Wednesday, October 26, 2005

**Epiphany**

I did a lot of thinking recently. Not that I never did before. You get the picture!!! I underwent a lot changes recently. It is now heading towards the end of October, and so far it has been quite a ride through the year. The way I see it, I ventured myself through quite a radical evolution just this year alone. I started the year, thinking "OK, now what??" but who would've known that from that nothing would lead me to where I am at right now in October.

Ok, first there's my current employment position. A lot of people admit that they never get to become what they've always wanted to be, I guess I am lucky. 4 years ago, I told myself that I want to do this and I will strive indefinitely to be just that. 4 years later, I am here. Though I would love to hang around long enough to enjoy the perks of it all, my superior granted me one year off work to further my studies and that is a whole different headache all together.

My post-grad classes are very intimidating and overwhelming. I started off a very terrified student. Everything was moving too fast too intensely. Everything was so confusing. I felt and still feel as though I know nothing (an overstatement, really!! I know nothing!!!) At first I don't think that I am up for the challenge. I experienced a few breakdowns. Picked myself up and decided to take things one step and one day at a time. You see, I don't think I have it in me to brace myself with such crest of confidence and I still don't. I do not want to fall short of the expectations that have been set for me. The level of expectation that I evidently have set for myself mysteriously!!! But nevertheless, I am still trudging this path. Never say DIE right?? The term is about to end. Even though I can never be more perplexed than when I started, this is something that I am doing for myself. We'll see what happens consequently at the end of this term.

I miss hanging with my support system; Patricia, Ida and Nurul. Patricia, I miss you tremendously and miss the days where we used to just hang and lay back. I do wish we could exchange notes on the wedding planning. At the same time, I am happy that you met your man and finally settling down. Things may not always be a bed of roses but remember that at the end of the day, we need to think back on the things that made us choose our men and the good that they've brought upon us. Ida!!! sweetie, I miss our silly and crazy days!!!Hanging with you allows me to forget the grown up stuff we are held responsible for. I love being a child when we are together and just bitch away "kutuk" ing others...hehhehehe...I love that I get to be open with you and that you will never judge me!!! Miss you damn banyakkkkk....Nurul, baby!!! I miss my lil sis!!! I miss the days where we just vent, confide and talk about everything under the sun.Where are you???? but I know I will see you soon enough!!! Just don't go totally A.W.O.L on me (nanti bukan the runaway bride, runaway maid of honor lakkk) ;)

Ajon, Eja, I miss you guys too!!! bila nak gila-gila ni??? Though it was just last month we hanged till we dropped and posing maut for the camera (Eja, aku nak semua gambar-gambar tuh!!!). Ajon, I love the fact that you are attentive to my bitchin and that you don't judge me! I love the fact that we can always turn on each other for support! Eja, kau jauh sangat!!!! hehhehehe...

I lament the fact that I don't chill and hang out more this year. I really don't know whether there is time for that now that it is so close to 'THE DAY'. But I do comprehend that I need to have that equilibrium fixed. But at certain check points, with so many things going on, I have to admit a nice quiet time to myself is heavenly. Hence, the birth of solitude!!!*ehem ehem*.

The house is still in its revamping process and it is really killing me to think that it is not done yet. Will it ever??? I need my space back!!! I need to roam freely and the parental unit is getting a bit too tight since the whole thing started plus I am getting too acquainted with my already very familiar room and things are starting to perpetuate into a routine. It is bad enough that I think my bed has been mystically put under a spell that every time I start reading, or lay on it, it draws me to sleep even when I am not sleepy ;P. I do wish that the construction and refurbishing would just end now *blink*.......or maybe NOW!! *blink* nnoooowwww *blink* well, worth the shot!!! *sigh*

And then there's the wedding! but that deserves a whole new pain killer and a whole new posting of its own...coming soon to a blog near you ;)

The other thing that I am proud of so far this year is getting to know ALLAH. That feeling is just wonderful. One moment I know I am not ready to face Him but on the other I owe him a lot. A lot I need to be thankful for. A lot that He has given me and yet I have never returned. And not forgetting to mention, alot of sins to seek forgiveness for. I am grateful that He has not totally closed all doors for me and there will be times that I play truant, but I hope He understands that I am inhaling whatever I can get and gripping whatever I am able to as things rapidly plummet in my life without control.

But 10 months down 2005, I have to say that I am very proud of the person that I have become because of these changes. Though I have to pave my way slowly yet surely with all the painful and stressful cumbersome load I am carrying ahead with me, it is excellent to know that I have set out to attain my resolutions for the year. At least most of it. And that is disparate for me. Usually my new year resolution is just to get through the year as least painful as possible. Though the painful part remains quite intact, I am content so far with 2005. This year so far has allowed me to set myself and prepare myself in realizing my future. 2 more months and a whole new chapter begins for me as an individual, a child, a sister and adding to the list a new bride and wife. If someone were to ask, am I really ready for all that is ahead of me? I would unquestionably retort "HELL NO!!!" but I know I will never let my defenses down, and as this is not a cliche, slowly I will pave my way one step and one day at a time.

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ms. maid of honour said...

hey u !! I'm so touched!! you landed a spot for me in your blog... :) i can't wait for the house to be done and i can't wait for THE DAY. i hope the preparations are going smooth and well. although i must say, rush and 'kelam kabutness' is fairly common so don't u worry bout a thing. miss u loads. kirim my salam to everyone. i better get my butt back to work. love u loads hunn

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