***Of voids and absences***

I cannot tell you how much I miss writing.  I miss it so much that it causes me to wander my everyday routines with this void in my heart....But what does that mean? Does that mean that this is another found passion...or does that just mean that I need to vent badly and this was my only channel? Whatever it is I miss it so badly and feels guilty for ignoring this space....It was a relieve 6 months ago when I first became a full time SAHM that I finally get some time to write. Unfortunately time does not permit at all...of course I could make time for it especially when the kids are down at night but then feelings have it that I would rather catch up on my ZZzzzz and better rest as much as I can....

I don't want to make promises, but I hope I am able to check in now and then and bare it all so to speak.  I hope to say that I am back but I don't want to speak too soon....but I do and I really do have so much to tell!

***Of greener pastures and moving forward***

I have been yearning to pen down my thoughts for what could have been a gazillion years if it was possible. Not a day gone by had I not thought about this space of mine, a place that could let it all out. I missed this little space of mine tremendously to the point that I feel really guilty for abandoning it too long. I hope that this streak won't be permanent...*crossing finger*

Anyhoo, let me begin with saying that life works in mysterious ways...sometimes you have so much going for you and you swear you planned every bit of your life to the core and it boils down to only executing them and when that point comes suddenly you find yourself taking a detour!...and that was exactly what happened to me!

So with that note I am proud to declare that I am now a STAY-AT-HOME mom! Turn of events transpired and we thought about it looooong and hard (of course by "we" I meant hubs and I). Of course we asked for guidance relentlessly! And Alhamdulillah and Insya Allah this option was for the better.

The truth of it all was I wasn't happy.Day in and day out totally unhappy! Yeah, you would probably say who isn't?especially when talking about work and your career...but with me work just made me want to crawl out of my skin. I hated every sense of the word! Of course I had made the best of it before and in fact had performed really well...but there s no doubt something inside of me was screaming that this is NOT FOR ME! The years before I had no choice...our finances didn't allow it and on top it all the new position prior to making this decision did have better prospects financially and in terms of progressing in my career...so imagine my predicament! But a decision had to be made and of course my priority remains that my baby daughters would always come first!so bearing that in mind, once staying home they deserve my upmost attention.

After it was official, to our surprise a number of turn of events happened that somehow assured me that this is right...we are doing fine so far...Alhamdulillah! No setbacks instead we were presented with good opportunities and prospects that Insya Allah if it is meant to be and God willing we look forward to it! I can sense that my princesses love the fact that we are now more close knit as a family. Princess D loves it that I am there for her all the time sending and fetching her to and from pre-school while Princess M has my attention 24/7 which I didn't get to give right after confinement because of the new job and long hours.

Shortly to say I have nothing but love right now...I love watching my girls grow up and develop right in front of my eyes, love that I have them with me as they are my comfort zone! Enough said ilove taking care of may family and have more important things to concentrate on. I have learned that life isn't always about what is material and the dollar sign though I must admit that they are important but nothing beats the love I am getting and the love I get to give by just diverting my focus on what matters most!I have no regrets. No doubt there are challenges and I will face obstacles but this is so fulfilling and satisfying...something I never had felt working for the man all those years!and I am still on the search for what I am passionate for, skills and talents basically things that I can be good at...but I am taking my time as I am doing what I love and passionate about so no complaints as yet...I am happy, my marriage is good, girls are fine...what more can I ask for...

***Hush Hush***

This song was played on radio today and somehow struck a chord with me and made me feel melancholy...The song felt relevant...

Hush Hush lyricsSongwriters: Larossi, J; Romdhane, A; Scherzinger, N; Wroldsen, I;

I never needed you to be strong
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs
I never needed pain, I never needed strain
My love for you is strong enough you should have known

I never needed you for judgment
I never needed you to question what I spent
I never ask for help, I take care of myself
I don't why you think you got a hold on me

And it's a little late for conversations
There isn't anything for you to say
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver
So look at me and listen to me because

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush, there is no other way
I get the final say because

I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken
Our love is broken, baby, hush hush

I never needed your corrections
On everything from how I act to what I say
I never needed words, I never needed hurts
I never needed you to be there everyday

I'm sorry for the way I let go
From everything I wanted when you came along
But I am never beaten, broken not defeated
I know next to you is not where I belong

And it's a little late for explanations
There isn't anything that you can do
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver
So you will listen when I say, baby

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush, there is no other way
I get the final say because

I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken
Our love is broken, baby, hush hush

No more words, no more lies
No more crying
No more pain, no more hurt
No more trying because

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush, there is no other way
I get the final say because

I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken
Our love is broken, baby hush hush

Hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken
Our love is broken, baby

***Little Miss Misunderstood @ 12 months***

I know I have been very silent.  Probably close to a year now.  Just when I thought things will be more calm after the storm, life has taken to a more turbulent turn.  Life has lead me to a path where I would reconsider all of my objectives and prioritize.  Yes, indeed it took me that long to finally come to this day where I can finally talk about it.  However, that day won't be today in this post but another time in a different post.  This post should be solely dedicated to my Little Miss Misunderstood.  I think henceforth I shall withdraw from that title for her..Princess Yaya she will be just like our first born Princess D.

Yaya turned out on the contrary from the very beginnings of her life on this earth.  Previously I had vented how difficult a baby she was and over time she got better.  Now, she turned into such a pleasant, no fuss little toddler!  She is such a free spirit without a care.  She goes about her own business; the works; she does not demand attention from you unless necessary, she wakes up every morning always with a smile on her face; and only cries when she bumps her head in a fall...haha...Such tremendous turnaround I cannot help but beat myself up and go "What were you thinking?" Mummy is such a douchebag!!

We celebrated her first birthday 16 June and as tradition would have it we had a big bash with people we care for the a week after.  I am so proud of my Maya Arissa!  I could never ask for anything more!  She learned to crawl at 4 months, sit and stand at 6 months and walked at 10 months.  She is my lil go getter!  My lil petit go-getter! 

Maya Arissa, words cannot describe how proud I am of you...you've developed far beyond my expectation and I am truly sorry for being such a pain earlier on and not accept you for who you are. Just like your sister, I will strive to be at my very best for you.  You are my life and the reason I live my everyday.  Mummy and daddy will give our very best to equip you both to set out in the world.  We believe that both of you will make us proud and encourage you to achieve all that you can achieve and support you in all ways possible. I love you endlessly! So Happy Birthday my dear little one.  May you set out to be the best you can be, Insya Allah.

***Little Miss Misunderstood @ 4 months***

She is my little Miss Misunderstood (LMM)!  She really changed in character!! Why I call her LMM is because of the first two months of her arrival.  I see it now that it wasn't her acting up those 2 months but it was just that she was misunderstood.  Hence the name!

She turned 4 months last 16 Oct.  Ironic how fast time flies when she is at her best behavior as opposed to that first 2 months.  I cannot get enough of her now...she is the light to my day...in fact both of my princesses are...She is such a delight to look at early morning. She welcomes you with a smile instead of tears.  She greets us with her laughter and allow us to enjoy her before actually claiming for her hunger pangs.

At exactly 2 days into her 4th month, she surprised us all by rolling over her tummy.  She is one strong little petite girl. She is able to lift her head while flat on her back and she doesn't like sitting down cause she prefers to stand for some reason. A girl that cannot wait to grow up, I said. She takes in 7oz of milk now and a slow eater just like mummy.  She enjoys her servings just like me...;p She is also my little silent observer...absorbing like a sponge I presume. There is always something that triggers her interest. A sign of intelligence I read.  She easily gets bored and requires constant entertaining.

She naps 2 hours to 3 hours during the day and have slept 6 hours through the night. All these circumstance is of course when she is absolutely full and well fed.  She still have insecurity issues while sleeping and loves it when a familiar face is around her when she sleeps.  She sleeps longer when this condition is met.

I think I have settled with the fact that she is a petite little girl.  It was tough for me to accept at first cause of my high expectations and I do have them still cause I am just made that way...but that doesn't mean I have given up...I still anticipate her being chubby and will look forward to that.

I cannot wait to see what other surprises she has up her sleeves.  So, bring on month five!

***For both my Princesses***

Maya turned 3 months last 16th September.Phew!!! Felt like such a whirlwind of a journey... I never thought we'd eventually get here actually...

It was a tough 2 months with my 2nd born Princess.  I have to put this on record, even from the moment she was born she really let the world know of her existence and really let us know of her demands.  That day marked the beginning of this crazy journey...

She was never satisfied from the get-go. She wanted to be fed all the time, she was always demanding something...the hospital nurses probably recognizes her crying every time I had to call them to bring her back to the nursery because I was unable to please her...On that note, let me say here that she is one loud crying baby!!Somehow it was also then that I knew that things are not normal anymore...it was then that I got scared thinking and wondering whether I am actually prepared to immerse myself into this reality that wasn't planned - that wasn't what I am built for.

First it was the skin breakouts...they tell me it was allergies...to what I thought?? cause at that point in time she was only on BM...the breakout went away, then it was the painful burps and the gases...they tell me it was the formula milk we were trying out...then there was the infrequent poopings...they said it was lactose intolerance...then came back the rash all over her body...they told me to watch for detergents and possible stimulants...then it was the irregular sleep patterns as she did not sleep/nap for more than 15 minutes during the day, which overtire her that she also could not sleep at night...they told me it's ok just enjoy her cause she is just inquisitive.

All these difficulties the first 2 months and it was slowly eating me on the inside..couldn't tell anybody cause I was ashamed or rather...ashamed of her cause I thought that my babies are all supposed to be perfect.  My first born was a happy baby and I caught on to that current and was oblivious to the fact that this time my baby is not perfect!I guess I did not prepare for the worse. I was fazed by the status quo. My emotional well-being went into a downward spiral.  I knew it was more than the blues. It got even more difficult everyday...too much to handle, too much to bear...I hated everyone around me, hated the fact that they were not helping me solve what was wrong with my baby, or so I thought. I blamed myself for being such a lousy person, such a lousy mother. I kept on wanting to have things back as they were...wanted the norm that I was already used to - just me, hubby and Dan Dan.  I did not sign up for M's moods and tantrums...in my reality, she was supposed to make her entrance and everything was supposed to be smooth sailing from there just as we done it before...I got bitter and angry all the time...she was in the way of everything...I wanted just 5 seconds of rest and that she couldn't give me...why does it have to be all about her? how about me???I took it out on hubby a lot too...I hated myself for doing this to myself...I was tired, exhausted, fatigued and stressed...I think most of all I was angry at her for causing all this ruckus...She was hard for me to accept...

I kept this all inside me...I felt that no one could help me anyway so why bother. There was and still is this void inside of me that felt like I have lost a part of me. That I am not the same person as I was before. I have lost myself and it is never coming back.

There was also this part of me that was holding on strong.This voice that tells me to fight...a voice that convinced me that M is mine and that I love her.  It was this voice that told me to tell someone.  It was this voice that saved me.  It wasn't strong but it was there fighting with me.  It was there telling me to stand strong and gave it my best shot and told me M was worth the fight! M is a blessing...by the works of the Almighty, I was given time...it was written from the start...He granted my du'a for a better career prospect...and He had written it in a way that before this new challenge begin, I would have 'time' to be with my baby. I was reluctant at first but took on this initial challenge...little did I know, all I needed to do was just concentrate on the bigger picture and not dwell on the smaller.  Alhamdulillah, I was able to talk to my mother about my ordeal...she too had sense something was off with me...I had my best friend, who never stopped being concerned of my well being and most of all my husband and my first born who never got tired of dealing with my mood swings and uneasiness...

I got to know M better. I now know what she expects...I now know what she demands of me and I now know that all she needed was for me to open my eyes and my heart and accept her and be excited just like how I was with Daanya.  All she wanted was my attention and my focus on her and listen. Something that I failed to do cause I was too selfish and wanted things to work out for only me. So with that small voice of positivity and with whatever strength I have left, they were my armor. I listened.  Now, I can't seem to tear myself away from her.  I want to make up for lost time.  I put her through too much...too much for just that little person to handle. I am guilty for all the selfishness and for not taking care of myself and handling things much better.  In return she now allows me to love her unconditionally...a feeling that I thought was impossible. Alhamdulillah, Praise the Almighty, Syukur! I don't know if I am truly cured but I hope that I am and everyday I struggle to fight and ward off all the negativity.  It is a lonely battle and so far my sanity is still in tact.  I do find myself getting angry easily but I am a work in progress.  Hopefully, I will be a better mother to Maya more than what she expects me to be. For both my princesses!

Note: At 3 months, Maya is now 5.3kgs, coos and gurgles (loves doing this if you talk to her) and smile since she was 2 months old, taking in 6oz of milk at every feed.poops every 2 days (at the point that this entry was composed she pooped 2 days back to back). Loves her baths now. Holds her head strong since she was 2 days old. Loves to suckle her fingers and lets you know when she is bored and wants to watch tv. She wakes up once at night for her feed and sleeps instantly after.  She has two daytime naps - one in the morning and one lunchtime nap (I read apparently lunch time naps are good for infants with difficulty napping, if you put them down at 12:30-1pm they will eventually learn to nap better and be calmer babies as this is the time that they naturally less productive (http://www.contentedbaby.com/SolvingLunchtimeNap.htm)).  She now follows a routine and I try my level best to stick to that routine.  The first 2 months she sleeps longer with the help of a swing, now we are able to put her down for her naps and sleeps.  She takes the pacifier to help her sleep and only to help her sleep.

***Liberty***

One more day before confinement ends.  This time around, I had vowed to go through the traditional Malay "pantang" in full force.  And that I did.  Though the results are rather satisfying and one must be equipped with the strongest of wills. 

For me recuperating is not the problem...I think the 2nd week in I was already strong enough, of course there were glitches here and there especially with the "urut urat" the first 10 days of my confinement.  The obstacle for me is getting used to Yaya's rhythm (I dcided to call her that!).  Yaya too probably went through a rough 30 days..well not probably, I confirm that she did go through a rough 30 days especially on day 30...

I think the problem was that there were too many distractions that probably caused me not to be able to get hold or get to know her better...of course 30 days is a tad bit too immature to be making any conclusions but at this 2nd last day, that I finally got the best advice and allow me to be able to take it all at a different light. A bit too late? I hope not...

With Dan Dan, I had ample time to get to know her, to know her rhythm and her patterns cause I pretty much had her to care for independently and there wasn't any distractions. I concentrated on her 100%.  The challenge with Yaya was adjustment.  I had to adjust with the fact that Dan Dan is 3 and it is the attention seeking age...I was too busy balancing everything.  Making sure Dan Dan gets the attention, making sure that Yaya's needs are met and at the same time meeting my needs too...I was distracted with making sure the routine is established and of course being a true Capricorn, that routine cannot be messed with else all else would fail.  And true enough, that was what happened...

Only towards the end of the confinement days that I realized that things would be much easier if I played it by ear...of course there were breakdowns...a lot of which in the shower where I cannot help but bawl my eyes out!!!(the only "me" time I could get!)  By this time there were too many negativities in me that I even thought of walking away...scolded myself for wanting this...at the same time blaming myself for being such a useless mother...

But at this 2nd last day, our paed gave me the best advice which I thought was 30 days late but nevertheless I'll take it in...He said, "...it is because you already have the fear in you after what had happened and now you tend to be over protective and over analyzing things...Yaya is an inquisitive baby! (showing us how Yaya is inspecting paed's consultation room.) Why put her to sleep when she doesn't want to? Let her observe her surroundings, let her take it in and she will let you know when she wants to sleep...why bother making sure that she burps after feeding just because our grans tell us to?If after 5 minutes nothing happens, I wouldn't worry about it...it will come out eventually...why worry if she doesn't poo everyday, even if it is every other day, her poop is not with diarrhea substance and there is no blood with the poop, and with a max of 3 days of not pooping, she is fine...as for her painful gas and the rash, I recommend I.s.o.m.i.l cause it is so obvious that she is lactose intolerant. Try it out, and you will find your life will be less agonizing..."

Best advice I ever got throughout this whole 44 days...From his advice I also concluded that I need to be less of a control freak and enjoy that my baby is here and that we all should enjoy her arrival.  If things don't work out, it is ok, take a breather and learn to take it all in and gain the experience from it.  Stop comparing Yaya to Dan Dan!!! The experience is not the same!!! 

This will remain as a mental note from henceforth...

Anyway, happy liberty to me!!!I survived 44 days of confinement...have not gotten to the weight i want yet but in due time, hopefully...Going out today even for my post natal check up was so liberating and I was able to release some stress - to be able to see the outside of my house was such a sight...It was breathtaking and definitely a stress reliever! Woo saaaaa....