Wednesday, April 25, 2007

***The layers of Me***

Layer One: On The Outside
Name : Fini but on the web people know me by kraziefeanie
Birth Date : 31st December 1979
Current status : Married
Eye Colour: Hazel

Hair Colour : Dark Brown
Righty or Lefty : I’m a righty and proud of it!!!

Layer Two: On The Inside
Your Heritage : Malay + Chinese (25% on paternal side)

Your Fears : The Unknown

Your Weakness : My mama’s laksa asam and her sambal tumis and McD’s Vanilla Milkshake and their fries to dip….yum yum
Your Perfect Pizza : Thin crusted double on the beef pepperoni and cheese and somehow I wished that tobasco could come as a topping….lots and lots of tobasco

Layer Three : Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your Thoughts First thing when I wake up : “What time is it?”
Your Bedtime : I used to burn the midnight oil but ever since being pregnant and now with Daanya…10 – 11pm is usually the time to hit the sack.

Your Most Missed Memory : I reminisce the days where ‘responsibility’ was just a word.

Layer Four : Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke : *shriek!!!* Never had a preference for either….but I love Zappel…does that count????
McDonald’s or Burger King : Definitely McD’s…I love their fries dipped in their Vanilla milkshake….*drool*

Single or Group Dates : Single though I don’t mind double dating….
Adidas or Nike : Hmmmm the choice bedazzles me….Adidas? wait Nike? Wait Adidas…Nike…Adike????!!!
Tea or Nestea : Depends on who’s serving…hehehhe

Chocolate or Vanilla : CHOCOLATE most definitely
Cappucino or Coffee : Yuck!!! Gives me the shivers!!!

Layer Five : Do You..
Smoke : Was it 11 years ago?????

Curse : Only when I enraged!!!!
Take a shower : Every chance I get…..

Have a crush : I didn’t marry Brad Pitt…He will always be my crush…Then there’s Chad Michael Murray… I didn’t marry him either…then there’s Hazmy Hazeman…Him, I married..hehhehe
Think you’ve been in love: Definitely!
Go to school : I am a very confused Postgraduate student!!
Want to get married : Been there! Done that!
Believe in yourself : I do!!! Until reality comes smashing into my face!!!!
Think you’re a health freak : Y-E-S!!!!

Layer Six : In The Past Month
Drank alcohol : No
Gone to the mall : Huwaaaa!!! I am in confinement!!! I hear O.U. calling!!!

Been on stage : Nope
Eaten sushi : I craved for sushi when I was pregnant…the last was at concorde Shah Alam on my 8th month pregnancy
Dyed your hair : NOT SINCE 9 MONTHS AGO!!!! Gonna hit the salon right after confinement!!

Layer Seven : Have You Ever..
Played A Stripping Game : hmmmm might resort to that just to jump start on things!!! *angelic smile*
Changed Who You Were To Fit In: “Don't we all” (I quote Baby boon on this)

Layer Eight : Age
You’re Hoping To Be Married : Oooh boy don’t open that door!!!

Layer Nine : In a Girl / Guy
Best Eye Colour : Dark Brown
Best Hair Colour : Black
Short Hair or Long Hair : Short

Layer Ten : What Were You Doing
1 Min Ago : Fed my darling Daanya
1 Hour Ago : Trying to complete this and watching tv in between
1 Month Ago : Gave birth to Daanya
1 Year Ago: Spent our 10th year courtship at Victoria Station….yum steak!!!!

Layer Eleven : Finish The Sentence
I Love : Hazmy, Daanya, Mama & Baba, Siblings and extended family
I Feel : that just when I thought I know of something, I end up knowing nothing
I Hate : not having a plan even just to get through the day
I Hide : the fact that I am clueless
I Need : the loving support and assistance of my husband in bringing up Daanya Ayeesha

Layer Twelve : Tag five people..

I wanna tag....

1. Patricia Lim

2.Irwan Kelana Kamaruzzaman

3.Johan Iskander Kamaruzzaman

haiyaaaa...have to think of the other 2..will add later...

ok...i completely forgot you had a have been tagged!!!

4.Dory Furby

***In My Daughter's Eyes***

Thanks Nana for introducing this song to me. I heard it and wept. Beautiful.

In conjuction of Daanya Ayeesha's one month....

Artist/Band: Martina McBride
Lyrics for Song: In My Daughters Eyes

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an' wise,
And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see:
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak.
I find reason to believe, in my daughter's eyes.

An' when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer.
I realise what life is all about.
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;
It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up.
I've seen the light: it's in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am,
An' what will be.
An' though she'll grow an', some day, leave:
Maybe raise a family,
When I'm gone, I hope you'll see,
How happy she made me,
For I'll be there, in my daughter's eyes

Friday, April 20, 2007

***The Blues - Part 2***

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."
-- Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"

I have decided to separate these postings due to the fact that I need a place to vent and really let my feelings and emotions wander for I know I cannot do that in my reality because I am afraid that my negative aura might affect poor Daanya. I rationally know that I need to be the supreme for her and in my best of health and this include an optimal mental well-being.

The baby blues....I really am crossing my fingers and toes and hope that my state would not extend too far and cross the threshold into Post-partum depression. Insya Allah.

My story began about a few days after Daanya was born. I was going through a whole messy bag of emotions...I was very happy and contented. I had something to show for as proof of undying love for my husband and our marriage. I was terribly terrified of the days ahead in which in my deepest of hearts am not sure whether we are totally ready and up for it. Apart from that, we are now responsible for bringing up another human being and the huge responsibilities that comes with that gives me jitters. I was miserable and depressed because apart of me knew that life would never be the same and that my relationship with Hazmy would have to be taken to a new level and as self-righteous as this may sound I would miss the times when it was just the two of us together and the intimacy that we share just the two of us; the steal-away kisses, the unexpected hug at the end of an exhausting day and just even the simplest thing like watching tv together....

I was messy internally mixed with the rigidity of confinement and the limitations of my bodily kinetics, I was whiny, frustrated and furious at the whole situation. I was so used to being up and about even during pregnancy and confinement is definitely the pits. Anyway, not to digress...alot of my expectation waned as soon as we got home. The first few days were great...we were exhilarated and ecstatic with Daanya's presence. We could not stop staring and gazing at her eventhough all she did was sleep. Instantly we loved her to bits. Everything was how I imagined it. Daanya's mommy and daddy both so happy and cooperating together making us one happy family.

To my dismay, the first breakdown took place when Daanya was rejecting her milk - formula and EBM. She was vomiting and spitting out everything she consumed. Posseting they called this....I was a worried wreck. I did not know whether she had gotten enough food in her system, I was worried that it was more serious than it looks. Hazmy and my dad took her to a paed (who is a friend of Daanya's Tok Papa and Tok Sha - Hazmy's dad and stepmom) and he was terribly officious about his diagnosis that breastfeeding should be the only way to go. This way the child would not be gassy and colicky...yadda yadda yadda....obviously this got me upset...I felt like I was failing Daanya as a mother. I felt so inadequate for making her so unwell. Nobody could have understood what was going through me at that point in time. Felt like a total failure. Cried the night away....Hazmy probably thought that this was just me being too emotional as usual....exaggerating the issue like usual...but let me assure you...that it was no exaggeration. I felt like killing myself for having caused that to Daanya. I felt so hopeless and useless. Felt like my whole world was caving in and that I did not deserve such a wonderful gift like Daanya. I lost the emotional support from my husband that night. It definitely was not something made up. If only he understood a bit more and did not lash out at me with undeserving anger, and consoled me better, this whole thing would definitely not escalate into something more unwanted and negative. The next day, my parents (Daanya's atok and nenek) took her for a second opinion at a nearby paed (Klinik Altaf) and somehow the explanation given by Dr. Sharmila makes a whole lot more sense. She addressed the issue at hand....kind of how I handle things as well...she said that what Daanya was going through was normal as her digestive tract is immature and under developed. The doctor said never too worry...she is consuming enough, she was only throwing out what is excess. Other than that, she was very gassy....her tummy was really really hard. Told my mom to ask for Dentinox Colic Drops (Thanks Nina for the advice!!!Really works wonders!!!) and a few days later Daanya was a bit better. Now she only vomits when she's too full and overfed. I just started massaging her (Another sound advice by Nina...thanks again, you are a lifesaver!!!) to release wind and make her calmer...she is sucha good girl. The massage works. She falls asleep easier now and longer sleeping time...that I have to wake her for milk at times.

The story continues when yet again my emotions were shattered when lightning struck the main board circuit switch at my parents'. I saw the lightning right in front of my eyes while playing with Daanya. My siblings were out at that time leaving me alone at the house. Sometimes calamities can happen anytime regardless of what precautions you may take or even wether anybody was around to attend to it. The main circuit board caught fire as soon as the lightning struck it. I was terrified not for myself but for Daanya. At that point, the only best bet I could do was to go outside so that Daanya would not inhale smoke (by this time the whole house was filled with black smoke) and called frantically for my neighbour to help. Before that I already made a desperate phone call to dad and Hazmy. The neighbors came (Thanks Aunty Pat and Uncle Henry) and managed to take over the situation. Hazmy and Pak Shah (Hazmy's superior) came soon after that and managed to extinguish the fire. (Thank God that Dad reloaded on extinguishers after the last fire) I was traumatised!!! I'll say it again for I cannot stress it enough...I was TRAUMATISED by the whole incident... The only thing going through my mind was Daanya...My little angel was so calm and collected during the whole ordeal. She was not fussy at all. I would imagined her to be wailing her lungs out at my panic state. The fire brigade came after all was calm (I seriously question how they save lives at their speed) and consequently only sat down and waited for the TNB forensic to come. Geesh!!!! So now the house was without electricity... Unanimously all of us decided to bunk at dad's apartment (the one that Hazmy and I are currently staying in for the mean time) until the work on the electricity is completed. Having gone through such trauma, the last thing to do was deprive my family of very much needed support. The only right thing to do was to go through this with them. Some parties failed to understand this. How can I depart from them for opportunity of better comfort when my family was in distress? I do not know how minds of others would make sense of the circumstances but that is how I operate. Think before you take action. I am a realist. I put rationality and practicality before anything else. It is never a habit of mine to impose on others if by any means I can take control and handle the situation to the best of my capabilities.I am a thinker. My personality is that I don't get excited over things easily until it comes true, I do not trust easily, always in one of my mood swings and I go by "Fool me once, shame on me and fool me twice, shame on you." And this is the very reason why only those who are really dear to me and knows me inside out are able to understand me and how I operate. (With this said, I have to say that I miss me besties; Pat, Nurul (Wo) and Ida) . Back to my story....Some people who failed to see me as me. These parties took this mishap as a way to bring me down. Emotionally that is. It is only right for me to be with my family. People mistook this as me playing the hard-to-get card, deliberately choosing to be distant and cold. They claim that it is hard to win me over. But what they failed to see is that I cannot be bought and yes, IT IS hard to win me can ask those that knows me best. I don't get attached easily and this is so true if once you have hurt me. Hazmy who knows me best of all knows this by hard. He experienced it before. I was in confinement!!!! Having been through labor and a traumatic incident. You don't beat someone when they are down. That is not a fair game to fight. The timing was off. How can you drain what is left of my sanity??? I am trying so hard to pull myself together to be strong and not to be pulled into the black hole and end up hurting those I love. Especially now with Daanya present. These parties just chose to put their narcissistic needs before my health, well being and sanity as well as Daanya's best interest. Have a bone to pick with me at least vent it later when I am whole and Hazmy and I are more well adjusted. Daanya will be available in due time. (Thank you Tok Papa and Tok Sha for understanding this fact, you seemed to have instilled more sense into the situation than some who find it difficult to comprehend. I love you guys!!). Another thing is that, I feel that if you have something to say or something you are not well satisfied of, come to me. Do not go behind me and let me hear it off someone else's mouth. One's own niece can never be compared to any other. Remember that!!! But somehow if you feel comfortable with someone else's by all means go ahead. How can I stop you from your own opinions and comfort.

You see, I have so many burdens that rest upon my shoulders. So many to please that it makes me want to puke really. I just do not understand how that while I am in confinement, there are parties that can make me feel so worthless and make me feel so depressed. Especially when I have so so many to consider...especially now where Daanya is concerned. Why is it that it is so difficult to see that? I am sure they have been where I am now. Did anybody put them through what they've put me through?

What is worse is that they've managed to trap Hazmy in the middle between them and me. I love my husband to death and never ever in my hearts of hearts will I ever do that to him....I will never make him choose...never will I put him between a rock and a hard place. I respect and love him too much to do such a thing. And to see him so sad tears me up to pieces. It affected our relationship and I think our marriage will never be the same again because of this whole nightmare. I promise that from this day forth I will never again let outsiders influence my marriage and my relationship with my husband and daughter. Because of this, I have to be unyielding and firm, putting my foot down where my little family is concerned. No more letting others making decisions for me, for us....This is my family and whether or not you like it, it is Hazmy's and mine. We steer our ship our way with Hazmy being the captain and Daanya and I on deck. If we steer the ship right, InsyaAllah it would not sink. Hazmy sayang, we have to steer and prevent our ship from being shipwrecked and sink because this marriage is ours. We are responsible for it for our happiness and for the benefit of our daughter. We make the decisions, we have control, we cannot let others break us apart. Your priority is now us - your wife and daughter before anything else. Aside from that, your responsibility is enormous. You too have many to please, I understand. But please remember the ucap taklik you vowed at our nikah...that your responsibility towards your wife and zuriat take precedence before anything else.

As you can see, I am a whole messy bag of emotions. Sometimes, I stare into deep space before I sleep and think about how low my level of emotions are. Sometimes a pang of regret runs over me thinking what have I gotten myself into? Why did I choose this path? Sometimes I feel that going through life just me and Hazmy was adequate. We were happy. Maybe it will take a while to get to happy...for now I think that we are more exhausted. But I am thankful for God's miracle. Thankful and grateful for Daanya Ayeesha. I really do not know if this is the blues or depression but whatever it is that I feel inside somehow feels permanent, I feel a constant hurt inside. This has come to a point where I sometimes cry myself to sleep. How has it come to this?? I know that this is going to scar me. How can this change me? How will this affect my judgment? Will I recover from this? I surely hope so for my family's sake.

Just a plea to end, Sayang, my love for you and Daanya is undivided. You and I share far more then to have this get the best of us. I do not want to lose you this early in the marriage. I need your support most of all I need you. I need for us to go through this together if possible as independently as we can....go through this new life and its ups and downs together. The reason for this is so that we are able to learn from our mistakes, so that our life will be more meaningful, so that we are able to call this life "our own". We should learn to make our own decisions - what is best for us and our family. Moreover, I want us to bring up Daanya the way that WE want her to be raised. I cannot oblige to others making decisions for us where Daanya is concerned. This is for the very reason that SHE IS OURS!! She is top priority sayang and only the best for her. I do not mind sacrificing my needs to meet hers. Don't you think that as a requirement we should both agree and be happy with any decisions made? Always consult each other. I will never stop making you happy. Syurga I tetap bawah telapak kaki you. I will never contest my love for you and my love for both deserve it equally. Even if it means that my needs come second. Please be sure that whatever we do, our marriage and our relationship is not affected. I seek you to ensure that this becomes a happy marriage and with that result in a happy family. Never obstruct the communication. We work hand in hand...never forget that. Let's always support each other like we did before this new arena.

Daanya, mommy might have her ups and downs...but please be assured that I thank GOD for you. I learn alot about myself since you came along. You make everything clearer. You are my reason to believe. It is because of you I am holding on strong. I don't want to be weak in your eyes. I want to be your hero...Only the best for you darling.

As for my story. I pray that this be it the blues or not will not escalate into something permanent. I have to be strong for the people I love. I want to make this work no matter what. For the time being, I may dwell in my sorrows. There will be highs and lows. I may put up a brave front but internally be at a disarray, let this be my problem should those that don't understand cannot lend emotional support. Let me give surety that I plan to not let this come in the way of my happiness and the happiness of my family. Never will that alter. InsyaAllah.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

***The Blues - Part 1***

-Life's biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late-
-Benjamin Franklin-

This is something I got off The Association of Post-Natal Illness's website. There are parties that are clearly unaware of the existence of Post-Natal Illnesses i.e; Post-Partum Blues and Post-Partum depression. Or some just choose to ignore repurcussions of giving birth...It is not like baking a cake in the oven, when it is ready you are more than happy to have your share. Giving birth is not just popping the baby out and everybody lives happily ever after. Well I thought that a little education can be virtuous.

Many mothers feel very emotional and upset when they have the blues and they cry for no particular reason. They may find that it is impossible to cheer up. Some mothers feel very anxious and tense. Minor problems may cause mothers with the blues to worry a great deal.

Some mothers have pains for which there is no medical cause or they may feel unwell but without any particular symptoms. Most mothers who have the blues feel very tired and lethargic most of the time. Frequently mothers who have the blues have difficulty sleeping.

Possible causes of the Blues.

The blues may have several causes, some biological and some emotional.

When a baby is born there are very sudden changes in the mother's hormone levels. Some, required during pregnancy, drop rapidly, while others like those which start the production of milk, rise. These rapid changes may act to trigger the blues.

Many mothers are unprepared for the extreme weariness, which often follows a birth. The weariness is usually due to a combination of factors. In many cases the mother will have been anticipating the birth with some apprehension. This, as well as the physical exertion of the birth itself, can make mothers feel exhausted. Rest and quiet are most important after a birth. Few mothers get either, as they are busy responding to the needs of the baby, Or, when they might be able to rest, they are disturbed by hospital or home routines or by visitors who may stay too long.

Sometimes the baby may have a slight health problem such as jaundice or feeding difficulties in the early days. These problems are very common with new babies, but they cause mothers great anxiety. The problems do settle down as the baby gets older and mothers should try to talk to medical staff and allow themselves to be reassured that the baby will thrive.

What can be done to help a Blues Sufferer

Mothers who have the blues should be allowed to cry if they want to and allowed to express their fluctuating emotions. If they feel miserable they should not be told to pull themselves together. It can be a great help to the mother if someone listens to her and reassures her that her worries and misery will not last and that she will soon feel better.

A mother who has the blues must have as much rest as possible. It may also help the mother if she is told that the blues are very common and that they will usually pass quickly.

Affected mothers are often over-sensitive about what is said to them by relatives and medical staff. So tact and empathy from the staff can be very beneficial at this time.

Friday, April 06, 2007

***The world welcomes Daanya Ayeesha!!***

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
"And the little prince said to the man, 'Grownups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them.'" -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

We bid welcome to Daanya Ayeesha Bt. Hazmy Hazeman. Our little angel was born 23rd March 2007 at exactly 5:52 pm on the day that Hazmy and I celebrate our 11th year of courtship anniversary. This makes the date even more meaningful where we have our first born daughter to commemorate the occasion after a year of marriage.

She is such an angel...I just cannot find the right and exact words to describe her. Never would I imagine such a beautiful being presented to me in the delivery unit at the hospital after 9 months of evolution in my belly. Her face, her nose, her eyes, her lips, her skin and the works so perfect!!!!The whole experience of giving birth was so unknowing...such much pain, anguish and suffering. It started the night of the 22nd....I was admitted into the delivery unit after a bloody show....That afternoon I had spent some time with my best friend, Patricia at my parents'. It was a fine lovely afternoon where we had spent it catching up after not seeing each other for quite a while. That night after she left there were more to what they termed "bloody show". After checking in into the delivery unit, still with no contraction they decided to put me through induced labor. Meaning that should the baby come it will come on our anniversary. The whole procedure started at 4am 23rd March 2007. The first bottle began its duty.

The pain was bearable at first. I was still able to smile for the camera...Yes, Hazmy just had to take a memento of the occassion. As the hours ticked by the pain was fast becoming such an agony to excruciating!!!I really wanted it to stop...I wanted to halt the whole process. However I picked up my strength and courage and endured the pain for the sake of bringing our daughter into the world...I thought to myself that I have to do this no matter what for my loving and supporting husband. Hazmy, throughout the whole ordeal was such a pillar for me....if he had falter, who knows what would have happened to me and our baby. I loved him an extra bunch for his hand (in which i wounded) and his caring for me while in I understood ended up holding the gas mask for me and shoving it to my face whenever I was desperate for it. Thanks sayang!!!

Almost 14 hours of suffering, our little angel came and made her presence. At that instant, all pain and torture diminished. She was such a sight! I was so proud of her for persevering through it all. My daughter! My very own. Our child.....a mark of our love for each other after so long....and a definite pinnacle to our one year mark of marriage. I loved her instantly. They put her in my hands and all I was able to do was cry realising the verity that something so miraculous and breathtaking could be the end result of such tremendous torment. At that point in time, all that went through my head was GOD is GREAT!!!GOD is MIGHTY!!!I feel so blessed for the wonderful miracle he had bestowed upon us, giving us such a wonderful gift and letting us start our ownlittle family.

With that said, I really cannot wait to start life just the three of us and feel what other newbie parents feel. I cannot wait to start the adjustment process and watching her grow right before our eyes and before you know it she will be off to pre-school and her playgroup then later college...hehhehehe.I have so many aspiration for my little daanya. So many hopes and dreams as how to raise her and the kind of mother I want to be for her. The kind of mother I have always dreamed of being for my children. A person in which they could look up to and come running to whenever they need a shoulder to cry on, a definite pillar of strength....a best friend. This is the very same bond I want established with their daddy too....

To end, allow me to be a bit sentimental...I look at her and I love the fact that she is ours....A symbol of our love for each other....Alot will change, routines will change, priorities will be altered...and I hope to dear GOD that with Daanya in our lives, our relationship will be stronger than ever....that our feelings will not vary....that we will support each other through thick and thin and that nothing will ever stand in our way and in the way of our family. Sayang and baby D....I love you both equally as love for you both is so great and so deep. I am so blessed to have you both in my life and now be able to function together as one happy unit. My love for you both knows no boundaries and limitations. Both of you will always be there together at No. 1 in my priorities list. Permanently sealed.

Ooops gotta go be a mommy now!!!!Ok Daanya mommy's coming!!!