*** A dry spell ***

It was back to the normal routine in our household this week.  You know, the usual pick up and drop off, extra classes and schedules.  

I have been a little uninspired lately in the kitchen.  I think this is due to post-holiday syndrome! I have a fridge fully stocked but nothing comes to me.  It's a dry spell.  Need to be inspired again.  I need to re-kindle my friendship with the Food Network.  My bestie on the other hand has been cooking up a storm! And the wonderful dishes she came up with was so so awesome!  She says it is normal to go through a phase like this. Her tip was to just go with something simple and build from there especially now with recipes readily available on the Internet.  I don't know what this is but I need to overcome  it fast or else we will be blowing our budget eating out this month!  And I saw, this perfect recipe for Mango Lassi by Giada on Food Network...may not be a meal but it's a start eh?

P/s : Princess M turned 2 last weekend but that deserves a post on its own.

P.P/s : I am watching Something Borrowed on Fox right now and it is one of  my favorite movies so it is too distracting to write and watch at the same time. But hey, at least I am keeping to my weekly commitment!

Till next week!

***Matters of the heart***

This week was all about family. 

Funny how it is...you are at home raising your kids, making sure that everything in the household is in order and getting your routine down every waking day...minus all that then add in the proper setting; a remotely located resort, a beach, a swimming pool and some peace and tranquility, you start to really appreciate what you have in front of you.  You see your little family from a different light.  Minus all the routines you are bogged down with, you learn to appreciate them more and wishing that time could stand still right there and then just so things don't change. During times such as these you tend to bend a little and just let things fall where they may.  You let loose.

I love taking time off with my little family. I love spending every waking minute with them!  I am very grateful that we had these past two weeks to really bond and spend time together! In fact I am really grateful for all the quality times we had to date to do so. 

I guess it is really important to find time sometimes to just stop everything. Stop with the daily routines and take that moment to really put things in perspective and focus on what really matters.  I have been really happy lately but the past week I was at my happiest!  I get to really bond with my girls, no shouting and screaming from the top of my lungs to make sure they abide with whatever rules we've created! But to just let them be and just follow their wishes.  I was so relaxed and soaked it all in and savored the time. 

I discovered things about my girls that I wouldn't normally see on those 'normal' days.  Princess D is really starting to understand things better.  She is learning to understand that things are not just about her.  She has a baby sister which she has now learned to put in the picture.  She has really many principles and she stands by them.  She is true to her words and true to herself.  No pretense. No layers.  What you see is what you get.  She is somewhat of a control freak though some may curse me to say such things at that young age, but it is true! She likes it when things are in her control and freaks out or breaks down when they are not.  She has an outgoing side to her and can be really brave when she wants to be.  She just absorbs and absorbs her surroundings and turns everything into a learning process for herself.  She is also so in touch with her emotions.  I guess drama class is effective haha! Her wittiness astounds me.  I am truly proud of her and really in all honesty wants nothing but the best for her.

Princess M, is one tough cookie just as how our Aussie friends predicted she would be.  She knows what she wants and she fights for them.  She is so loving and caring. She is free-spirited but holds the things that are dear to her.  She is loyal.  She is friendly. Unlike her sister, she keeps her emotions to herself but let it all go when it reaches her limits.  That is when she doesn't stop.  She will make sure you know that you are the one she's got issues with. Her smile warms my heart! And she sure smiles alot!  She will let you know she loves you but will totally ignore you when she doesn't.  She like to make her own discovery and she learns from her trials and errors.  She doesn't give up easily.  She tries and tries until she succeeds.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful children.

I found out things about myself too! I found out that my OCD Type A+B goes with me no matter where I go.  Only it doesn't project so much in a relaxed environment.  Guess, you just can't have it all!  Cannot wait for the next family time!

***Of voids and absences***

I cannot tell you how much I miss writing.  I miss it so much that it causes me to wander my everyday routines with this void in my heart....But what does that mean? Does that mean that this is another found passion...or does that just mean that I need to vent badly and this was my only channel? Whatever it is I miss it so badly and feels guilty for ignoring this space....It was a relieve 6 months ago when I first became a full time SAHM that I finally get some time to write. Unfortunately time does not permit at all...of course I could make time for it especially when the kids are down at night but then feelings have it that I would rather catch up on my ZZzzzz and better rest as much as I can....

I don't want to make promises, but I hope I am able to check in now and then and bare it all so to speak.  I hope to say that I am back but I don't want to speak too soon....but I do and I really do have so much to tell!

***For both my Princesses***

Maya turned 3 months last 16th September.Phew!!! Felt like such a whirlwind of a journey... I never thought we'd eventually get here actually...

It was a tough 2 months with my 2nd born Princess.  I have to put this on record, even from the moment she was born she really let the world know of her existence and really let us know of her demands.  That day marked the beginning of this crazy journey...

She was never satisfied from the get-go. She wanted to be fed all the time, she was always demanding something...the hospital nurses probably recognizes her crying every time I had to call them to bring her back to the nursery because I was unable to please her...On that note, let me say here that she is one loud crying baby!!Somehow it was also then that I knew that things are not normal anymore...it was then that I got scared thinking and wondering whether I am actually prepared to immerse myself into this reality that wasn't planned - that wasn't what I am built for.

First it was the skin breakouts...they tell me it was allergies...to what I thought?? cause at that point in time she was only on BM...the breakout went away, then it was the painful burps and the gases...they tell me it was the formula milk we were trying out...then there was the infrequent poopings...they said it was lactose intolerance...then came back the rash all over her body...they told me to watch for detergents and possible stimulants...then it was the irregular sleep patterns as she did not sleep/nap for more than 15 minutes during the day, which overtire her that she also could not sleep at night...they told me it's ok just enjoy her cause she is just inquisitive.

All these difficulties the first 2 months and it was slowly eating me on the inside..couldn't tell anybody cause I was ashamed or rather...ashamed of her cause I thought that my babies are all supposed to be perfect.  My first born was a happy baby and I caught on to that current and was oblivious to the fact that this time my baby is not perfect!I guess I did not prepare for the worse. I was fazed by the status quo. My emotional well-being went into a downward spiral.  I knew it was more than the blues. It got even more difficult everyday...too much to handle, too much to bear...I hated everyone around me, hated the fact that they were not helping me solve what was wrong with my baby, or so I thought. I blamed myself for being such a lousy person, such a lousy mother. I kept on wanting to have things back as they were...wanted the norm that I was already used to - just me, hubby and Dan Dan.  I did not sign up for M's moods and tantrums...in my reality, she was supposed to make her entrance and everything was supposed to be smooth sailing from there just as we done it before...I got bitter and angry all the time...she was in the way of everything...I wanted just 5 seconds of rest and that she couldn't give me...why does it have to be all about her? how about me???I took it out on hubby a lot too...I hated myself for doing this to myself...I was tired, exhausted, fatigued and stressed...I think most of all I was angry at her for causing all this ruckus...She was hard for me to accept...

I kept this all inside me...I felt that no one could help me anyway so why bother. There was and still is this void inside of me that felt like I have lost a part of me. That I am not the same person as I was before. I have lost myself and it is never coming back.

There was also this part of me that was holding on strong.This voice that tells me to fight...a voice that convinced me that M is mine and that I love her.  It was this voice that told me to tell someone.  It was this voice that saved me.  It wasn't strong but it was there fighting with me.  It was there telling me to stand strong and gave it my best shot and told me M was worth the fight! M is a blessing...by the works of the Almighty, I was given time...it was written from the start...He granted my du'a for a better career prospect...and He had written it in a way that before this new challenge begin, I would have 'time' to be with my baby. I was reluctant at first but took on this initial challenge...little did I know, all I needed to do was just concentrate on the bigger picture and not dwell on the smaller.  Alhamdulillah, I was able to talk to my mother about my ordeal...she too had sense something was off with me...I had my best friend, who never stopped being concerned of my well being and most of all my husband and my first born who never got tired of dealing with my mood swings and uneasiness...

I got to know M better. I now know what she expects...I now know what she demands of me and I now know that all she needed was for me to open my eyes and my heart and accept her and be excited just like how I was with Daanya.  All she wanted was my attention and my focus on her and listen. Something that I failed to do cause I was too selfish and wanted things to work out for only me. So with that small voice of positivity and with whatever strength I have left, they were my armor. I listened.  Now, I can't seem to tear myself away from her.  I want to make up for lost time.  I put her through too much...too much for just that little person to handle. I am guilty for all the selfishness and for not taking care of myself and handling things much better.  In return she now allows me to love her unconditionally...a feeling that I thought was impossible. Alhamdulillah, Praise the Almighty, Syukur! I don't know if I am truly cured but I hope that I am and everyday I struggle to fight and ward off all the negativity.  It is a lonely battle and so far my sanity is still in tact.  I do find myself getting angry easily but I am a work in progress.  Hopefully, I will be a better mother to Maya more than what she expects me to be. For both my princesses!

Note: At 3 months, Maya is now 5.3kgs, coos and gurgles (loves doing this if you talk to her) and smile since she was 2 months old, taking in 6oz of milk at every feed.poops every 2 days (at the point that this entry was composed she pooped 2 days back to back). Loves her baths now. Holds her head strong since she was 2 days old. Loves to suckle her fingers and lets you know when she is bored and wants to watch tv. She wakes up once at night for her feed and sleeps instantly after.  She has two daytime naps - one in the morning and one lunchtime nap (I read apparently lunch time naps are good for infants with difficulty napping, if you put them down at 12:30-1pm they will eventually learn to nap better and be calmer babies as this is the time that they naturally less productive (http://www.contentedbaby.com/SolvingLunchtimeNap.htm)).  She now follows a routine and I try my level best to stick to that routine.  The first 2 months she sleeps longer with the help of a swing, now we are able to put her down for her naps and sleeps.  She takes the pacifier to help her sleep and only to help her sleep.

***Liberty***

One more day before confinement ends.  This time around, I had vowed to go through the traditional Malay "pantang" in full force.  And that I did.  Though the results are rather satisfying and one must be equipped with the strongest of wills. 

For me recuperating is not the problem...I think the 2nd week in I was already strong enough, of course there were glitches here and there especially with the "urut urat" the first 10 days of my confinement.  The obstacle for me is getting used to Yaya's rhythm (I dcided to call her that!).  Yaya too probably went through a rough 30 days..well not probably, I confirm that she did go through a rough 30 days especially on day 30...

I think the problem was that there were too many distractions that probably caused me not to be able to get hold or get to know her better...of course 30 days is a tad bit too immature to be making any conclusions but at this 2nd last day, that I finally got the best advice and allow me to be able to take it all at a different light. A bit too late? I hope not...

With Dan Dan, I had ample time to get to know her, to know her rhythm and her patterns cause I pretty much had her to care for independently and there wasn't any distractions. I concentrated on her 100%.  The challenge with Yaya was adjustment.  I had to adjust with the fact that Dan Dan is 3 and it is the attention seeking age...I was too busy balancing everything.  Making sure Dan Dan gets the attention, making sure that Yaya's needs are met and at the same time meeting my needs too...I was distracted with making sure the routine is established and of course being a true Capricorn, that routine cannot be messed with else all else would fail.  And true enough, that was what happened...

Only towards the end of the confinement days that I realized that things would be much easier if I played it by ear...of course there were breakdowns...a lot of which in the shower where I cannot help but bawl my eyes out!!!(the only "me" time I could get!)  By this time there were too many negativities in me that I even thought of walking away...scolded myself for wanting this...at the same time blaming myself for being such a useless mother...

But at this 2nd last day, our paed gave me the best advice which I thought was 30 days late but nevertheless I'll take it in...He said, "...it is because you already have the fear in you after what had happened and now you tend to be over protective and over analyzing things...Yaya is an inquisitive baby! (showing us how Yaya is inspecting paed's consultation room.) Why put her to sleep when she doesn't want to? Let her observe her surroundings, let her take it in and she will let you know when she wants to sleep...why bother making sure that she burps after feeding just because our grans tell us to?If after 5 minutes nothing happens, I wouldn't worry about it...it will come out eventually...why worry if she doesn't poo everyday, even if it is every other day, her poop is not with diarrhea substance and there is no blood with the poop, and with a max of 3 days of not pooping, she is fine...as for her painful gas and the rash, I recommend I.s.o.m.i.l cause it is so obvious that she is lactose intolerant. Try it out, and you will find your life will be less agonizing..."

Best advice I ever got throughout this whole 44 days...From his advice I also concluded that I need to be less of a control freak and enjoy that my baby is here and that we all should enjoy her arrival.  If things don't work out, it is ok, take a breather and learn to take it all in and gain the experience from it.  Stop comparing Yaya to Dan Dan!!! The experience is not the same!!! 

This will remain as a mental note from henceforth...

Anyway, happy liberty to me!!!I survived 44 days of confinement...have not gotten to the weight i want yet but in due time, hopefully...Going out today even for my post natal check up was so liberating and I was able to release some stress - to be able to see the outside of my house was such a sight...It was breathtaking and definitely a stress reliever! Woo saaaaa....

***Parenthood***

I am a big fan of the show.  Even the adverts that promotes the show where the talents answer what parenthood means to them...

Ever since Maya came, my whole idea on parenting has somewhat changed.  We get away with thinking "Oh this one will not be any different than the first one!" I know now that each child you bring into the world is unique. Different in every sense of the word.  They have their own characteristics that makes you fall in love all over again...I think this is why each child is special.

I have always devoted that I will raise my children so that they will be exposed to what life could offer so that they can learn from their own experiences.  I never want to be a hovering mother, I still vow to never be one! Discipline is still very important and you still need to discipline your child when need be.

I knew and still remember well how I was brought up...my brother and I were brought up with the strictest of discipline, old school style I would say...my mother was the disciplinarian of my parents.  Everything we did wrong would have its repercussions. And being always curious, we would get ourselves into a whole lot of mess....and we always faced our music...mom was a bit liberal on the other two...probably because much of it is left to us older ones to overlook on their well being...the advisors...but I think now that we are all grown up, the disciplining worked!Not that I am a total angel...but I know my right from wrong because that guilty conscience will always be there to bug me...and I am so grateful to mom for turning me into this person I once never thought I could be.

But I have a different outlook for my kids.  I think it was because I came from such a strict upbringing that I don't want the same for my kids.  It is still important though for them to have that fear of you...I always note this to myself.  They need to fear you so that they will know who is boss. So that they will listen.  Princess D gets away murder as far as our parenting goes. Yeah, nothing to be proud of yet...she tests and tests and tests hoping that you will falter to her bellows. A person close to us said to me, you have to be cruel to be kind, and yes I believe in that as hard and difficult it may seem.

It's always trials and errors this parenting..there will be mistakes, there will be days where you make those mistakes and feel like a total jacka$$, there are days where you'll come out of it like the most incapable moron, then there will be triumphant days and you pat yourself on the back and assure yourself of a job well done...hubby and I have a looooong way to go and there are many obstacles to hurdle...it takes a gazillion sacrifices, it takes realizing the reality that there are no more rest days, no more lazy days...let's see how this goes second time around...*crossing finger*

***Life's Purpose***

I was off from work yesterday. Being pregnant gets the doc's empathy everytime...So, like all the other days when I am unwell, I decided to declare the day a lazy day...catch with the idiot box and old movies...

After hubby left for work, I began my conquest of a lazy day...and it started with an episode of Oprah...it was an episode where Ms. Oprah and her guest Marianne Williamson talked about and explored the miracle of midlife.  Though I may be no where near, but the topic sparked my interest and somehow intrigued me. It made me realize the many things about myself that I have yet to explore and at the same time made me ask myself alot of questions that somehow I just did not have any answer for....

You see, I have been in a rut of a situation...career wise...where do I begin?? In all honesty...I seriously do not know what my forte is...people at work including my superiors say I am excellent at communicating and that I do it very well...they also told my that my excellence also reside in my desk work outputs...in my recent appraisal, my superior told me that I produce excellent paperwork and that I have never failed him when all that he needed from my unit were all at my fingertips. Though I am thankful that I have that, but it does not satisfy me cause with guilt, every time someone praises me exactly that, I have no feeling of content nor satisfaction not at the slightest bit. Not because I want to be better but because I don't find love or passion in what I do...I am half type A and naturally whatever I do, I want to do the best and a poor outcome out of my endeavors are never accepted.  This ironically was also how I was trained as I was growing up.So yes, I find no passion in my work and tasks in the office, no satisfaction, never complacent about what I do...to me it is just a job that would pay the bills.Bottom line, it is very text book - I have to work, I have to have a job cause I have bills to pay and a family to help support.

This has somehow over the years, caused my to be very depressed when it comes to matters of career.  I do observe friends of mine who has found passion in what they do and I so long for something or rather a career that I can be passionate about and proud of. A career rather than a job!

So, watching this particular episode of Oprah has made realize how they urge their audience to find their life's purpose...In this episode there were a lot of testimonials of women who were inspired and had career changes at 40 or 50...some left their corporate career of 6 figured incomes to open a flower business and some of course were still in search...the key was to search for your life's purpose...to begin the search and never say it is too late cause it is never too late...I want to do that! I want to search for what my purpose is...I know I cannot stay in this rut forever and let it be mundane eventually...I can't go on the remainder of my young life not trying...I am a super fighter and used to be an achiever...what happened to me?

Of course, the opportunities that lies out there never helps...it is a dog eat dog world and also a who you know world...why is it that nobody wants to give you a chance to learn? and the opportunity to be good at what you do though you might be a newbie and let you grow from that? This whole career issue has always been my 100 tonnes burden...and I always end up at a dead end...and at that dead end, I always resort to "As long as I get my check at the end of the month!"  or "I am lucky to even have a job and to be where I am" so I end up giving up and taught myself to be complacent. Just typing that makes me feel depressed....

But you see,I never used to be that way...I used to go after what I want...it makes me feel even worse that I do not what am I supposed to be doing????????This question seems to make a comeback every time!!! Aside from work, I love being at home with my family...I love playing my daughter, I love taking care of things at home...I love making sure that our priorities as a family are always in tact...I love being a part of the decision making for the best of my family...I find much content in domestic issues of the household knowing that all this has its purpose...where as at work, I am not after anything...just do my job like what is expected of me and to please people depending on what I do and what I produce.........

So, how do I begin finding this life's purpose when I do not know where to begin...I do not know what am I good at? Dropping everything and starting fresh is not an option...though I credit an advice from the loving Nurul to do so...She said "Kak, all will fall into place,He will guide you" though I am tempted to do so, I just can't...

This is what I know so far...yes, I am good with communicating with people..I always make sure that my desk work outputs are immaculate, I always have this creative spark in me that somehow I want to unleash but I don't know what exactly those talents are cause I dabble a lot...I also have this urge to be free and not be confined...

I just need to work on it more...but I know that things must change and to think about "me" for a change...THINGS MUST CHANGE!! for me to be a whole and complete...

***On Cloud 9***

It is a rainy evening. I am here in the office supposedly to attempt unresolved work and tasks.My mp3 player running songs of yesterdays made my attention wander.I love rainy days...wishing that instantly I could have a portal that would tele-port me straight home and onto my bed where I imagine laying down and watching my favorite romantic comedies.I know what wishful thinking that could be.  Instead I look back and reflect on how things in my life has turned out in the past months.  The direction of my life has somehow looked up and I realized how lucky and fortunate I actually am. I have family and dear dear friends who cares a lot about my well being and are always there when I need them and hope that I too have been equally reciprocal. I have a beautiful daughter and such a loving husband. Only these matter right now.  I have these all in tact and I am so thankful.

Lately, we have been so blessed. Things that we plan for the year has so far turned out with positive outcomes.  I am elated with what promises us in the year to come due to all that is achieved this year.  Hopefully next year we are able to celebrate our triumph as opposed to all the patience and refrains we had to put ourselves through this year. 

Of course there are still unresolved issues but those dark patches I really don't want to bother myself with right now as for me being happy in my private personal life is much more worth. Worth all the happiness in the world. Life does go on indeed but if you have such wonderful family and friends paired with all their support and love those dark patches are certainly bearable.  I just need to look at things from a different perspective and find the positive.  I sound like a self-help book...let's just see how this streak of delight would last...but so far so good.***Crossing fingers***

***Perplexed***

A lot of things have been going on in the workplace lately . Everything is very unsettling. Not worrying just disturbing.I feel that things could have been more properly managed. I wished that things were more upfront and transparent instead of leaving employees collectively to assume and wondering where the direction of their career path would be. I am neither here nor there...I trudge through my everyday to the office now like a mindless robot not having a care for what the outcome would be. Well, maybe I do care a little in a "to defend our rights as employees" sense. It feels amiss in my opinion to haul people here and there and everywhere without warning. Some people are not well connected to the grapevine and some are inhabitants of that grapevine. But then again it is just a grapevine. Am I making sense?We were warned not to rely on the grapevine but yet without prior official warning and notice that grapevine seems to be doing its part well. Sometimes too well. Oh well chosen or not is not the issue...All I know at the end of the day, I still have my salary perpetually banked in. Deep in my heart, I think I know what my direction is and I know what is it that I really want to do...right now, I am just helping out the household. I hope Insya Allah, one day, one fine day, things would look up and I am able to leave this rat race and concentrate on nurturing my child and those to come in the future. Besides, family always comes first.....at least in my books.