***Little Miss Misunderstood @ 4 months***

She is my little Miss Misunderstood (LMM)!  She really changed in character!! Why I call her LMM is because of the first two months of her arrival.  I see it now that it wasn't her acting up those 2 months but it was just that she was misunderstood.  Hence the name!

She turned 4 months last 16 Oct.  Ironic how fast time flies when she is at her best behavior as opposed to that first 2 months.  I cannot get enough of her now...she is the light to my day...in fact both of my princesses are...She is such a delight to look at early morning. She welcomes you with a smile instead of tears.  She greets us with her laughter and allow us to enjoy her before actually claiming for her hunger pangs.

At exactly 2 days into her 4th month, she surprised us all by rolling over her tummy.  She is one strong little petite girl. She is able to lift her head while flat on her back and she doesn't like sitting down cause she prefers to stand for some reason. A girl that cannot wait to grow up, I said. She takes in 7oz of milk now and a slow eater just like mummy.  She enjoys her servings just like me...;p She is also my little silent observer...absorbing like a sponge I presume. There is always something that triggers her interest. A sign of intelligence I read.  She easily gets bored and requires constant entertaining.

She naps 2 hours to 3 hours during the day and have slept 6 hours through the night. All these circumstance is of course when she is absolutely full and well fed.  She still have insecurity issues while sleeping and loves it when a familiar face is around her when she sleeps.  She sleeps longer when this condition is met.

I think I have settled with the fact that she is a petite little girl.  It was tough for me to accept at first cause of my high expectations and I do have them still cause I am just made that way...but that doesn't mean I have given up...I still anticipate her being chubby and will look forward to that.

I cannot wait to see what other surprises she has up her sleeves.  So, bring on month five!

***For both my Princesses***

Maya turned 3 months last 16th September.Phew!!! Felt like such a whirlwind of a journey... I never thought we'd eventually get here actually...

It was a tough 2 months with my 2nd born Princess.  I have to put this on record, even from the moment she was born she really let the world know of her existence and really let us know of her demands.  That day marked the beginning of this crazy journey...

She was never satisfied from the get-go. She wanted to be fed all the time, she was always demanding something...the hospital nurses probably recognizes her crying every time I had to call them to bring her back to the nursery because I was unable to please her...On that note, let me say here that she is one loud crying baby!!Somehow it was also then that I knew that things are not normal anymore...it was then that I got scared thinking and wondering whether I am actually prepared to immerse myself into this reality that wasn't planned - that wasn't what I am built for.

First it was the skin breakouts...they tell me it was allergies...to what I thought?? cause at that point in time she was only on BM...the breakout went away, then it was the painful burps and the gases...they tell me it was the formula milk we were trying out...then there was the infrequent poopings...they said it was lactose intolerance...then came back the rash all over her body...they told me to watch for detergents and possible stimulants...then it was the irregular sleep patterns as she did not sleep/nap for more than 15 minutes during the day, which overtire her that she also could not sleep at night...they told me it's ok just enjoy her cause she is just inquisitive.

All these difficulties the first 2 months and it was slowly eating me on the inside..couldn't tell anybody cause I was ashamed or rather...ashamed of her cause I thought that my babies are all supposed to be perfect.  My first born was a happy baby and I caught on to that current and was oblivious to the fact that this time my baby is not perfect!I guess I did not prepare for the worse. I was fazed by the status quo. My emotional well-being went into a downward spiral.  I knew it was more than the blues. It got even more difficult everyday...too much to handle, too much to bear...I hated everyone around me, hated the fact that they were not helping me solve what was wrong with my baby, or so I thought. I blamed myself for being such a lousy person, such a lousy mother. I kept on wanting to have things back as they were...wanted the norm that I was already used to - just me, hubby and Dan Dan.  I did not sign up for M's moods and tantrums...in my reality, she was supposed to make her entrance and everything was supposed to be smooth sailing from there just as we done it before...I got bitter and angry all the time...she was in the way of everything...I wanted just 5 seconds of rest and that she couldn't give me...why does it have to be all about her? how about me???I took it out on hubby a lot too...I hated myself for doing this to myself...I was tired, exhausted, fatigued and stressed...I think most of all I was angry at her for causing all this ruckus...She was hard for me to accept...

I kept this all inside me...I felt that no one could help me anyway so why bother. There was and still is this void inside of me that felt like I have lost a part of me. That I am not the same person as I was before. I have lost myself and it is never coming back.

There was also this part of me that was holding on strong.This voice that tells me to fight...a voice that convinced me that M is mine and that I love her.  It was this voice that told me to tell someone.  It was this voice that saved me.  It wasn't strong but it was there fighting with me.  It was there telling me to stand strong and gave it my best shot and told me M was worth the fight! M is a blessing...by the works of the Almighty, I was given time...it was written from the start...He granted my du'a for a better career prospect...and He had written it in a way that before this new challenge begin, I would have 'time' to be with my baby. I was reluctant at first but took on this initial challenge...little did I know, all I needed to do was just concentrate on the bigger picture and not dwell on the smaller.  Alhamdulillah, I was able to talk to my mother about my ordeal...she too had sense something was off with me...I had my best friend, who never stopped being concerned of my well being and most of all my husband and my first born who never got tired of dealing with my mood swings and uneasiness...

I got to know M better. I now know what she expects...I now know what she demands of me and I now know that all she needed was for me to open my eyes and my heart and accept her and be excited just like how I was with Daanya.  All she wanted was my attention and my focus on her and listen. Something that I failed to do cause I was too selfish and wanted things to work out for only me. So with that small voice of positivity and with whatever strength I have left, they were my armor. I listened.  Now, I can't seem to tear myself away from her.  I want to make up for lost time.  I put her through too much...too much for just that little person to handle. I am guilty for all the selfishness and for not taking care of myself and handling things much better.  In return she now allows me to love her unconditionally...a feeling that I thought was impossible. Alhamdulillah, Praise the Almighty, Syukur! I don't know if I am truly cured but I hope that I am and everyday I struggle to fight and ward off all the negativity.  It is a lonely battle and so far my sanity is still in tact.  I do find myself getting angry easily but I am a work in progress.  Hopefully, I will be a better mother to Maya more than what she expects me to be. For both my princesses!

Note: At 3 months, Maya is now 5.3kgs, coos and gurgles (loves doing this if you talk to her) and smile since she was 2 months old, taking in 6oz of milk at every feed.poops every 2 days (at the point that this entry was composed she pooped 2 days back to back). Loves her baths now. Holds her head strong since she was 2 days old. Loves to suckle her fingers and lets you know when she is bored and wants to watch tv. She wakes up once at night for her feed and sleeps instantly after.  She has two daytime naps - one in the morning and one lunchtime nap (I read apparently lunch time naps are good for infants with difficulty napping, if you put them down at 12:30-1pm they will eventually learn to nap better and be calmer babies as this is the time that they naturally less productive (http://www.contentedbaby.com/SolvingLunchtimeNap.htm)).  She now follows a routine and I try my level best to stick to that routine.  The first 2 months she sleeps longer with the help of a swing, now we are able to put her down for her naps and sleeps.  She takes the pacifier to help her sleep and only to help her sleep.

***Liberty***

One more day before confinement ends.  This time around, I had vowed to go through the traditional Malay "pantang" in full force.  And that I did.  Though the results are rather satisfying and one must be equipped with the strongest of wills. 

For me recuperating is not the problem...I think the 2nd week in I was already strong enough, of course there were glitches here and there especially with the "urut urat" the first 10 days of my confinement.  The obstacle for me is getting used to Yaya's rhythm (I dcided to call her that!).  Yaya too probably went through a rough 30 days..well not probably, I confirm that she did go through a rough 30 days especially on day 30...

I think the problem was that there were too many distractions that probably caused me not to be able to get hold or get to know her better...of course 30 days is a tad bit too immature to be making any conclusions but at this 2nd last day, that I finally got the best advice and allow me to be able to take it all at a different light. A bit too late? I hope not...

With Dan Dan, I had ample time to get to know her, to know her rhythm and her patterns cause I pretty much had her to care for independently and there wasn't any distractions. I concentrated on her 100%.  The challenge with Yaya was adjustment.  I had to adjust with the fact that Dan Dan is 3 and it is the attention seeking age...I was too busy balancing everything.  Making sure Dan Dan gets the attention, making sure that Yaya's needs are met and at the same time meeting my needs too...I was distracted with making sure the routine is established and of course being a true Capricorn, that routine cannot be messed with else all else would fail.  And true enough, that was what happened...

Only towards the end of the confinement days that I realized that things would be much easier if I played it by ear...of course there were breakdowns...a lot of which in the shower where I cannot help but bawl my eyes out!!!(the only "me" time I could get!)  By this time there were too many negativities in me that I even thought of walking away...scolded myself for wanting this...at the same time blaming myself for being such a useless mother...

But at this 2nd last day, our paed gave me the best advice which I thought was 30 days late but nevertheless I'll take it in...He said, "...it is because you already have the fear in you after what had happened and now you tend to be over protective and over analyzing things...Yaya is an inquisitive baby! (showing us how Yaya is inspecting paed's consultation room.) Why put her to sleep when she doesn't want to? Let her observe her surroundings, let her take it in and she will let you know when she wants to sleep...why bother making sure that she burps after feeding just because our grans tell us to?If after 5 minutes nothing happens, I wouldn't worry about it...it will come out eventually...why worry if she doesn't poo everyday, even if it is every other day, her poop is not with diarrhea substance and there is no blood with the poop, and with a max of 3 days of not pooping, she is fine...as for her painful gas and the rash, I recommend I.s.o.m.i.l cause it is so obvious that she is lactose intolerant. Try it out, and you will find your life will be less agonizing..."

Best advice I ever got throughout this whole 44 days...From his advice I also concluded that I need to be less of a control freak and enjoy that my baby is here and that we all should enjoy her arrival.  If things don't work out, it is ok, take a breather and learn to take it all in and gain the experience from it.  Stop comparing Yaya to Dan Dan!!! The experience is not the same!!! 

This will remain as a mental note from henceforth...

Anyway, happy liberty to me!!!I survived 44 days of confinement...have not gotten to the weight i want yet but in due time, hopefully...Going out today even for my post natal check up was so liberating and I was able to release some stress - to be able to see the outside of my house was such a sight...It was breathtaking and definitely a stress reliever! Woo saaaaa....

***Realization***

My baby, Princess M turned 1 month last 16th July.  Turn of events that took place on that day will probably remain fresh in my mind till the end of time. And I mean that literally...

It was a day to rejoice that we lasted a month but instead things happened as God will them to be even though you planned it differently.  

It was a day I realized how much fear I have at the thought of losing my children.  It was also a day I realized how much love I have for my children..to a depth that I thought was impossible and I have never seen before. 

It was something I regret and I am really praying and hoping that I won't have to make up for it...if I do it will be something I have to commit to my entire life.

Maya, I truly apologize for the bad judgment call. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. I love you with all my heart and I will probably feel this regret my entire life. Like your sis you are my angel and I would sacrifice myself for only the best for you. Never a day that go by that I don't truly regret what happened.  People say it is normal and that I have nothing to worry about...but these things don't happen to me...so I totally blame myself...I love you my baby...with all my heart and soul...

***Parenthood***

I am a big fan of the show.  Even the adverts that promotes the show where the talents answer what parenthood means to them...

Ever since Maya came, my whole idea on parenting has somewhat changed.  We get away with thinking "Oh this one will not be any different than the first one!" I know now that each child you bring into the world is unique. Different in every sense of the word.  They have their own characteristics that makes you fall in love all over again...I think this is why each child is special.

I have always devoted that I will raise my children so that they will be exposed to what life could offer so that they can learn from their own experiences.  I never want to be a hovering mother, I still vow to never be one! Discipline is still very important and you still need to discipline your child when need be.

I knew and still remember well how I was brought up...my brother and I were brought up with the strictest of discipline, old school style I would say...my mother was the disciplinarian of my parents.  Everything we did wrong would have its repercussions. And being always curious, we would get ourselves into a whole lot of mess....and we always faced our music...mom was a bit liberal on the other two...probably because much of it is left to us older ones to overlook on their well being...the advisors...but I think now that we are all grown up, the disciplining worked!Not that I am a total angel...but I know my right from wrong because that guilty conscience will always be there to bug me...and I am so grateful to mom for turning me into this person I once never thought I could be.

But I have a different outlook for my kids.  I think it was because I came from such a strict upbringing that I don't want the same for my kids.  It is still important though for them to have that fear of you...I always note this to myself.  They need to fear you so that they will know who is boss. So that they will listen.  Princess D gets away murder as far as our parenting goes. Yeah, nothing to be proud of yet...she tests and tests and tests hoping that you will falter to her bellows. A person close to us said to me, you have to be cruel to be kind, and yes I believe in that as hard and difficult it may seem.

It's always trials and errors this parenting..there will be mistakes, there will be days where you make those mistakes and feel like a total jacka$$, there are days where you'll come out of it like the most incapable moron, then there will be triumphant days and you pat yourself on the back and assure yourself of a job well done...hubby and I have a looooong way to go and there are many obstacles to hurdle...it takes a gazillion sacrifices, it takes realizing the reality that there are no more rest days, no more lazy days...let's see how this goes second time around...*crossing finger*

***...and she is Maya Arissa***

Announcing the arrival of our latest addition to the family...Maya Arissa Bt. Hazmy Hazeman.  Our latest precious was born 16 June 2010, 10:03pm at 3.48kgs equivalent to 7.7 lbs.

Weeks to her arrival had been so anticipated and longed for by all. All members of the family that would love her straight off.  Hubs and I had done all necessary.  We moved into the new house very well on schedule so that we could all be comfortable and acclimatized to the new surrounding. All boxes were unpacked and all appliances installed just in the nick of time. I managed to have 2 weeks of total rest in anticipation of her arrival. All in all everything was in place.

That very Wednesday of the 16th, hubby and I went to our weekly appointment with Dr. S in SDMCSJ as scheduled.  That very morning my mucous plug had ruptured which was very alien to me really cause I did not experience any of the sort with Princess D.  Consulted my bestie and she said it is an early sign of labor which could span a day to a week. Ok i thought no need to panic...So at the Doc's clinic, explained to her what happened with the mucous plug and after her routine examination she said that I was already 3-4cm dilated. To my surprise...the same thing happened when I was preggers with D.  Dilated but no physical pain!  And the very advice I shudder to hear came..."Since everything is already in place and you are already dilated that much, we could wait one or two days before you actually are in labor or we could minus the wait and go in today..." suddenly, all the torture and pain from delivering D came back as a refresher...."Oh no, does that mean meds again doc?" and yes was her reply.I was hoping we'd never hear that word this time around. I wanted everything to be "au natural" and really experience the truly "normal" kind of delivery...I was a bit disappointed not that I couldn't wait but because we were given the choice...and I did not want to make that choice. Here in one hand, I really do want Maya to arrive though 5 days earlier...but on the other hand, like I said I wanted it to be "normal" in every essence of the word.  I couldn't make the decision so I left it to hubs.

Of course, he being him, told the doc, let's do it, why wait?? *sigh* Oh boy, here we go again, I thought. Doc told us to go home and prepare whatever necessary reminding me to have a big lunch and to head straight to the labor ward at 3pm.  Nervous definitely I was.  All the way home and back to the hospital I kept comforting myself that this was the right decision.That it was meant to be.

In we went at 3pm.  Kind nurses and caretakers of the labor ward immediately started with all necessary procedures.  Made me nervous even more as they were all too familiar...so fresh like it was just yesterday. The enema, the poking on my all so crooked veins, the rupture of the amniotic sac, the invasive intrusions into your *you-know-where*....all too familiar!!!

The whole time lying on that labor room bed I kept wondering whether this will be a 14 hour gig again. But all hail! Thank you to the Almighty...we went in at 3pm felt no pain from the meds until 7:30pm. Even text my mom and asked why am I feeling no pain 4 hours in...8pm while hubby was performing prayers I called in the nurse for the painkiller jab.  Jabbed me they did and readied the gas...apparently at the time I was only 6 cm dilated.  I remember that distinct moment...hubby came back and a series of pain came and gone...9:45pm, I was dilating at 7cm, too early to push I thought. Got annoyed when hubby asked "Yang, do you feel like you want to push?" I irritatedly said no, not yet...but a split second later told him to get the nurse cause I want to push...nurse came in and at an instant 7cm turned to 9cm over probably 2 minutes span. I was frantic cause I wanted to push really really bad but the nurse told me not to, not until the ever committed Dr. S came. I remember not being bothered by the nurses cause helloooooo the push is automatic!!!!!4 pushes and roughly 18 minutes later, she came...our little fighter...our little speedy gonzales (hehehe)...10.03pm and she graced us with her presence...lovely!!!Alhamdulillah...The Almighty had never left my side, hubby was so supportive, I couldn't have done it without them...and of course the Doc and the labor room staffs...

She is so lovely...she is such a gift...I saw the look that hubby gave her and it was a look full of pride...and I was instantaneously overjoyed.  Maya Arissa is the name we have chosen for her...a name that means Bright Princess. Such a precious gem she is.  Now, we have two wonderful princesses...life is going to be a lot tougher with a lot more challenges, but having the presence of our two daughters with each their own antics, challenges we'll face...how can life be a bore right??

***In Actuality***

I have been putting off having to write updates.  Not because I have absolutely nothing to write, I have gazillion things to say...but in actual fact I felt that time was just too limited with so many things going on in our lives right about now.  To a point that things are a tad bit too overwhelming to have ourselves go through....However, I have to take it all with a grain of salt focusing on the "bigger" picture!!  This is for the best of our little family and if it takes for mummy and daddy to be tired, exhausted and broke so be it!!

I am now in my 33rd week of pregnancy...just a stones' throw away before things become even more chaotic!!hehehe.  So much anxiety at this point. Not to a state of panic just yet but slowly getting there....I have to really begin getting her stuffs soon...or else she is going to come to world without her essentials and may spark some psychological effect there..hehe...lately I have been bogged with this inner feeling of insecurity whether I will be a good mummy this 2nd time around. Whether we will provide for her with the best just like we did her elder sister (who is still reigning queen, by the way, with no sign of stepping down!!!)and also whether we or at least I will be able to love her the same like the reigning queen...All these insecurity scares me a bit...or am I over-thinking things???Honestly, the feeling just popped out of no where and as the time draws nearer, the more insecure I get...which scares me a little well a lot....I do hope this is normal...definitely will try my best to fight all negativity and know that all has been written and this "rezeki" (livelihood) has its purpose, I am sure of it...I do know that I am and have been so blessed and while He tests those He knows capable, the past 33 weeks has come and gone with its fair of challenges and definitely with progress worth waiting for...

If you are unable to guess by now, yes, it will be a girl for us again this time!!!Yeay!!! I have pictured it in my head how D and baby sis would get along, how they will be best friends and share secrets together and be inseparable, just like those shows we see on TV...oh I am so praying hard that they'll be the best of friends!!! Queen D has been throwing tantrums lately and at the same time being very "manja" or rather clingy. Other than that what shocked us while observing her character day to day is that she suddenly develops this motherly/sisterly behavior.  You see, she has this baby doll that she never cared for before who is now her "baby"...she pampers the baby, makes pretend milk for the baby, pushes her baby in the miniature stroller, consoles the baby when it cries and etc...so cute witnessing this....i guess intrinsically she is somewhat preparing herself????That would be a way to look at the positive right??Better than ignoring it all together, I suppose...hehe. Let's see how this will fair at the end....

The new abode's renovation works is almost reaching its completion.I thought it would never end and we will never get to move in before the baby's arrival.Hubby wants to begin the whole moving process soonest possible as he has tonnes of work piling up and awaiting for him this month...so the sooner we move in the better he will get to coordinate his hours at the office.  So, I anticipate a whole lot to take place within this 2 weeks and knowing the urgency I cannot let my "control freak" nature take over....hubby seems to have it all in his head....my concentration at this point would be to focus on the pregnancy and baby's arrival...though I must say that I am almost freaking out about moving into a house with no curtains, or kitchen top and sinks and taps (the kitchen people will only install these a week after the cabinet has been installed) and the thought of possibly washing D's bottles in the toilet sink?????...arrghhhh!!! I just hope that things will go according to plan......huhu....

On the career front, things has been looking up quite a bit...the department head re-structured the department putting me under the supervision of a manager and I must say, things are so much more structured now...at least my manager has paved a direction for our unit and all is such bliss cause she is so professional and understanding...

Beyond that I have also been circulating my resume...so far the prospect is quite good and pregnancy is not a hindrance apparently to be called in for interviews...so I am praying hard for something to transpire out of this...something good and prospective.

To be continued....

***And She turned Fabulous 3**

"Alhamdulillah, Praise to Allah the Almighty for all the He has blessed us with!"  

Our precious little Royal Highness turned 3 last 23rd March 2010. Oh my! I won't even begin to express how fast time flies though it is very much cliche but it is a natural fact.  Time seems to fly by even faster when you have a kid it seems...

We celebrated with a small intimate get together of just family...and it was perfect.  I would never have it any other way... We went with the D.isn.ey P.rincess theme this year as Her Royal Highness has develop an avid interest for the characters and not forgetting the movies.  This year we decided to order a D.isn.ey P.rincess cake from S.ecret Re.cipe because of the disappointment of ordering through a blog from the year before.  Though the cake had a beautiful outlook, the cake was so dry and tasteless..oh well...you learn from your mistakes right???

I am so grateful to the Almighty for granting us this 3rd year with our precious princess.  She has brought so much light and happiness in our lives and am so appreciative that she is and will always be my first born.  I am truly proud of her and her developments. Truly proud of her maturity and how she lights up my everyday with her antics.  Dan Dan, mummy loves you with all my heart and soul...and I can never imagine living my life without you in it.  Continue to make mummy and daddy proud and hope that in turn we too have made you proud.

***Wishing on the star***

This is actually a wish list post of the things I wish to have for this baby 2nd time around.  I am now closing in on the 28th week of pregnancy and somewhat excited on the arrival of our new addition to the family.***grin***

So here are some of the items on my wish list which is non-exhaustive that's for sure!!

I want I want I want!!!

***Life's Purpose***

I was off from work yesterday. Being pregnant gets the doc's empathy everytime...So, like all the other days when I am unwell, I decided to declare the day a lazy day...catch with the idiot box and old movies...

After hubby left for work, I began my conquest of a lazy day...and it started with an episode of Oprah...it was an episode where Ms. Oprah and her guest Marianne Williamson talked about and explored the miracle of midlife.  Though I may be no where near, but the topic sparked my interest and somehow intrigued me. It made me realize the many things about myself that I have yet to explore and at the same time made me ask myself alot of questions that somehow I just did not have any answer for....

You see, I have been in a rut of a situation...career wise...where do I begin?? In all honesty...I seriously do not know what my forte is...people at work including my superiors say I am excellent at communicating and that I do it very well...they also told my that my excellence also reside in my desk work outputs...in my recent appraisal, my superior told me that I produce excellent paperwork and that I have never failed him when all that he needed from my unit were all at my fingertips. Though I am thankful that I have that, but it does not satisfy me cause with guilt, every time someone praises me exactly that, I have no feeling of content nor satisfaction not at the slightest bit. Not because I want to be better but because I don't find love or passion in what I do...I am half type A and naturally whatever I do, I want to do the best and a poor outcome out of my endeavors are never accepted.  This ironically was also how I was trained as I was growing up.So yes, I find no passion in my work and tasks in the office, no satisfaction, never complacent about what I do...to me it is just a job that would pay the bills.Bottom line, it is very text book - I have to work, I have to have a job cause I have bills to pay and a family to help support.

This has somehow over the years, caused my to be very depressed when it comes to matters of career.  I do observe friends of mine who has found passion in what they do and I so long for something or rather a career that I can be passionate about and proud of. A career rather than a job!

So, watching this particular episode of Oprah has made realize how they urge their audience to find their life's purpose...In this episode there were a lot of testimonials of women who were inspired and had career changes at 40 or 50...some left their corporate career of 6 figured incomes to open a flower business and some of course were still in search...the key was to search for your life's purpose...to begin the search and never say it is too late cause it is never too late...I want to do that! I want to search for what my purpose is...I know I cannot stay in this rut forever and let it be mundane eventually...I can't go on the remainder of my young life not trying...I am a super fighter and used to be an achiever...what happened to me?

Of course, the opportunities that lies out there never helps...it is a dog eat dog world and also a who you know world...why is it that nobody wants to give you a chance to learn? and the opportunity to be good at what you do though you might be a newbie and let you grow from that? This whole career issue has always been my 100 tonnes burden...and I always end up at a dead end...and at that dead end, I always resort to "As long as I get my check at the end of the month!"  or "I am lucky to even have a job and to be where I am" so I end up giving up and taught myself to be complacent. Just typing that makes me feel depressed....

But you see,I never used to be that way...I used to go after what I want...it makes me feel even worse that I do not what am I supposed to be doing????????This question seems to make a comeback every time!!! Aside from work, I love being at home with my family...I love playing my daughter, I love taking care of things at home...I love making sure that our priorities as a family are always in tact...I love being a part of the decision making for the best of my family...I find much content in domestic issues of the household knowing that all this has its purpose...where as at work, I am not after anything...just do my job like what is expected of me and to please people depending on what I do and what I produce.........

So, how do I begin finding this life's purpose when I do not know where to begin...I do not know what am I good at? Dropping everything and starting fresh is not an option...though I credit an advice from the loving Nurul to do so...She said "Kak, all will fall into place,He will guide you" though I am tempted to do so, I just can't...

This is what I know so far...yes, I am good with communicating with people..I always make sure that my desk work outputs are immaculate, I always have this creative spark in me that somehow I want to unleash but I don't know what exactly those talents are cause I dabble a lot...I also have this urge to be free and not be confined...

I just need to work on it more...but I know that things must change and to think about "me" for a change...THINGS MUST CHANGE!! for me to be a whole and complete...

***O' wishlist!!!***

Since January began, we have been cracking our heads thinking of layout designs and decor for the new house.  It is tougher this time around cause we finally found an empty house and finally able to put our own touches onto the house.  Unlike this present one that we purchased where everything had been there we only needed to move in with a couple of essentials, our clothes and ourselves!!hehe.  We purchased this present house thinking that it was perfect since we got it when we got engaged and at that point in time it was a worthy purchase considering we were just starting out in life.  Now almost 5 years into our lives together with a 3 year old toddler in tow and one in the oven, we thought it was perfect timing to look further into the future.

The new purchase right now is like a blank canvas. I have all these ideas and I very much wish that I can have the best of everything!!!Eversince the purchase, I have been collecting all sorts of inspirations with so much hope and anticipation that I am able to imprint them into our new house.  Let me share with you some of those ideas and hopefully with my fingers crossed we are able to somehow have some sort of the same...

***Al-Fatihah - Rest in Peace Wan ( 02.06.1930 - 22.01.2010)***

My paternal grandma passed away last Friday (22.01.2010).It was indeed sad as I never got to say goodbye. Though her passing was very much predicted, we never thought it would be this soon.  My grandpa passed on last April and since grandma has somehow lost her will to live.  She did admit to being so lonely and misses grandpa dearly.  I always find it  difficult to express my feelings when it comes to dealing with pains and sorrows of these kind. I did try to be a little stronger this time compared to the passing of my grandpa. I felt more sorrow wondering what is going through my dad's mind.  It somehow hurt me more to see and know that my dad is also hurting while trying to be very strong like the eldest son that he is. 

My grandma has always been a loving grandma especially to her grandchildren and their children. Grandma has always wanted to be closer to Daanya but at this toddler age, Daanya's attention span spans all over the place, so to speak. My grandma is the independent old timer who drives to where she wants to go. A stick-shift too at that. I have friends of mine giving the salute awestruck at my grandma's ability to drive her Honda Civic here and there.  She was the kind of grandma that would instead come to visit you just to see her great-grandchild instead of you visiting her.  She was the kind that made sure you ate and drink plenty when you visit her even though you stuffed your face solid before coming to see her.

I still remember way back then when we siblings used to anticipate going back to JB for Eid, before things started to change.  She and grandpa lived in the spacious corner lot with a gigantic space of a garden, large enough for her to grow 6-8 rambutan trees. My my. Every Eid, our staple Eid menu would be cooked right on that very garden, with coal, firewood and real fire the works!Eid was so much fun back then. I also remember how that house was situated right in front of a railway track and we (cousins and siblings) would run all the way to the kitchen every time a train would pass by.  Oh so heavenly, the sound of those trains as loud and annoying as they were.

Then when they moved to a new place, things were a bit different.  I was growing into a teenager then and more often the drive back was more of a drag and once there I always counted to days to head back to KL.  Adolescence! Then when we lost our eldest uncle and aunty (Pak long and Mak long), things somehow were completely different.  Felt like things were more torn apart and not just at the seams.Then when dad decided to move both grans to KL and 5 mins away from mom and dad's...things are now unrecognizable. We don't gather as often anymore. Dad and his siblings took turns taking care of both of them so that meant that we see each other less.

I am still proud that my little Daanya had her fair share with her great grandparents. It is pretty obvious that she will not remember their existence in years to come but I hope (in the events that she reads this blog)she knows that she has somehow touched their lives and had loved playing with her when she was little.  I hope that she knows that they had always came to see her whenever they missed her and her antics.

It is now to focus on the present and move on...and hoping to rely on  the fond memories of the past with much hope that these will build you and make you stronger!!!Al-Fatihah!!

***Tata 2009, Bienvenue 2010! ***

It was a year just like any other years prior....funny how I always manage to post on this blog at the entry of every new year with much resolution that I will not neglect the blog but will always fail to do so!Can't say that I did not try though...it is just tougher now to be inspired and get into the mood of writing when we spent the entire year being slapped with the "terrible 2" phase!! Yup, 2009 we have officially been smacked and accepted membership into the new reality of temper-tantrums-at-a-new-height, a loud, wild, chatty and highly imaginative domain that belongs to a 2 year old Daanya Ayeesha.  We with much hesitant welcomed embarrassing meltdowns in public, a screaming toddler demanding her fair (rather unfair) share of attention, constant mood swings which always is in the red alert boiling mode,it's my-way-or-the-highway attitude. Due to that, time-outs are more frequent and mummy and daddy melt downs occurred once or twice (ceh, what an understatement!).Oh well...guess we will just have to wait till this phase wears itself out...will it? *cross fingers* They say that 3 is the new 2...huwaaaa I am terrified of what is to come when that comes...she turns 3 in 2 months and the phase doesn't look like it is going away anytime soon!!!

It hasn't all been negative though..."her majesty" does have some antics that put smiles on our faces and made us proud too...her vocabulary is much more stronger now so she makes sure she utilizes them...she gets away with "I don't trust daddy" or "daddy protect Daanya Eesha" or "mummy kiss Daanya and I become frog and then mummy kiss Daanya again then I can say I'm back!!!" those moments really makes you feel that you have done something right!!!She is much struggling to find her own independence now very much to our dismay...guess we should learn to let go sometimes...at 2 she would prefer to wash and clean herself in the shower (she just upgraded herself to mummy and daddy's toilet privileges).

The coming months in 2010 will also see us hopefully moving into our newly acquired home. Alhamdulillah with God's will we were able to purchase a new home and as if the timing could not be any better, after the purchase we found out of the pregnancy. Rezeki anak! hehe...honestly we will be paying through our noses for this purchase but with the baby coming the extra space would do us wonders and we bought this house in anticipation for the future...in hopes that we do not see ourselves upgrading anymore anytime soon...the house is meant for the kids (how ever many we will end up having) and we have to take account their future and the prospects of this house serving them in the future....hence, the purchase!And also as if the timing could be better, we managed to sell our current house just in the nick of time!I am so thankful that I cannot ask for better!The Almighty has made everything so smooth sailing so far and the timing of all events is so perfect...Alhamdulillah!

2009 witnessed me walking gracefully (hopefully!) into the 3 series.Older and wiser, I do pray...I cannot ask for more being 30 and have a lovely husband and daughter with one on the way and all that we have achieved...perfect! cannot be better!!But I do always pray that I would always be under His watch and wish for the best for everybody in the family!

So there!A lot of anticipation to look forward to in 2010.  I resolved before that the years I do get pregnant my resolution that year would be just to focus on being healthy and focusing on the arrivalaside from working on the new house and decorating...you know, making it a home and nesting!hehehe...so welcome 2010, I am looking forward to what you can present to us! and once after the arrival to concentrate on balancing it all...so that will be the main focus for the year 2010...