***In Actuality***

I have been putting off having to write updates.  Not because I have absolutely nothing to write, I have gazillion things to say...but in actual fact I felt that time was just too limited with so many things going on in our lives right about now.  To a point that things are a tad bit too overwhelming to have ourselves go through....However, I have to take it all with a grain of salt focusing on the "bigger" picture!!  This is for the best of our little family and if it takes for mummy and daddy to be tired, exhausted and broke so be it!!

I am now in my 33rd week of pregnancy...just a stones' throw away before things become even more chaotic!!hehehe.  So much anxiety at this point. Not to a state of panic just yet but slowly getting there....I have to really begin getting her stuffs soon...or else she is going to come to world without her essentials and may spark some psychological effect there..hehe...lately I have been bogged with this inner feeling of insecurity whether I will be a good mummy this 2nd time around. Whether we will provide for her with the best just like we did her elder sister (who is still reigning queen, by the way, with no sign of stepping down!!!)and also whether we or at least I will be able to love her the same like the reigning queen...All these insecurity scares me a bit...or am I over-thinking things???Honestly, the feeling just popped out of no where and as the time draws nearer, the more insecure I get...which scares me a little well a lot....I do hope this is normal...definitely will try my best to fight all negativity and know that all has been written and this "rezeki" (livelihood) has its purpose, I am sure of it...I do know that I am and have been so blessed and while He tests those He knows capable, the past 33 weeks has come and gone with its fair of challenges and definitely with progress worth waiting for...

If you are unable to guess by now, yes, it will be a girl for us again this time!!!Yeay!!! I have pictured it in my head how D and baby sis would get along, how they will be best friends and share secrets together and be inseparable, just like those shows we see on TV...oh I am so praying hard that they'll be the best of friends!!! Queen D has been throwing tantrums lately and at the same time being very "manja" or rather clingy. Other than that what shocked us while observing her character day to day is that she suddenly develops this motherly/sisterly behavior.  You see, she has this baby doll that she never cared for before who is now her "baby"...she pampers the baby, makes pretend milk for the baby, pushes her baby in the miniature stroller, consoles the baby when it cries and etc...so cute witnessing this....i guess intrinsically she is somewhat preparing herself????That would be a way to look at the positive right??Better than ignoring it all together, I suppose...hehe. Let's see how this will fair at the end....

The new abode's renovation works is almost reaching its completion.I thought it would never end and we will never get to move in before the baby's arrival.Hubby wants to begin the whole moving process soonest possible as he has tonnes of work piling up and awaiting for him this month...so the sooner we move in the better he will get to coordinate his hours at the office.  So, I anticipate a whole lot to take place within this 2 weeks and knowing the urgency I cannot let my "control freak" nature take over....hubby seems to have it all in his head....my concentration at this point would be to focus on the pregnancy and baby's arrival...though I must say that I am almost freaking out about moving into a house with no curtains, or kitchen top and sinks and taps (the kitchen people will only install these a week after the cabinet has been installed) and the thought of possibly washing D's bottles in the toilet sink?????...arrghhhh!!! I just hope that things will go according to plan......huhu....

On the career front, things has been looking up quite a bit...the department head re-structured the department putting me under the supervision of a manager and I must say, things are so much more structured now...at least my manager has paved a direction for our unit and all is such bliss cause she is so professional and understanding...

Beyond that I have also been circulating my resume...so far the prospect is quite good and pregnancy is not a hindrance apparently to be called in for interviews...so I am praying hard for something to transpire out of this...something good and prospective.

To be continued....

***And She turned Fabulous 3**

"Alhamdulillah, Praise to Allah the Almighty for all the He has blessed us with!"  

Our precious little Royal Highness turned 3 last 23rd March 2010. Oh my! I won't even begin to express how fast time flies though it is very much cliche but it is a natural fact.  Time seems to fly by even faster when you have a kid it seems...

We celebrated with a small intimate get together of just family...and it was perfect.  I would never have it any other way... We went with the D.isn.ey P.rincess theme this year as Her Royal Highness has develop an avid interest for the characters and not forgetting the movies.  This year we decided to order a D.isn.ey P.rincess cake from S.ecret Re.cipe because of the disappointment of ordering through a blog from the year before.  Though the cake had a beautiful outlook, the cake was so dry and tasteless..oh well...you learn from your mistakes right???

I am so grateful to the Almighty for granting us this 3rd year with our precious princess.  She has brought so much light and happiness in our lives and am so appreciative that she is and will always be my first born.  I am truly proud of her and her developments. Truly proud of her maturity and how she lights up my everyday with her antics.  Dan Dan, mummy loves you with all my heart and soul...and I can never imagine living my life without you in it.  Continue to make mummy and daddy proud and hope that in turn we too have made you proud.

***Wishing on the star***

This is actually a wish list post of the things I wish to have for this baby 2nd time around.  I am now closing in on the 28th week of pregnancy and somewhat excited on the arrival of our new addition to the family.***grin***

So here are some of the items on my wish list which is non-exhaustive that's for sure!!

I want I want I want!!!

***Life's Purpose***

I was off from work yesterday. Being pregnant gets the doc's empathy everytime...So, like all the other days when I am unwell, I decided to declare the day a lazy day...catch with the idiot box and old movies...

After hubby left for work, I began my conquest of a lazy day...and it started with an episode of Oprah...it was an episode where Ms. Oprah and her guest Marianne Williamson talked about and explored the miracle of midlife.  Though I may be no where near, but the topic sparked my interest and somehow intrigued me. It made me realize the many things about myself that I have yet to explore and at the same time made me ask myself alot of questions that somehow I just did not have any answer for....

You see, I have been in a rut of a situation...career wise...where do I begin?? In all honesty...I seriously do not know what my forte is...people at work including my superiors say I am excellent at communicating and that I do it very well...they also told my that my excellence also reside in my desk work outputs...in my recent appraisal, my superior told me that I produce excellent paperwork and that I have never failed him when all that he needed from my unit were all at my fingertips. Though I am thankful that I have that, but it does not satisfy me cause with guilt, every time someone praises me exactly that, I have no feeling of content nor satisfaction not at the slightest bit. Not because I want to be better but because I don't find love or passion in what I do...I am half type A and naturally whatever I do, I want to do the best and a poor outcome out of my endeavors are never accepted.  This ironically was also how I was trained as I was growing up.So yes, I find no passion in my work and tasks in the office, no satisfaction, never complacent about what I do...to me it is just a job that would pay the bills.Bottom line, it is very text book - I have to work, I have to have a job cause I have bills to pay and a family to help support.

This has somehow over the years, caused my to be very depressed when it comes to matters of career.  I do observe friends of mine who has found passion in what they do and I so long for something or rather a career that I can be passionate about and proud of. A career rather than a job!

So, watching this particular episode of Oprah has made realize how they urge their audience to find their life's purpose...In this episode there were a lot of testimonials of women who were inspired and had career changes at 40 or 50...some left their corporate career of 6 figured incomes to open a flower business and some of course were still in search...the key was to search for your life's purpose...to begin the search and never say it is too late cause it is never too late...I want to do that! I want to search for what my purpose is...I know I cannot stay in this rut forever and let it be mundane eventually...I can't go on the remainder of my young life not trying...I am a super fighter and used to be an achiever...what happened to me?

Of course, the opportunities that lies out there never helps...it is a dog eat dog world and also a who you know world...why is it that nobody wants to give you a chance to learn? and the opportunity to be good at what you do though you might be a newbie and let you grow from that? This whole career issue has always been my 100 tonnes burden...and I always end up at a dead end...and at that dead end, I always resort to "As long as I get my check at the end of the month!"  or "I am lucky to even have a job and to be where I am" so I end up giving up and taught myself to be complacent. Just typing that makes me feel depressed....

But you see,I never used to be that way...I used to go after what I want...it makes me feel even worse that I do not what am I supposed to be doing????????This question seems to make a comeback every time!!! Aside from work, I love being at home with my family...I love playing my daughter, I love taking care of things at home...I love making sure that our priorities as a family are always in tact...I love being a part of the decision making for the best of my family...I find much content in domestic issues of the household knowing that all this has its purpose...where as at work, I am not after anything...just do my job like what is expected of me and to please people depending on what I do and what I produce.........

So, how do I begin finding this life's purpose when I do not know where to begin...I do not know what am I good at? Dropping everything and starting fresh is not an option...though I credit an advice from the loving Nurul to do so...She said "Kak, all will fall into place,He will guide you" though I am tempted to do so, I just can't...

This is what I know so far...yes, I am good with communicating with people..I always make sure that my desk work outputs are immaculate, I always have this creative spark in me that somehow I want to unleash but I don't know what exactly those talents are cause I dabble a lot...I also have this urge to be free and not be confined...

I just need to work on it more...but I know that things must change and to think about "me" for a change...THINGS MUST CHANGE!! for me to be a whole and complete...

***O' wishlist!!!***

Since January began, we have been cracking our heads thinking of layout designs and decor for the new house.  It is tougher this time around cause we finally found an empty house and finally able to put our own touches onto the house.  Unlike this present one that we purchased where everything had been there we only needed to move in with a couple of essentials, our clothes and ourselves!!hehe.  We purchased this present house thinking that it was perfect since we got it when we got engaged and at that point in time it was a worthy purchase considering we were just starting out in life.  Now almost 5 years into our lives together with a 3 year old toddler in tow and one in the oven, we thought it was perfect timing to look further into the future.

The new purchase right now is like a blank canvas. I have all these ideas and I very much wish that I can have the best of everything!!!Eversince the purchase, I have been collecting all sorts of inspirations with so much hope and anticipation that I am able to imprint them into our new house.  Let me share with you some of those ideas and hopefully with my fingers crossed we are able to somehow have some sort of the same...

***Al-Fatihah - Rest in Peace Wan ( 02.06.1930 - 22.01.2010)***

My paternal grandma passed away last Friday (22.01.2010).It was indeed sad as I never got to say goodbye. Though her passing was very much predicted, we never thought it would be this soon.  My grandpa passed on last April and since grandma has somehow lost her will to live.  She did admit to being so lonely and misses grandpa dearly.  I always find it  difficult to express my feelings when it comes to dealing with pains and sorrows of these kind. I did try to be a little stronger this time compared to the passing of my grandpa. I felt more sorrow wondering what is going through my dad's mind.  It somehow hurt me more to see and know that my dad is also hurting while trying to be very strong like the eldest son that he is. 

My grandma has always been a loving grandma especially to her grandchildren and their children. Grandma has always wanted to be closer to Daanya but at this toddler age, Daanya's attention span spans all over the place, so to speak. My grandma is the independent old timer who drives to where she wants to go. A stick-shift too at that. I have friends of mine giving the salute awestruck at my grandma's ability to drive her Honda Civic here and there.  She was the kind of grandma that would instead come to visit you just to see her great-grandchild instead of you visiting her.  She was the kind that made sure you ate and drink plenty when you visit her even though you stuffed your face solid before coming to see her.

I still remember way back then when we siblings used to anticipate going back to JB for Eid, before things started to change.  She and grandpa lived in the spacious corner lot with a gigantic space of a garden, large enough for her to grow 6-8 rambutan trees. My my. Every Eid, our staple Eid menu would be cooked right on that very garden, with coal, firewood and real fire the works!Eid was so much fun back then. I also remember how that house was situated right in front of a railway track and we (cousins and siblings) would run all the way to the kitchen every time a train would pass by.  Oh so heavenly, the sound of those trains as loud and annoying as they were.

Then when they moved to a new place, things were a bit different.  I was growing into a teenager then and more often the drive back was more of a drag and once there I always counted to days to head back to KL.  Adolescence! Then when we lost our eldest uncle and aunty (Pak long and Mak long), things somehow were completely different.  Felt like things were more torn apart and not just at the seams.Then when dad decided to move both grans to KL and 5 mins away from mom and dad's...things are now unrecognizable. We don't gather as often anymore. Dad and his siblings took turns taking care of both of them so that meant that we see each other less.

I am still proud that my little Daanya had her fair share with her great grandparents. It is pretty obvious that she will not remember their existence in years to come but I hope (in the events that she reads this blog)she knows that she has somehow touched their lives and had loved playing with her when she was little.  I hope that she knows that they had always came to see her whenever they missed her and her antics.

It is now to focus on the present and move on...and hoping to rely on  the fond memories of the past with much hope that these will build you and make you stronger!!!Al-Fatihah!!

***Tata 2009, Bienvenue 2010! ***

It was a year just like any other years prior....funny how I always manage to post on this blog at the entry of every new year with much resolution that I will not neglect the blog but will always fail to do so!Can't say that I did not try though...it is just tougher now to be inspired and get into the mood of writing when we spent the entire year being slapped with the "terrible 2" phase!! Yup, 2009 we have officially been smacked and accepted membership into the new reality of temper-tantrums-at-a-new-height, a loud, wild, chatty and highly imaginative domain that belongs to a 2 year old Daanya Ayeesha.  We with much hesitant welcomed embarrassing meltdowns in public, a screaming toddler demanding her fair (rather unfair) share of attention, constant mood swings which always is in the red alert boiling mode,it's my-way-or-the-highway attitude. Due to that, time-outs are more frequent and mummy and daddy melt downs occurred once or twice (ceh, what an understatement!).Oh well...guess we will just have to wait till this phase wears itself out...will it? *cross fingers* They say that 3 is the new 2...huwaaaa I am terrified of what is to come when that comes...she turns 3 in 2 months and the phase doesn't look like it is going away anytime soon!!!

It hasn't all been negative though..."her majesty" does have some antics that put smiles on our faces and made us proud too...her vocabulary is much more stronger now so she makes sure she utilizes them...she gets away with "I don't trust daddy" or "daddy protect Daanya Eesha" or "mummy kiss Daanya and I become frog and then mummy kiss Daanya again then I can say I'm back!!!" those moments really makes you feel that you have done something right!!!She is much struggling to find her own independence now very much to our dismay...guess we should learn to let go sometimes...at 2 she would prefer to wash and clean herself in the shower (she just upgraded herself to mummy and daddy's toilet privileges).

The coming months in 2010 will also see us hopefully moving into our newly acquired home. Alhamdulillah with God's will we were able to purchase a new home and as if the timing could not be any better, after the purchase we found out of the pregnancy. Rezeki anak! hehe...honestly we will be paying through our noses for this purchase but with the baby coming the extra space would do us wonders and we bought this house in anticipation for the future...in hopes that we do not see ourselves upgrading anymore anytime soon...the house is meant for the kids (how ever many we will end up having) and we have to take account their future and the prospects of this house serving them in the future....hence, the purchase!And also as if the timing could be better, we managed to sell our current house just in the nick of time!I am so thankful that I cannot ask for better!The Almighty has made everything so smooth sailing so far and the timing of all events is so perfect...Alhamdulillah!

2009 witnessed me walking gracefully (hopefully!) into the 3 series.Older and wiser, I do pray...I cannot ask for more being 30 and have a lovely husband and daughter with one on the way and all that we have achieved...perfect! cannot be better!!But I do always pray that I would always be under His watch and wish for the best for everybody in the family!

So there!A lot of anticipation to look forward to in 2010.  I resolved before that the years I do get pregnant my resolution that year would be just to focus on being healthy and focusing on the arrivalaside from working on the new house and decorating...you know, making it a home and nesting!hehehe...so welcome 2010, I am looking forward to what you can present to us! and once after the arrival to concentrate on balancing it all...so that will be the main focus for the year 2010...

***On Cloud 9***

It is a rainy evening. I am here in the office supposedly to attempt unresolved work and tasks.My mp3 player running songs of yesterdays made my attention wander.I love rainy days...wishing that instantly I could have a portal that would tele-port me straight home and onto my bed where I imagine laying down and watching my favorite romantic comedies.I know what wishful thinking that could be.  Instead I look back and reflect on how things in my life has turned out in the past months.  The direction of my life has somehow looked up and I realized how lucky and fortunate I actually am. I have family and dear dear friends who cares a lot about my well being and are always there when I need them and hope that I too have been equally reciprocal. I have a beautiful daughter and such a loving husband. Only these matter right now.  I have these all in tact and I am so thankful.

Lately, we have been so blessed. Things that we plan for the year has so far turned out with positive outcomes.  I am elated with what promises us in the year to come due to all that is achieved this year.  Hopefully next year we are able to celebrate our triumph as opposed to all the patience and refrains we had to put ourselves through this year. 

Of course there are still unresolved issues but those dark patches I really don't want to bother myself with right now as for me being happy in my private personal life is much more worth. Worth all the happiness in the world. Life does go on indeed but if you have such wonderful family and friends paired with all their support and love those dark patches are certainly bearable.  I just need to look at things from a different perspective and find the positive.  I sound like a self-help book...let's just see how this streak of delight would last...but so far so good.***Crossing fingers***

***Eid Mubarak 1430 Hijrah***

I wish you ALL a very happy and peaceful Eid. May Allah accept your good deeds, forgive your transgressions and ease the suffering of all peoples around the globe.

This year I was very much anticipating the celebrations  primarily because Hazmy was away (duty calls!) majority of the Ramadhan month and was back 2 days before Eid.  Ramadhan for me this year was pretty much independent...i liked it that I was able to juggle the household independently but having him around always completed my day. I always had someone to talk to and to basically vent to about how my day went.  Though the little princess and I missed him alot while he was away, I figured that I'd better think positively and instead of focusing on him being away, I took it as quality time with little D.

So, Alhamdulillah everything went smoothly. Eid came and we went about our usual routine...This year somehow felt a bit more meaningful cause D understood it better...she is much braver and we told her that it is Hari Raya and she need to "salam" her elders. So she did with her version of the "Selamat Awi Raye" song...hehehehhe.

I reflected of how the year went and I believe that I too have grown a little over the year.  I have learned to be a lot more patient. It is tough not to be when you have a daughter in the terrible 2 stage. Sometimes you can't help but to expel some anger and frustration at life's challenges but overcoming them proves to be rewarding and worth the fight.  I came out of those challenges believing that you are tested for a reason...and you are tested by the Almighty cause He believes that you can overcome them and gain something from a situation. Alhamdulillah, I am so thankful for what He has showered us with.  He sure opened my eyes in the past year to a lot of insecurities and voids...He has allowed me to cross paths with acquaintances that confirms what I should grasp and hold on to in this journey...and believe me I do want to better myself so that I am able to be a good person, wife, mother, daughter and sister.

The Eid month also had me to witness if something was intended to be for a good cause, He will make it happen.  One of my dearest support system, tied the knot with a man that she knows would guide her righteously...I am so proud of her and her transformation.  I look up to her and I definitely want to be as guided as she is...Insya Allah. Wo, I am so happy for you and for what you are about to embark to in life.  I wish you every happiness and an abundance of love...

It was a good year...a year worth to be thankful for...sure, there are its dark episodes...but I am working hard at making that look up in the year to come...

***Perplexed***

A lot of things have been going on in the workplace lately . Everything is very unsettling. Not worrying just disturbing.I feel that things could have been more properly managed. I wished that things were more upfront and transparent instead of leaving employees collectively to assume and wondering where the direction of their career path would be. I am neither here nor there...I trudge through my everyday to the office now like a mindless robot not having a care for what the outcome would be. Well, maybe I do care a little in a "to defend our rights as employees" sense. It feels amiss in my opinion to haul people here and there and everywhere without warning. Some people are not well connected to the grapevine and some are inhabitants of that grapevine. But then again it is just a grapevine. Am I making sense?We were warned not to rely on the grapevine but yet without prior official warning and notice that grapevine seems to be doing its part well. Sometimes too well. Oh well chosen or not is not the issue...All I know at the end of the day, I still have my salary perpetually banked in. Deep in my heart, I think I know what my direction is and I know what is it that I really want to do...right now, I am just helping out the household. I hope Insya Allah, one day, one fine day, things would look up and I am able to leave this rat race and concentrate on nurturing my child and those to come in the future. Besides, family always comes first.....at least in my books.

***Welcome Ramadhan - Happy Fasting!***

Here's wishing a fruitful and blessed Ramadhan to all Muslims - family, loved ones and friends. This year I am anticipating a Ramadhan different from last year. Daanya was just 1 and not comparably active as she is now that she is 2. Last year, put Barney on and prop her in front of the TV, she is good to go. This year would definitely be different as she is more as I said active, talkative, DEMANDING!! Heck, she probably wants to "buka puasa" too...However it is, every year would definitely be something different and something worth remembering. I would see it too as a milestone to see where she is in her development...hehehhe...somehow this year, I am anxious for Ramadhan's arrival. Probably of what I have in mind in hopes of achieving. Hopefully I fulfill it as part of my KPI this year. InshaAllah.

***The End to What Is***

Well, Jon & Kate...what can I say...I used to love watching what they had to present. Their family I thought was so together. Thought that she had it all together. Watching them I thought, heck if they family with 2 sets of multiples could withstand obstacles so can we... but now, all dreams and hopes crushed. And those kids...I do turn in sometimes to their show when there is nothing else on. But in all honesty, I really do pity those kids especially the second set of multilples. Hope they work things out and possibly try not to over publicize their problems on tv...think of those kids...

***Raindrops on Roses...***

This particular song "My Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music kept playing in my head a lot lately. It is probably because I have had a lot of thinking of what have been. Those days growing up and those little little things that you savour and cherish. Now that I have a child of my own, I hope to be able to let her experience all the wonderful things that life is able to offer her and in turn cherish those little things growing up. I loved those carefree days when it rains in the morning while you are getting ready to go to school. I loved it when you were 7 or 8 and used to countdown to your birthday.I loved hanging with my childhood friends at our playground. I loved it when I could declare a lazy day and curl up with a good book. I miss having weekly Yong Tau Foo breakfast with just my parents and my brother (it was just the two of us way back then).Miss having to help my mum with preparing meals whenever she cooks. Miss having those home cooked kampung dishes that we used to prepare. Now, things are pretty much different. Started a family balancing that with other responsibilities basically takes a toll. Sometimes you get mentally exhausted from just thinking about it all. Raising a child certainly is never easy. Having to provide them with the same if not more tlc then when you were growing up is what we struggle with everyday. Now, rainy mornings just means traffic jam on your way to work. Plus, you have to worry about pandemics, education costs, costs of living etc But we do try our level best everyday and hopefully this is enough. I still want my Daanya to enjoy her "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" and I am at my happiest when I am in the company of the loves of my life, my hubby and little Daanya and that is my favourite little thing these days...

***The Man in the Mirror No More***

I remember I grew up to his pieces of work, art I would say. I was totally obsessed with him back then I was about 11/12 years old. From his "ABC" days to "Ben" to "Billie Jean" to "Beat It and "Thriller" to "Bad" to "Black or White" to "Heal the World" to "Rock With you". I was always in awe of his phenomenal dance moves in those video clips and had always questioned "How eh?" Even owned a VHS of his MoonWalker movie though to this day I never understood the storyline nevertheless the moves to that particular song Smooth Criminal was just out of this world. His songs to me were definitely catchy and the up-tempo ones certainly addictive.

My favorite tracks growing up were definitely "I just can't stop loving you"," one more chance", "human nature","the girl is mine"....yup the mellow ballads.

It totally caught me off guard when reports that morning on the way to work claimed that the King of Pop was gone. That particular morning was definitely a morning to remember. All stations that I know off, paid a tribute to the King by playing his songs. Boy, his songs sure brought back a lot of memories. Of course his demise struck a chord in me and too was sad with a tad bit of disappointment that he was no longer around. I think majority would just assume that he will be one of those living legends who would grow old and lead a long life (At least watch his children grow up).

The memorial held for him at the Staples Center in my opinion really celebrated his life though it was sombre. Of course with the tears of Brooke Shields, Usher, Jermaine Jackson my tears trailed after. After Paris's told the world that Michael was the best father one could ever imagined and that she loved him, i bawled like a broken tap. I felt her pain and can not imagine what she and her siblings are going through. The words of Rev. Al Sharpton was so true to the core; I want his three children to know: Wasn't nothing strange about your Daddy. It was strange what your Daddy had to deal with. But he dealt with it...He dealt with it anyway. He dealt with it for us.

I know people make passing comments, some good some negative. All I can say is, just like how my parents introduced me to P. Ramlee and his work, they also introduced me to Michael Jackson. Just as how I know by hard P. Ramlee's songs and I love them mind you, I also love the many songs of Michael Jackson, Elvis, The Carpenters, Engelbert Humperdinck, The Beatles and many more. Just as how my parents taught me to watch "Ibu Mertuaku"," Annakku Sazali", "3 Abdul", "Bujang Lapok", they also taught me to watch " Sound of Music", "Love Story", "Mary Poppins" , "To sir With Love" and many others. I will very likely do the same to my kids. Isn't the point is not to forget?Without the old where is the new? These legendaries has put a mark in the world. Though their work is artistic, they are still unforgettable and they carved a spot in history. Worth remembering don't you think?

I lived when Michael died. I saw the unforgettable memorial and cried, mourned with the rest of the world. A piece that I can keep when my children and theirs asks "Who is Michael Jackson?" or "Who is P. Ramlee?"

Daanya loves Beat It and Black or White, she hits her drums the concert performance of Beat It. Loves Michael's dance moves. And answers "Michael Jackson dead already" when asked "What happened to Michael Jackson?" At least she knows that these are influences of her parent's lives growing up.

Goodbye Michael! You are definitely a king to me regardless of all your tribulations. RIP (July 2009)

***Out of the Dark***

I have been so uninspired lately. I would visit this blog everyday in hopes that there would be something to impart with the rest of the world...but no..to no avail. Writers' block...I do not think that it is..just purely uninspired. There is always this urge in my heart to say and post something. I have alot of cooped up emotions lately but was never in the mood to talk about them and sometimes felt they were insignificant.Today, I felt like there is a need to break the silence even if it means that this post will end up going in loops...hehehe..I am just going to ramble without a direction here so bear with me now....

Work has been a downward spiral off late. I am just fed up with self-centred people who play the caste card. Gone are the days where you can just trust and depend on others. These days one would rather wash his hands clean and rather not be held accountable even though it is clearly his fault. No one helps and assists each other anymore. These days a leader does not offer his 2 cents to a solution anymore, they just leave you be to solve the problem on your own hoping that fingers will point at you instead. It is in these situations that all true colours would be revealed. You have those double faced twits roaming around demanding your time, effort and energy, and when you do put in your best efforts and right foot forward, they end up taking all the credits. All utter bull, I tell ya! And then you have those people who have their noses so high up in the clouds that they forgot their roots and beginnings till they just "forget" to be humble and sincere....And then you have those who are so charming but in actual fact they stab you in the back and have their own agenda at the top of their list. I've about had it with all this. I have practically given up and wished that my life would take a detour into a reality where I am at home and the only pressure would be to keep to the household schedule and manning my child. Though it is a different kind of pressure all together but as long as I know the person I am to please is yours truly. I know at the end of a typical day, I would have a clean house, prepare meals for my family, my daughter right under my nose and some days attend fitness classes or religious sermons or cooking classes or facials whatever...ahhh what a life!!

Though I feel strongly that the working life is never for me, to contradict myself, I am indeed grateful for the opportunity presented before me. I know that I should be grateful for the rezeki (livelihood) but you sometimes cannot help wishing, hoping and praying for things to turn out the way you'd always hope for - the way you imagine your life should be.

On the home life perspective, things too have been driven into a diversion. What we planned...well did not go according to plans. The anticipation of new beginnings that should take place this year and one that we should pay close attention to have been progressing rather slowly almost to a standstill. Now that it has reached mid 2009, I would say that that "KPI" may not materialize...to my disappointment that is. I would say that it is difficult when you know that you are on your own track to achieve certain goals within a so-n-so stage in your life and to achieve those objectives sometimes would require you to take certain other additional steps and sometimes demand for you to achieve certain pre-requisite targets, tangibles and deliverables. Of course to something you plan, you can only plan and of course a plan is not a plan if it does not come with its own sets of hindrances and obstructions. If only I can be convincing enough to let it be known that I am ready for the next stage but I have also set the condition that I cannot bring this family to the next level without us materializing this specific "KPI". I am a Capricorn and being a control freak comes with that territory. I do set targets for me to achieve and so far in my years of living, they have been somewhat 90% achieved and on track. I hope my other half understands (though I feel that he should understand me after 13 years!)How big of a deal this is to me and though he may not know it (or maybe he does, but does not want to say anything), I do have a list each year!!!
So basically, lately I have had a dark cloud hovering over me. With my Gran's passing + all of the above, I have not been lively I would say. I have been down and out. Cannot help but wish for things to look up. Sometimes even wondering why was this path chosen for me. I noticed that lately the patterns of my posts have presented me in a grumpy and dark way but how can you help the turn of events right?

The only bright side is my Daanya Ayeesha and what a little matured young lady she has turned into. She is filled with so much emotion and can turn them on and off as she pleases. She gets teary eyed when Pinocchio hurt himself when trying to save Gepetto, she gets upset when The Witch got to Princess Aurora and managed to cast the Princess to sleep, she was sad when Eve went into idle mode when Wall-e gave her that plant, she gets angry when daddy annoys and irritates her. The plus side also is that Daddy and Mummy get to rekindle our childhood with the cartoon movies she is watching now...but cannot take it when she requests for the movie for 79th time in a day....huwaaaaaaa....but luckily we have a reasonable young lady on our watch, just tell her that mummy and daddy wants to watch our movies/shows first ok, and then you watch yours (in hopes that she would forget la...) but noooo she remembers and once the credits are out she would instantly demand "Watch Daanya's movie now k k?" huhu. She sure does remember a promise...take after her mummy eh? hehhehehe...

Oh well...till the next grumpy post or shall I maintain G*eorge Michael's "D*on't Let the S*un shine Down on Me" as my mantra hoping for a change in aura and perhaps karma??

***Forever missed***

My paternal Grandpa passed on last 23 April 2009. He went just 1 month shy of his 80th birthday. This has been an exceptionally hard piece to write on. It all happened too fast. One minute Hazmy and I were having dinner, a phone call intercepted our conversation, it was my sister telling me that Gran has fallen, unconcious but still breathing. I panicked and packed what was left of our food. Rushed to Gran's only to find him lying there lifeless. We only had to wait the doctor's confirmation. It was tough to see him healthy at one point and with just a blink of an eye, he was gone. I was wailing and regretted not being able to see him probably 10-15 minutes earlier before he went. Just to ask for forgiveness or maybe to recite the "Syahadah"for him..something!

Back before when Daanya was younger (5-6months), both my grandparents would come by to play with her...Gran especially enjoys teaching the "tepuk amai amai" and Daanya would equally reciprocate by clapping her hands together...later on when she learnt to speak she would sing together with him. Progressing on, when my Granny's knees hurt too much that she can't drive anymore, my parents would take Daanya to visit them (they live 5 minutes away). Later on, with both Grans were constantly attacked with fever or flu, my parents try not to bring Daanya over just so that she won't contract them...A week earlier before the passing, it was after dinner as I recalled, Daanya was in the car and she had recited her "tepuk amai amai". Mind you this was after a loooonnnggg time since Gran recited to her...Hazmy and I was at awe that she actually remembered...but Allah knows best...Exactly one week since that, Gran passed on.

There are so many fond memories of Gran but it is still too difficult to write about it here...All I can say is he was a man that take all of God's tests in his stride and marched through his life making the best of what he has. He had children that he was so proud of though maybe he does not say it in so many words. He definitely loved his grandchildren and great grandchildren. He saw the burial of his eldest daughter when she lost her battle with cancer almost 10 years ago. He was a man so simple that never demands for the impossible.

At the day of his burial, Daanya asked what happened to Tok Yang? I had to let her know that Tok Yang went to heaven. Occassionally, she would just say Tok Yang go heaven. I take it that she remembers him still presently. I wonder if she'll remember him years from now. That is why hard as it is, I felt that this had to be written in Gran's rememberance for her if she reads this blog in the future.

Gran, I write this with tears in my eyes cause I was heartbroken when you went away. I am still in so much pain. I felt that I did not get enough of you and your presence during the time that you were still around. It wasn't enough. I needed more. I missed the time when you used to tell us stories of how you worked during oppression, how you put your children through school till they become what they are today, how you used to tell us how you walked to work cause you never knew how to drive, how you used to tell me my dad washed his own clothes and did household chores cause Granny was so strict....I MISS ALL THAT!!! TAK PUAS!!!

***It's back!!!***

At the beginning of this year, we decided to do up Her Royal Highness' aka Daanya's room...just so that she would have her own space where she can play and feel comfortable in. We had her 3-in-1 cot to toddler bed moved into her room from ours due to this. We thought since she is co-sleeping with us anyway, there is no point having her bed in our room, so in her room it stayed...until yesterday, when I decided that she needs to learn to sleep in her own bed. She initially fell asleep on our bed and later on we carried her onto her own. Boy, it felt great to have the bed to ourselves for a change...Most of all it felt good to actually sleep next to hubby after a looooooong while of having Her Royal Highness in between us and conquering all the space. I almost forgot what it feels like to cozy up next to hubby...***sigh*** and dozing off felt more comfortable and easier too...until, at 2am I heard her voice calling "mummy,mummy" having her hand on my cheeks trying to wake me up...opened my eyes and saw her sitting next to me and saw that I had opened my eyes she said "I want to sleep mummy" as in "I want to sleep next to you mummy" then I said ok come sleep next to mummy and doze off she went...30 minutes later, I transfered her again on her bed and off to sleep I went...then at 5am she did it again...her hand on my cheek trying to wake me up...ok, I said sleep next to mummy...and there she slept comfortably till morning...Come morning she woke up cheery and happy like as though she slept through like a log...while mummy the exact opposite...hmmmpphhhh...

But, we will try at it again tonight and probably days to come and see to it that this sleeping arrangement works...however I anticipate that this will be a tiring process...and a sleepy one at that!!!But we are determined to re-claim our reign...huwaaaa....

***Sit back, Relax & Enjoy the finer things in life***

Everything has been moving in a very fast pace. In a blink of an eye everything just altered right before your very eyes. One day you are so used to the norm and suddenly it came as a shocker what has transpired. Some accept the change with an open heart and mindset and some played it out as though the road ahead would be bleak and would eventually reach its dead end. Some laughed and some cried. Some fled from the scene could not be bothered and some people like me get to sit back and observe. With all that has been going on, I thank my lucky stars and am grateful with all life has to offer in my personal life and also in my career. Ever since Daanya, my priorities started to change. My perspective to what I want out of life has differed since premarital standing. Ever since Daanya, I have pledged that she and my other children to come deserves the best that we can give including our attention. Due to that, career high has not been what I was after. I am grateful for the opportunity given to me to date. I was just reassured the other day during a meeting with my superior that I am still needed as charge de projects where I am currently and that he needs people that he can trust and are responsible. As long as the yearly pay hikes can always be expected and bonuses, I am good to go. What is important is that my aim has always been to be there for my children and seeing to their welfare. I grew up with both my parents chasing after being the best at what they do career wise but at that time it was totally understandable. We were fortunate to get the best of everything due to that. We were comfortable yes, but it tore me to pieces that my parents were not around all the time...My dad did alot of travelling and managing his personnels back then, and mum was and still is the key person crunching numbers for her organization. This is partly why I never saw chasing after a career as one of my top priority. I just want to be with my family and that is my goal...you know as I quote a colleague who had said this before to me "whatever happens in the office I don't care, I still have my family, my children and the life out there. The world does not stop just because things are a havoc in the office". I take that in Mr. S and reflected "how true!" Eversince that, actually eversince before that (2 years ago, when Daanya was born actually, the moment she was laid on my body and I instantly fell in love with her and have been addicted to her eversince), this year I have finally made a resolution (check out my 2009 new year's post) to transform my life. To go ahead and do things I only thought or imagined of doing before this and thought that a baby or children was a hindrance to that. This year so far, I have begun to take a breather and concentrate on me and my family. So far all of the projects towards that are well on the way...and to GOD I pray that it would all be smooth sailing, Insya Allah. I have been so happy and content with this process of transformation under my wings so far that I cannot wait for the outcome. Personal and family KPIs for the 1st quarter are right on target!!! YAHOOoooo! So here I sit, set out to enjoy the finer things in life and making that my life goal, while things are revolving around in the office and in the world day to day. Of course a promotion would be a bonus but until then I am content doing what I am doing and loving it ;)