Thursday, June 14, 2007


"Robert Louis Stevenson wrote: 'you can not run away from weakness; you must fight it out... or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?'"

They say "Patience is a virtue" true but not in my case. I miss my baby girl, my sweet princess. I have not seen or touched her in 3 days. Those who are avid readers of my postings would probably be wondering why. Let me tell you...I was admitted into SJMC last Tuesday 12th June 2007.Have been having tummy ache since Sunday and when I woke up on Tuesday morning the pain was so unbearable. It was torturous to even walk let alone to carry my Daanya. Hazmy took me to see my obgyn cause we were worried that the cyst she found since my 5th month pregnancy might have burst. After a mutual agreement (I just wanted to rest at home..well that is just me being really stubborn) we decided to call Dr. Siti's clinic to check whether it is ok for us to come in...and when it was confirmed that it is ok, we thought it would be better to go. So we left Daanya with her Tok Sha in Subang and had packed for her just in case she had to stay overnight which in the end she did...but I was relieved that she was in good hands.Anyway, the cyst grew double its size to about 70mm and immediately Dr. Siti said to operate and be admitted under emergency operation. By this time I was in total pain and didn't hesitate much.

I was taken into the operation theater at exactly 8:30pm. It was nerve-wrecking. All horror stories about operations that I've heard all these while kept on playing repetitively in my mind.I was scared. Kept trying to remember all the faces of people I loved as they pushed me into the main theater.Tried to remember their smiles and laughs. Especially the face of my baby. Regretted not kissing her before we left her at Tok Sha's. I have not kissed her since Sunday because I was feeling under the weather and did not want her to catch my virus. But somehow at that point, my only thought was what if this was the end of the line for me and I did not even kiss her. Cried all the way to the theater.Regretted that my mom was not there to see me(she had work outside KL) but appreciated that my dad and brother was there.Hazmy was my pillar.But without Daanya, I felt so incomplete. I really wanted to see her and her daddy both seeing me off. Alhamdulillah the surgery went well...they found that the cyst was not only residing in my right ovary but also there was a small one on my left and on top of that my appendix was so red and almost infected and took that off as well. After 3 hours they tried to wake me up by tapping on my shoulder. Couldn't open my eyes and all I could do was nod or otherwise. I was in absolute pain. Could feel the cut on my tummy and felt like the whole of my insides were ripped into pieces. Once I reached the room and I heard Hazmy's voice, I was a happy camper. but he could not stay as we got a double bedder instead of a single room we requested. And still until now, I am still stuck in this shared room. It was such a relieve to hear his voice although I cannot at all open my eyes. I didn't know what happened next but I did remind Hazmy to sleep with Daanya at Tok Papa and Tok Sha's which he did not and that made me a little bit upset as I always want her to know that if one cannot be with her the other one will and that never will both of us abandon her. This way she will never feel alone even when she's all grown up. The feeling that her parents will always be there for her.

3 days post-op and I am still here in SJMC while my baby daughter is being passed around.So kesian. Right now she is at Opah's (Hazmy's mom's).Oh how I miss her so much!!!I am no more patient. I cannot wait to see her again...and this time I want to kiss her so badly....Mommy misses you baby Daanya that mommy's heart aches every time at the thought of you. It is terrible at night especially when mommy is alone here in the hospital knowing that you are not in my arms where I would cuddle you to sleep. Mommy hates it when I cannot feed you and make sure you get enough milk and see you laugh and smile. Oh, I just hate being apart from you. *Tearing*.................................................................

I believe in Allah and I am sure all these has its silver lining. Mommy will have to get better so that mommy can be a stronger and healthier mother for you.God wants me to be whole and 100% perfect for you and in that I will strive to gain back my health. Looks like it is gonna be back to square one for me...another confinement.This time probably a more painful one because of the cut and wound. *Sigh* But as long as Daanya and Hazmy is with me I feel whole. I will be heading back to my parents' for recovery. Only mama will know best how to take care of me and again she will be sacrificing her leaves to do just that.Alhamdulillah...tak terbalas jasa mama!!!