***Of silver platters and pedestals***

It saddens me to encounter people who seemed to have forgotten their roots. Being in this new position now for 4 months had opened my eyes to a whole lot personalities, traits and vices of people that I have no choice but to work with. It is so sad to see this people so succumbed and so absorbed into their role and position titles just like an actor coming into a character in his play. Maybe I am just naive but what happened to modesty and being humble? What is so wrong about doing a little admin work or clerical work when you are a manager? or what is wrong with preparing the department's budget when you are just an executive and not the Head of Department? How about little old me that has to literally at one point split my body in gazillion pieces just so that I can run tasks as the head, the executive and also the office admin???? I see nothing wrong in doing tasks that is beneath us if it means getting the job done. Nothing wrong with humility, I think it makes people look up to you more at least expand your networks...I don't see why people have to be so calculative and stand for the tag line "it is not in my JD"...Gosh it won't kill you to be seen with low level employees...SO SAD for these people....such disgrace....Thank GOD my parents thought me well...yes, we had it all growing up but to an extent we are not spoilt. We never judge or befriend people because of their power and position. We were raised to be humble and start from the bottom....I am just set to make a good impression and let my work speak for itself. Maybe some would oppose and say "Yeah right, that will get you nowhere!" But at the end of the day I want to be passionate about my work and most of all I want to be sincere in accomplishing my tasks and contribute. I want to be looked as someone dependable not someone whose calculative and be rigid on what is stated on the JD...maybe I am just old fashioned that way...***sigh*** Oh well....

***Baby Dhiren Kumar Lim Vasudevan ***

Sometimes the best of miracles come when you least expect them. My best friend has been struggling with fertility issues ever since she got married. Just at the point of losing hope, one began to think of how wondrous GOD's plans can be. They've both been tested with their own share of challenges and faired. She was ecstatic with the news right before christmas. It was indeed a wonderful christmas and anniversary present for their whole family. I too got really excited and happy with the news. Daanya was just about 9 months and I was just changing her when I received my best friend's phone call bearing good and happy news. I was all smiles. I was happy and cannot help a release a sigh thinking into the future and hope that our kids too can be best of friends....and I started seeing both of us hanging out together with our kids over lunch or tea or dinner and having get togethers where we exchange views and advices on parenting, buying the best gifts or presents for their birthdays together...the works...

And it was a plain weekend...A normal and typical Sunday though it was a Merdeka holiday. I had just completed the normal routine of house chores and was taking a breather, when an SMS came in and read that she was in labor...a series of sms followed giving me the updates and immediately I wished that I was there too to give her the support that she very well deserves.Alas, baby Dhiren was born after a c-section....our very own merdeka baby. Weighing in at 4.10 kg....that is one big baby....

Pat sweetie,
I am so proud of you. Though you had to go through the C-section no matter how hard you fought to avoid it...it is ok...the point is to receive the baby safely and also ensuring your well being. There will be ups and downs and what I call rough patches to go through, but believe me they are all so worth it. There will be sacrifices to be made but believe me it is for the good of your child. You may lose rest and be exhausted all year round and again but we'll do it anyway for the sake of our child. You will get excited waiting for all the spurts and the new and exciting stuff he will learn and able to do. You will get excited giving up your needs just so he can have the best of everything. You will need to leave him behind one day cause you are unable to avoid and spend that whole time away thinking of him. Just a minute and you will find yourself missing him already. You will wish that you did not have to contribute to the household because you'd rather watch and see him grow right before your very eyes. You will understand what our parents went through taking care of us growing up and the hurdle that they have to cross just so we can have what seemed like a perfect life. This will make you appreciate them more. It is going to be a fun yet exhausting roller coster ride and I am here to share with you every single day of it. I am always here for you loyal and supportive. Always at your beck and call...

***A love letter to my sayang***

Dear Sayang,

I love you. I know I tell you every day (sometimes it must seem like every five minutes), but every time I say it I mean the words with all of my heart.

Things haven’t exactly been easy for us. Frustrations have been the name of the game lately, but like we’ve made it through before, I know we can keep making it through. I know we can get everything we want out of life. It might take a while, but we can do it. I can never truly express how much it means to me that you’ve been taking care of me and Daanya like you have. Together we are not always the easiest person to have around, and yet you think more of us than yourself.

Over the last few months I see that you have sacrificed so much for your favorite girls so that we can have the best that life can offer us even if it means to sacrifice your own needs. We thank you and we definitely appreciate all that strive to give. As the years go by, I stop and think about all the memories we've made, the good times we've shared and the love between us that keeps growing. You are not only my husband, but my best friend and soul mate. You are a blessing from above - one that I do not take for granted. You are a wonderful father to our little princess, a wonderful provider and caregiver.

I notice, and I love you for it. I always will.

Come what may, love.

Love always,

Sayang

***nesting???***

Our home is slowly coming into place. I finally get to put some of my own touches into it and am now satisfied that it looks up to my standards...hahahhaha do I sound "bitchy?" Anyway, after a year into our home we never really got around to unpacking and settling in...with Daanya so little then, we just closed one eye. Now that she is a bit older and we feel that it is important for her to settle in a nice home, we finally had enough to get some stuff and decorate the house a bit...the last weekend was an exhausting one for mummy and daddy. But all so worth it and satisfying. It looks now more like a house that is conducive for babies to grow up in...and now looks more like a house a young married couple can settle down in...just a few finishing touches plus the spare rooms to make up...then we are finally settled in...

will post pics soon......

***A clean slate***

I am excited to report that now I commence a new beginning in the subject of my career. Though I love being an academician...I love dealing with the antics of the students under my wings and guiding them treating them more like my younger brothers and sisters, watching them acquire the greater good of knowledge is just a feeling and experience that no one can give you...I remember why I wanted to be the educator that I was...and it was because this is the most noble career that I know of. I don't care what others thought of me...and I simply cannot believe how people undermine us teachers...you cannot believe the remarks some people throw at me when I tell them that I am a lecturer...some of these "makciks" would just respond "Wah senangla kerja mengajar aje" (Wah, teaching is so easy") "tak ada la pressure sangat mengajar ni" (No pressure comes with the job), "tak letih la mengajar, banyak masa free" (Flexible hours therefore you don't get tired from working)...There were times when I would say "Screw you!" I hate it when they think that teaching is the easiest job in the world and to some, they even think that teaching is just for those who cannot accept pressures.....Yes, the hours are flexible..but there are pressures believe me!alot of frustration especially when there are students who don't get what you are trying to convey, those that are simply ignorant to you demands, those who thinks that they are all that like their mummies and daddies own the joint....so many kinds of presonalities and behavior...that is just in the classroom...in the office..so many administrative work to abide to..so many demands to fulfill.

However, sometimes you feel that you need a new challenge. A new drive. A whole new experience and a whole new league. I just came to a point where I was no longer motivated that everything just seemed so "normal" to me. Everything just was not right anymore, I hated to go to work when going to work used to be fun for me because my colleagues were all happy go lucky and our superior was always fighting for us...now it all seemed to be going down in the slumps. Everything now is so rigid, so "don't bend the rules"...consequently the faculty is so quiet and somber. Our new superior hesitate to fight for us and our rights...everybody is encouraged to fill their own performance measures...people started to get competitive, we have leaders bumping heads and leaders thinking that they can get away with murder......It all resulted to me hating being one of the little people...

But God is the Almighty. He had opened opportunities for me before now and then..but I never thought that He would now..especially due to reasons that I am ashamed to disclose. I seem to have it all and for Him to give me this at a time when I really don't deserve it....Time and again He reminds me of His presence and InsyaAllah there have not been a moment that I forget of Him though I am not perfect, I will strive my hardest to fulfill all that He asks...

Now, I am content in a whole new path career wise. I am now running the International Relations department with a whole new position and reporting straight to "man" himself..our President and CEO. This a whole new feeling being in operations. And so far I am adjusting just fine...at least I think so. We'll see from time to time how things go. I pray for only the best as not just anybody gets to be in the President's office so I definitely don't want to waste this opportunity.

***To each their Own***

William Blake once wrote; "There are things that are known and thing that are unknown, and in between, there are doors.

So many things feels unsettled lately. And this post is so overdue. I had to face my inner demons and deal with this uneasiness in my mind and sort out all these balls in the air...I somehow was pulled into this dark place and it was so hard to get out from. Something in my life is amiss. There is something missing. I've always been on top of the game and always know what I want for myself and my life. And lately I feel it all crashing down on me.

I feel like I really don't have it all together. And I keep looking and thinking back of the things that led up to all of these and I cannot help but blame myself for it. I traced back all the decisions and choices, all the path that led me up to this point and wondered why am I here in this place? What is my purpose? Am I being a good person, a good mother, a good wife? Worse of all, I even thought of whether I was supposed to be a wife or even a mother? I feel that there is supposed to be more that I am to achieve..there has to be something more to this life. I feel as though my life lacks the excitement it deserves...I feel that I worked so hard and now whattt??

It feels as though my life has been going through a downward spiral and I don't know when this dark cloud is going to blow over.Call me selfish, I don't care...in reality this is what I am feeling and it is haunting me. I want so much and feels that everything is so limited.

I have my own little family but I feel sad that my daughter is not being brought up the way I want her to. She spends most of her time in a sanctuary of love as I would call it where everything that she does is ok..its tolerable..where people shower her with all that she desires and could even walk away with murder. I know I know she's only 1. and call me dramatic. but if this keeps up we maybe raising a girl that would think her parents are mr. and mrs. bad guys. and every time disciplining takes place she would run to her grandparents and all 3 sets of them. I hate the fact that she is not growing up in the comforts of her own home and sad that whenever we return from the rat race she's not there to welcome us...I don't know how long we can keep this up and yes, little Daanya is attached still to her mummy but I can see her character enveloping and I get dissapointed every time she would slam her body on the floor when she does not get what she wants and cry to get her way. And I hate it that everytime she does that and when mummy and daddy were trying to enforce boundaries, she gets swooped by her lifesavers. Frustrating! It is so frustrating that she is never home long enough during the weekends just so that mummy and daddy can keep up with our chores...yes, there is ironing, cleaning and washing to be done too.......***sigh*** I don't know how long we can keep up with this arrangement.

On top from all of that I feel a downward spiral on my career too. Not that I am not doing well at work...I just don't feel the challenge and excitement for it anymore. I got into my career of choice because it is noble. Now, with the change in direction of the organization, I just lost the motivation and the drive. Maybe going into this was a mistake from the start. Maybe I started in this line too young..I don't know..but somehow I know that this is no longer for me. I do get all excited to be in front of my students and anticipate classes but the reality is that it is hard to feel relevant anymore with a different direction. I need a new challenge. I know that I am built to be significant and liaise, meet and socialize..Lately it has just been too depressing at work.

I feel that whatever significant in my life is taking a detour. I feel so detached from things. Feels like I don't have control on all the outcomes. On top from all of that I still feel like there is a big void. I don't think I know who I am anymore. I wake up every morning losing my sense of purpose, my sense of direction. I need to find my pillar, my foundation. But everytime I do I tend to lose it instantaneously. Why is that? I need to go back and search for my faith and this time I hope to hold on to it. I need some soul and self searching. I need to feel happy again and I need to find myself again. I need to feel alive again. Need to be happy again. Is this depression? I cannot explain this dark cloud hovering over me. I am not expecting a life with me as the protagonist. But I need a life that makes me feel whole and connected. I guess every girl in the process of growing up has all these fantasies and envision her version of the perfect life and I guess mine did not really turn out the way I pictured it. I think realising that I now know that I can do something about it. Maybe finally I can hang pictures on the walls of our home. Hopefully I can come out of this whole.

***Uncle Joe's moment of fame***

My little brother made his debut in TV commercials. He was chosen as the main talent for both brylcreem and digi... I have yet to catch the Brylcreem one but saw the Digi commercial...feels weird seeing your flesh n blood on TV...hehehhe...anyways...I've included here the Digi commercial (the english version)....

Joe, I cannot help but be proud...heheheh no wonder you were tanned during Daanya's party.

***Turning 1 and every thing nice***

Alhamdulillah, syukur...DAANYA AYEESHA IS NOW 1...which also means to say that mummy is also a year older...boo hoo :( I simply cannot even begin to comprehend how fast time flies and how grown she has become. I kind of have been dreading the days to her birthday...I think it is mostly because I am in denial. I want her to stay helpless as she were the few months after she presented herself to the world. I want her to cry for me and needing me regardless whether it is for feeding or comfort. I want to remember her as tiny as she was before, not being able to navigate herself anywhere...always craving for some attention...I loved it when aimlessly and the silliest we have ever been, we would try to make her laugh back then and always always she would give us a smile or laugh in return...I also loved it when we would change her diaper and she would not squirm or be cranky...***sigh*** I so wish that I can have those moments back...she basically has a mind of her own now...she gets cranky and moody when she wants to be, she can be clingy, loving and manja when she wants to be...she would play with her toys on her own and get very territorial probably because we are invading her "me" time...hehehehe...now she naps and sleeps whenever she feels like it...hoo boy there can never be telling her what to do...she only wants to eat when she wants to..everytime we hear a "mamam" means she is ready for her rice cereal or porridge or whatever...queen bee i tell you....she practically runs the show around the house...

I guess it is the same for anyone especially mommies out there to just let go...I harp on things of the past not because I do not want her to grow and progress but probably because everything is just going by too fast and it is difficult to keep up with her. Call me overprotective but it feels as though my sweetheart will soon not want her mummy around anymore...:( now I know why our mothers were always on our backs...***sigh***

Anyway, don't want to be a cry baby about her turning 1...guess one would just have to deal with it and see the other side of the perspective. In turn I will try to be the very best that I can be for her and would always be there for her for all her ups and downs, Insya Allah.

Ok, back to the topic at hand...queen bee's birthday..hahhahaha...months of planning were put into throwing her first birthday party. Juggled a lot of issues pertaining to how we would celebrate her very first birthday...should the party be small with just family members, or should we add best friends to the list and also not forgetting acquaintances...should it be at our place or our parents'?, what food to serve, and many many more...basically we wanted it to be special - a day to remember - a day where we can look back and tell her all about it...so the guest list included people that played a role in bringing her to the world...people that we connected to in more way than one the past year, people that knew her and people that we wanted her to know...so of course that included family and some of our dearest dearest friends. All of them turned up and am so grateful that they did to celebrate with us. There were some who could not make it, we had you in spirit..most of all my bestie, Patricia who left for Melbourne to follow her hubby for a whole year...though I really wanted you to be there...but I understand and thank you so much for your support all the years and especially the past 2 years, while I was pregnant and after..I know it was hard for you but never doubt that you were always and will always be one of the greatest support system for me and hopefully for Daanya as well and vice versa..especially now that you are expecting...I hope that our children will also remain close....***crossing fingers*** . To those who made it...thank you thank you so much for making your presence so that we would be able to let her know that these people matters to us...Aunty Nurul (aka Wo), Aunty Izzy, Aunty Lynn and Uncle Pak Shah, Papa Karim, Uncle Beads, Aunty Tina (aka Sam) and Uncle Pyan, Aunty Rynn and Uncle Nik, Aunty Nina and Uncle Hafiz,Aunty Aimi, Aunty Eryl, Uncle Ji, Uncle Efny, Uncle Arab,Aunty Zai and Uncle Andi...thank you so much for your support. Not forgetting the little ones that came, Abang Gibran, Abang Adam...hehhehe hope that they will be mates growing up.

Acknowledgments are in order for family members who contributed to the party...Atuk K (for the contribution to Daanya's savings...hehhehehe rest assured it is being invested in hopes for hefty returns and also her birthday dress, though later she had to change cause she spilled bubble foam all over it!!!) Opah (aka Hazmy's mom for the laksa and also the contribution to Daanya's savings...hehhehehe), Nenek (my mom - for whatever else food that was on the food table, thank you so much, I couldn't have handled it all, honestly!), Aunty Manja, Uncle Adik, Uncle Joe for the wonderful but too expensive presents...aunty manja..thanks for the help in decorations...Aunty Lynn (hazmy's sis) - thanks for making sure that everything was in order and mainly for taking care of Daanya in preparation of the day of the party...thank you for making sure that she takes a nap before the party so that she won't get cranky...Atuk Jo (hazmy's mom's husband) for your share in her present...

Ok not to digress, much thought were put into the party. All of us woke up early that morning to put the decorations in place. Alot of running and rushing around. Perspiring all of the time. Lucky we had set the time of the party at 3...12 o'clock would've been a lost cause for us.Daanya was probably wondering what is all the fuss about...she was so active the whole morning probably wanting to lend a hand. Especially in bursting all of the balloons :p. The tables and chairs came days before and I got those Disney table cloth to place on top of the table covers given by the contractor. I thought it was a good touch...Easy and reusable. Then came the balloons..helium ones (so that children could bring them home with them) as well as the decorative ones that I had pre-ordered. Also got the Elmo Airwalker to commemorate Daanya's love for the character. Then the main course...the lamb...it was perfect and such a big hit with our guests...Alhamdulillah, money well spent!

I had ordered an Elmo birthday cake for Daanya and Izyan (Jo's gf) had also ordered pretty mini cupcakes for Daanya and had blown candles for both. Blowing the candles on her birthday cake with her was one moment I don't think I will ever forget...

All in all, I thought that it was a success.Something to remember and keep in our memoirs and hopefully when she is old enough to understand, I could tell her all about it.

Daanya,
I want you to know that mummy loves you very much. You are my heart and soul. The pride of my life. One look at you and my troubles melt away. The stresses that I face each day means nothing compared to the time that I spend with you. Mummy is so proud of you and promise you the world to the best of my abilities. I want you to acknowledge that I am only human and there will be times when you will feel the consequences of mummy's and daddy's bad decisions but let me assure you that we will be the strongest people for you to lean against and can alway turn to us for anything and everything. I love you sayang. Mummy's baby girl.

***Parting is such sorrow***

This is a tribute to one of my dear students, Wanda Cipta Prawira. I was shocked to hear of your passing and felt confused why you had to leave us so fast and on such short notice and why had our creator laid out such short path for you. You possess so much potential and I felt so much awaits you in the future and to be taken away in such a manner...Then I thought who am I to question all these...He probably had a bigger plan for you.He definitely loved you more.

Wanda, I had such an experience educating you especially when you showed so much interest. Thank you for giving me a guide of Bandung and sharing with me the ropes when I was there. Till this day, it is still hard for me to accept you being gone. You are definitely one out of many that I will remember. Thank you so much for your presence and thank you for allowing me to offer you advice on your hardships being here in Malaysia. Bandung will never be the same again as it will remind me of you....

***Al-Fatihah***

***2007 - A reflection & Hola 2008***

"Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.'"

Oh my...2007 came and went so quickly that I personally thought I barely exhaled the whole year...There were many many memorable moments and also equally moments that I regretted and really wished didn't happen. hmmm why do I get a feeling that this I am going to go sentimental on this post?

Anyhooo, 2007 marked the 2nd year of our marriage. We definitely faced our fair share of trials and tribulations...and am very proud to say that we are still hanging strong.Of course that there are times when we are faced with so much difficulties, so many downs...I am glad that he is so committed to me and the marriage and know that this is a constant work in progress. I admit that I can be difficult and complicated but often times I love it when you meet me in the middle and understand my convictions and principles.

Delivered Daanya Ayeesha bt Hazmy Hazeman on the 23rd of March 2007. The date that marked 11 years of relationship with Hazmy. Wow, that feels like a gazillion years now...I remember it all too well..how it all started, how we met and what we went through as teens and that transition to adulthood and now, parenthood...Daanya is the perfect embodiment that marks those victorious years that her daddy and mummy stayed loyal and true to each other to this very day...Giving birth to her and enduring those 14 hours of labor have been such a triumph for me in 2007. It was such a wonderful and beautiful experience and looking at her now makes me so proud that she too had battled it out with me that day of March 23rd. My love for her was so immediate and her existence was so anticipated and expected, right on target...God, I just love her so unconditionally.

I experienced having the baby blues for a while after Daanya came. Felt like a total failure most of the time and really thought that I was not up to it..not good enough to take care of her and be a good mum to her that I can never provide enough for her. That she deserved better. There were many interferences at that point during my confinement period (of which I'd rather not repeat). I prayed and prayed that I don't fall into postpartum depression and let whatever I was going through be hormonal knowing that at that point those hormones were probably all over the place. Glad I went through that and learned that for everything I was not good at was only a lesson for me to get better and be a better caretaker for my baby. Our marriage was also tested then and had almost given up all hope and had pictured going through life just Daanya and I.But thank Allah, I did not act so irrationally. Hazmy, the man I fell in love with came through at the end bearing all the qualities and character that I thought was gone and they surfaced just in time for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.Really did not know whether I can do it alone really...but you know lar we tend to overreact sometimes but deep inside I kind of knew that what I decided then was not an overreaction...it was kinda dead set....but now that I reflect back... what marriage is without good and bad, downs and ups,calm and mayhem..

Things pretty much went uphill for me after that...my obgyn found an ovarian cyst during my 5th month pregnancy and as long as the cyst was not proving as an obstruction to the pregnancy, we can just monitor it. Daanya came, went through 44 days of confinement, moved back into our apartment waiting to complete the 60 days maternity leave and then it happened, one morning, had severe lower tummy ache and couldn't walk as it was too painful. Obgyn said "your cyst has twisted and we need to remove it today" cried and cried the whole day that day...worried that I might not be around for Daanya should I don't wake up...horrific, I know just at the thought but that was the reality of it...."what happens if????" kept on replaying in my head like a broken dvd player (haha?).They found another cyst during surgery on my other ovary and removed that as well...saw the pics and the first thing i thought.."OMG"!!it's hugeeeeeeee!!!went through that...secured myself another 40 days leave.....wahhhhh...but at a sacrifice...cannot carry baby D at all until 3 months.Back to my parents we went...So basically I went through 2 confinements in 2007 and that actually took alot from me having being unproductive for almost half the year though some may say that it is good that you have that time to recuperate. Having not being able to carry Daanya basically made me lost it la...I was afraid she could not recognize or remember me.....went into a mild depression especially when Hazmy was not there most of the time...slept alone most of the nights because first, Daanya slept with my parents and second, we were in the midst of moving into our very own place finally and he had to basically moved our stuffs by himself...

One of the perks of 2007 was moving into our new home..it may not be much, sometimes I thought not even up to par with my standards (I am being honest here, so go with me, without judging!)but at what we were earning, we were lucky to be able to even purchase it and call it our own at our age...it's a bit small but actually big enough for just the 3 of us. It was not a newly built house or anything...bought it over from the previous owner at a price below market cause the owner was desperate to sell so that they can move into a bigger home as they had just added into their family a new baby. Nice people. No fuss..Lucky for us actually, we need not spend on fixtures but basically need to spend on repairs and what not...but that's ok for a beginning don't you think. Basically now at the time this post is written, we are finally looking into getting some work done to the house and improving it aesthetically. So slowly lar...bit by bit...as of now, things are still pretty much in boxes...until I get my muse working again and see how I can decorate the place and make it livable and nicer and guests-friendly...hehehehe.

Things were pretty much the same at work...only that I have that nagging feeling that I want to be home taking care of Daanya instead. A norm to a new mummy I bet. So most of times when I have nothing important other than classes, I would just head to the carpark and go home..hehhehe (perks of being an educator!) I was able to be there for her whenever she was sick and took care of her during those times when she was diagnosed with bronchiolitis.Alhamdulillah, she has not had anymore symptoms after that one attack...and it's been 3 months now, Insyaallah...saw every little development and milestones that she went through...everything was rather fast for her..she turned over at 3 months, crawled at 5 months, stood up at 6 months and now waiting for her to take her first step..So as you can see, she doesn't give us very much space to enjoy her developments and I personally think that she is on a mission to keep us on our toes!!!Not much time for relaxing only when she's sleeping. ***sigh***

Had a birthday recently and celebrated our 2nd year of marriage with the presence of the essence of our lives now, Daanya Ayeesha....got a number of memorable, never-to-forget birthday presents from the people I love and as closure to the year that was 2007, a year that holds many many unforgettable memories - an equal balance of highs and lows. I am still standing firm here and moving on from mistakes and picking up from lessons learned. A year that thought me so much to be an adult, to make mistakes as an adult and to make decisions like an adult. Finally it hit me that I have a little one to consider and would want to offer her the world at least my world as imperfect as it can be though I do try my best to make it flawless. Quite proud that I persevered the lows of 2007 and thought that it brought color and made me a stronger person, most definitely.

Bring on 2008! In mind, nothing I would go through after this can challenge my 2007 but I do hope that 2008 will shape me into a better, stronger person, wife and mother. I pray untuk dimurahkan rezeki and success career wise (even if it means a career change!). I want to put so many things behind me and I see 2008 as a jump-start to what lies ahead of me. Last year, I battled alot of personal challenges, this year I want to rise from all that complexities and find my way back to the path that was planned for me. Insya Allah. Other than that, I just want to concentrate on watching Daanya grow (she is turning 1 this year!)..cannot afford to blink cause I may miss something...and most of all be happy and content with the life that I have chosen and the lives I am responsible for.Insya Allah.

***Turning 28 and 2nd year Wedding Anniversary***

I celebrated my birthday last December 31st. It was a very much anticipated and a quiet one. This year I get to commemorate my 28th birthday with my daughter, 9 month old Daanya Ayeesha. So this year it is a bit special and different. I took the day off so that I can spend the day with her and though it was a tiring one (cause she's more active these days and a bit tougher to handle..), I was totally satisfied. We took her to Ikano and The Curve to look for her daddy's anniversary present.

Hazmy has always wanted crocs slippers..and so, I got him his first Crocs. Kesian dia, I bought him flip flops before and now the poor dear would almost slip everytime walking on a slippery/watery surface because the slippers just does not have any grip anymore. So, I was pretty satisfied with my purchase plus it came in a nice Christmas edition paper bag. I did look to see whether they have sizes as small for Daanya but they don't so Daanya will just have to grow faster, so that mummy can get one ya darling?

Me? well, I was blardy shocked when my sis got me my first crocs, together with the clip-on accessories, a nice knee-length quillot (I don't know what you call them but apparently now they are in fashion) and also some nice bangles. This girl I tell you...though I loved her presents and the fact that she really wanted to give me something special but I was so strong with the fact that she should not have spent so much money on me and she should have just saved her money just in case she needs it later. But on the other hand, I did not want to squash her excitement so I just told her not to be too extravagant next time. However, I still love my new crocs....;P

One of my support system aka bestie, Nurul gave me the perfect gift to start my 2008, good enough to motivate me into fulfilling one of my new year's resolution hehehe...a gym ball and a set of weights...yahooooo...sweetie, you are just too much..taktik kotor for calling Manja up and korek rahsia!!!!Anyhooo...I love your present and I still owe you yours since we have not had our meet up...when when????...me miss you!!!

Another bestie, sweet Patricia, she gave me a nice black n white dress...i love it so much...in-line with one of my new years' resolution I will vow to use Nurul's present in order to look good in Pat's present...hehhehehhe. The fit is good sweetie, but I need to trim some of the post-baby flabs so that I can look even better in it...hhehehhehe perasan!!!

Mama and Baba took us all out to dinner..a Japanese dinner but the place that we went to practically sucked so I am not going to mention the name here..so Mama wanted to make it up to me and suggested that we go for hi-tea at Crowne Mutiara and celebrate together with her on her birthday coming 8th Jan. So, that made me feel good...hehhehehe...another opportunity to have dinner together with the fam. I feel that ever since we had Daanya we have not done that enough..My mom has this fear that Daanya will be cranky all the way.......but so far I think her behavior when we have outings to restaurant has been manageable, Thank God!

Saving the best for last...the best birthday present is of course from my dearest Hazmy...first of all for the Solvil Titus watch...I love the fact that he sacrifices for me knowing that I love watches and at every birthday he would give me one watch...but somehow kan sayang, my heart bleeds for that TagHeuer (the one that our maid ran off with, huwaaaaaa). That Tag meant so much to me as it was your hantaran gift...hope that money would fall from the sky for me so that I can replace my lost Tag with a new one...but so far it is not happening!!huhu...but anyway, the titus from you and Daanya was so lovely, I love it...the TGIF dinner was also such a pleasant gesture...it was a birthday and anniversary and new year's dinner celebration all in one...I loved the idea of Daanya celebrating with us and though it was exhausting just to keep her still in the baby chair provided, it was all good and I take it as is...I could not ask for anything different than to have my 2 favorite people on earth with me.
Lastly sayang, the effort you put in for my "other" present is something out of this world. Of course the scheming and planning with my dad and all made it possible and tangible. The present was really a fantasy come true. I wished for something more comfortable for Daanya and us as a family to travel in and the bigger boot space is such a plus!!! *hint hint*. Now finally a family car....

It was such a wonderful and eventful birthday. Celebrating it with our precious little girl made it such a bonus....everything this year was so unexpected so every little detail was like a surprise. I am so content! Happy 28th to me!hehehehhe.

p/s: will post pics soon....when the penyakit malas subsided.

***Escape from Reality***

It was good to get away from the hustle and bustle of our everyday life. December 11th-14th was so anticipated...at least by me...a much needed vacation definitely minus Daanya.Sad as I am about leaving her behind, we unanimously agreed that since it was our first time in Bandung and also weighing out the advices that we got from friends and family telling us that it is not a good place to bring baby and what not, Daanya had to stay. She would be in Taman Tun for the whole duration. It was such a painful thing for me leaving her behind. This was a feeling that a huge part of you will be left behind and knowing that fact you start to imagine the worst...all the what-ifs...What if the plane crashed? what if by some chance we cannot get home? what if she gets sick? what is she misses her mummy? what if her mummy misses her?so many what-ifs...The night before leaving her at my parents, I was hit with a pang of guilt for leaving her and instantly regretted the whole idea and was tempted to cancel the whole thing off...huhu :( It was a terrible night...barely slept thinking of her.

At the wee hour of the morning, 11 December, reluctantly both Hazmy and I left for LCCT. I left with the resolution that the main reason for going in the first place is to buy clothes for Daanya and I will do just that.So off to Bandung we went......half-heartedly...:(

We arrived to a military airport with a very short runway...takuttttt...suddenly I had the urge to pee..huwaaaa the horror stories I heard about their public toilet. But at that point I cannot hold it any longer!!! I left Hazmy with the filling-up documents task and it was sad that everybody had to cramp in such a small viccinity to fill up forms...berpeluh jugaklah....ok, back to the "i-have-to-pee" issue...went to the toilet and only had to berserah with the water...they only had a tub with water in which you have to use the ladle(gayung) to wash up and NO tissue!!!! huwaaaaaa...I am going to have to leave you to your imagination of what I had to do after.....huhu :(

Ok, so when all in the airport was settled, our driver was already waiting and off we went to Sukajadi hotel...on the external the hotel was very promoting...but the rooms and toilet and service was a bit on the minus side to my taste la...the first thought after looking at our room, "Nasib baik tak bawak Daanya!" but anyways, I just imagined as though we were back-packing...hahahha..let your imagination run wild!!!! heee yah!

First stop, pasar baru...I went crazy here....all the materials and kain...literally went berzerk!!!In the end, I bought 6 pasang kain, 3 of which is for me and the other 3 is for Hazmy's baju melayu Thank you mummy tedi for your kind assistance and great discounts!!!hahahhahah I spent about 800 000 rupiah here...

Next off the Merdeka factory outlet...went absolutely insane here as well....many many choices for baby clothings and apparels and cheap...from Carter's, to mothercare, to Osh Kosh, to Guess and many many more.....spent about 500 000 rupiah here....and got soooooo many baju for Daanya.

Last stop for the day, Rumah Mode...by far my favorite place...here I did not only went insane...I lost my insanity completely ...hhahahahahhaha baby's clothes from the range Esprit, Levi's, Polo, Osh Kosh, Guess, Carter's....actually spent 1 over million rupiah here......

Heritage Factory outlet was also good...not alot of baby clothes but alot of brands like LaCoste, Polo..bought for myself some LaCoste tops and for Hazmy also a LaCoste t-shirt. Here we spent about 300 000 rupiah.

At Solutions Factory Outlet was where I got the Guess Handbag I've always eyed since I first saw it in Malaysia (MetroJaya, The Curve). In Malaysia, the particular bag cost almost RM600, and of course we got it for RM370 after the rate conversion.Not too shabby for an original kan?
Thanks yang for forking the bill...I was really reluctant at first to get it but Hazmy insisted...so...apa lagi..hehhehe.

So on and on it went for the days to come..many many more shopping...but the five places above are my absolute favourites by far.

The last day, we went to Tangkuban Perahu.This is where the inactive volcano is.....and it was amazing just to see the smoke from the inactive volcano filling the air and surprised at how cold it actually was...vendors selling key chains and mementos were all so aggressive...to a point that I got really really scared. But we took some nice photos here...

Food wise, we went to some good restaurants that offered Sundanese food...my favorite was probably Kampung Daun especially for the ambience...we ate in huts accompanied by the presence and sound of the waterfall...beautiful! Of course my favorite will have to be the Padang food..yum yum...we went to a number of places but the one that we went to our final night was the best...but for the life of me I cannot remember the name of the restaurant. Oh well....

All and all I had great fun and satisfaction. Especially since I knew that I bought plenty of bajus for Daanya that could last her probably until she's 2. I felt so relaxed and of course what they say is true...Nothing better than retail therapy...hehhehehe..

Of course nothing is more anticipating than going home and see your baby...and when we did, that was the greatest joy, the greatest satisfaction ever....now I know what our mums must have felt when they are separated from their children...and I think from here on in...I am never going to leave her behind.......

will post pictures soon!

***Daanya @ 8 & 9 months***

This is definitely without any doubt a backdated post. I will make it a brief one and let pictures do the talking or rather blogging...

My darling Daanya's development or milestones have made me so proud. she is now able to stand on her own but lacks the confidence to do so...she is still taking 8 oz of milk and sometimes she can go on from 10-13 depending on the kind of day she had. She is now taking solids and loves the Holle organic baby food range that mommy buys for her especially pumpkin and rice (mommy stopped buying gerber eversince she found out that it is not gluten-free). Daanya loves her apple juice from Heinz to take with her food and also the occasional ribena that mommy gives (luckily enough she is not prone to go into "excessive happiness" mode every time she takes her ribena in!!!**phew**). She is now able to hold her milk bottle all on her own and chucks it everytime she is done...

Oh, and she now has 2 very sharp front teeth in which she uses mommy's fingers as her tooth sharpener...*sigh*. She has also learned some vocab..of course she cannot say them yet but she knows what they are...you see she has these bath toys that we got her from tesco and it comes in the shapes of animals...we got her a red seal, a green frog (of which she knows as her Mr. frog), a blue dolphin and a green hippo. put this in line she is able to pick out those that we call out...like" where's your hippo daanya?" she will turn pick up the green hippo...and so on...she somehow turned out to be a big Barney fan and gets excited when we turn the dvd on and would pay full attention when the songs from the dvd comes on. She can also do they "Allahuakbar" action like we do in our prayers (thought by the Taman Tun clan, hehehe) and would clap her hands whenever we say "clever girl!".

She has just learned the "bye-bye" action and every time she is in a car or a car drives by she would just do the "bye-bye" action. Turning 9 months, mummy can see that she is very picky to whom she chose to cling to though she clings on me the most and never let me out of her sight...just going to the loo for a split second and she would wail and cry...she loves being in the presence of her mummy and daddy and somehow behaves better when under our care. She is recognizing faces now and loves the fact that she is learning on "cause and effect" where she would do something like "slapping-daddy-on-his-face-action" and see how daddy would react and when daddy reacts a certain way, she would laugh and repeat it and laugh again....*sigh*

I feel that time passes so fast...in just 3 months she will be one...and I am already missing the days before she learned to crawl, to sit, to stand, the days when she was unable to throw her voice (you cannot imagine how big her voice is and how loud she can be now....especially if she wakes up at 6:30 in the morning and alerting the whole of bukit jelutong to wake up with her!!)those times when she would take her milk and sleep right after...I feel that they grow up too fast...and this makes me feel sad that it is going to be soon that she jumps off the car and head for school and demands mummy and daddy for allowance money..hahhahahaha....