***Liberty***

One more day before confinement ends.  This time around, I had vowed to go through the traditional Malay "pantang" in full force.  And that I did.  Though the results are rather satisfying and one must be equipped with the strongest of wills. 

For me recuperating is not the problem...I think the 2nd week in I was already strong enough, of course there were glitches here and there especially with the "urut urat" the first 10 days of my confinement.  The obstacle for me is getting used to Yaya's rhythm (I dcided to call her that!).  Yaya too probably went through a rough 30 days..well not probably, I confirm that she did go through a rough 30 days especially on day 30...

I think the problem was that there were too many distractions that probably caused me not to be able to get hold or get to know her better...of course 30 days is a tad bit too immature to be making any conclusions but at this 2nd last day, that I finally got the best advice and allow me to be able to take it all at a different light. A bit too late? I hope not...

With Dan Dan, I had ample time to get to know her, to know her rhythm and her patterns cause I pretty much had her to care for independently and there wasn't any distractions. I concentrated on her 100%.  The challenge with Yaya was adjustment.  I had to adjust with the fact that Dan Dan is 3 and it is the attention seeking age...I was too busy balancing everything.  Making sure Dan Dan gets the attention, making sure that Yaya's needs are met and at the same time meeting my needs too...I was distracted with making sure the routine is established and of course being a true Capricorn, that routine cannot be messed with else all else would fail.  And true enough, that was what happened...

Only towards the end of the confinement days that I realized that things would be much easier if I played it by ear...of course there were breakdowns...a lot of which in the shower where I cannot help but bawl my eyes out!!!(the only "me" time I could get!)  By this time there were too many negativities in me that I even thought of walking away...scolded myself for wanting this...at the same time blaming myself for being such a useless mother...

But at this 2nd last day, our paed gave me the best advice which I thought was 30 days late but nevertheless I'll take it in...He said, "...it is because you already have the fear in you after what had happened and now you tend to be over protective and over analyzing things...Yaya is an inquisitive baby! (showing us how Yaya is inspecting paed's consultation room.) Why put her to sleep when she doesn't want to? Let her observe her surroundings, let her take it in and she will let you know when she wants to sleep...why bother making sure that she burps after feeding just because our grans tell us to?If after 5 minutes nothing happens, I wouldn't worry about it...it will come out eventually...why worry if she doesn't poo everyday, even if it is every other day, her poop is not with diarrhea substance and there is no blood with the poop, and with a max of 3 days of not pooping, she is fine...as for her painful gas and the rash, I recommend I.s.o.m.i.l cause it is so obvious that she is lactose intolerant. Try it out, and you will find your life will be less agonizing..."

Best advice I ever got throughout this whole 44 days...From his advice I also concluded that I need to be less of a control freak and enjoy that my baby is here and that we all should enjoy her arrival.  If things don't work out, it is ok, take a breather and learn to take it all in and gain the experience from it.  Stop comparing Yaya to Dan Dan!!! The experience is not the same!!! 

This will remain as a mental note from henceforth...

Anyway, happy liberty to me!!!I survived 44 days of confinement...have not gotten to the weight i want yet but in due time, hopefully...Going out today even for my post natal check up was so liberating and I was able to release some stress - to be able to see the outside of my house was such a sight...It was breathtaking and definitely a stress reliever! Woo saaaaa....

***Realization***

My baby, Princess M turned 1 month last 16th July.  Turn of events that took place on that day will probably remain fresh in my mind till the end of time. And I mean that literally...

It was a day to rejoice that we lasted a month but instead things happened as God will them to be even though you planned it differently.  

It was a day I realized how much fear I have at the thought of losing my children.  It was also a day I realized how much love I have for my children..to a depth that I thought was impossible and I have never seen before. 

It was something I regret and I am really praying and hoping that I won't have to make up for it...if I do it will be something I have to commit to my entire life.

Maya, I truly apologize for the bad judgment call. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. I love you with all my heart and I will probably feel this regret my entire life. Like your sis you are my angel and I would sacrifice myself for only the best for you. Never a day that go by that I don't truly regret what happened.  People say it is normal and that I have nothing to worry about...but these things don't happen to me...so I totally blame myself...I love you my baby...with all my heart and soul...

***Parenthood***

I am a big fan of the show.  Even the adverts that promotes the show where the talents answer what parenthood means to them...

Ever since Maya came, my whole idea on parenting has somewhat changed.  We get away with thinking "Oh this one will not be any different than the first one!" I know now that each child you bring into the world is unique. Different in every sense of the word.  They have their own characteristics that makes you fall in love all over again...I think this is why each child is special.

I have always devoted that I will raise my children so that they will be exposed to what life could offer so that they can learn from their own experiences.  I never want to be a hovering mother, I still vow to never be one! Discipline is still very important and you still need to discipline your child when need be.

I knew and still remember well how I was brought up...my brother and I were brought up with the strictest of discipline, old school style I would say...my mother was the disciplinarian of my parents.  Everything we did wrong would have its repercussions. And being always curious, we would get ourselves into a whole lot of mess....and we always faced our music...mom was a bit liberal on the other two...probably because much of it is left to us older ones to overlook on their well being...the advisors...but I think now that we are all grown up, the disciplining worked!Not that I am a total angel...but I know my right from wrong because that guilty conscience will always be there to bug me...and I am so grateful to mom for turning me into this person I once never thought I could be.

But I have a different outlook for my kids.  I think it was because I came from such a strict upbringing that I don't want the same for my kids.  It is still important though for them to have that fear of you...I always note this to myself.  They need to fear you so that they will know who is boss. So that they will listen.  Princess D gets away murder as far as our parenting goes. Yeah, nothing to be proud of yet...she tests and tests and tests hoping that you will falter to her bellows. A person close to us said to me, you have to be cruel to be kind, and yes I believe in that as hard and difficult it may seem.

It's always trials and errors this parenting..there will be mistakes, there will be days where you make those mistakes and feel like a total jacka$$, there are days where you'll come out of it like the most incapable moron, then there will be triumphant days and you pat yourself on the back and assure yourself of a job well done...hubby and I have a looooong way to go and there are many obstacles to hurdle...it takes a gazillion sacrifices, it takes realizing the reality that there are no more rest days, no more lazy days...let's see how this goes second time around...*crossing finger*

***...and she is Maya Arissa***

Announcing the arrival of our latest addition to the family...Maya Arissa Bt. Hazmy Hazeman.  Our latest precious was born 16 June 2010, 10:03pm at 3.48kgs equivalent to 7.7 lbs.

Weeks to her arrival had been so anticipated and longed for by all. All members of the family that would love her straight off.  Hubs and I had done all necessary.  We moved into the new house very well on schedule so that we could all be comfortable and acclimatized to the new surrounding. All boxes were unpacked and all appliances installed just in the nick of time. I managed to have 2 weeks of total rest in anticipation of her arrival. All in all everything was in place.

That very Wednesday of the 16th, hubby and I went to our weekly appointment with Dr. S in SDMCSJ as scheduled.  That very morning my mucous plug had ruptured which was very alien to me really cause I did not experience any of the sort with Princess D.  Consulted my bestie and she said it is an early sign of labor which could span a day to a week. Ok i thought no need to panic...So at the Doc's clinic, explained to her what happened with the mucous plug and after her routine examination she said that I was already 3-4cm dilated. To my surprise...the same thing happened when I was preggers with D.  Dilated but no physical pain!  And the very advice I shudder to hear came..."Since everything is already in place and you are already dilated that much, we could wait one or two days before you actually are in labor or we could minus the wait and go in today..." suddenly, all the torture and pain from delivering D came back as a refresher...."Oh no, does that mean meds again doc?" and yes was her reply.I was hoping we'd never hear that word this time around. I wanted everything to be "au natural" and really experience the truly "normal" kind of delivery...I was a bit disappointed not that I couldn't wait but because we were given the choice...and I did not want to make that choice. Here in one hand, I really do want Maya to arrive though 5 days earlier...but on the other hand, like I said I wanted it to be "normal" in every essence of the word.  I couldn't make the decision so I left it to hubs.

Of course, he being him, told the doc, let's do it, why wait?? *sigh* Oh boy, here we go again, I thought. Doc told us to go home and prepare whatever necessary reminding me to have a big lunch and to head straight to the labor ward at 3pm.  Nervous definitely I was.  All the way home and back to the hospital I kept comforting myself that this was the right decision.That it was meant to be.

In we went at 3pm.  Kind nurses and caretakers of the labor ward immediately started with all necessary procedures.  Made me nervous even more as they were all too familiar...so fresh like it was just yesterday. The enema, the poking on my all so crooked veins, the rupture of the amniotic sac, the invasive intrusions into your *you-know-where*....all too familiar!!!

The whole time lying on that labor room bed I kept wondering whether this will be a 14 hour gig again. But all hail! Thank you to the Almighty...we went in at 3pm felt no pain from the meds until 7:30pm. Even text my mom and asked why am I feeling no pain 4 hours in...8pm while hubby was performing prayers I called in the nurse for the painkiller jab.  Jabbed me they did and readied the gas...apparently at the time I was only 6 cm dilated.  I remember that distinct moment...hubby came back and a series of pain came and gone...9:45pm, I was dilating at 7cm, too early to push I thought. Got annoyed when hubby asked "Yang, do you feel like you want to push?" I irritatedly said no, not yet...but a split second later told him to get the nurse cause I want to push...nurse came in and at an instant 7cm turned to 9cm over probably 2 minutes span. I was frantic cause I wanted to push really really bad but the nurse told me not to, not until the ever committed Dr. S came. I remember not being bothered by the nurses cause helloooooo the push is automatic!!!!!4 pushes and roughly 18 minutes later, she came...our little fighter...our little speedy gonzales (hehehe)...10.03pm and she graced us with her presence...lovely!!!Alhamdulillah...The Almighty had never left my side, hubby was so supportive, I couldn't have done it without them...and of course the Doc and the labor room staffs...

She is so lovely...she is such a gift...I saw the look that hubby gave her and it was a look full of pride...and I was instantaneously overjoyed.  Maya Arissa is the name we have chosen for her...a name that means Bright Princess. Such a precious gem she is.  Now, we have two wonderful princesses...life is going to be a lot tougher with a lot more challenges, but having the presence of our two daughters with each their own antics, challenges we'll face...how can life be a bore right??

***In Actuality***

I have been putting off having to write updates.  Not because I have absolutely nothing to write, I have gazillion things to say...but in actual fact I felt that time was just too limited with so many things going on in our lives right about now.  To a point that things are a tad bit too overwhelming to have ourselves go through....However, I have to take it all with a grain of salt focusing on the "bigger" picture!!  This is for the best of our little family and if it takes for mummy and daddy to be tired, exhausted and broke so be it!!

I am now in my 33rd week of pregnancy...just a stones' throw away before things become even more chaotic!!hehehe.  So much anxiety at this point. Not to a state of panic just yet but slowly getting there....I have to really begin getting her stuffs soon...or else she is going to come to world without her essentials and may spark some psychological effect there..hehe...lately I have been bogged with this inner feeling of insecurity whether I will be a good mummy this 2nd time around. Whether we will provide for her with the best just like we did her elder sister (who is still reigning queen, by the way, with no sign of stepping down!!!)and also whether we or at least I will be able to love her the same like the reigning queen...All these insecurity scares me a bit...or am I over-thinking things???Honestly, the feeling just popped out of no where and as the time draws nearer, the more insecure I get...which scares me a little well a lot....I do hope this is normal...definitely will try my best to fight all negativity and know that all has been written and this "rezeki" (livelihood) has its purpose, I am sure of it...I do know that I am and have been so blessed and while He tests those He knows capable, the past 33 weeks has come and gone with its fair of challenges and definitely with progress worth waiting for...

If you are unable to guess by now, yes, it will be a girl for us again this time!!!Yeay!!! I have pictured it in my head how D and baby sis would get along, how they will be best friends and share secrets together and be inseparable, just like those shows we see on TV...oh I am so praying hard that they'll be the best of friends!!! Queen D has been throwing tantrums lately and at the same time being very "manja" or rather clingy. Other than that what shocked us while observing her character day to day is that she suddenly develops this motherly/sisterly behavior.  You see, she has this baby doll that she never cared for before who is now her "baby"...she pampers the baby, makes pretend milk for the baby, pushes her baby in the miniature stroller, consoles the baby when it cries and etc...so cute witnessing this....i guess intrinsically she is somewhat preparing herself????That would be a way to look at the positive right??Better than ignoring it all together, I suppose...hehe. Let's see how this will fair at the end....

The new abode's renovation works is almost reaching its completion.I thought it would never end and we will never get to move in before the baby's arrival.Hubby wants to begin the whole moving process soonest possible as he has tonnes of work piling up and awaiting for him this month...so the sooner we move in the better he will get to coordinate his hours at the office.  So, I anticipate a whole lot to take place within this 2 weeks and knowing the urgency I cannot let my "control freak" nature take over....hubby seems to have it all in his head....my concentration at this point would be to focus on the pregnancy and baby's arrival...though I must say that I am almost freaking out about moving into a house with no curtains, or kitchen top and sinks and taps (the kitchen people will only install these a week after the cabinet has been installed) and the thought of possibly washing D's bottles in the toilet sink?????...arrghhhh!!! I just hope that things will go according to plan......huhu....

On the career front, things has been looking up quite a bit...the department head re-structured the department putting me under the supervision of a manager and I must say, things are so much more structured now...at least my manager has paved a direction for our unit and all is such bliss cause she is so professional and understanding...

Beyond that I have also been circulating my resume...so far the prospect is quite good and pregnancy is not a hindrance apparently to be called in for interviews...so I am praying hard for something to transpire out of this...something good and prospective.

To be continued....

***And She turned Fabulous 3**

"Alhamdulillah, Praise to Allah the Almighty for all the He has blessed us with!"  

Our precious little Royal Highness turned 3 last 23rd March 2010. Oh my! I won't even begin to express how fast time flies though it is very much cliche but it is a natural fact.  Time seems to fly by even faster when you have a kid it seems...

We celebrated with a small intimate get together of just family...and it was perfect.  I would never have it any other way... We went with the D.isn.ey P.rincess theme this year as Her Royal Highness has develop an avid interest for the characters and not forgetting the movies.  This year we decided to order a D.isn.ey P.rincess cake from S.ecret Re.cipe because of the disappointment of ordering through a blog from the year before.  Though the cake had a beautiful outlook, the cake was so dry and tasteless..oh well...you learn from your mistakes right???

I am so grateful to the Almighty for granting us this 3rd year with our precious princess.  She has brought so much light and happiness in our lives and am so appreciative that she is and will always be my first born.  I am truly proud of her and her developments. Truly proud of her maturity and how she lights up my everyday with her antics.  Dan Dan, mummy loves you with all my heart and soul...and I can never imagine living my life without you in it.  Continue to make mummy and daddy proud and hope that in turn we too have made you proud.

***Wishing on the star***

This is actually a wish list post of the things I wish to have for this baby 2nd time around.  I am now closing in on the 28th week of pregnancy and somewhat excited on the arrival of our new addition to the family.***grin***

So here are some of the items on my wish list which is non-exhaustive that's for sure!!

I want I want I want!!!

***Life's Purpose***

I was off from work yesterday. Being pregnant gets the doc's empathy everytime...So, like all the other days when I am unwell, I decided to declare the day a lazy day...catch with the idiot box and old movies...

After hubby left for work, I began my conquest of a lazy day...and it started with an episode of Oprah...it was an episode where Ms. Oprah and her guest Marianne Williamson talked about and explored the miracle of midlife.  Though I may be no where near, but the topic sparked my interest and somehow intrigued me. It made me realize the many things about myself that I have yet to explore and at the same time made me ask myself alot of questions that somehow I just did not have any answer for....

You see, I have been in a rut of a situation...career wise...where do I begin?? In all honesty...I seriously do not know what my forte is...people at work including my superiors say I am excellent at communicating and that I do it very well...they also told my that my excellence also reside in my desk work outputs...in my recent appraisal, my superior told me that I produce excellent paperwork and that I have never failed him when all that he needed from my unit were all at my fingertips. Though I am thankful that I have that, but it does not satisfy me cause with guilt, every time someone praises me exactly that, I have no feeling of content nor satisfaction not at the slightest bit. Not because I want to be better but because I don't find love or passion in what I do...I am half type A and naturally whatever I do, I want to do the best and a poor outcome out of my endeavors are never accepted.  This ironically was also how I was trained as I was growing up.So yes, I find no passion in my work and tasks in the office, no satisfaction, never complacent about what I do...to me it is just a job that would pay the bills.Bottom line, it is very text book - I have to work, I have to have a job cause I have bills to pay and a family to help support.

This has somehow over the years, caused my to be very depressed when it comes to matters of career.  I do observe friends of mine who has found passion in what they do and I so long for something or rather a career that I can be passionate about and proud of. A career rather than a job!

So, watching this particular episode of Oprah has made realize how they urge their audience to find their life's purpose...In this episode there were a lot of testimonials of women who were inspired and had career changes at 40 or 50...some left their corporate career of 6 figured incomes to open a flower business and some of course were still in search...the key was to search for your life's purpose...to begin the search and never say it is too late cause it is never too late...I want to do that! I want to search for what my purpose is...I know I cannot stay in this rut forever and let it be mundane eventually...I can't go on the remainder of my young life not trying...I am a super fighter and used to be an achiever...what happened to me?

Of course, the opportunities that lies out there never helps...it is a dog eat dog world and also a who you know world...why is it that nobody wants to give you a chance to learn? and the opportunity to be good at what you do though you might be a newbie and let you grow from that? This whole career issue has always been my 100 tonnes burden...and I always end up at a dead end...and at that dead end, I always resort to "As long as I get my check at the end of the month!"  or "I am lucky to even have a job and to be where I am" so I end up giving up and taught myself to be complacent. Just typing that makes me feel depressed....

But you see,I never used to be that way...I used to go after what I want...it makes me feel even worse that I do not what am I supposed to be doing????????This question seems to make a comeback every time!!! Aside from work, I love being at home with my family...I love playing my daughter, I love taking care of things at home...I love making sure that our priorities as a family are always in tact...I love being a part of the decision making for the best of my family...I find much content in domestic issues of the household knowing that all this has its purpose...where as at work, I am not after anything...just do my job like what is expected of me and to please people depending on what I do and what I produce.........

So, how do I begin finding this life's purpose when I do not know where to begin...I do not know what am I good at? Dropping everything and starting fresh is not an option...though I credit an advice from the loving Nurul to do so...She said "Kak, all will fall into place,He will guide you" though I am tempted to do so, I just can't...

This is what I know so far...yes, I am good with communicating with people..I always make sure that my desk work outputs are immaculate, I always have this creative spark in me that somehow I want to unleash but I don't know what exactly those talents are cause I dabble a lot...I also have this urge to be free and not be confined...

I just need to work on it more...but I know that things must change and to think about "me" for a change...THINGS MUST CHANGE!! for me to be a whole and complete...

***O' wishlist!!!***

Since January began, we have been cracking our heads thinking of layout designs and decor for the new house.  It is tougher this time around cause we finally found an empty house and finally able to put our own touches onto the house.  Unlike this present one that we purchased where everything had been there we only needed to move in with a couple of essentials, our clothes and ourselves!!hehe.  We purchased this present house thinking that it was perfect since we got it when we got engaged and at that point in time it was a worthy purchase considering we were just starting out in life.  Now almost 5 years into our lives together with a 3 year old toddler in tow and one in the oven, we thought it was perfect timing to look further into the future.

The new purchase right now is like a blank canvas. I have all these ideas and I very much wish that I can have the best of everything!!!Eversince the purchase, I have been collecting all sorts of inspirations with so much hope and anticipation that I am able to imprint them into our new house.  Let me share with you some of those ideas and hopefully with my fingers crossed we are able to somehow have some sort of the same...

***Al-Fatihah - Rest in Peace Wan ( 02.06.1930 - 22.01.2010)***

My paternal grandma passed away last Friday (22.01.2010).It was indeed sad as I never got to say goodbye. Though her passing was very much predicted, we never thought it would be this soon.  My grandpa passed on last April and since grandma has somehow lost her will to live.  She did admit to being so lonely and misses grandpa dearly.  I always find it  difficult to express my feelings when it comes to dealing with pains and sorrows of these kind. I did try to be a little stronger this time compared to the passing of my grandpa. I felt more sorrow wondering what is going through my dad's mind.  It somehow hurt me more to see and know that my dad is also hurting while trying to be very strong like the eldest son that he is. 

My grandma has always been a loving grandma especially to her grandchildren and their children. Grandma has always wanted to be closer to Daanya but at this toddler age, Daanya's attention span spans all over the place, so to speak. My grandma is the independent old timer who drives to where she wants to go. A stick-shift too at that. I have friends of mine giving the salute awestruck at my grandma's ability to drive her Honda Civic here and there.  She was the kind of grandma that would instead come to visit you just to see her great-grandchild instead of you visiting her.  She was the kind that made sure you ate and drink plenty when you visit her even though you stuffed your face solid before coming to see her.

I still remember way back then when we siblings used to anticipate going back to JB for Eid, before things started to change.  She and grandpa lived in the spacious corner lot with a gigantic space of a garden, large enough for her to grow 6-8 rambutan trees. My my. Every Eid, our staple Eid menu would be cooked right on that very garden, with coal, firewood and real fire the works!Eid was so much fun back then. I also remember how that house was situated right in front of a railway track and we (cousins and siblings) would run all the way to the kitchen every time a train would pass by.  Oh so heavenly, the sound of those trains as loud and annoying as they were.

Then when they moved to a new place, things were a bit different.  I was growing into a teenager then and more often the drive back was more of a drag and once there I always counted to days to head back to KL.  Adolescence! Then when we lost our eldest uncle and aunty (Pak long and Mak long), things somehow were completely different.  Felt like things were more torn apart and not just at the seams.Then when dad decided to move both grans to KL and 5 mins away from mom and dad's...things are now unrecognizable. We don't gather as often anymore. Dad and his siblings took turns taking care of both of them so that meant that we see each other less.

I am still proud that my little Daanya had her fair share with her great grandparents. It is pretty obvious that she will not remember their existence in years to come but I hope (in the events that she reads this blog)she knows that she has somehow touched their lives and had loved playing with her when she was little.  I hope that she knows that they had always came to see her whenever they missed her and her antics.

It is now to focus on the present and move on...and hoping to rely on  the fond memories of the past with much hope that these will build you and make you stronger!!!Al-Fatihah!!

***Tata 2009, Bienvenue 2010! ***

It was a year just like any other years prior....funny how I always manage to post on this blog at the entry of every new year with much resolution that I will not neglect the blog but will always fail to do so!Can't say that I did not try though...it is just tougher now to be inspired and get into the mood of writing when we spent the entire year being slapped with the "terrible 2" phase!! Yup, 2009 we have officially been smacked and accepted membership into the new reality of temper-tantrums-at-a-new-height, a loud, wild, chatty and highly imaginative domain that belongs to a 2 year old Daanya Ayeesha.  We with much hesitant welcomed embarrassing meltdowns in public, a screaming toddler demanding her fair (rather unfair) share of attention, constant mood swings which always is in the red alert boiling mode,it's my-way-or-the-highway attitude. Due to that, time-outs are more frequent and mummy and daddy melt downs occurred once or twice (ceh, what an understatement!).Oh well...guess we will just have to wait till this phase wears itself out...will it? *cross fingers* They say that 3 is the new 2...huwaaaa I am terrified of what is to come when that comes...she turns 3 in 2 months and the phase doesn't look like it is going away anytime soon!!!

It hasn't all been negative though..."her majesty" does have some antics that put smiles on our faces and made us proud too...her vocabulary is much more stronger now so she makes sure she utilizes them...she gets away with "I don't trust daddy" or "daddy protect Daanya Eesha" or "mummy kiss Daanya and I become frog and then mummy kiss Daanya again then I can say I'm back!!!" those moments really makes you feel that you have done something right!!!She is much struggling to find her own independence now very much to our dismay...guess we should learn to let go sometimes...at 2 she would prefer to wash and clean herself in the shower (she just upgraded herself to mummy and daddy's toilet privileges).

The coming months in 2010 will also see us hopefully moving into our newly acquired home. Alhamdulillah with God's will we were able to purchase a new home and as if the timing could not be any better, after the purchase we found out of the pregnancy. Rezeki anak! hehe...honestly we will be paying through our noses for this purchase but with the baby coming the extra space would do us wonders and we bought this house in anticipation for the future...in hopes that we do not see ourselves upgrading anymore anytime soon...the house is meant for the kids (how ever many we will end up having) and we have to take account their future and the prospects of this house serving them in the future....hence, the purchase!And also as if the timing could be better, we managed to sell our current house just in the nick of time!I am so thankful that I cannot ask for better!The Almighty has made everything so smooth sailing so far and the timing of all events is so perfect...Alhamdulillah!

2009 witnessed me walking gracefully (hopefully!) into the 3 series.Older and wiser, I do pray...I cannot ask for more being 30 and have a lovely husband and daughter with one on the way and all that we have achieved...perfect! cannot be better!!But I do always pray that I would always be under His watch and wish for the best for everybody in the family!

So there!A lot of anticipation to look forward to in 2010.  I resolved before that the years I do get pregnant my resolution that year would be just to focus on being healthy and focusing on the arrivalaside from working on the new house and decorating...you know, making it a home and nesting!hehehe...so welcome 2010, I am looking forward to what you can present to us! and once after the arrival to concentrate on balancing it all...so that will be the main focus for the year 2010...

***On Cloud 9***

It is a rainy evening. I am here in the office supposedly to attempt unresolved work and tasks.My mp3 player running songs of yesterdays made my attention wander.I love rainy days...wishing that instantly I could have a portal that would tele-port me straight home and onto my bed where I imagine laying down and watching my favorite romantic comedies.I know what wishful thinking that could be.  Instead I look back and reflect on how things in my life has turned out in the past months.  The direction of my life has somehow looked up and I realized how lucky and fortunate I actually am. I have family and dear dear friends who cares a lot about my well being and are always there when I need them and hope that I too have been equally reciprocal. I have a beautiful daughter and such a loving husband. Only these matter right now.  I have these all in tact and I am so thankful.

Lately, we have been so blessed. Things that we plan for the year has so far turned out with positive outcomes.  I am elated with what promises us in the year to come due to all that is achieved this year.  Hopefully next year we are able to celebrate our triumph as opposed to all the patience and refrains we had to put ourselves through this year. 

Of course there are still unresolved issues but those dark patches I really don't want to bother myself with right now as for me being happy in my private personal life is much more worth. Worth all the happiness in the world. Life does go on indeed but if you have such wonderful family and friends paired with all their support and love those dark patches are certainly bearable.  I just need to look at things from a different perspective and find the positive.  I sound like a self-help book...let's just see how this streak of delight would last...but so far so good.***Crossing fingers***

***Eid Mubarak 1430 Hijrah***

I wish you ALL a very happy and peaceful Eid. May Allah accept your good deeds, forgive your transgressions and ease the suffering of all peoples around the globe.

This year I was very much anticipating the celebrations  primarily because Hazmy was away (duty calls!) majority of the Ramadhan month and was back 2 days before Eid.  Ramadhan for me this year was pretty much independent...i liked it that I was able to juggle the household independently but having him around always completed my day. I always had someone to talk to and to basically vent to about how my day went.  Though the little princess and I missed him alot while he was away, I figured that I'd better think positively and instead of focusing on him being away, I took it as quality time with little D.

So, Alhamdulillah everything went smoothly. Eid came and we went about our usual routine...This year somehow felt a bit more meaningful cause D understood it better...she is much braver and we told her that it is Hari Raya and she need to "salam" her elders. So she did with her version of the "Selamat Awi Raye" song...hehehehhe.

I reflected of how the year went and I believe that I too have grown a little over the year.  I have learned to be a lot more patient. It is tough not to be when you have a daughter in the terrible 2 stage. Sometimes you can't help but to expel some anger and frustration at life's challenges but overcoming them proves to be rewarding and worth the fight.  I came out of those challenges believing that you are tested for a reason...and you are tested by the Almighty cause He believes that you can overcome them and gain something from a situation. Alhamdulillah, I am so thankful for what He has showered us with.  He sure opened my eyes in the past year to a lot of insecurities and voids...He has allowed me to cross paths with acquaintances that confirms what I should grasp and hold on to in this journey...and believe me I do want to better myself so that I am able to be a good person, wife, mother, daughter and sister.

The Eid month also had me to witness if something was intended to be for a good cause, He will make it happen.  One of my dearest support system, tied the knot with a man that she knows would guide her righteously...I am so proud of her and her transformation.  I look up to her and I definitely want to be as guided as she is...Insya Allah. Wo, I am so happy for you and for what you are about to embark to in life.  I wish you every happiness and an abundance of love...

It was a good year...a year worth to be thankful for...sure, there are its dark episodes...but I am working hard at making that look up in the year to come...

***Perplexed***

A lot of things have been going on in the workplace lately . Everything is very unsettling. Not worrying just disturbing.I feel that things could have been more properly managed. I wished that things were more upfront and transparent instead of leaving employees collectively to assume and wondering where the direction of their career path would be. I am neither here nor there...I trudge through my everyday to the office now like a mindless robot not having a care for what the outcome would be. Well, maybe I do care a little in a "to defend our rights as employees" sense. It feels amiss in my opinion to haul people here and there and everywhere without warning. Some people are not well connected to the grapevine and some are inhabitants of that grapevine. But then again it is just a grapevine. Am I making sense?We were warned not to rely on the grapevine but yet without prior official warning and notice that grapevine seems to be doing its part well. Sometimes too well. Oh well chosen or not is not the issue...All I know at the end of the day, I still have my salary perpetually banked in. Deep in my heart, I think I know what my direction is and I know what is it that I really want to do...right now, I am just helping out the household. I hope Insya Allah, one day, one fine day, things would look up and I am able to leave this rat race and concentrate on nurturing my child and those to come in the future. Besides, family always comes first.....at least in my books.

***Welcome Ramadhan - Happy Fasting!***

Here's wishing a fruitful and blessed Ramadhan to all Muslims - family, loved ones and friends. This year I am anticipating a Ramadhan different from last year. Daanya was just 1 and not comparably active as she is now that she is 2. Last year, put Barney on and prop her in front of the TV, she is good to go. This year would definitely be different as she is more as I said active, talkative, DEMANDING!! Heck, she probably wants to "buka puasa" too...However it is, every year would definitely be something different and something worth remembering. I would see it too as a milestone to see where she is in her development...hehehhe...somehow this year, I am anxious for Ramadhan's arrival. Probably of what I have in mind in hopes of achieving. Hopefully I fulfill it as part of my KPI this year. InshaAllah.

***The End to What Is***

Well, Jon & Kate...what can I say...I used to love watching what they had to present. Their family I thought was so together. Thought that she had it all together. Watching them I thought, heck if they family with 2 sets of multiples could withstand obstacles so can we... but now, all dreams and hopes crushed. And those kids...I do turn in sometimes to their show when there is nothing else on. But in all honesty, I really do pity those kids especially the second set of multilples. Hope they work things out and possibly try not to over publicize their problems on tv...think of those kids...

***Raindrops on Roses...***

This particular song "My Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music kept playing in my head a lot lately. It is probably because I have had a lot of thinking of what have been. Those days growing up and those little little things that you savour and cherish. Now that I have a child of my own, I hope to be able to let her experience all the wonderful things that life is able to offer her and in turn cherish those little things growing up. I loved those carefree days when it rains in the morning while you are getting ready to go to school. I loved it when you were 7 or 8 and used to countdown to your birthday.I loved hanging with my childhood friends at our playground. I loved it when I could declare a lazy day and curl up with a good book. I miss having weekly Yong Tau Foo breakfast with just my parents and my brother (it was just the two of us way back then).Miss having to help my mum with preparing meals whenever she cooks. Miss having those home cooked kampung dishes that we used to prepare. Now, things are pretty much different. Started a family balancing that with other responsibilities basically takes a toll. Sometimes you get mentally exhausted from just thinking about it all. Raising a child certainly is never easy. Having to provide them with the same if not more tlc then when you were growing up is what we struggle with everyday. Now, rainy mornings just means traffic jam on your way to work. Plus, you have to worry about pandemics, education costs, costs of living etc But we do try our level best everyday and hopefully this is enough. I still want my Daanya to enjoy her "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" and I am at my happiest when I am in the company of the loves of my life, my hubby and little Daanya and that is my favourite little thing these days...

***The Man in the Mirror No More***

I remember I grew up to his pieces of work, art I would say. I was totally obsessed with him back then I was about 11/12 years old. From his "ABC" days to "Ben" to "Billie Jean" to "Beat It and "Thriller" to "Bad" to "Black or White" to "Heal the World" to "Rock With you". I was always in awe of his phenomenal dance moves in those video clips and had always questioned "How eh?" Even owned a VHS of his MoonWalker movie though to this day I never understood the storyline nevertheless the moves to that particular song Smooth Criminal was just out of this world. His songs to me were definitely catchy and the up-tempo ones certainly addictive.

My favorite tracks growing up were definitely "I just can't stop loving you"," one more chance", "human nature","the girl is mine"....yup the mellow ballads.

It totally caught me off guard when reports that morning on the way to work claimed that the King of Pop was gone. That particular morning was definitely a morning to remember. All stations that I know off, paid a tribute to the King by playing his songs. Boy, his songs sure brought back a lot of memories. Of course his demise struck a chord in me and too was sad with a tad bit of disappointment that he was no longer around. I think majority would just assume that he will be one of those living legends who would grow old and lead a long life (At least watch his children grow up).

The memorial held for him at the Staples Center in my opinion really celebrated his life though it was sombre. Of course with the tears of Brooke Shields, Usher, Jermaine Jackson my tears trailed after. After Paris's told the world that Michael was the best father one could ever imagined and that she loved him, i bawled like a broken tap. I felt her pain and can not imagine what she and her siblings are going through. The words of Rev. Al Sharpton was so true to the core; I want his three children to know: Wasn't nothing strange about your Daddy. It was strange what your Daddy had to deal with. But he dealt with it...He dealt with it anyway. He dealt with it for us.

I know people make passing comments, some good some negative. All I can say is, just like how my parents introduced me to P. Ramlee and his work, they also introduced me to Michael Jackson. Just as how I know by hard P. Ramlee's songs and I love them mind you, I also love the many songs of Michael Jackson, Elvis, The Carpenters, Engelbert Humperdinck, The Beatles and many more. Just as how my parents taught me to watch "Ibu Mertuaku"," Annakku Sazali", "3 Abdul", "Bujang Lapok", they also taught me to watch " Sound of Music", "Love Story", "Mary Poppins" , "To sir With Love" and many others. I will very likely do the same to my kids. Isn't the point is not to forget?Without the old where is the new? These legendaries has put a mark in the world. Though their work is artistic, they are still unforgettable and they carved a spot in history. Worth remembering don't you think?

I lived when Michael died. I saw the unforgettable memorial and cried, mourned with the rest of the world. A piece that I can keep when my children and theirs asks "Who is Michael Jackson?" or "Who is P. Ramlee?"

Daanya loves Beat It and Black or White, she hits her drums the concert performance of Beat It. Loves Michael's dance moves. And answers "Michael Jackson dead already" when asked "What happened to Michael Jackson?" At least she knows that these are influences of her parent's lives growing up.

Goodbye Michael! You are definitely a king to me regardless of all your tribulations. RIP (July 2009)

***Out of the Dark***

I have been so uninspired lately. I would visit this blog everyday in hopes that there would be something to impart with the rest of the world...but no..to no avail. Writers' block...I do not think that it is..just purely uninspired. There is always this urge in my heart to say and post something. I have alot of cooped up emotions lately but was never in the mood to talk about them and sometimes felt they were insignificant.Today, I felt like there is a need to break the silence even if it means that this post will end up going in loops...hehehe..I am just going to ramble without a direction here so bear with me now....

Work has been a downward spiral off late. I am just fed up with self-centred people who play the caste card. Gone are the days where you can just trust and depend on others. These days one would rather wash his hands clean and rather not be held accountable even though it is clearly his fault. No one helps and assists each other anymore. These days a leader does not offer his 2 cents to a solution anymore, they just leave you be to solve the problem on your own hoping that fingers will point at you instead. It is in these situations that all true colours would be revealed. You have those double faced twits roaming around demanding your time, effort and energy, and when you do put in your best efforts and right foot forward, they end up taking all the credits. All utter bull, I tell ya! And then you have those people who have their noses so high up in the clouds that they forgot their roots and beginnings till they just "forget" to be humble and sincere....And then you have those who are so charming but in actual fact they stab you in the back and have their own agenda at the top of their list. I've about had it with all this. I have practically given up and wished that my life would take a detour into a reality where I am at home and the only pressure would be to keep to the household schedule and manning my child. Though it is a different kind of pressure all together but as long as I know the person I am to please is yours truly. I know at the end of a typical day, I would have a clean house, prepare meals for my family, my daughter right under my nose and some days attend fitness classes or religious sermons or cooking classes or facials whatever...ahhh what a life!!

Though I feel strongly that the working life is never for me, to contradict myself, I am indeed grateful for the opportunity presented before me. I know that I should be grateful for the rezeki (livelihood) but you sometimes cannot help wishing, hoping and praying for things to turn out the way you'd always hope for - the way you imagine your life should be.

On the home life perspective, things too have been driven into a diversion. What we planned...well did not go according to plans. The anticipation of new beginnings that should take place this year and one that we should pay close attention to have been progressing rather slowly almost to a standstill. Now that it has reached mid 2009, I would say that that "KPI" may not materialize...to my disappointment that is. I would say that it is difficult when you know that you are on your own track to achieve certain goals within a so-n-so stage in your life and to achieve those objectives sometimes would require you to take certain other additional steps and sometimes demand for you to achieve certain pre-requisite targets, tangibles and deliverables. Of course to something you plan, you can only plan and of course a plan is not a plan if it does not come with its own sets of hindrances and obstructions. If only I can be convincing enough to let it be known that I am ready for the next stage but I have also set the condition that I cannot bring this family to the next level without us materializing this specific "KPI". I am a Capricorn and being a control freak comes with that territory. I do set targets for me to achieve and so far in my years of living, they have been somewhat 90% achieved and on track. I hope my other half understands (though I feel that he should understand me after 13 years!)How big of a deal this is to me and though he may not know it (or maybe he does, but does not want to say anything), I do have a list each year!!!
So basically, lately I have had a dark cloud hovering over me. With my Gran's passing + all of the above, I have not been lively I would say. I have been down and out. Cannot help but wish for things to look up. Sometimes even wondering why was this path chosen for me. I noticed that lately the patterns of my posts have presented me in a grumpy and dark way but how can you help the turn of events right?

The only bright side is my Daanya Ayeesha and what a little matured young lady she has turned into. She is filled with so much emotion and can turn them on and off as she pleases. She gets teary eyed when Pinocchio hurt himself when trying to save Gepetto, she gets upset when The Witch got to Princess Aurora and managed to cast the Princess to sleep, she was sad when Eve went into idle mode when Wall-e gave her that plant, she gets angry when daddy annoys and irritates her. The plus side also is that Daddy and Mummy get to rekindle our childhood with the cartoon movies she is watching now...but cannot take it when she requests for the movie for 79th time in a day....huwaaaaaaa....but luckily we have a reasonable young lady on our watch, just tell her that mummy and daddy wants to watch our movies/shows first ok, and then you watch yours (in hopes that she would forget la...) but noooo she remembers and once the credits are out she would instantly demand "Watch Daanya's movie now k k?" huhu. She sure does remember a promise...take after her mummy eh? hehhehehe...

Oh well...till the next grumpy post or shall I maintain G*eorge Michael's "D*on't Let the S*un shine Down on Me" as my mantra hoping for a change in aura and perhaps karma??