Friday, May 16, 2008

***To each their Own***

William Blake once wrote; "There are things that are known and thing that are unknown, and in between, there are doors.

So many things feels unsettled lately. And this post is so overdue. I had to face my inner demons and deal with this uneasiness in my mind and sort out all these balls in the air...I somehow was pulled into this dark place and it was so hard to get out from. Something in my life is amiss. There is something missing. I've always been on top of the game and always know what I want for myself and my life. And lately I feel it all crashing down on me.

I feel like I really don't have it all together. And I keep looking and thinking back of the things that led up to all of these and I cannot help but blame myself for it. I traced back all the decisions and choices, all the path that led me up to this point and wondered why am I here in this place? What is my purpose? Am I being a good person, a good mother, a good wife? Worse of all, I even thought of whether I was supposed to be a wife or even a mother? I feel that there is supposed to be more that I am to achieve..there has to be something more to this life. I feel as though my life lacks the excitement it deserves...I feel that I worked so hard and now whattt??

It feels as though my life has been going through a downward spiral and I don't know when this dark cloud is going to blow over.Call me selfish, I don't reality this is what I am feeling and it is haunting me. I want so much and feels that everything is so limited.

I have my own little family but I feel sad that my daughter is not being brought up the way I want her to. She spends most of her time in a sanctuary of love as I would call it where everything that she does is ok..its tolerable..where people shower her with all that she desires and could even walk away with murder. I know I know she's only 1. and call me dramatic. but if this keeps up we maybe raising a girl that would think her parents are mr. and mrs. bad guys. and every time disciplining takes place she would run to her grandparents and all 3 sets of them. I hate the fact that she is not growing up in the comforts of her own home and sad that whenever we return from the rat race she's not there to welcome us...I don't know how long we can keep this up and yes, little Daanya is attached still to her mummy but I can see her character enveloping and I get dissapointed every time she would slam her body on the floor when she does not get what she wants and cry to get her way. And I hate it that everytime she does that and when mummy and daddy were trying to enforce boundaries, she gets swooped by her lifesavers. Frustrating! It is so frustrating that she is never home long enough during the weekends just so that mummy and daddy can keep up with our chores...yes, there is ironing, cleaning and washing to be done too.......***sigh*** I don't know how long we can keep up with this arrangement.

On top from all of that I feel a downward spiral on my career too. Not that I am not doing well at work...I just don't feel the challenge and excitement for it anymore. I got into my career of choice because it is noble. Now, with the change in direction of the organization, I just lost the motivation and the drive. Maybe going into this was a mistake from the start. Maybe I started in this line too young..I don't know..but somehow I know that this is no longer for me. I do get all excited to be in front of my students and anticipate classes but the reality is that it is hard to feel relevant anymore with a different direction. I need a new challenge. I know that I am built to be significant and liaise, meet and socialize..Lately it has just been too depressing at work.

I feel that whatever significant in my life is taking a detour. I feel so detached from things. Feels like I don't have control on all the outcomes. On top from all of that I still feel like there is a big void. I don't think I know who I am anymore. I wake up every morning losing my sense of purpose, my sense of direction. I need to find my pillar, my foundation. But everytime I do I tend to lose it instantaneously. Why is that? I need to go back and search for my faith and this time I hope to hold on to it. I need some soul and self searching. I need to feel happy again and I need to find myself again. I need to feel alive again. Need to be happy again. Is this depression? I cannot explain this dark cloud hovering over me. I am not expecting a life with me as the protagonist. But I need a life that makes me feel whole and connected. I guess every girl in the process of growing up has all these fantasies and envision her version of the perfect life and I guess mine did not really turn out the way I pictured it. I think realising that I now know that I can do something about it. Maybe finally I can hang pictures on the walls of our home. Hopefully I can come out of this whole.