***On Cloud 9***

It is a rainy evening. I am here in the office supposedly to attempt unresolved work and tasks.My mp3 player running songs of yesterdays made my attention wander.I love rainy days...wishing that instantly I could have a portal that would tele-port me straight home and onto my bed where I imagine laying down and watching my favorite romantic comedies.I know what wishful thinking that could be.  Instead I look back and reflect on how things in my life has turned out in the past months.  The direction of my life has somehow looked up and I realized how lucky and fortunate I actually am. I have family and dear dear friends who cares a lot about my well being and are always there when I need them and hope that I too have been equally reciprocal. I have a beautiful daughter and such a loving husband. Only these matter right now.  I have these all in tact and I am so thankful.

Lately, we have been so blessed. Things that we plan for the year has so far turned out with positive outcomes.  I am elated with what promises us in the year to come due to all that is achieved this year.  Hopefully next year we are able to celebrate our triumph as opposed to all the patience and refrains we had to put ourselves through this year. 

Of course there are still unresolved issues but those dark patches I really don't want to bother myself with right now as for me being happy in my private personal life is much more worth. Worth all the happiness in the world. Life does go on indeed but if you have such wonderful family and friends paired with all their support and love those dark patches are certainly bearable.  I just need to look at things from a different perspective and find the positive.  I sound like a self-help book...let's just see how this streak of delight would last...but so far so good.***Crossing fingers***

***Eid Mubarak 1430 Hijrah***

I wish you ALL a very happy and peaceful Eid. May Allah accept your good deeds, forgive your transgressions and ease the suffering of all peoples around the globe.

This year I was very much anticipating the celebrations  primarily because Hazmy was away (duty calls!) majority of the Ramadhan month and was back 2 days before Eid.  Ramadhan for me this year was pretty much independent...i liked it that I was able to juggle the household independently but having him around always completed my day. I always had someone to talk to and to basically vent to about how my day went.  Though the little princess and I missed him alot while he was away, I figured that I'd better think positively and instead of focusing on him being away, I took it as quality time with little D.

So, Alhamdulillah everything went smoothly. Eid came and we went about our usual routine...This year somehow felt a bit more meaningful cause D understood it better...she is much braver and we told her that it is Hari Raya and she need to "salam" her elders. So she did with her version of the "Selamat Awi Raye" song...hehehehhe.

I reflected of how the year went and I believe that I too have grown a little over the year.  I have learned to be a lot more patient. It is tough not to be when you have a daughter in the terrible 2 stage. Sometimes you can't help but to expel some anger and frustration at life's challenges but overcoming them proves to be rewarding and worth the fight.  I came out of those challenges believing that you are tested for a reason...and you are tested by the Almighty cause He believes that you can overcome them and gain something from a situation. Alhamdulillah, I am so thankful for what He has showered us with.  He sure opened my eyes in the past year to a lot of insecurities and voids...He has allowed me to cross paths with acquaintances that confirms what I should grasp and hold on to in this journey...and believe me I do want to better myself so that I am able to be a good person, wife, mother, daughter and sister.

The Eid month also had me to witness if something was intended to be for a good cause, He will make it happen.  One of my dearest support system, tied the knot with a man that she knows would guide her righteously...I am so proud of her and her transformation.  I look up to her and I definitely want to be as guided as she is...Insya Allah. Wo, I am so happy for you and for what you are about to embark to in life.  I wish you every happiness and an abundance of love...

It was a good year...a year worth to be thankful for...sure, there are its dark episodes...but I am working hard at making that look up in the year to come...

***Perplexed***

A lot of things have been going on in the workplace lately . Everything is very unsettling. Not worrying just disturbing.I feel that things could have been more properly managed. I wished that things were more upfront and transparent instead of leaving employees collectively to assume and wondering where the direction of their career path would be. I am neither here nor there...I trudge through my everyday to the office now like a mindless robot not having a care for what the outcome would be. Well, maybe I do care a little in a "to defend our rights as employees" sense. It feels amiss in my opinion to haul people here and there and everywhere without warning. Some people are not well connected to the grapevine and some are inhabitants of that grapevine. But then again it is just a grapevine. Am I making sense?We were warned not to rely on the grapevine but yet without prior official warning and notice that grapevine seems to be doing its part well. Sometimes too well. Oh well chosen or not is not the issue...All I know at the end of the day, I still have my salary perpetually banked in. Deep in my heart, I think I know what my direction is and I know what is it that I really want to do...right now, I am just helping out the household. I hope Insya Allah, one day, one fine day, things would look up and I am able to leave this rat race and concentrate on nurturing my child and those to come in the future. Besides, family always comes first.....at least in my books.

***Welcome Ramadhan - Happy Fasting!***

Here's wishing a fruitful and blessed Ramadhan to all Muslims - family, loved ones and friends. This year I am anticipating a Ramadhan different from last year. Daanya was just 1 and not comparably active as she is now that she is 2. Last year, put Barney on and prop her in front of the TV, she is good to go. This year would definitely be different as she is more as I said active, talkative, DEMANDING!! Heck, she probably wants to "buka puasa" too...However it is, every year would definitely be something different and something worth remembering. I would see it too as a milestone to see where she is in her development...hehehhe...somehow this year, I am anxious for Ramadhan's arrival. Probably of what I have in mind in hopes of achieving. Hopefully I fulfill it as part of my KPI this year. InshaAllah.

***The End to What Is***

Well, Jon & Kate...what can I say...I used to love watching what they had to present. Their family I thought was so together. Thought that she had it all together. Watching them I thought, heck if they family with 2 sets of multiples could withstand obstacles so can we... but now, all dreams and hopes crushed. And those kids...I do turn in sometimes to their show when there is nothing else on. But in all honesty, I really do pity those kids especially the second set of multilples. Hope they work things out and possibly try not to over publicize their problems on tv...think of those kids...

***Raindrops on Roses...***

This particular song "My Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music kept playing in my head a lot lately. It is probably because I have had a lot of thinking of what have been. Those days growing up and those little little things that you savour and cherish. Now that I have a child of my own, I hope to be able to let her experience all the wonderful things that life is able to offer her and in turn cherish those little things growing up. I loved those carefree days when it rains in the morning while you are getting ready to go to school. I loved it when you were 7 or 8 and used to countdown to your birthday.I loved hanging with my childhood friends at our playground. I loved it when I could declare a lazy day and curl up with a good book. I miss having weekly Yong Tau Foo breakfast with just my parents and my brother (it was just the two of us way back then).Miss having to help my mum with preparing meals whenever she cooks. Miss having those home cooked kampung dishes that we used to prepare. Now, things are pretty much different. Started a family balancing that with other responsibilities basically takes a toll. Sometimes you get mentally exhausted from just thinking about it all. Raising a child certainly is never easy. Having to provide them with the same if not more tlc then when you were growing up is what we struggle with everyday. Now, rainy mornings just means traffic jam on your way to work. Plus, you have to worry about pandemics, education costs, costs of living etc But we do try our level best everyday and hopefully this is enough. I still want my Daanya to enjoy her "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" and I am at my happiest when I am in the company of the loves of my life, my hubby and little Daanya and that is my favourite little thing these days...

***The Man in the Mirror No More***

I remember I grew up to his pieces of work, art I would say. I was totally obsessed with him back then I was about 11/12 years old. From his "ABC" days to "Ben" to "Billie Jean" to "Beat It and "Thriller" to "Bad" to "Black or White" to "Heal the World" to "Rock With you". I was always in awe of his phenomenal dance moves in those video clips and had always questioned "How eh?" Even owned a VHS of his MoonWalker movie though to this day I never understood the storyline nevertheless the moves to that particular song Smooth Criminal was just out of this world. His songs to me were definitely catchy and the up-tempo ones certainly addictive.

My favorite tracks growing up were definitely "I just can't stop loving you"," one more chance", "human nature","the girl is mine"....yup the mellow ballads.

It totally caught me off guard when reports that morning on the way to work claimed that the King of Pop was gone. That particular morning was definitely a morning to remember. All stations that I know off, paid a tribute to the King by playing his songs. Boy, his songs sure brought back a lot of memories. Of course his demise struck a chord in me and too was sad with a tad bit of disappointment that he was no longer around. I think majority would just assume that he will be one of those living legends who would grow old and lead a long life (At least watch his children grow up).

The memorial held for him at the Staples Center in my opinion really celebrated his life though it was sombre. Of course with the tears of Brooke Shields, Usher, Jermaine Jackson my tears trailed after. After Paris's told the world that Michael was the best father one could ever imagined and that she loved him, i bawled like a broken tap. I felt her pain and can not imagine what she and her siblings are going through. The words of Rev. Al Sharpton was so true to the core; I want his three children to know: Wasn't nothing strange about your Daddy. It was strange what your Daddy had to deal with. But he dealt with it...He dealt with it anyway. He dealt with it for us.

I know people make passing comments, some good some negative. All I can say is, just like how my parents introduced me to P. Ramlee and his work, they also introduced me to Michael Jackson. Just as how I know by hard P. Ramlee's songs and I love them mind you, I also love the many songs of Michael Jackson, Elvis, The Carpenters, Engelbert Humperdinck, The Beatles and many more. Just as how my parents taught me to watch "Ibu Mertuaku"," Annakku Sazali", "3 Abdul", "Bujang Lapok", they also taught me to watch " Sound of Music", "Love Story", "Mary Poppins" , "To sir With Love" and many others. I will very likely do the same to my kids. Isn't the point is not to forget?Without the old where is the new? These legendaries has put a mark in the world. Though their work is artistic, they are still unforgettable and they carved a spot in history. Worth remembering don't you think?

I lived when Michael died. I saw the unforgettable memorial and cried, mourned with the rest of the world. A piece that I can keep when my children and theirs asks "Who is Michael Jackson?" or "Who is P. Ramlee?"

Daanya loves Beat It and Black or White, she hits her drums the concert performance of Beat It. Loves Michael's dance moves. And answers "Michael Jackson dead already" when asked "What happened to Michael Jackson?" At least she knows that these are influences of her parent's lives growing up.

Goodbye Michael! You are definitely a king to me regardless of all your tribulations. RIP (July 2009)

***Out of the Dark***

I have been so uninspired lately. I would visit this blog everyday in hopes that there would be something to impart with the rest of the world...but no..to no avail. Writers' block...I do not think that it is..just purely uninspired. There is always this urge in my heart to say and post something. I have alot of cooped up emotions lately but was never in the mood to talk about them and sometimes felt they were insignificant.Today, I felt like there is a need to break the silence even if it means that this post will end up going in loops...hehehe..I am just going to ramble without a direction here so bear with me now....

Work has been a downward spiral off late. I am just fed up with self-centred people who play the caste card. Gone are the days where you can just trust and depend on others. These days one would rather wash his hands clean and rather not be held accountable even though it is clearly his fault. No one helps and assists each other anymore. These days a leader does not offer his 2 cents to a solution anymore, they just leave you be to solve the problem on your own hoping that fingers will point at you instead. It is in these situations that all true colours would be revealed. You have those double faced twits roaming around demanding your time, effort and energy, and when you do put in your best efforts and right foot forward, they end up taking all the credits. All utter bull, I tell ya! And then you have those people who have their noses so high up in the clouds that they forgot their roots and beginnings till they just "forget" to be humble and sincere....And then you have those who are so charming but in actual fact they stab you in the back and have their own agenda at the top of their list. I've about had it with all this. I have practically given up and wished that my life would take a detour into a reality where I am at home and the only pressure would be to keep to the household schedule and manning my child. Though it is a different kind of pressure all together but as long as I know the person I am to please is yours truly. I know at the end of a typical day, I would have a clean house, prepare meals for my family, my daughter right under my nose and some days attend fitness classes or religious sermons or cooking classes or facials whatever...ahhh what a life!!

Though I feel strongly that the working life is never for me, to contradict myself, I am indeed grateful for the opportunity presented before me. I know that I should be grateful for the rezeki (livelihood) but you sometimes cannot help wishing, hoping and praying for things to turn out the way you'd always hope for - the way you imagine your life should be.

On the home life perspective, things too have been driven into a diversion. What we planned...well did not go according to plans. The anticipation of new beginnings that should take place this year and one that we should pay close attention to have been progressing rather slowly almost to a standstill. Now that it has reached mid 2009, I would say that that "KPI" may not materialize...to my disappointment that is. I would say that it is difficult when you know that you are on your own track to achieve certain goals within a so-n-so stage in your life and to achieve those objectives sometimes would require you to take certain other additional steps and sometimes demand for you to achieve certain pre-requisite targets, tangibles and deliverables. Of course to something you plan, you can only plan and of course a plan is not a plan if it does not come with its own sets of hindrances and obstructions. If only I can be convincing enough to let it be known that I am ready for the next stage but I have also set the condition that I cannot bring this family to the next level without us materializing this specific "KPI". I am a Capricorn and being a control freak comes with that territory. I do set targets for me to achieve and so far in my years of living, they have been somewhat 90% achieved and on track. I hope my other half understands (though I feel that he should understand me after 13 years!)How big of a deal this is to me and though he may not know it (or maybe he does, but does not want to say anything), I do have a list each year!!!
So basically, lately I have had a dark cloud hovering over me. With my Gran's passing + all of the above, I have not been lively I would say. I have been down and out. Cannot help but wish for things to look up. Sometimes even wondering why was this path chosen for me. I noticed that lately the patterns of my posts have presented me in a grumpy and dark way but how can you help the turn of events right?

The only bright side is my Daanya Ayeesha and what a little matured young lady she has turned into. She is filled with so much emotion and can turn them on and off as she pleases. She gets teary eyed when Pinocchio hurt himself when trying to save Gepetto, she gets upset when The Witch got to Princess Aurora and managed to cast the Princess to sleep, she was sad when Eve went into idle mode when Wall-e gave her that plant, she gets angry when daddy annoys and irritates her. The plus side also is that Daddy and Mummy get to rekindle our childhood with the cartoon movies she is watching now...but cannot take it when she requests for the movie for 79th time in a day....huwaaaaaaa....but luckily we have a reasonable young lady on our watch, just tell her that mummy and daddy wants to watch our movies/shows first ok, and then you watch yours (in hopes that she would forget la...) but noooo she remembers and once the credits are out she would instantly demand "Watch Daanya's movie now k k?" huhu. She sure does remember a promise...take after her mummy eh? hehhehehe...

Oh well...till the next grumpy post or shall I maintain G*eorge Michael's "D*on't Let the S*un shine Down on Me" as my mantra hoping for a change in aura and perhaps karma??

***Forever missed***

My paternal Grandpa passed on last 23 April 2009. He went just 1 month shy of his 80th birthday. This has been an exceptionally hard piece to write on. It all happened too fast. One minute Hazmy and I were having dinner, a phone call intercepted our conversation, it was my sister telling me that Gran has fallen, unconcious but still breathing. I panicked and packed what was left of our food. Rushed to Gran's only to find him lying there lifeless. We only had to wait the doctor's confirmation. It was tough to see him healthy at one point and with just a blink of an eye, he was gone. I was wailing and regretted not being able to see him probably 10-15 minutes earlier before he went. Just to ask for forgiveness or maybe to recite the "Syahadah"for him..something!

Back before when Daanya was younger (5-6months), both my grandparents would come by to play with her...Gran especially enjoys teaching the "tepuk amai amai" and Daanya would equally reciprocate by clapping her hands together...later on when she learnt to speak she would sing together with him. Progressing on, when my Granny's knees hurt too much that she can't drive anymore, my parents would take Daanya to visit them (they live 5 minutes away). Later on, with both Grans were constantly attacked with fever or flu, my parents try not to bring Daanya over just so that she won't contract them...A week earlier before the passing, it was after dinner as I recalled, Daanya was in the car and she had recited her "tepuk amai amai". Mind you this was after a loooonnnggg time since Gran recited to her...Hazmy and I was at awe that she actually remembered...but Allah knows best...Exactly one week since that, Gran passed on.

There are so many fond memories of Gran but it is still too difficult to write about it here...All I can say is he was a man that take all of God's tests in his stride and marched through his life making the best of what he has. He had children that he was so proud of though maybe he does not say it in so many words. He definitely loved his grandchildren and great grandchildren. He saw the burial of his eldest daughter when she lost her battle with cancer almost 10 years ago. He was a man so simple that never demands for the impossible.

At the day of his burial, Daanya asked what happened to Tok Yang? I had to let her know that Tok Yang went to heaven. Occassionally, she would just say Tok Yang go heaven. I take it that she remembers him still presently. I wonder if she'll remember him years from now. That is why hard as it is, I felt that this had to be written in Gran's rememberance for her if she reads this blog in the future.

Gran, I write this with tears in my eyes cause I was heartbroken when you went away. I am still in so much pain. I felt that I did not get enough of you and your presence during the time that you were still around. It wasn't enough. I needed more. I missed the time when you used to tell us stories of how you worked during oppression, how you put your children through school till they become what they are today, how you used to tell us how you walked to work cause you never knew how to drive, how you used to tell me my dad washed his own clothes and did household chores cause Granny was so strict....I MISS ALL THAT!!! TAK PUAS!!!

***It's back!!!***

At the beginning of this year, we decided to do up Her Royal Highness' aka Daanya's room...just so that she would have her own space where she can play and feel comfortable in. We had her 3-in-1 cot to toddler bed moved into her room from ours due to this. We thought since she is co-sleeping with us anyway, there is no point having her bed in our room, so in her room it stayed...until yesterday, when I decided that she needs to learn to sleep in her own bed. She initially fell asleep on our bed and later on we carried her onto her own. Boy, it felt great to have the bed to ourselves for a change...Most of all it felt good to actually sleep next to hubby after a looooooong while of having Her Royal Highness in between us and conquering all the space. I almost forgot what it feels like to cozy up next to hubby...***sigh*** and dozing off felt more comfortable and easier too...until, at 2am I heard her voice calling "mummy,mummy" having her hand on my cheeks trying to wake me up...opened my eyes and saw her sitting next to me and saw that I had opened my eyes she said "I want to sleep mummy" as in "I want to sleep next to you mummy" then I said ok come sleep next to mummy and doze off she went...30 minutes later, I transfered her again on her bed and off to sleep I went...then at 5am she did it again...her hand on my cheek trying to wake me up...ok, I said sleep next to mummy...and there she slept comfortably till morning...Come morning she woke up cheery and happy like as though she slept through like a log...while mummy the exact opposite...hmmmpphhhh...

But, we will try at it again tonight and probably days to come and see to it that this sleeping arrangement works...however I anticipate that this will be a tiring process...and a sleepy one at that!!!But we are determined to re-claim our reign...huwaaaa....

***Sit back, Relax & Enjoy the finer things in life***

Everything has been moving in a very fast pace. In a blink of an eye everything just altered right before your very eyes. One day you are so used to the norm and suddenly it came as a shocker what has transpired. Some accept the change with an open heart and mindset and some played it out as though the road ahead would be bleak and would eventually reach its dead end. Some laughed and some cried. Some fled from the scene could not be bothered and some people like me get to sit back and observe. With all that has been going on, I thank my lucky stars and am grateful with all life has to offer in my personal life and also in my career. Ever since Daanya, my priorities started to change. My perspective to what I want out of life has differed since premarital standing. Ever since Daanya, I have pledged that she and my other children to come deserves the best that we can give including our attention. Due to that, career high has not been what I was after. I am grateful for the opportunity given to me to date. I was just reassured the other day during a meeting with my superior that I am still needed as charge de projects where I am currently and that he needs people that he can trust and are responsible. As long as the yearly pay hikes can always be expected and bonuses, I am good to go. What is important is that my aim has always been to be there for my children and seeing to their welfare. I grew up with both my parents chasing after being the best at what they do career wise but at that time it was totally understandable. We were fortunate to get the best of everything due to that. We were comfortable yes, but it tore me to pieces that my parents were not around all the time...My dad did alot of travelling and managing his personnels back then, and mum was and still is the key person crunching numbers for her organization. This is partly why I never saw chasing after a career as one of my top priority. I just want to be with my family and that is my goal...you know as I quote a colleague who had said this before to me "whatever happens in the office I don't care, I still have my family, my children and the life out there. The world does not stop just because things are a havoc in the office". I take that in Mr. S and reflected "how true!" Eversince that, actually eversince before that (2 years ago, when Daanya was born actually, the moment she was laid on my body and I instantly fell in love with her and have been addicted to her eversince), this year I have finally made a resolution (check out my 2009 new year's post) to transform my life. To go ahead and do things I only thought or imagined of doing before this and thought that a baby or children was a hindrance to that. This year so far, I have begun to take a breather and concentrate on me and my family. So far all of the projects towards that are well on the way...and to GOD I pray that it would all be smooth sailing, Insya Allah. I have been so happy and content with this process of transformation under my wings so far that I cannot wait for the outcome. Personal and family KPIs for the 1st quarter are right on target!!! YAHOOoooo! So here I sit, set out to enjoy the finer things in life and making that my life goal, while things are revolving around in the office and in the world day to day. Of course a promotion would be a bonus but until then I am content doing what I am doing and loving it ;)

***She is now 2***

My little darling turned two last Monday. The date also marked our (Hazmy & I) 13 years of courtship prior to marriage. Back to the case and point...yup she is now 2...My thoughts often wander to the times when she was just delivered and welcoming her and all the milestones she had successfully undergone. We always say that she was a happy baby, never fussy, that anything goes...Everything was easy when it comes to taking care of her...she just does not make u want to tear your hair out...till today! Of course she goes through spells of temper tantrums and dissatisfactions but majoritily she always put a smile on our faces. She has grown into such a sweet little lady and an intelligent one at that! (of course, I am a bit bias!). She keeps surprising us with all that she's picked up and learned. She has turned into quite the conversationalist and a definite chatterbox. We can have conversations with her and she would response accordingly.

The past year have shown to us that she's quite a talent...singing, acting, dancing...all there....this might have infused into her by my side of the family...My dad is quite the singer himself and he would sing when requested at family gatherings and such. Hazmy and I have explored the many many outlets to send her so that she is able to hone those talents and skills. She has also found a love for building things...she loves her lego sets where she would build something and say this is a house or a hoist or things like that. She also loves the mechanics of how things work. She gets a new toy she would not go for aesthetics first, instead she checks out how it is connected, the screws or how a wheel to her push cart rotates..things like that...now that I must say she takes after Hazmy's chinese side of the family. They are engineers (most of them anyway) and the rest are either a quantity surveyor and fields connected to that. Plus, Hazmy has a knack for DIY and this appears so prominently in her.

Her developments have been so vast that it is hard to keep track anymore. She can now eat solids and often demands that she does everything herself...she often stresses on independence and that should be a good thing right?? Not actually for a mummy who finds it hard to let go. So she feeds herself now and loves food that we consume as well...so preparing meals now are easier especially when (at the very few chance that I get) on the days I feel like cooking, she would just basically have what we have...and of course when it gets to the spicy ones, she would have the milder version. Otherwise breakfast can be as simple as a roti telur when we have breakfast at the mamak's place or french toast when we eat breakfast at home, or spaghetti for dinner, or soup and the likes.

We are potty training her now...and so far it has turned out positively. We just instructed to tell us when she needs to go "yak-yak"/poo or "shee-shee"/pee. So far, she has not missed telling us when she needs to "yak-yak" and we would run to the bathroom for her to sit on the throne with the junior seat insertion that we got a while back. We chose to train her to sit on the big throne because we did not want to go through the hassle of using those little potties and having to clean them after also we did not want to have to go through re-training her once she is ready for the big throne. So there!! We are either lazy or practical..conclude it how you want!! ;P

Time-outs are fading out a bit in our household. She used to cry her eyeballs out whenever she has to go into time outs...Now, she takes herself there in her own accord. Heck she even puts her baby dolls and barney into time outs whenever she thinks that they misbehave! The funny thing is that she imitates us doing it too..." Be quiet, sit there! Don't move!" hahahhaha she does a good immitation of me I must say...Anyway, she mocks this method cause often she would take her ownself there and says with an angelic face "Mummy, Daanya time out ok? ok?" and here I go assuring her, " Daanya, you have been a good girl, no need to go time-out" and there she would sit for 5 minutes...hahahhahaha....Oh, mind you she also puts her uncles and aunties, grandparents included into time outs whenever they misbehaved too! hahahahahha....she really cracks us up...

She has indeed brighten up our lives with her presence and we were so lucky to be with people we love to celebrate her 2nd birthday. We celebrated a day earlier as Monday was a work day. Hazmy and I took that day off cause we wanted to spend the entire day with her. Anyhoo, we organized a small get together with family members at our place...my sis (kudos manja!) used decorations from last year to set a birthday ambience to the place. I prepared roast chicken (3 roast chickens!!!) and vegetables, MIL brought lamb stew and my mom brought fruits and desserts oh and SIL brought potato salad...was good food, good company, a good celebration would want it any other way. Daanya had a wonderful time with all the familiar faces, faces of people that loves her unconditionally. And she got some good pressies too!!! It was perfect...a moment we'll cherish forever! Thank you everyone!

Daanya, Mummy loves you with all her heart and soul...I am so proud of your abilities and what you can do. Most of all I am so proud of the fact that you are mine and you will forever be my baby girl...Mummy and daddy will set out to give you the best of everything and at no compromise at that. You only deserve the best that we can offer you...Always remember that you will always have us and your family on your side at your beck and call. Family and religion is your core and never not acknowledge that...Mummy and Daddy may not be there all the time to be with you but we promise that our actions and decisions are of you as the focus and direction. I thank GOD for you always and though at times mummy and daddy can get a bit tough on you, rest assured it is for your own good. Happy 2nd Birthday!!! When you come to read this one day, you may think this is corny but let it be known that mummy feels it needs to be said to remember this year by...I have been quite sentimental about you growing up hence this corny birthday message ;P but I love you nevertheless...xoxo

***Of Crushed Dreams and Wishful Thinkings***

Have you ever wondered about your life's decisions that led you to where you are right now in the present time and the person that you've become because of those choices? Do you wake up the morning after thinking and possibly fooling yourselves of how content you are with life when you are a ball of knots in the inside and there is this inner voice constantly reminding you that things could be so much clearer and so much better.And you cannot help but wonder "If only...."

As I sit here in my office looking out my window at the gloomy weather wondering why is it that the rain always make you feel nostalgic?I think back of how I grew up right to those school years and uni days, the acquaintances that I've made, the encounters with crushes and the countless first loves ;P, achievements and failures...all of those experiences turning you into the person you are today. Was it meant to be this? I cannot help but think of the path I took growing and wondered what were to happen if I did this or that? Would my life take a detour towards better or worse? Regrets you say? Not regrets but a yearning. A yearning for betterment. A yearning for the potential not just settle for "just because". I have always been a over achiever, a dweller into the deepest of rationales and thoughts. Though I feel like a Type A personality the tests always comes back with an A+B, a little of both worlds. Still I cannot help wanting to make things a little better...to live with a certain level of potential. Of course for every road you trudge there are bound to be some hindrances, the lack of needed support here and there and the unwanted voices telling you to be wise and asking you to take your time. If only they knew of how messed up things are and how messed up I am inside for wanting better. So it is at times like these you sort out within yourself internally and vow to stand on your own and try no matter what to make things happen for the betterment of yourself, your marriage and your own family. Not for vendetta never for vendetta. My intended goal is just to make things clearer and better for the sake of my family. I want so much to be happy and in this case happy means to carry on with that very intention - that yearning! So I may sometimes cut myself out from your perception of a bond for I do not want to pretend to be happy when I am not. I may not be what you expect for I am not him and he may be your pride and joy. You and him, you form the perfect bond that is unbreakable even during your times of dispute. I can't be that, I certainly can't be him and I certainly don't want to for as much as I love him, I hate his obnoxious side. And that remark from his mouth I will certainly not forget. I know you want to be me..you want to have it all like me though you live the life that I have always wanted for myself, you will never come close though I wish for happiness and success for you always. But sometimes, it feels like I've been betrayed by over and over by flesh and blood.

So, yes! I do wish for different. But I would not change that part of my past for it has made me a shield and protected me. Over the years, I have learned to accept and just like now, I will again continue to accept. I did not have the rightful support then and I grew up yearning for better. I am here now still yearning but this time I know something will materialize because of it and the satisfaction is knowing that I will get there regardless of your remarks and your half-hearted support cause now I have my own life line.

***Something New***

Like the new look for solitude?? Just thought I'd try something new and it is growing on me!

***Timeout Timekeeper***

I think I know now why they termed it "The Terrible Two". Daanya will turn two next month and I think lately she has introduced to us a gist of what "two" will be like. I foresee a year of temper tantrums and probably alot of mummy's voice screeching away trying to keep order. I also foresee alot of disciplining muahahaha....

Actually, the first year was very quiet and a cute phase I think. Alot of discovery my young one had done (sounding a bit like Yoda here!). Evidently we were very proud, content and amused of her abilities and potential. Somehow, now that she is approaching t-w-o, we or at least me, I found her to be very vocal and loud making clear of her demands. She clearly thinks that she can still get away with murder in our house!Something needs to be done and FAST!!! A mummy's patience is being tested here!!!

We lately introduced "time-out" not as a mean of punishment but basically to keep a distance between her and us when she is out of order. Before time-outs, I find that I am unable to control my frustrations causing me to nag non-stop like a parrot on steroids..and I really hate turning into that kind of a mom...so time-outs keep order around our house (Yeah, I sound like I have a household filled with chaos, melodramatic remember???). Anyway, she now knows that whenever she is in time-out she had done something that mummy and daddy dislikes. And get this she actually stays in her time-out corner not moving away. She does of course cry apologetically while she's there and would often try to catch somemore of our attention by pretending to vormit (which sometimes, goo does come out at that attempt), or she would slide herself onto her tummy and pretended to hit her head on the floor....something to that extend to catch our attention but we let a good 2-3 minutes go by before resuming any attention back to her. I read somewhere that when you first introduce time-outs a good 2 minutes lapse will do. And so far this has worked for us. Whenever we say time-out she would immediately response no-no. Or when we console her after and talked about what she did that we did not like and asked her "do you want to be a naughty girl?" she would say no. Of course we hug and kiss kiss and immediately she would find some other way to annoy us...oh well...Anyhow, we are glad to announce that the disciplining period has now commenced....

I do pity her when she's in time-outs and often I'd crumble inside so wanting to say it is ok...but I know sometimes you have to be a little bit mean for the results to go a long way...So I do find myself being a little bit stronger now...the first few times, I wanted to cry having to hear my child pleading but now it gets better (yes, it has been numerous time-outs already!!!Don't let her looks fool ya!). Now, I see daddy resorting into the method too...hahaha this is a guy that spoils his kid rotten....well at least now he experience for himself what I have to deal with everyday and now knows that it is not all fun and games with us. She tests us alot now and I find it essential to let her know her boundaries. At the end, it is the hug that she gives and a peck on the cheek is enough for me to know that we're ok and hopefully later in her life she knows that this is all for the better...

***I am no supermom compared to her but I wanna be her***

As I was growing up, my imagination would always wander off and I used to imagine what it would've been like to have my own babies and having to take care of them, what it would be like to be a doting wife and most of all a doting mother. I always imagined only the best and beautiful of things. In my world of fantasy, my babies did not cry or have temper tantrums, I would'nt need to raise my voice at them and discipline them, they would be the perfect children. In those very fantasies, I would be the perfect wife who did not understand the word exhaustion keeping everything in its place and always catering to my husband's needs and minding the nest, so to speak. Fast forwarding to reality, now that I am a wife and a mother, it is in fact all that I never and certainly did not imagine things to be...hahaha.

Now that I am here, being the typical overly-thinking-into-things (some would call it drama queen!), type A+B individual, I cannot help thinking of the past and go "ppffftttt" what was I thinking??? Things now are pretty much the opposite of the things I imagined. I hardly have time to be the doting wife due to work hours and exhaustion there after, my kid throws temper tantrums whenever she feels like it resulting in me to sometimes lose it!!!

However, I know for a fact that what I am going through is the norm and many others are going through even messier situations...I know that this is peanut compared to one Kate Gosselin and how she manages her children, a set of twins and another set of sextuplets - making this a total of 8 children. I love to watch their show on Discovery, Jon & Kate plus 8 and just watching how she organizes their home and her children is totally astounding!!! and I so totally envy that. I never hear a complaint out of her and her hubby instead she finds humor in the most annoying and irritating situations when dealing with her children. I found that she only had good things to say of her husband and always thanked him for giving her a helping hand amidst her busy and hectic life. I cannot imagine having to do what she is doing on an everyday basis!!! Having twins to me is still manageable but having to deal with the other 6 of the same age must be totally CRAZY!!!and for that I salute her!!!! I have total respect for her...I love to see those children and how each has their individual needs and how well Kate and Jon recognizes each and every child as the individual that they are...and how she keeps things so well organized and on a schedule and still manages to keep order...and get this the children loves each other! and of course they have their casual spats but none of them fights for attention more than the other...meaning that each are equally paid attention to and they look so happy....OMG!!!I am so jealous!I don't know how she does it but she does it and for that she gets a gazillion stars on my books!!! So, Jon & Kate, this is a tribute for you and your family to thank you for making me realize how measly my troubles are when it comes to dealing with our little Daanya and balancing that with managing the household...I have such a profound respect for you and your husband, wish you all the love in the world and the good job you've done with the kids!!!



p/s: I always love to read about them and here is a mention of their interview with Oprah.

***Au Revoir 2008, Bonjour 2009***

2008 came and left with just a blink...at least that was what it felt like. I really don't know whether it is me or just my "about-to-go-insane" imagination and gut feeling that raising a child automatically consequent day and night to just come and go at light speed. ***sigh*** 2008 have placed its fair share of chronicles onto my wall of memoirs...but what's definite are that there are lessons to learn from all highs and lows, happy and sad...

Looking back through it all, I constantly thank the "Force-from-up-Above" for our little Daanya everyday of my life since she came into the world. The year proved to us how fast she's grown into the little person that she is. I choke and sometimes get teary eyed reminiscing through her baby photos and really am amazed at how she evolved from this incapable little baby into being so get-out-of-my-way-mummy independent. Suddenly mummy is not so significant anymore :( I do find myself guilty of still wanting to shield and protect her from all the bads in the world right down to the tiniest of germs and viruses to the big bad wolves that we find ourselves constantly afraid of too. But as she grows and grows so quickly and notably, I have to learn to let go a little as hard as it may seem. This makes me a teeny weeny sad. Soon she is going to learn how to fly and leave the nest huwaaaaaaaa (drama much?? haha) Yeah, but that is the reality of it and somehow I think I am getting bouts of depression just thinking about it...I dunno...some say that it is time to think and plan for another baby...then when I rationalize and I look at Daanya and she makes me feel so undivided. That having her is enough for now, that I want to enjoy having her to myself for a liiiiittle bit longer. Also pangs of pity arises at the thought of her having to share us with her sibling(s). Is it crazy to think this way?? Perhaps some might say...but I really don't give a S*** cause that is just how I feel about it...maybe I am not ready though there are parties already making their thoughts be heard loudly..but to contradict myself yes, I would love to go through the whole process over again, taking care of the little one, the whole night feeding routine, the whole mumbo jumbo....perhaps when the time is right and I don't hesitate at making the decision...perhaps when I don't see the need to rationalize and that at one snap I know that I want another then maybe that is the right time...could be next week or next year or even the next 5 years who knows....for now let me give Daanya complete attention and eventhough she does at times get claustrophobic and say "mummy sit there" (telling me to sit away from her) while she attends to her business of wrecking her toys, running up and down
or even while watching Barney, I really don't care...Daanya let me assure you that I will smother you at every chance I get even till you find a man and settle down and smother your own, I will do just that!!! muahahahahahhahaha!!!!

On the marital front, things are smooth sailing. We've been married now 3 years as of last Dec 31st but over the 13 years we've known each other, I found myself just having to constantly adjust, adapt and tolerate. I guess it's ditto for Hazmy as well. But as everyday comes and with a little one on the side plus with busy career schedules, I do find myself sometimes missing the attention and the times alone. On the other hand, I thank Hazmy for always being there, for always being open to communicate, for accepting me (flaws and all) and the demands that I make (yes, I can be a pretty difficult woman!hahaha). I thank the Al-Mighty for you for you have shown me and taught me so much. I really cannot imagine living without you for you, you show me so much strength and patience though you are crumbling inside. I love that we are always on the same page when it comes to raising Daanya and managing our household. I can be whiny, impatient and nagging most of the times (hahaha) but you always portray such patience and taught me to see the light....Thank you. Oh, and thank you for the wonderful birthday treat...I loved every minute! Our getaways which took place last December and early January was so much fun...you sacrificed so much even at the expense of your own needs to give us the best of everything and it will be those times that is cherished and remembered...

Turning 29...I am still on the fence on this one! One thing for sure is the feeling is so different from the feeling and excitement of turning 21...No doubt everyone gets older but I find that as you get older a birthday is just another birthday. I don't anticipate it as much anymore. However, I do find myself reflecting on my life more now. What have I accomplished, am I happy or on the contrary, is all enough...you know those kind of things. And somehow there is this voice hovering over me telling me that there is so much more to see, achieve and accomplish. So many opportunity and experiences yet to be grabbed. The more I reflect the more I realised that there is this void within me that I just cannot have on handle on what it is...I do know that that void is the result of me not being satisfied with so much in my life, resultant of me being so depressed and feeling so unaccomplished, feels as though that thing to be achieved is so near yet so far...I really do not know how to explain this but that's just how it is....well it is my inner demons to deal with and I would probably need to do some soul searching to get answers though in my heart of hearts I roughly know what it is but have yet to confirm that it is...(am I making any sense???)

Anyhoo, other perks to the year that was 2008 among many also saw the birth of Dhiren Kumar Lim Vasudevan, baby boy to my best friend, Patricia....he is such a cutie...and I am so happy for their little family. Dhiren was so anticipated and much awaited...such joy...I am so proud of my best friend...Sweets, you will be the best mother I assure you!

Then there was that time when my brother Joe starred in the DiGi ad as well as Brylcreame facial wash...he will appear in other ads along 2009, Insya Allah. Good for him if only he could learn to save the money he gets from them ads rather than spending them one shot!!!

My sis, Manja has completed school though I keep reminding her that SPM is just the first step. The entrance to a bigger complex arena...if only she could see the world through my eyes at my standing point right now...

With every high comes its lows..and ours came in the events where my Atok and Hazmy's nenek fell ill. They are both braving through their illnesses and am so proud at their developments. Other than that Daanya also was admitted a few days before Hari Raya...and that was very testing even for me...I had a taste of what it felt like to have your child in distress and if not much what a mother would feel to lose a child. I would not dwell into it any further but Alhamdulillah she was so brave to have gone through that ordeal.

All in all it was a satisfactory year. A year of reflection as I would now call it...A year that matured me and made me think of what is important and significant. A year where I treasure and cherish those moments shared with people I love and that made it clear enough that I am at my happiest being with these people - families and friends included.

So with that, bring on 2009! I expect some soul searching is due and I have many many questions needing its answers...Perhaps it would be a year of transformation (how do I come up with this terms??? Don't ask..somehow along my path through 2008, I picked up being melodramatic!) That would be my resolution for 2009...to transform!!!hehe I cannot help but smile at that last sentence...can't help thinking of the movie...hahhahaha hopefully not into a robot mentally and emotionally la hahaha...We'll see how this resolution goes....Well, as a family we have alot to achieve the first half of the year...we'll see how that goes too...will report on it if it materializes...otherwise in it goes into the pending tray...but I hope to trudge through 2009 along with its bumps expecting to learn more and turn me into a sensible adult especially now with a kid in hand and turning the big 3-0.....Insya Allah....