*** Begging for forgiveness ***

Ok, I have not been so kind to you my dear dear space....there hasn't been a day that passed and the thought of you have never left my mind! The writer in me has begged to be released but reality has it that I've kept her locked up and kept the key...I am so so sorry!  I will try to be more kind...and will try not to make empty promises!  Thank you for waiting for me and forgiving me numerous times!

Welcome 2013...let's make a change!

***A year older and wiser X 2***

Princess M turned 2, on June 16.  I remember it all like it was yesterday. The day she was born, the year that followed and now a year after that!  She is such a sight for sore eyes.  Slowly coming into her own, developing her own personality and letting us discover every new characteristic at each new milestone.

As tradition would have it, we celebrated Princess M's 2nd birthday with family.  It was fun where both families, mine and hub's contributed with the spread.  Hubs wanted our favorite rice dishes and immediately we knew what we wanted each family to bring and have a potluck going.  It is always good to have family around us and have the girls bond with them.

Best of all, the day was focussed on M.  She didn't know what was going on but noticed that the house was getting done up with birthday banners hung and mummy and daddy busy getting things done and rearranging things.  Of course we kept on singing the 'Happy Birthday' song to her but she would counter with singing the same song but it would be for me, daddy or her sister except her.

So, when the time came and everybody sang for her she got so embarrassed and ended up blowing her candle before cue.  So everybody sang again but this time she was too embarrassed to blow the candle again.  

Both my girls had fun though, my bestie came with her son, D and of course the girls were occupied with D and hopefully he had fun too!  I lost track on what was going on everywhere as I had to constantly make sure that everything was ok but I knew that was a make-up session going on with Daan as the make-up consultant.  

M opened her presents at the end and there were some surprises like a 7ft bouncy castle which really puzzled us as we had to figure out when and where would we inflate such a thing in our house??? So thanks lil bro, you meant well I know, but maybe we'll wait for you to purchase your house with a big compound and girls can have sleepovers and jump their sugars off on the bouncy castle.

We had fun, it was a lovely day!  We can't thank family enough! We love them to pieces and thankful that our girls have such wonderful and loving people surrounding them.

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Hub's birthday falls on the same month as M.  13 days later to be exact!  I remember when we learned M's EDD and we were really hoping that she would make her entrance as near as possible to her daddy's birthday. Of course it didn't happen.  Anyway, hubs always wanted a simple celebration.  He had always preferred that his birthday is celebrated just us; me and him with the girls.  He had planned that we ate out for dinner but so happened that it was a Friday, and I don't think he wants to face the jam especially at the time he usually comes back from work.  

So, I thought it would be practical to just cook an extra special dinner, have a cake and invited his good friend to join us. A close intimate affair.  He came back from work and was surprised that I had everything all set up.  It was such an exhausting day!  I cooked up a storm from morning and managed to meet up with good friends for an hour over tea at the place where I got the cake.  Actually, I wanted to get cake and they accompanied me only we all came separately.  But, they are such good support! 

Again, my girls had another opportunity to blow candles and sing Happy Birthday. So they did. Hubs had them blow the candles and cut the cake. Which was very sweet by the way!  

I was a happy mummy! My home cooked meal was very well received and my girls finished their plates and the rest of the dishes were cleaned out too! Yeay!!

I love my little family. Of course tempers flare sometimes but I could never imagine my life without them. 

Yaya, mummy loves you with all my heart!  You have never failed to make me smile at your quirky ways.  You have this charm that would melt hearts.  Your laid back ways amazes me all the time, how you always laugh at everything which shows me that you have this positive outlook on things.  You have taught me a lot this 2 years already and I am proud so proud of you.  Like Daan, we promise to give you the best cause you too deserve the best.  I love you my Little Miss Misunderstood!

Sayang, I am so proud of you.  You have sacrificed so much for us and continue to strive to give us the best.  We love you, I love you.  Thank you for everything.  Like I said, you have taught me the meaning of commitment and dedication towards having a healthy and happy family.  Happy Birthday, my one true love!

*** A dry spell ***

It was back to the normal routine in our household this week.  You know, the usual pick up and drop off, extra classes and schedules.  

I have been a little uninspired lately in the kitchen.  I think this is due to post-holiday syndrome! I have a fridge fully stocked but nothing comes to me.  It's a dry spell.  Need to be inspired again.  I need to re-kindle my friendship with the Food Network.  My bestie on the other hand has been cooking up a storm! And the wonderful dishes she came up with was so so awesome!  She says it is normal to go through a phase like this. Her tip was to just go with something simple and build from there especially now with recipes readily available on the Internet.  I don't know what this is but I need to overcome  it fast or else we will be blowing our budget eating out this month!  And I saw, this perfect recipe for Mango Lassi by Giada on Food Network...may not be a meal but it's a start eh?

P/s : Princess M turned 2 last weekend but that deserves a post on its own.

P.P/s : I am watching Something Borrowed on Fox right now and it is one of  my favorite movies so it is too distracting to write and watch at the same time. But hey, at least I am keeping to my weekly commitment!

Till next week!

***Matters of the heart***

This week was all about family. 

Funny how it is...you are at home raising your kids, making sure that everything in the household is in order and getting your routine down every waking day...minus all that then add in the proper setting; a remotely located resort, a beach, a swimming pool and some peace and tranquility, you start to really appreciate what you have in front of you.  You see your little family from a different light.  Minus all the routines you are bogged down with, you learn to appreciate them more and wishing that time could stand still right there and then just so things don't change. During times such as these you tend to bend a little and just let things fall where they may.  You let loose.

I love taking time off with my little family. I love spending every waking minute with them!  I am very grateful that we had these past two weeks to really bond and spend time together! In fact I am really grateful for all the quality times we had to date to do so. 

I guess it is really important to find time sometimes to just stop everything. Stop with the daily routines and take that moment to really put things in perspective and focus on what really matters.  I have been really happy lately but the past week I was at my happiest!  I get to really bond with my girls, no shouting and screaming from the top of my lungs to make sure they abide with whatever rules we've created! But to just let them be and just follow their wishes.  I was so relaxed and soaked it all in and savored the time. 

I discovered things about my girls that I wouldn't normally see on those 'normal' days.  Princess D is really starting to understand things better.  She is learning to understand that things are not just about her.  She has a baby sister which she has now learned to put in the picture.  She has really many principles and she stands by them.  She is true to her words and true to herself.  No pretense. No layers.  What you see is what you get.  She is somewhat of a control freak though some may curse me to say such things at that young age, but it is true! She likes it when things are in her control and freaks out or breaks down when they are not.  She has an outgoing side to her and can be really brave when she wants to be.  She just absorbs and absorbs her surroundings and turns everything into a learning process for herself.  She is also so in touch with her emotions.  I guess drama class is effective haha! Her wittiness astounds me.  I am truly proud of her and really in all honesty wants nothing but the best for her.

Princess M, is one tough cookie just as how our Aussie friends predicted she would be.  She knows what she wants and she fights for them.  She is so loving and caring. She is free-spirited but holds the things that are dear to her.  She is loyal.  She is friendly. Unlike her sister, she keeps her emotions to herself but let it all go when it reaches her limits.  That is when she doesn't stop.  She will make sure you know that you are the one she's got issues with. Her smile warms my heart! And she sure smiles alot!  She will let you know she loves you but will totally ignore you when she doesn't.  She like to make her own discovery and she learns from her trials and errors.  She doesn't give up easily.  She tries and tries until she succeeds.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful children.

I found out things about myself too! I found out that my OCD Type A+B goes with me no matter where I go.  Only it doesn't project so much in a relaxed environment.  Guess, you just can't have it all!  Cannot wait for the next family time!

***Check & Balance***

I can't say that I am totally back cause time has been very unkind to me!  I do miss writing and I'd hate for my next post to be a year from now...sometimes I wonder how those other full time moms do it.  At every chance I get I choose to unwind, relax or nap.  However not a day goes by without me thinking about this lil blog of mine.  Guilt overwhelms me for ignoring it!  I guess it is a commitment that I just have to make! Baby steps...maybe once a week?? Gee, I really don't want to make promises! But let's try for the sake of this 2nd  half of 2012.

It has been almost a year now since I have become a full time mummy.  Of course it does come with it its sets of challenges, there are good days and bad days. More often good than bad.  There are also days when I felt as though I am locked in a cage counting the days to be set free! ;p but I am lucky I have a very supportive family and most of all hubs is always all for me getting my days off!

What a whirlwind the past year has been! Now, life is slowly settling and I get to savor every minute of it!  It's as though I was meant to do this right from the very beginning.  Like this is my destiny.  When it all began of course, getting into the hang of things was tough. Exhausting!  Now that it has found its rhythm, I am so content! Minus the bad days of course!  I am happy. My girls are right there before my eyes.  They are learning and I am learning something new alongside with them.  I can't complaint.  I still have time to have a social life though not as much as I would previously,  I get time to take care of myself and my girls are achieving milestones of development beyond my expectations. It is still exhausting but I still feel that that balance is important!

I have discovered things that I never knew about myself. I discovered this liking for cooking.  Like I don't complaint when I have to do it! I find it exciting and liberating! Believe it or not, over the 11 months I have been a full time mummy, I have cooked over 100+ recipes! I can't believe it either..all from Malay to Chinese to Thai to Italian to Middle Eastern to Indian to the Western. All simple recipes of course and those that are acceptable to the palette of the household...and I find myself wanting to try more and more.  I introduce a new recipe each week and so far they've been accepted well...my biggest critic of course would be Hubs and hopefully he hasn't cheat and stretch his criticism.  I hope to have all these recipes collated and consolidated into a recipe book that I hope to be passed down to my girls.  It may not be much but it would be enough for them to whip something up when their own lives begin in years to come.  That is my dream, however, I have bought the right book to jot down these recipes but have yet to pen them.  I keep telling hubs how crucial it is for me to actually write these recipes down cause most of it are just conjured instinctively through what I've tasted from our food at the restaurants we dine in.  Like I said time is always unkind. Again baby steps...*sigh* So many to do so little time!

Then of course there is the yearly resolutions! I have never failed to set resolutions each new year and this year is no exception. I have achieved those resolutions before and this year to date is going good!  This year was supposed to be about progress; little milestones to trudge and achieve just to give us or rather myself the reassurance that we are indeed moving forward.  

This applies especially to our house.  We've moved in 2 years now and the first 2 years we put on hold furnishing and decorating cause the space was good for the kids especially Princess M (I was a month due to give birth when we moved in) to move around.  Now that Princess M is walking, jumping and running and doesn't need a field of space to practice her crawling, I have decided it is time to start putting in the big furnitures and play around with decorating ideas.  So far it is going great! We executed little projects to give a bit of warmth to the house.  We've also purchased armchairs and console tables. My personal favorite that somehow gave me this sense of achievement is when we sent our 28 year old piano for refurbishing.  I grew up with the piano when I started lessons at 5. Now, the piano is still with me and it has never looked better!  The refurbishing of the piano was indeed an achievement!  Apart from that we've also done up Princess D's room which also checks off the resolution to train her to sleep on her own.  The house of course is always a work in progress and I want to take my time to make it warm and homy for us.  It is something that we will live with for a long time and my aim is to make it comfortable for us to look forward to returning; a sanctuary!

The biggest portion of my resolution this year is Princess D.  I maybe tooting my own horn, but to me, she exudes a lot of potential.  The aim for me for her this year is to continue stimulating her personal growth and brain development.  People have called me a 'kiasu' mother but I couldn't give a S***! They are my kids and I will raise them as I see fit!  Princess D has the capacity and the energy.  It would be unfair for us not to expose her where her interests are and allow her to reach and grasp towards her maximum potential.  She loves the arts.  Be it imagining she is a Princess in dire need of help, singing, dancing, sketching and drawing..all about the arts!  Growing up I didn't have the opportunity to explore these skills in me.  Back then it was all about hitting the books and the piano! And of course getting good grades! The beginning of 2012, I was all over the Internet googling away for options.  It has to be drama, not speech and drama but the acting/theatre kind of drama.  Then there must be art class not the "let's learn how to draw your daddy with geometrical shapes" kind of art but fine art, where she is able to express all in drawings and learn coloring with pastel or water color.  You see why these classes are important because we felt that when Princess M made her debut Princess D had to suppress a lot of emotions.  She was just supposed to understand and give in just because she now has a little sister.  December 2010, she went into a depression spell for about 2 weeks.  Not wanting to communicate, was throwing her tantrums without a care and expressed no interest whatsoever in anything.  After that she developed self esteem issues and somehow along with that developed shyness and lack of confidence!  These classes were good for her to express herself so we signed her up for extra classes at her kindy.  This year however, I wanted to take it up a notch.  She shows so much interest in drama and art, that I went through all ends to look for the best classes outside of school for us to sign her up.  This way she could mix with new friends from different age groups which hopefully indirectly will boost her confidence and come out of her shyness.  Found the best classes for both respectively and it fitted our criteria for her and now half way through the year, she has so much to show for already!  She is more confident now, speaks very clearly and most importantly expresses her emotions forwardly.  She doesn't keep them in anymore. She lets us know when she is sad, angry, disappointed, happy, nervous and such!  Hubs and I are so happy with her progress and what she has achieved!  For drama especially, where she played a character in a group sketch and memorized her lines for the final presentation.  

We also signed her up for Mandarin classes.  The actual objective was for her to be enrolled into Chinese school.  After much thought, it wouldn't be practical and viable as our objectives for her is not just to crunch but fun and play is also important! Of course obviously one cannot get that in a Chinese school.  This was hub's dream.  We are both of Chinese descent where hubs is 50% chinese and I 25%.  He really wants the language to be learned and maintained down the generation.  The best solution is to send her to a Mandarin extra class that would teach the syllabus at the same time let the kids master the language.  We found one right under our noses nearby our home.  And voila!!! Princess D is now a mandarin speaking 5 year old mastering the basic of the language and learning the Std. 1 syllabus that of a Chinese school.  To date she has aced and done well in her tests bringing home her 100% or sometimes 90% sometimes 80%.

I know it in my heart she has the capacity and the energy.  She, by nature, is not those kids that terrorizes the house and turn it upside down, she prefers a structured environment, where she is able to play and imagine.  She loves her computer where she could sit and play for hours.  Her room is enough space for her imagination to run wild and play out her scenes as a Princess or a mommy or a sister or a fashionista or anywhere her imagination takes her! Call me whatever you want, kiasu or not,  there are reasons behind our decisions and naturally we have to do the best for our kids and I think the early years are the best years to let them discover where and what their interests are. As parents, I feel that the best way to encourage them during these years is to support them.  I am sure that is how a certain national squash player started out too, with a mere interest mixed with a little push and support.

Princess M.  What can I say, the first year has been quite turbulent especially where emotions are concerned.  And by that I meant  MY emotions.  Now almost turning 2, I can never be so proud!  We are still trying to gauge where her interest inclines to. So far I can see & hear a lot of singing and dancing from her.  She does sometimes pretend she is a certain character too but that sits behind to the singing and dancing.  She loves gadgets; the mobile phone, the computer, the iPad.  What is obvious about her character and skills so far is her temper and her coordination.  Her bodily kinetics is superb.  She learns something and catches really fast.  All in all trying to grow very fast or better yet to outdo her big sis.  We have no plans for her so far, just for her to keep discovering and learning.  Maybe 2013, we could start her with playgroup but we'll see her readiness.

Travels, breakaways & holidays has always been one of my many resolution each year.  It is my passion to discover new places domestic or international.  So far each year we do try to fulfill this pledge.  Ever since Princess D was one, we have travelled at least once in the year.  Just something to look forward to.  This year so far, Alhamdulillah, with His blessings and we were able to bring our 2 kids to experience plane rides to 2 international destinations, Singapore (January) and Australia (March).  The Australia trip was very meaningful as we were able to show our girls places that we visited during our honeymoon and being there together as hubs and wifey.  It was indeed very special and we felt so blessed to be given the chance to bring our kids with us and survived!!! Haha! I am so happy and grateful that my girls got to see and experience these parts of the world and made wonderful friends along the way!

Little breakaways tend to be more impromptu.  Brought the girls to Malacca for some history and of course introducing them to my roots where my grandma and dad was born from the Baba & Nyonya ancestry.  We had tonnes of fun!  Looking forward to a little relaxation at the beach soon and see how Princess M will like the swimming pool and water.  She had a hard time adjusting in Australia and only grew fond of the beach and its sands towards the end of our stay in Brisbane  before heading up to the Sunshine Coast. Hopefully she'll learn to accept this time...

Health is also important to me, always have and will always be!  But this year I stand on pushing myself further.  It has been going great and God willing, my motivation continues and of course with the wonderful friends I have made and their support, hopefully I won't be jumping off the wagon anytime soon!  But it is all about keeping and achieving your resolutions right? So far so good!

The year 2012 thus far has been kind.  I am truly grateful.  I am grateful for where my path has lead me.  I think I have always been born to be a mother - a stay-at-home one at that.  I have never felt so liberated, so determined and so so happy!  I am so content! Working all those years pulled me down. Proving myself to my superior, deadlines, pressure and stress and all for?  When all the while I knew the only person I need to prove to is myself and the Almighty of course!  I have achieved so much for the past one year than those many many years working and I am never happier! I have all that matters with me, my supportive husband, my lovely and growing girls, my parents, siblings and in-laws and wonderful wonderful friends!

Till my next post!  waiting for a whole year to update is exhausting!  Let's make it once a week?....It's a date then....

***Of voids and absences***

I cannot tell you how much I miss writing.  I miss it so much that it causes me to wander my everyday routines with this void in my heart....But what does that mean? Does that mean that this is another found passion...or does that just mean that I need to vent badly and this was my only channel? Whatever it is I miss it so badly and feels guilty for ignoring this space....It was a relieve 6 months ago when I first became a full time SAHM that I finally get some time to write. Unfortunately time does not permit at all...of course I could make time for it especially when the kids are down at night but then feelings have it that I would rather catch up on my ZZzzzz and better rest as much as I can....

I don't want to make promises, but I hope I am able to check in now and then and bare it all so to speak.  I hope to say that I am back but I don't want to speak too soon....but I do and I really do have so much to tell!

***Of greener pastures and moving forward***

I have been yearning to pen down my thoughts for what could have been a gazillion years if it was possible. Not a day gone by had I not thought about this space of mine, a place that could let it all out. I missed this little space of mine tremendously to the point that I feel really guilty for abandoning it too long. I hope that this streak won't be permanent...*crossing finger*

Anyhoo, let me begin with saying that life works in mysterious ways...sometimes you have so much going for you and you swear you planned every bit of your life to the core and it boils down to only executing them and when that point comes suddenly you find yourself taking a detour!...and that was exactly what happened to me!

So with that note I am proud to declare that I am now a STAY-AT-HOME mom! Turn of events transpired and we thought about it looooong and hard (of course by "we" I meant hubs and I). Of course we asked for guidance relentlessly! And Alhamdulillah and Insya Allah this option was for the better.

The truth of it all was I wasn't happy.Day in and day out totally unhappy! Yeah, you would probably say who isn't?especially when talking about work and your career...but with me work just made me want to crawl out of my skin. I hated every sense of the word! Of course I had made the best of it before and in fact had performed really well...but there s no doubt something inside of me was screaming that this is NOT FOR ME! The years before I had no choice...our finances didn't allow it and on top it all the new position prior to making this decision did have better prospects financially and in terms of progressing in my career...so imagine my predicament! But a decision had to be made and of course my priority remains that my baby daughters would always come first!so bearing that in mind, once staying home they deserve my upmost attention.

After it was official, to our surprise a number of turn of events happened that somehow assured me that this is right...we are doing fine so far...Alhamdulillah! No setbacks instead we were presented with good opportunities and prospects that Insya Allah if it is meant to be and God willing we look forward to it! I can sense that my princesses love the fact that we are now more close knit as a family. Princess D loves it that I am there for her all the time sending and fetching her to and from pre-school while Princess M has my attention 24/7 which I didn't get to give right after confinement because of the new job and long hours.

Shortly to say I have nothing but love right now...I love watching my girls grow up and develop right in front of my eyes, love that I have them with me as they are my comfort zone! Enough said ilove taking care of may family and have more important things to concentrate on. I have learned that life isn't always about what is material and the dollar sign though I must admit that they are important but nothing beats the love I am getting and the love I get to give by just diverting my focus on what matters most!I have no regrets. No doubt there are challenges and I will face obstacles but this is so fulfilling and satisfying...something I never had felt working for the man all those years!and I am still on the search for what I am passionate for, skills and talents basically things that I can be good at...but I am taking my time as I am doing what I love and passionate about so no complaints as yet...I am happy, my marriage is good, girls are fine...what more can I ask for...

***Hush Hush***

This song was played on radio today and somehow struck a chord with me and made me feel melancholy...The song felt relevant...

Hush Hush lyricsSongwriters: Larossi, J; Romdhane, A; Scherzinger, N; Wroldsen, I;

I never needed you to be strong
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs
I never needed pain, I never needed strain
My love for you is strong enough you should have known

I never needed you for judgment
I never needed you to question what I spent
I never ask for help, I take care of myself
I don't why you think you got a hold on me

And it's a little late for conversations
There isn't anything for you to say
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver
So look at me and listen to me because

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush, there is no other way
I get the final say because

I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken
Our love is broken, baby, hush hush

I never needed your corrections
On everything from how I act to what I say
I never needed words, I never needed hurts
I never needed you to be there everyday

I'm sorry for the way I let go
From everything I wanted when you came along
But I am never beaten, broken not defeated
I know next to you is not where I belong

And it's a little late for explanations
There isn't anything that you can do
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver
So you will listen when I say, baby

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush, there is no other way
I get the final say because

I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken
Our love is broken, baby, hush hush

No more words, no more lies
No more crying
No more pain, no more hurt
No more trying because

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush, there is no other way
I get the final say because

I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken
Our love is broken, baby hush hush

Hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken
Our love is broken, baby

***Little Miss Misunderstood @ 12 months***

I know I have been very silent.  Probably close to a year now.  Just when I thought things will be more calm after the storm, life has taken to a more turbulent turn.  Life has lead me to a path where I would reconsider all of my objectives and prioritize.  Yes, indeed it took me that long to finally come to this day where I can finally talk about it.  However, that day won't be today in this post but another time in a different post.  This post should be solely dedicated to my Little Miss Misunderstood.  I think henceforth I shall withdraw from that title for her..Princess Yaya she will be just like our first born Princess D.

Yaya turned out on the contrary from the very beginnings of her life on this earth.  Previously I had vented how difficult a baby she was and over time she got better.  Now, she turned into such a pleasant, no fuss little toddler!  She is such a free spirit without a care.  She goes about her own business; the works; she does not demand attention from you unless necessary, she wakes up every morning always with a smile on her face; and only cries when she bumps her head in a fall...haha...Such tremendous turnaround I cannot help but beat myself up and go "What were you thinking?" Mummy is such a douchebag!!

We celebrated her first birthday 16 June and as tradition would have it we had a big bash with people we care for the a week after.  I am so proud of my Maya Arissa!  I could never ask for anything more!  She learned to crawl at 4 months, sit and stand at 6 months and walked at 10 months.  She is my lil go getter!  My lil petit go-getter! 

Maya Arissa, words cannot describe how proud I am of you...you've developed far beyond my expectation and I am truly sorry for being such a pain earlier on and not accept you for who you are. Just like your sister, I will strive to be at my very best for you.  You are my life and the reason I live my everyday.  Mummy and daddy will give our very best to equip you both to set out in the world.  We believe that both of you will make us proud and encourage you to achieve all that you can achieve and support you in all ways possible. I love you endlessly! So Happy Birthday my dear little one.  May you set out to be the best you can be, Insya Allah.

***Little Miss Misunderstood @ 4 months***

She is my little Miss Misunderstood (LMM)!  She really changed in character!! Why I call her LMM is because of the first two months of her arrival.  I see it now that it wasn't her acting up those 2 months but it was just that she was misunderstood.  Hence the name!

She turned 4 months last 16 Oct.  Ironic how fast time flies when she is at her best behavior as opposed to that first 2 months.  I cannot get enough of her now...she is the light to my day...in fact both of my princesses are...She is such a delight to look at early morning. She welcomes you with a smile instead of tears.  She greets us with her laughter and allow us to enjoy her before actually claiming for her hunger pangs.

At exactly 2 days into her 4th month, she surprised us all by rolling over her tummy.  She is one strong little petite girl. She is able to lift her head while flat on her back and she doesn't like sitting down cause she prefers to stand for some reason. A girl that cannot wait to grow up, I said. She takes in 7oz of milk now and a slow eater just like mummy.  She enjoys her servings just like me...;p She is also my little silent observer...absorbing like a sponge I presume. There is always something that triggers her interest. A sign of intelligence I read.  She easily gets bored and requires constant entertaining.

She naps 2 hours to 3 hours during the day and have slept 6 hours through the night. All these circumstance is of course when she is absolutely full and well fed.  She still have insecurity issues while sleeping and loves it when a familiar face is around her when she sleeps.  She sleeps longer when this condition is met.

I think I have settled with the fact that she is a petite little girl.  It was tough for me to accept at first cause of my high expectations and I do have them still cause I am just made that way...but that doesn't mean I have given up...I still anticipate her being chubby and will look forward to that.

I cannot wait to see what other surprises she has up her sleeves.  So, bring on month five!

***For both my Princesses***

Maya turned 3 months last 16th September.Phew!!! Felt like such a whirlwind of a journey... I never thought we'd eventually get here actually...

It was a tough 2 months with my 2nd born Princess.  I have to put this on record, even from the moment she was born she really let the world know of her existence and really let us know of her demands.  That day marked the beginning of this crazy journey...

She was never satisfied from the get-go. She wanted to be fed all the time, she was always demanding something...the hospital nurses probably recognizes her crying every time I had to call them to bring her back to the nursery because I was unable to please her...On that note, let me say here that she is one loud crying baby!!Somehow it was also then that I knew that things are not normal anymore...it was then that I got scared thinking and wondering whether I am actually prepared to immerse myself into this reality that wasn't planned - that wasn't what I am built for.

First it was the skin breakouts...they tell me it was allergies...to what I thought?? cause at that point in time she was only on BM...the breakout went away, then it was the painful burps and the gases...they tell me it was the formula milk we were trying out...then there was the infrequent poopings...they said it was lactose intolerance...then came back the rash all over her body...they told me to watch for detergents and possible stimulants...then it was the irregular sleep patterns as she did not sleep/nap for more than 15 minutes during the day, which overtire her that she also could not sleep at night...they told me it's ok just enjoy her cause she is just inquisitive.

All these difficulties the first 2 months and it was slowly eating me on the inside..couldn't tell anybody cause I was ashamed or rather...ashamed of her cause I thought that my babies are all supposed to be perfect.  My first born was a happy baby and I caught on to that current and was oblivious to the fact that this time my baby is not perfect!I guess I did not prepare for the worse. I was fazed by the status quo. My emotional well-being went into a downward spiral.  I knew it was more than the blues. It got even more difficult everyday...too much to handle, too much to bear...I hated everyone around me, hated the fact that they were not helping me solve what was wrong with my baby, or so I thought. I blamed myself for being such a lousy person, such a lousy mother. I kept on wanting to have things back as they were...wanted the norm that I was already used to - just me, hubby and Dan Dan.  I did not sign up for M's moods and tantrums...in my reality, she was supposed to make her entrance and everything was supposed to be smooth sailing from there just as we done it before...I got bitter and angry all the time...she was in the way of everything...I wanted just 5 seconds of rest and that she couldn't give me...why does it have to be all about her? how about me???I took it out on hubby a lot too...I hated myself for doing this to myself...I was tired, exhausted, fatigued and stressed...I think most of all I was angry at her for causing all this ruckus...She was hard for me to accept...

I kept this all inside me...I felt that no one could help me anyway so why bother. There was and still is this void inside of me that felt like I have lost a part of me. That I am not the same person as I was before. I have lost myself and it is never coming back.

There was also this part of me that was holding on strong.This voice that tells me to fight...a voice that convinced me that M is mine and that I love her.  It was this voice that told me to tell someone.  It was this voice that saved me.  It wasn't strong but it was there fighting with me.  It was there telling me to stand strong and gave it my best shot and told me M was worth the fight! M is a blessing...by the works of the Almighty, I was given time...it was written from the start...He granted my du'a for a better career prospect...and He had written it in a way that before this new challenge begin, I would have 'time' to be with my baby. I was reluctant at first but took on this initial challenge...little did I know, all I needed to do was just concentrate on the bigger picture and not dwell on the smaller.  Alhamdulillah, I was able to talk to my mother about my ordeal...she too had sense something was off with me...I had my best friend, who never stopped being concerned of my well being and most of all my husband and my first born who never got tired of dealing with my mood swings and uneasiness...

I got to know M better. I now know what she expects...I now know what she demands of me and I now know that all she needed was for me to open my eyes and my heart and accept her and be excited just like how I was with Daanya.  All she wanted was my attention and my focus on her and listen. Something that I failed to do cause I was too selfish and wanted things to work out for only me. So with that small voice of positivity and with whatever strength I have left, they were my armor. I listened.  Now, I can't seem to tear myself away from her.  I want to make up for lost time.  I put her through too much...too much for just that little person to handle. I am guilty for all the selfishness and for not taking care of myself and handling things much better.  In return she now allows me to love her unconditionally...a feeling that I thought was impossible. Alhamdulillah, Praise the Almighty, Syukur! I don't know if I am truly cured but I hope that I am and everyday I struggle to fight and ward off all the negativity.  It is a lonely battle and so far my sanity is still in tact.  I do find myself getting angry easily but I am a work in progress.  Hopefully, I will be a better mother to Maya more than what she expects me to be. For both my princesses!

Note: At 3 months, Maya is now 5.3kgs, coos and gurgles (loves doing this if you talk to her) and smile since she was 2 months old, taking in 6oz of milk at every feed.poops every 2 days (at the point that this entry was composed she pooped 2 days back to back). Loves her baths now. Holds her head strong since she was 2 days old. Loves to suckle her fingers and lets you know when she is bored and wants to watch tv. She wakes up once at night for her feed and sleeps instantly after.  She has two daytime naps - one in the morning and one lunchtime nap (I read apparently lunch time naps are good for infants with difficulty napping, if you put them down at 12:30-1pm they will eventually learn to nap better and be calmer babies as this is the time that they naturally less productive (http://www.contentedbaby.com/SolvingLunchtimeNap.htm)).  She now follows a routine and I try my level best to stick to that routine.  The first 2 months she sleeps longer with the help of a swing, now we are able to put her down for her naps and sleeps.  She takes the pacifier to help her sleep and only to help her sleep.

***Liberty***

One more day before confinement ends.  This time around, I had vowed to go through the traditional Malay "pantang" in full force.  And that I did.  Though the results are rather satisfying and one must be equipped with the strongest of wills. 

For me recuperating is not the problem...I think the 2nd week in I was already strong enough, of course there were glitches here and there especially with the "urut urat" the first 10 days of my confinement.  The obstacle for me is getting used to Yaya's rhythm (I dcided to call her that!).  Yaya too probably went through a rough 30 days..well not probably, I confirm that she did go through a rough 30 days especially on day 30...

I think the problem was that there were too many distractions that probably caused me not to be able to get hold or get to know her better...of course 30 days is a tad bit too immature to be making any conclusions but at this 2nd last day, that I finally got the best advice and allow me to be able to take it all at a different light. A bit too late? I hope not...

With Dan Dan, I had ample time to get to know her, to know her rhythm and her patterns cause I pretty much had her to care for independently and there wasn't any distractions. I concentrated on her 100%.  The challenge with Yaya was adjustment.  I had to adjust with the fact that Dan Dan is 3 and it is the attention seeking age...I was too busy balancing everything.  Making sure Dan Dan gets the attention, making sure that Yaya's needs are met and at the same time meeting my needs too...I was distracted with making sure the routine is established and of course being a true Capricorn, that routine cannot be messed with else all else would fail.  And true enough, that was what happened...

Only towards the end of the confinement days that I realized that things would be much easier if I played it by ear...of course there were breakdowns...a lot of which in the shower where I cannot help but bawl my eyes out!!!(the only "me" time I could get!)  By this time there were too many negativities in me that I even thought of walking away...scolded myself for wanting this...at the same time blaming myself for being such a useless mother...

But at this 2nd last day, our paed gave me the best advice which I thought was 30 days late but nevertheless I'll take it in...He said, "...it is because you already have the fear in you after what had happened and now you tend to be over protective and over analyzing things...Yaya is an inquisitive baby! (showing us how Yaya is inspecting paed's consultation room.) Why put her to sleep when she doesn't want to? Let her observe her surroundings, let her take it in and she will let you know when she wants to sleep...why bother making sure that she burps after feeding just because our grans tell us to?If after 5 minutes nothing happens, I wouldn't worry about it...it will come out eventually...why worry if she doesn't poo everyday, even if it is every other day, her poop is not with diarrhea substance and there is no blood with the poop, and with a max of 3 days of not pooping, she is fine...as for her painful gas and the rash, I recommend I.s.o.m.i.l cause it is so obvious that she is lactose intolerant. Try it out, and you will find your life will be less agonizing..."

Best advice I ever got throughout this whole 44 days...From his advice I also concluded that I need to be less of a control freak and enjoy that my baby is here and that we all should enjoy her arrival.  If things don't work out, it is ok, take a breather and learn to take it all in and gain the experience from it.  Stop comparing Yaya to Dan Dan!!! The experience is not the same!!! 

This will remain as a mental note from henceforth...

Anyway, happy liberty to me!!!I survived 44 days of confinement...have not gotten to the weight i want yet but in due time, hopefully...Going out today even for my post natal check up was so liberating and I was able to release some stress - to be able to see the outside of my house was such a sight...It was breathtaking and definitely a stress reliever! Woo saaaaa....

***Realization***

My baby, Princess M turned 1 month last 16th July.  Turn of events that took place on that day will probably remain fresh in my mind till the end of time. And I mean that literally...

It was a day to rejoice that we lasted a month but instead things happened as God will them to be even though you planned it differently.  

It was a day I realized how much fear I have at the thought of losing my children.  It was also a day I realized how much love I have for my children..to a depth that I thought was impossible and I have never seen before. 

It was something I regret and I am really praying and hoping that I won't have to make up for it...if I do it will be something I have to commit to my entire life.

Maya, I truly apologize for the bad judgment call. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. I love you with all my heart and I will probably feel this regret my entire life. Like your sis you are my angel and I would sacrifice myself for only the best for you. Never a day that go by that I don't truly regret what happened.  People say it is normal and that I have nothing to worry about...but these things don't happen to me...so I totally blame myself...I love you my baby...with all my heart and soul...

***Parenthood***

I am a big fan of the show.  Even the adverts that promotes the show where the talents answer what parenthood means to them...

Ever since Maya came, my whole idea on parenting has somewhat changed.  We get away with thinking "Oh this one will not be any different than the first one!" I know now that each child you bring into the world is unique. Different in every sense of the word.  They have their own characteristics that makes you fall in love all over again...I think this is why each child is special.

I have always devoted that I will raise my children so that they will be exposed to what life could offer so that they can learn from their own experiences.  I never want to be a hovering mother, I still vow to never be one! Discipline is still very important and you still need to discipline your child when need be.

I knew and still remember well how I was brought up...my brother and I were brought up with the strictest of discipline, old school style I would say...my mother was the disciplinarian of my parents.  Everything we did wrong would have its repercussions. And being always curious, we would get ourselves into a whole lot of mess....and we always faced our music...mom was a bit liberal on the other two...probably because much of it is left to us older ones to overlook on their well being...the advisors...but I think now that we are all grown up, the disciplining worked!Not that I am a total angel...but I know my right from wrong because that guilty conscience will always be there to bug me...and I am so grateful to mom for turning me into this person I once never thought I could be.

But I have a different outlook for my kids.  I think it was because I came from such a strict upbringing that I don't want the same for my kids.  It is still important though for them to have that fear of you...I always note this to myself.  They need to fear you so that they will know who is boss. So that they will listen.  Princess D gets away murder as far as our parenting goes. Yeah, nothing to be proud of yet...she tests and tests and tests hoping that you will falter to her bellows. A person close to us said to me, you have to be cruel to be kind, and yes I believe in that as hard and difficult it may seem.

It's always trials and errors this parenting..there will be mistakes, there will be days where you make those mistakes and feel like a total jacka$$, there are days where you'll come out of it like the most incapable moron, then there will be triumphant days and you pat yourself on the back and assure yourself of a job well done...hubby and I have a looooong way to go and there are many obstacles to hurdle...it takes a gazillion sacrifices, it takes realizing the reality that there are no more rest days, no more lazy days...let's see how this goes second time around...*crossing finger*

***...and she is Maya Arissa***

Announcing the arrival of our latest addition to the family...Maya Arissa Bt. Hazmy Hazeman.  Our latest precious was born 16 June 2010, 10:03pm at 3.48kgs equivalent to 7.7 lbs.

Weeks to her arrival had been so anticipated and longed for by all. All members of the family that would love her straight off.  Hubs and I had done all necessary.  We moved into the new house very well on schedule so that we could all be comfortable and acclimatized to the new surrounding. All boxes were unpacked and all appliances installed just in the nick of time. I managed to have 2 weeks of total rest in anticipation of her arrival. All in all everything was in place.

That very Wednesday of the 16th, hubby and I went to our weekly appointment with Dr. S in SDMCSJ as scheduled.  That very morning my mucous plug had ruptured which was very alien to me really cause I did not experience any of the sort with Princess D.  Consulted my bestie and she said it is an early sign of labor which could span a day to a week. Ok i thought no need to panic...So at the Doc's clinic, explained to her what happened with the mucous plug and after her routine examination she said that I was already 3-4cm dilated. To my surprise...the same thing happened when I was preggers with D.  Dilated but no physical pain!  And the very advice I shudder to hear came..."Since everything is already in place and you are already dilated that much, we could wait one or two days before you actually are in labor or we could minus the wait and go in today..." suddenly, all the torture and pain from delivering D came back as a refresher...."Oh no, does that mean meds again doc?" and yes was her reply.I was hoping we'd never hear that word this time around. I wanted everything to be "au natural" and really experience the truly "normal" kind of delivery...I was a bit disappointed not that I couldn't wait but because we were given the choice...and I did not want to make that choice. Here in one hand, I really do want Maya to arrive though 5 days earlier...but on the other hand, like I said I wanted it to be "normal" in every essence of the word.  I couldn't make the decision so I left it to hubs.

Of course, he being him, told the doc, let's do it, why wait?? *sigh* Oh boy, here we go again, I thought. Doc told us to go home and prepare whatever necessary reminding me to have a big lunch and to head straight to the labor ward at 3pm.  Nervous definitely I was.  All the way home and back to the hospital I kept comforting myself that this was the right decision.That it was meant to be.

In we went at 3pm.  Kind nurses and caretakers of the labor ward immediately started with all necessary procedures.  Made me nervous even more as they were all too familiar...so fresh like it was just yesterday. The enema, the poking on my all so crooked veins, the rupture of the amniotic sac, the invasive intrusions into your *you-know-where*....all too familiar!!!

The whole time lying on that labor room bed I kept wondering whether this will be a 14 hour gig again. But all hail! Thank you to the Almighty...we went in at 3pm felt no pain from the meds until 7:30pm. Even text my mom and asked why am I feeling no pain 4 hours in...8pm while hubby was performing prayers I called in the nurse for the painkiller jab.  Jabbed me they did and readied the gas...apparently at the time I was only 6 cm dilated.  I remember that distinct moment...hubby came back and a series of pain came and gone...9:45pm, I was dilating at 7cm, too early to push I thought. Got annoyed when hubby asked "Yang, do you feel like you want to push?" I irritatedly said no, not yet...but a split second later told him to get the nurse cause I want to push...nurse came in and at an instant 7cm turned to 9cm over probably 2 minutes span. I was frantic cause I wanted to push really really bad but the nurse told me not to, not until the ever committed Dr. S came. I remember not being bothered by the nurses cause helloooooo the push is automatic!!!!!4 pushes and roughly 18 minutes later, she came...our little fighter...our little speedy gonzales (hehehe)...10.03pm and she graced us with her presence...lovely!!!Alhamdulillah...The Almighty had never left my side, hubby was so supportive, I couldn't have done it without them...and of course the Doc and the labor room staffs...

She is so lovely...she is such a gift...I saw the look that hubby gave her and it was a look full of pride...and I was instantaneously overjoyed.  Maya Arissa is the name we have chosen for her...a name that means Bright Princess. Such a precious gem she is.  Now, we have two wonderful princesses...life is going to be a lot tougher with a lot more challenges, but having the presence of our two daughters with each their own antics, challenges we'll face...how can life be a bore right??

***In Actuality***

I have been putting off having to write updates.  Not because I have absolutely nothing to write, I have gazillion things to say...but in actual fact I felt that time was just too limited with so many things going on in our lives right about now.  To a point that things are a tad bit too overwhelming to have ourselves go through....However, I have to take it all with a grain of salt focusing on the "bigger" picture!!  This is for the best of our little family and if it takes for mummy and daddy to be tired, exhausted and broke so be it!!

I am now in my 33rd week of pregnancy...just a stones' throw away before things become even more chaotic!!hehehe.  So much anxiety at this point. Not to a state of panic just yet but slowly getting there....I have to really begin getting her stuffs soon...or else she is going to come to world without her essentials and may spark some psychological effect there..hehe...lately I have been bogged with this inner feeling of insecurity whether I will be a good mummy this 2nd time around. Whether we will provide for her with the best just like we did her elder sister (who is still reigning queen, by the way, with no sign of stepping down!!!)and also whether we or at least I will be able to love her the same like the reigning queen...All these insecurity scares me a bit...or am I over-thinking things???Honestly, the feeling just popped out of no where and as the time draws nearer, the more insecure I get...which scares me a little well a lot....I do hope this is normal...definitely will try my best to fight all negativity and know that all has been written and this "rezeki" (livelihood) has its purpose, I am sure of it...I do know that I am and have been so blessed and while He tests those He knows capable, the past 33 weeks has come and gone with its fair of challenges and definitely with progress worth waiting for...

If you are unable to guess by now, yes, it will be a girl for us again this time!!!Yeay!!! I have pictured it in my head how D and baby sis would get along, how they will be best friends and share secrets together and be inseparable, just like those shows we see on TV...oh I am so praying hard that they'll be the best of friends!!! Queen D has been throwing tantrums lately and at the same time being very "manja" or rather clingy. Other than that what shocked us while observing her character day to day is that she suddenly develops this motherly/sisterly behavior.  You see, she has this baby doll that she never cared for before who is now her "baby"...she pampers the baby, makes pretend milk for the baby, pushes her baby in the miniature stroller, consoles the baby when it cries and etc...so cute witnessing this....i guess intrinsically she is somewhat preparing herself????That would be a way to look at the positive right??Better than ignoring it all together, I suppose...hehe. Let's see how this will fair at the end....

The new abode's renovation works is almost reaching its completion.I thought it would never end and we will never get to move in before the baby's arrival.Hubby wants to begin the whole moving process soonest possible as he has tonnes of work piling up and awaiting for him this month...so the sooner we move in the better he will get to coordinate his hours at the office.  So, I anticipate a whole lot to take place within this 2 weeks and knowing the urgency I cannot let my "control freak" nature take over....hubby seems to have it all in his head....my concentration at this point would be to focus on the pregnancy and baby's arrival...though I must say that I am almost freaking out about moving into a house with no curtains, or kitchen top and sinks and taps (the kitchen people will only install these a week after the cabinet has been installed) and the thought of possibly washing D's bottles in the toilet sink?????...arrghhhh!!! I just hope that things will go according to plan......huhu....

On the career front, things has been looking up quite a bit...the department head re-structured the department putting me under the supervision of a manager and I must say, things are so much more structured now...at least my manager has paved a direction for our unit and all is such bliss cause she is so professional and understanding...

Beyond that I have also been circulating my resume...so far the prospect is quite good and pregnancy is not a hindrance apparently to be called in for interviews...so I am praying hard for something to transpire out of this...something good and prospective.

To be continued....

***And She turned Fabulous 3**

"Alhamdulillah, Praise to Allah the Almighty for all the He has blessed us with!"  

Our precious little Royal Highness turned 3 last 23rd March 2010. Oh my! I won't even begin to express how fast time flies though it is very much cliche but it is a natural fact.  Time seems to fly by even faster when you have a kid it seems...

We celebrated with a small intimate get together of just family...and it was perfect.  I would never have it any other way... We went with the D.isn.ey P.rincess theme this year as Her Royal Highness has develop an avid interest for the characters and not forgetting the movies.  This year we decided to order a D.isn.ey P.rincess cake from S.ecret Re.cipe because of the disappointment of ordering through a blog from the year before.  Though the cake had a beautiful outlook, the cake was so dry and tasteless..oh well...you learn from your mistakes right???

I am so grateful to the Almighty for granting us this 3rd year with our precious princess.  She has brought so much light and happiness in our lives and am so appreciative that she is and will always be my first born.  I am truly proud of her and her developments. Truly proud of her maturity and how she lights up my everyday with her antics.  Dan Dan, mummy loves you with all my heart and soul...and I can never imagine living my life without you in it.  Continue to make mummy and daddy proud and hope that in turn we too have made you proud.

***Wishing on the star***

This is actually a wish list post of the things I wish to have for this baby 2nd time around.  I am now closing in on the 28th week of pregnancy and somewhat excited on the arrival of our new addition to the family.***grin***

So here are some of the items on my wish list which is non-exhaustive that's for sure!!

I want I want I want!!!