***Little Miss Misunderstood @ 12 months***

I know I have been very silent.  Probably close to a year now.  Just when I thought things will be more calm after the storm, life has taken to a more turbulent turn.  Life has lead me to a path where I would reconsider all of my objectives and prioritize.  Yes, indeed it took me that long to finally come to this day where I can finally talk about it.  However, that day won't be today in this post but another time in a different post.  This post should be solely dedicated to my Little Miss Misunderstood.  I think henceforth I shall withdraw from that title for her..Princess Yaya she will be just like our first born Princess D.

Yaya turned out on the contrary from the very beginnings of her life on this earth.  Previously I had vented how difficult a baby she was and over time she got better.  Now, she turned into such a pleasant, no fuss little toddler!  She is such a free spirit without a care.  She goes about her own business; the works; she does not demand attention from you unless necessary, she wakes up every morning always with a smile on her face; and only cries when she bumps her head in a fall...haha...Such tremendous turnaround I cannot help but beat myself up and go "What were you thinking?" Mummy is such a douchebag!!

We celebrated her first birthday 16 June and as tradition would have it we had a big bash with people we care for the a week after.  I am so proud of my Maya Arissa!  I could never ask for anything more!  She learned to crawl at 4 months, sit and stand at 6 months and walked at 10 months.  She is my lil go getter!  My lil petit go-getter! 

Maya Arissa, words cannot describe how proud I am of you...you've developed far beyond my expectation and I am truly sorry for being such a pain earlier on and not accept you for who you are. Just like your sister, I will strive to be at my very best for you.  You are my life and the reason I live my everyday.  Mummy and daddy will give our very best to equip you both to set out in the world.  We believe that both of you will make us proud and encourage you to achieve all that you can achieve and support you in all ways possible. I love you endlessly! So Happy Birthday my dear little one.  May you set out to be the best you can be, Insya Allah.

***Little Miss Misunderstood @ 4 months***

She is my little Miss Misunderstood (LMM)!  She really changed in character!! Why I call her LMM is because of the first two months of her arrival.  I see it now that it wasn't her acting up those 2 months but it was just that she was misunderstood.  Hence the name!

She turned 4 months last 16 Oct.  Ironic how fast time flies when she is at her best behavior as opposed to that first 2 months.  I cannot get enough of her now...she is the light to my day...in fact both of my princesses are...She is such a delight to look at early morning. She welcomes you with a smile instead of tears.  She greets us with her laughter and allow us to enjoy her before actually claiming for her hunger pangs.

At exactly 2 days into her 4th month, she surprised us all by rolling over her tummy.  She is one strong little petite girl. She is able to lift her head while flat on her back and she doesn't like sitting down cause she prefers to stand for some reason. A girl that cannot wait to grow up, I said. She takes in 7oz of milk now and a slow eater just like mummy.  She enjoys her servings just like me...;p She is also my little silent observer...absorbing like a sponge I presume. There is always something that triggers her interest. A sign of intelligence I read.  She easily gets bored and requires constant entertaining.

She naps 2 hours to 3 hours during the day and have slept 6 hours through the night. All these circumstance is of course when she is absolutely full and well fed.  She still have insecurity issues while sleeping and loves it when a familiar face is around her when she sleeps.  She sleeps longer when this condition is met.

I think I have settled with the fact that she is a petite little girl.  It was tough for me to accept at first cause of my high expectations and I do have them still cause I am just made that way...but that doesn't mean I have given up...I still anticipate her being chubby and will look forward to that.

I cannot wait to see what other surprises she has up her sleeves.  So, bring on month five!

***For both my Princesses***

Maya turned 3 months last 16th September.Phew!!! Felt like such a whirlwind of a journey... I never thought we'd eventually get here actually...

It was a tough 2 months with my 2nd born Princess.  I have to put this on record, even from the moment she was born she really let the world know of her existence and really let us know of her demands.  That day marked the beginning of this crazy journey...

She was never satisfied from the get-go. She wanted to be fed all the time, she was always demanding something...the hospital nurses probably recognizes her crying every time I had to call them to bring her back to the nursery because I was unable to please her...On that note, let me say here that she is one loud crying baby!!Somehow it was also then that I knew that things are not normal anymore...it was then that I got scared thinking and wondering whether I am actually prepared to immerse myself into this reality that wasn't planned - that wasn't what I am built for.

First it was the skin breakouts...they tell me it was allergies...to what I thought?? cause at that point in time she was only on BM...the breakout went away, then it was the painful burps and the gases...they tell me it was the formula milk we were trying out...then there was the infrequent poopings...they said it was lactose intolerance...then came back the rash all over her body...they told me to watch for detergents and possible stimulants...then it was the irregular sleep patterns as she did not sleep/nap for more than 15 minutes during the day, which overtire her that she also could not sleep at night...they told me it's ok just enjoy her cause she is just inquisitive.

All these difficulties the first 2 months and it was slowly eating me on the inside..couldn't tell anybody cause I was ashamed or rather...ashamed of her cause I thought that my babies are all supposed to be perfect.  My first born was a happy baby and I caught on to that current and was oblivious to the fact that this time my baby is not perfect!I guess I did not prepare for the worse. I was fazed by the status quo. My emotional well-being went into a downward spiral.  I knew it was more than the blues. It got even more difficult everyday...too much to handle, too much to bear...I hated everyone around me, hated the fact that they were not helping me solve what was wrong with my baby, or so I thought. I blamed myself for being such a lousy person, such a lousy mother. I kept on wanting to have things back as they were...wanted the norm that I was already used to - just me, hubby and Dan Dan.  I did not sign up for M's moods and tantrums...in my reality, she was supposed to make her entrance and everything was supposed to be smooth sailing from there just as we done it before...I got bitter and angry all the time...she was in the way of everything...I wanted just 5 seconds of rest and that she couldn't give me...why does it have to be all about her? how about me???I took it out on hubby a lot too...I hated myself for doing this to myself...I was tired, exhausted, fatigued and stressed...I think most of all I was angry at her for causing all this ruckus...She was hard for me to accept...

I kept this all inside me...I felt that no one could help me anyway so why bother. There was and still is this void inside of me that felt like I have lost a part of me. That I am not the same person as I was before. I have lost myself and it is never coming back.

There was also this part of me that was holding on strong.This voice that tells me to fight...a voice that convinced me that M is mine and that I love her.  It was this voice that told me to tell someone.  It was this voice that saved me.  It wasn't strong but it was there fighting with me.  It was there telling me to stand strong and gave it my best shot and told me M was worth the fight! M is a blessing...by the works of the Almighty, I was given time...it was written from the start...He granted my du'a for a better career prospect...and He had written it in a way that before this new challenge begin, I would have 'time' to be with my baby. I was reluctant at first but took on this initial challenge...little did I know, all I needed to do was just concentrate on the bigger picture and not dwell on the smaller.  Alhamdulillah, I was able to talk to my mother about my ordeal...she too had sense something was off with me...I had my best friend, who never stopped being concerned of my well being and most of all my husband and my first born who never got tired of dealing with my mood swings and uneasiness...

I got to know M better. I now know what she expects...I now know what she demands of me and I now know that all she needed was for me to open my eyes and my heart and accept her and be excited just like how I was with Daanya.  All she wanted was my attention and my focus on her and listen. Something that I failed to do cause I was too selfish and wanted things to work out for only me. So with that small voice of positivity and with whatever strength I have left, they were my armor. I listened.  Now, I can't seem to tear myself away from her.  I want to make up for lost time.  I put her through too much...too much for just that little person to handle. I am guilty for all the selfishness and for not taking care of myself and handling things much better.  In return she now allows me to love her unconditionally...a feeling that I thought was impossible. Alhamdulillah, Praise the Almighty, Syukur! I don't know if I am truly cured but I hope that I am and everyday I struggle to fight and ward off all the negativity.  It is a lonely battle and so far my sanity is still in tact.  I do find myself getting angry easily but I am a work in progress.  Hopefully, I will be a better mother to Maya more than what she expects me to be. For both my princesses!

Note: At 3 months, Maya is now 5.3kgs, coos and gurgles (loves doing this if you talk to her) and smile since she was 2 months old, taking in 6oz of milk at every feed.poops every 2 days (at the point that this entry was composed she pooped 2 days back to back). Loves her baths now. Holds her head strong since she was 2 days old. Loves to suckle her fingers and lets you know when she is bored and wants to watch tv. She wakes up once at night for her feed and sleeps instantly after.  She has two daytime naps - one in the morning and one lunchtime nap (I read apparently lunch time naps are good for infants with difficulty napping, if you put them down at 12:30-1pm they will eventually learn to nap better and be calmer babies as this is the time that they naturally less productive (http://www.contentedbaby.com/SolvingLunchtimeNap.htm)).  She now follows a routine and I try my level best to stick to that routine.  The first 2 months she sleeps longer with the help of a swing, now we are able to put her down for her naps and sleeps.  She takes the pacifier to help her sleep and only to help her sleep.