Thursday, April 30, 2009

***Forever missed***

My paternal Grandpa passed on last 23 April 2009. He went just 1 month shy of his 80th birthday. This has been an exceptionally hard piece to write on. It all happened too fast. One minute Hazmy and I were having dinner, a phone call intercepted our conversation, it was my sister telling me that Gran has fallen, unconcious but still breathing. I panicked and packed what was left of our food. Rushed to Gran's only to find him lying there lifeless. We only had to wait the doctor's confirmation. It was tough to see him healthy at one point and with just a blink of an eye, he was gone. I was wailing and regretted not being able to see him probably 10-15 minutes earlier before he went. Just to ask for forgiveness or maybe to recite the "Syahadah"for him..something!

Back before when Daanya was younger (5-6months), both my grandparents would come by to play with her...Gran especially enjoys teaching the "tepuk amai amai" and Daanya would equally reciprocate by clapping her hands together...later on when she learnt to speak she would sing together with him. Progressing on, when my Granny's knees hurt too much that she can't drive anymore, my parents would take Daanya to visit them (they live 5 minutes away). Later on, with both Grans were constantly attacked with fever or flu, my parents try not to bring Daanya over just so that she won't contract them...A week earlier before the passing, it was after dinner as I recalled, Daanya was in the car and she had recited her "tepuk amai amai". Mind you this was after a loooonnnggg time since Gran recited to her...Hazmy and I was at awe that she actually remembered...but Allah knows best...Exactly one week since that, Gran passed on.

There are so many fond memories of Gran but it is still too difficult to write about it here...All I can say is he was a man that take all of God's tests in his stride and marched through his life making the best of what he has. He had children that he was so proud of though maybe he does not say it in so many words. He definitely loved his grandchildren and great grandchildren. He saw the burial of his eldest daughter when she lost her battle with cancer almost 10 years ago. He was a man so simple that never demands for the impossible.

At the day of his burial, Daanya asked what happened to Tok Yang? I had to let her know that Tok Yang went to heaven. Occassionally, she would just say Tok Yang go heaven. I take it that she remembers him still presently. I wonder if she'll remember him years from now. That is why hard as it is, I felt that this had to be written in Gran's rememberance for her if she reads this blog in the future.

Gran, I write this with tears in my eyes cause I was heartbroken when you went away. I am still in so much pain. I felt that I did not get enough of you and your presence during the time that you were still around. It wasn't enough. I needed more. I missed the time when you used to tell us stories of how you worked during oppression, how you put your children through school till they become what they are today, how you used to tell us how you walked to work cause you never knew how to drive, how you used to tell me my dad washed his own clothes and did household chores cause Granny was so strict....I MISS ALL THAT!!! TAK PUAS!!!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

***It's back!!!***

At the beginning of this year, we decided to do up Her Royal Highness' aka Daanya's room...just so that she would have her own space where she can play and feel comfortable in. We had her 3-in-1 cot to toddler bed moved into her room from ours due to this. We thought since she is co-sleeping with us anyway, there is no point having her bed in our room, so in her room it stayed...until yesterday, when I decided that she needs to learn to sleep in her own bed. She initially fell asleep on our bed and later on we carried her onto her own. Boy, it felt great to have the bed to ourselves for a change...Most of all it felt good to actually sleep next to hubby after a looooooong while of having Her Royal Highness in between us and conquering all the space. I almost forgot what it feels like to cozy up next to hubby...***sigh*** and dozing off felt more comfortable and easier too...until, at 2am I heard her voice calling "mummy,mummy" having her hand on my cheeks trying to wake me up...opened my eyes and saw her sitting next to me and saw that I had opened my eyes she said "I want to sleep mummy" as in "I want to sleep next to you mummy" then I said ok come sleep next to mummy and doze off she went...30 minutes later, I transfered her again on her bed and off to sleep I went...then at 5am she did it again...her hand on my cheek trying to wake me up...ok, I said sleep next to mummy...and there she slept comfortably till morning...Come morning she woke up cheery and happy like as though she slept through like a log...while mummy the exact opposite...hmmmpphhhh...

But, we will try at it again tonight and probably days to come and see to it that this sleeping arrangement works...however I anticipate that this will be a tiring process...and a sleepy one at that!!!But we are determined to re-claim our reign...huwaaaa....

Friday, April 10, 2009

***Sit back, Relax & Enjoy the finer things in life***

Everything has been moving in a very fast pace. In a blink of an eye everything just altered right before your very eyes. One day you are so used to the norm and suddenly it came as a shocker what has transpired. Some accept the change with an open heart and mindset and some played it out as though the road ahead would be bleak and would eventually reach its dead end. Some laughed and some cried. Some fled from the scene could not be bothered and some people like me get to sit back and observe. With all that has been going on, I thank my lucky stars and am grateful with all life has to offer in my personal life and also in my career. Ever since Daanya, my priorities started to change. My perspective to what I want out of life has differed since premarital standing. Ever since Daanya, I have pledged that she and my other children to come deserves the best that we can give including our attention. Due to that, career high has not been what I was after. I am grateful for the opportunity given to me to date. I was just reassured the other day during a meeting with my superior that I am still needed as charge de projects where I am currently and that he needs people that he can trust and are responsible. As long as the yearly pay hikes can always be expected and bonuses, I am good to go. What is important is that my aim has always been to be there for my children and seeing to their welfare. I grew up with both my parents chasing after being the best at what they do career wise but at that time it was totally understandable. We were fortunate to get the best of everything due to that. We were comfortable yes, but it tore me to pieces that my parents were not around all the time...My dad did alot of travelling and managing his personnels back then, and mum was and still is the key person crunching numbers for her organization. This is partly why I never saw chasing after a career as one of my top priority. I just want to be with my family and that is my know as I quote a colleague who had said this before to me "whatever happens in the office I don't care, I still have my family, my children and the life out there. The world does not stop just because things are a havoc in the office". I take that in Mr. S and reflected "how true!" Eversince that, actually eversince before that (2 years ago, when Daanya was born actually, the moment she was laid on my body and I instantly fell in love with her and have been addicted to her eversince), this year I have finally made a resolution (check out my 2009 new year's post) to transform my life. To go ahead and do things I only thought or imagined of doing before this and thought that a baby or children was a hindrance to that. This year so far, I have begun to take a breather and concentrate on me and my family. So far all of the projects towards that are well on the way...and to GOD I pray that it would all be smooth sailing, Insya Allah. I have been so happy and content with this process of transformation under my wings so far that I cannot wait for the outcome. Personal and family KPIs for the 1st quarter are right on target!!! YAHOOoooo! So here I sit, set out to enjoy the finer things in life and making that my life goal, while things are revolving around in the office and in the world day to day. Of course a promotion would be a bonus but until then I am content doing what I am doing and loving it ;)