Thursday, January 03, 2008

***2007 - A reflection & Hola 2008***

"Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.'"

Oh my...2007 came and went so quickly that I personally thought I barely exhaled the whole year...There were many many memorable moments and also equally moments that I regretted and really wished didn't happen. hmmm why do I get a feeling that this I am going to go sentimental on this post?

Anyhooo, 2007 marked the 2nd year of our marriage. We definitely faced our fair share of trials and tribulations...and am very proud to say that we are still hanging strong.Of course that there are times when we are faced with so much difficulties, so many downs...I am glad that he is so committed to me and the marriage and know that this is a constant work in progress. I admit that I can be difficult and complicated but often times I love it when you meet me in the middle and understand my convictions and principles.

Delivered Daanya Ayeesha bt Hazmy Hazeman on the 23rd of March 2007. The date that marked 11 years of relationship with Hazmy. Wow, that feels like a gazillion years now...I remember it all too well..how it all started, how we met and what we went through as teens and that transition to adulthood and now, parenthood...Daanya is the perfect embodiment that marks those victorious
years that her daddy and mummy stayed loyal and true to each other to this very day...Giving birth to her and enduring those 14 hours of labor have been such a triumph for me in 2007. It was such a wonderful and beautiful experience and looking at her now makes me so proud that she too had battled it out with me that day of March 23rd. My love for her was so immediate and her existence was so anticipated and expected, right on target...God, I just love her so unconditionally.

I experienced having the baby blues for a while after Daanya came. Felt like a total failure most of the time and really thought that I was not up to it..not good enough to take care of her and be a good mum to her that I can never provide enough for her. That she deserved better. There were many interferences at that point during my confinement period (of which I'd rather not repeat). I prayed and prayed that I don't fall into postpartum depression and let whatever I was going through
be hormonal knowing that at that point those hormones were probably all over the place. Glad I went through that and learned that for everything I was not good at was only a lesson for me to get better and be a better caretaker for my baby. Our marriage was also tested then and had almost given up all hope and had pictured going through life just Daanya and I.But thank Allah, I did not act so irrationally. Hazmy, the man I fell in love with came through at the end bearing all the qualities and character that I thought was gone and they surfaced just in time for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.Really did not know whether I can do it alone really...but you know lar we tend to overreact sometimes but deep inside I kind of knew that what I decided then was not an overreaction...it was kinda dead set....but now that I reflect back... what marriage is without good and bad, downs and ups,calm and mayhem..

Things pretty much went uphill for me after that...my obgyn found an ovarian cyst during my 5th
month pregnancy and as long as the cyst was not proving as an obstruction to the pregnancy, we can just monitor it. Daanya came, went through 44 days of confinement, moved back into our apartment waiting to complete the 60 days maternity leave and then it happened, one morning, had severe lower tummy ache and couldn't walk as it was too painful. Obgyn said "your cyst has twisted and we need to remove it today" cried and cried the whole day that day...worried that I might not be around for Daanya should I don't wake up...horrific, I know just at the thought but that was the reality of it...."what happens if????" kept on replaying in my head like a broken dvd player (haha?).They found another cyst during surgery on my other ovary and removed that as well...saw the pics and the first thing i thought.."OMG"!!it's hugeeeeeeee!!!went through that...secured myself another 40 days leave.....wahhhhh...but at a sacrifice...cannot carry baby D at all until 3 months.Back to my parents we went...So basically I went through 2 confinements in 2007 and that actually took alot from me having being unproductive for almost half the year though some may say that it is good that you have that time to recuperate. Having not being able to carry Daanya basically made me lost it la...I was afraid she could not recognize or remember me.....went into a mild depression especially when Hazmy was not there most of the time...slept alone most of the nights because first, Daanya slept with my parents and second, we were in the midst of moving into our very own place finally and he had to basically moved our stuffs by himself...

One of the perks of 2007 was moving into our new home..it may not be much, sometimes I thought not even up to par with my standards (I am being honest here, so go with me, without judging!)but
at what we were earning, we were lucky to be able to even purchase it and call it our own at our age...it's a bit small but actually big enough for just the 3 of us. It was not a newly built house or anything...bought it over from the previous owner at a price below market cause the owner was desperate to sell so that they can move into a bigger home as they had just added into their family a new baby. Nice people. No fuss..Lucky for us actually, we need not spend on fixtures but basically need to spend on repairs and what not...but that's ok for a beginning don't you think. Basically now at the time this post is written, we are finally looking into getting some work done to the house and improving it aesthetically. So slowly lar...bit by bit...as of now, things are still pretty much in boxes...until I get my muse working again and see how I can decorate the place and make it livable and nicer and guests-friendly...hehehehe.

Things were pretty much the same at work...only that I have that nagging feeling that I want to be home taking care of Daanya instead. A norm to a new mummy I bet. So most of times w
hen I have nothing important other than classes, I would just head to the carpark and go home..hehhehe (perks of being an educator!) I was able to be there for her whenever she was sick and took care of her during those times when she was diagnosed with bronchiolitis.Alhamdulillah, she has not had anymore symptoms after that one attack...and it's been 3 months now, Insyaallah...saw every little development and milestones that she went through...everything was rather fast for her..she turned over at 3 months, crawled at 5 months, stood up at 6 months and now waiting for her to take her first step..So as you can see, she doesn't give us very much space to enjoy her developments and I personally think that she is on a mission to keep us on our toes!!!Not much time for relaxing only when she's sleeping. ***sigh***

Had a birthday recently and celebrated our 2nd year of marriage with the presence of the essence of our lives now, Daanya Ayeesha....got a number of memorable, never-to-forget birthday presents from the people I love and as closure to the year that was 2007, a year that holds many many unforgettable memories - an equal balance of highs and lows. I am still standing firm here and moving on from mistakes and picking up from lessons learned. A year that thought me
so much to be an adult, to make mistakes as an adult and to make decisions like an adult. Finally it hit me that I have a little one to consider and would want to offer her the world at least my world as imperfect as it can be though I do try my best to make it flawless. Quite proud that I persevered the lows of 2007 and thought that it brought color and made me a stronger person, most definitely.

Bring on 2008! In mind, nothing I would go through after this can challenge my 2007 but I do hope that 2008 will shape me into a better, stronger person, wife and mother. I pray untuk dimurahkan rezeki and success career wise (even if it means a career change!). I want to put so many things behind me and I see 2008 as a jump-start to what lies ahead of me. Last year, I battled alot of personal challenges, this year I want to rise from all that complexities and find my way back to the path that was planned for me. Insya Allah. Other than that, I just want to concentrate on watching Daanya grow (she is turning 1 this year!)..cannot afford to blink cause I may miss something...and most of all be happy and content with the life that I have chosen and the lives I am responsible for.Insya Allah.



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