekend but that deserves a post on its own.

P.P/s : I am watching Something Borrowed on Fox right now and it is one of  my favorite movies so it is too distracting to write and watch at the same time. But hey, at least I am keeping to my weekly commitment!

Till next week!

***Matters of the heart***

This week was all about family. 

Funny how it is...you are at home raising your kids, making sure that everything in the household is in order and getting your routine down every waking day...minus all that then add in the proper setting; a remotely located resort, a beach, a swimming pool and some peace and tranquility, you start to really appreciate what you have in front of you.  You see your little family from a different light.  Minus all the routines you are bogged down with, you learn to appreciate them more and wishing that time could stand still right there and then just so things don't change. During times such as these you tend to bend a little and just let things fall where they may.  You let loose.

I love taking time off with my little family. I love spending every waking minute with them!  I am very grateful that we had these past two weeks to really bond and spend time together! In fact I am really grateful for all the quality times we had to date to do so. 

I guess it is really important to find time sometimes to just stop everything. Stop with the daily routines and take that moment to really put things in perspective and focus on what really matters.  I have been really happy lately but the past week I was at my happiest!  I get to really bond with my girls, no shouting and screaming from the top of my lungs to make sure they abide with whatever rules we've created! But to just let them be and just follow their wishes.  I was so relaxed and soaked it all in and savored the time. 

I discovered things about my girls that I wouldn't normally see on those 'normal' days.  Princess D is really starting to understand things better.  She is learning to understand that things are not just about her.  She has a baby sister which she has now learned to put in the picture.  She has really many principles and she stands by them.  She is true to her words and true to herself.  No pretense. No layers.  What you see is what you get.  She is somewhat of a control freak though some may curse me to say such things at that young age, but it is true! She likes it when things are in her control and freaks out or breaks down when they are not.  She has an outgoing side to her and can be really brave when she wants to be.  She just absorbs and absorbs her surroundings and turns everything into a learning process for herself.  She is also so in touch with her emotions.  I guess drama class is effective haha! Her wittiness astounds me.  I am truly proud of her and really in all honesty wants nothing but the best for her.

Princess M, is one tough cookie just as how our Aussie friends predicted she would be.  She knows what she wants and she fights for them.  She is so loving and caring. She is free-spirited but holds the things that are dear to her.  She is loyal.  She is friendly. Unlike her sister, she keeps her emotions to herself but let it all go when it reaches her limits.  That is when she doesn't stop.  She will make sure you know that you are the one she's got issues with. Her smile warms my heart! And she sure smiles alot!  She will let you know she loves you but will totally ignore you when she doesn't.  She like to make her own discovery and she learns from her trials and errors.  She doesn't give up easily.  She tries and tries until she succeeds.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful children.

I found out things about myself too! I found out that my OCD Type A+B goes with me no matter where I go.  Only it doesn't project so much in a relaxed environment.  Guess, you just can't have it all!  Cannot wait for the next family time!

***Check & Balance***

I can't say that I am totally back cause time has been very unkind to me!  I do miss writing and I'd hate for my next post to be a year from now...sometimes I wonder how those other full time moms do it.  At every chance I get I choose to unwind, relax or nap.  However not a day goes by without me thinking about this lil blog of mine.  Guilt overwhelms me for ignoring it!  I guess it is a commitment that I just have to make! Baby steps...maybe once a week?? Gee, I really don't want to make promises! But let's try for the sake of this 2nd  half of 2012.

It has been almost a year now since I have become a full time mummy.  Of course it does come with it its sets of challenges, there are good days and bad days. More often good than bad.  There are also days when I felt as though I am locked in a cage counting the days to be set free! ;p but I am lucky I have a very supportive family and most of all hubs is always all for me getting my days off!

What a whirlwind the past year has been! Now, life is slowly settling and I get to savor every minute of it!  It's as though I was meant to do this right from the very beginning.  Like this is my destiny.  When it all began of course, getting into the hang of things was tough. Exhausting!  Now that it has found its rhythm, I am so content! Minus the bad days of course!  I am happy. My girls are right there before my eyes.  They are learning and I am learning something new alongside with them.  I can't complaint.  I still have time to have a social life though not as much as I would previously,  I get time to take care of myself and my girls are achieving milestones of development beyond my expectations. It is still exhausting but I still feel that that balance is important!

I have discovered things that I never knew about myself. I discovered this liking for cooking.  Like I don't complaint when I have to do it! I find it exciting and liberating! Believe it or not, over the 11 months I have been a full time mummy, I have cooked over 100+ recipes! I can't believe it either..all from Malay to Chinese to Thai to Italian to Middle Eastern to Indian to the Western. All simple recipes of course and those that are acceptable to the palette of the household...and I find myself wanting to try more and more.  I introduce a new recipe each week and so far they've been accepted well...my biggest critic of course would be Hubs and hopefully he hasn't cheat and stretch his criticism.  I hope to have all these recipes collated and consolidated into a recipe book that I hope to be passed down to my girls.  It may not be much but it would be enough for them to whip something up when their own lives begin in years to come.  That is my dream, however, I have bought the right book to jot down these recipes but have yet to pen them.  I keep telling hubs how crucial it is for me to actually write these recipes down cause most of it are just conjured instinctively through what I've tasted from our food at the restaurants we dine in.  Like I said time is always unkind. Again baby steps...*sigh* So many to do so little time!

Then of course there is the yearly resolutions! I have never failed to set resolutions each new year and this year is no exception. I have achieved those resolutions before and this year to date is going good!  This year was supposed to be about progress; little milestones to trudge and achieve just to give us or rather myself the reassurance that we are indeed moving forward.  

This applies especially to our house.  We've moved in 2 years now and the first 2 years we put on hold furnishing and decorating cause the space was good for the kids especially Princess M (I was a month due to give birth when we moved in) to move around.  Now that Princess M is walking, jumping and running and doesn't need a field of space to practice her crawling, I have decided it is time to start putting in the big furnitures and play around with decorating ideas.  So far it is going great! We executed little projects to give a bit of warmth to the house.  We've also purchased armchairs and console tables. My personal favorite that somehow gave me this sense of achievement is when we sent our 28 year old piano for refurbishing.  I grew up with the piano when I started lessons at 5. Now, the piano is still with me and it has never looked better!  The refurbishing of the piano was indeed an achievement!  Apart from that we've also done up Princess D's room which also checks off the resolution to train her to sleep on her own.  The house of course is always a work in progress and I want to take my time to make it warm and homy for us.  It is something that we will live with for a long time and my aim is to make it comfortable for us to look forward to returning; a sanctuary!

The biggest portion of my resolution this year is Princess D.  I maybe tooting my own horn, but to me, she exudes a lot of potential.  The aim for me for her this year is to continue stimulating her personal growth and brain development.  People have called me a 'kiasu' mother but I couldn't give a S***! They are my kids and I will raise them as I see fit!  Princess D has the capacity and the energy.  It would be unfair for us not to expose her where her interests are and allow her to reach and grasp towards her maximum potential.  She loves the arts.  Be it imagining she is a Princess in dire need of help, singing, dancing, sketching and drawing..all about the arts!  Growing up I didn't have the opportunity to explore these skills in me.  Back then it was all about hitting the books and the piano! And of course getting good grades! The beginning of 2012, I was all over the Internet googling away for options.  It has to be drama, not speech and drama but the acting/theatre kind of drama.  Then there must be art class not the "let's learn how to draw your daddy with geometrical shapes" kind of art but fine art, where she is able to express all in drawings and learn coloring with pastel or water color.  You see why these classes are important because we felt that when Princess M made her debut Princess D had to suppress a lot of emotions.  She was just supposed to understand and give in just because she now has a little sister.  December 2010, she went into a depression spell for about 2 weeks.  Not wanting to communicate, was throwing her tantrums without a care and expressed no interest whatsoever in anything.  After that she developed self esteem issues and somehow along with that developed shyness and lack of confidence!  These classes were good for her to express herself so we signed her up for extra classes at her kindy.  This year however, I wanted to take it up a notch.  She shows so much interest in drama and art, that I went through all ends to look for the best classes outside of school for us to sign her up.  This way she could mix with new friends from different age groups which hopefully indirectly will boost her confidence and come out of her shyness.  Found the best classes for both respectively and it fitted our criteria for her and now half way through the year, she has so much to show for already!  She is more confident now, speaks very clearly and most importantly expresses her emotions forwardly.  She doesn't keep them in anymore. She lets us know when she is sad, angry, disappointed, happy, nervous and such!  Hubs and I are so happy with her progress and what she has achieved!  For drama especially, where she played a character in a group sketch and memorized her lines for the final presentation.  

We also signed her up for Mandarin classes.  The actual objective was for her to be enrolled into Chinese school.  After much thought, it wouldn't be practical and viable as our objectives for her is not just to crunch but fun and play is also important! Of course obviously one cannot get that in a Chinese school.  This was hub's dream.  We are both of Chinese descent where hubs is 50% chinese and I 25%.  He really wants the language to be learned and maintained down the generation.  The best solution is to send her to a Mandarin extra class that would teach the syllabus at the same time let the kids master the language.  We found one right under our noses nearby our home.  And voila!!! Princess D is now a mandarin speaking 5 year old mastering the basic of the language and learning the Std. 1 syllabus that of a Chinese school.  To date she has aced and done well in her tests bringing home her 100% or sometimes 90% sometimes 80%.

I know it in my heart she has the capacity and the energy.  She, by nature, is not those kids that terrorizes the house and turn it upside down, she prefers a structured environment, where she is able to play and imagine.  She loves her computer where she could sit and play for hours.  Her room is enough space for her imagination to run wild and play out her scenes as a Princess or a mommy or a sister or a fashionista or anywhere her imagination takes her! Call me whatever you want, kiasu or not,  there are reasons behind our decisions and naturally we have to do the best for our kids and I think the early years are the best years to let them discover where and what their interests are. As parents, I feel that the best way to encourage them during these years is to support them.  I am sure that is how a certain national squash player started out too, with a mere interest mixed with a little push and support.

Princess M.  What can I say, the first year has been quite turbulent especially where emotions are concerned.  And by that I meant  MY emotions.  Now almost turning 2, I can never be so proud!  We are still trying to gauge where her interest inclines to. So far I can see & hear a lot of singing and dancing from her.  She does sometimes pretend she is a certain character too but that sits behind to the singing and dancing.  She loves gadgets; the mobile phone, the computer, the iPad.  What is obvious about her character and skills so far is her temper and her coordination.  Her bodily kinetics is superb.  She learns something and catches really fast.  All in all trying to grow very fast or better yet to outdo her big sis.  We have no plans for her so far, just for her to keep discovering and learning.  Maybe 2013, we could start her with playgroup but we'll see her readiness.

Travels, breakaways & holidays has always been one of my many resolution each year.  It is my passion to discover new places domestic or international.  So far each year we do try to fulfill this pledge.  Ever since Princess D was one, we have travelled at least once in the year.  Just something to look forward to.  This year so far, Alhamdulillah, with His blessings and we were able to bring our 2 kids to experience plane rides to 2 international destinations, Singapore (January) and Australia (March).  The Australia trip was very meaningful as we were able to show our girls places that we visited during our honeymoon and being there together as hubs and wifey.  It was indeed very special and we felt so blessed to be given the chance to bring our kids with us and survived!!! Haha! I am so happy and grateful that my girls got to see and experience these parts of the world and made wonderful friends along the way!

Little breakaways tend to be more impromptu.  Brought the girls to Malacca for some history and of course introducing them to my roots where my grandma and dad was born from the Baba & Nyonya ancestry.  We had tonnes of fun!  Looking forward to a little relaxation at the beach soon and see how Princess M will like the swimming pool and water.  She had a hard time adjusting in Australia and only grew fond of the beach and its sands towards the end of our stay in Brisbane  before heading up to the Sunshine Coast. Hopefully she'll learn to accept this time...

Health is also important to me, always have and will always be!  But this year I stand on pushing myself further.  It has been going great and God willing, my motivation continues and of course with the wonderful friends I have made and their support, hopefully I won't be jumping off the wagon anytime soon!  But it is all about keeping and achieving your resolutions right? So far so good!

The year 2012 thus far has been kind.  I am truly grateful.  I am grateful for where my path has lead me.  I think I have always been born to be a mother - a stay-at-home one at that.  I have never felt so liberated, so determined and so so happy!  I am so content! Working all those years pulled me down. Proving myself to my superior, deadlines, pressure and stress and all for?  When all the while I knew the only person I need to prove to is myself and the Almighty of course!  I have achieved so much for the past one year than those many many years working and I am never happier! I have all that matters with me, my supportive husband, my lovely and growing girls, my parents, siblings and in-laws and wonderful wonderful friends!

Till my next post!  waiting for a whole year to update is exhausting!  Let's make it once a week?....It's a date then....

***Of voids and absences***

I cannot tell you how much I miss writing.  I miss it so much that it causes me to wander my everyday routines with this void in my heart....But what does that mean? Does that mean that this is another found passion...or does that just mean that I need to vent badly and this was my only channel? Whatever it is I miss it so badly and feels guilty for ignoring this space....It was a relieve 6 months ago when I first became a full time SAHM that I finally get some time to write. Unfortunately time does not permit at all...of course I could make time for it especially when the kids are down at night but then feelings have it that I would rather catch up on my ZZzzzz and better rest as much as I can....

I don't want to make promises, but I hope I am able to check in now and then and bare it all so to speak.  I hope to say that I am back but I don't want to speak too soon....but I do and I really do have so much to tell!

***Of greener pastures and moving forward***

I have been yearning to pen down my thoughts for what could have been a gazillion years if it was possible. Not a day gone by had I not thought about this space of mine, a place that could let it all out. I missed this little space of mine tremendously to the point that I feel really guilty for abandoning it too long. I hope that this streak won't be permanent...*crossing finger*

Anyhoo, let me begin with saying that life works in mysterious ways...sometimes you have so much going for you and you swear you planned every bit of your life to the core and it boils down to only executing them and when that point comes suddenly you find yourself taking a detour!...and that was exactly what happened to me!

So with that note I am proud to declare that I am now a STAY-AT-HOME mom! Turn of events transpired and we thought about it looooong and hard (of course by "we" I meant hubs and I). Of course we asked for guidance relentlessly! And Alhamdulillah and Insya Allah this option was for the better.

The truth of it all was I wasn't happy.Day in and day out totally unhappy! Yeah, you would probably say who isn't?especially when talking about work and your career...but with me work just made me want to crawl out of my skin. I hated every sense of the word! Of course I had made the best of it before and in fact had performed really well...but there s no doubt something inside of me was screaming that this is NOT FOR ME! The years before I had no choice...our finances didn't allow it and on top it all the new position prior to making this decision did have better prospects financially and in terms of progressing in my career...so imagine my predicament! But a decision had to be made and of course my priority remains that my baby daughters would always come first!so bearing that in mind, once staying home they deserve my upmost attention.

After it was official, to our surprise a number of turn of events happened that somehow assured me that this is right...we are doing fine so far...Alhamdulillah! No setbacks instead we were presented with good opportunities and prospects that Insya Allah if it is meant to be and God willing we look forward to it! I can sense that my princesses love the fact that we are now more close knit as a family. Princess D loves it that I am there for her all the time sending and fetching her to and from pre-school while Princess M has my attention 24/7 which I didn't get to give right after confinement because of the new job and long hours.

Shortly to say I have nothing but love right now...I love watching my girls grow up and develop right in front of my eyes, love that I have them with me as they are my comfort zone! Enough said ilove taking care of may family and have more important things to concentrate on. I have learned that life isn't always about what is material and the dollar sign though I must admit that they are important but nothing beats the love I am getting and the love I get to give by just diverting my focus on what matters most!I have no regrets. No doubt there are challenges and I will face obstacles but this is so fulfilling and satisfying...something I never had felt working for the man all those years!and I am still on the search for what I am passionate for, skills and talents basically things that I can be good at...but I am taking my time as I am doing what I love and passionate about so no complaints as yet...I am happy, my marriage is good, girls are fine...what more can I ask for...