Wednesday, January 21, 2009

***Au Revoir 2008, Bonjour 2009***

2008 came and left with just a least that was what it felt like. I really don't know whether it is me or just my "about-to-go-insane" imagination and gut feeling that raising a child automatically consequent day and night to just come and go at light speed. ***sigh*** 2008 have placed its fair share of chronicles onto my wall of memoirs...but what's definite are that there are lessons to learn from all highs and lows, happy and sad...

Looking back through it all, I constantly thank the "Force-from-up-Above" for our little Daanya everyday of my life since she came into the world. The year proved to us how fast she's grown into the little person that she is. I choke and sometimes get teary eyed reminiscing through her baby photos and really am amazed at how she evolved from this incapable little baby into being so get-out-of-my-way-mummy independent. Suddenly mummy is not so significant anymore :( I do find myself guilty of still wanting to shield and protect her from all the bads in the world right down to the tiniest of germs and viruses to the big bad wolves that we find ourselves constantly afraid of too. But as she grows and grows so quickly and notably, I have to learn to let go a little as hard as it may seem. This makes me a teeny weeny sad. Soon she is going to learn how to fly and leave the nest huwaaaaaaaa (drama much?? haha) Yeah, but that is the reality of it and somehow I think I am getting bouts of depression just thinking about it...I dunno...some say that it is time to think and plan for another baby...then when I rationalize and I look at Daanya and she makes me feel so undivided. That having her is enough for now, that I want to enjoy having her to myself for a liiiiittle bit longer. Also pangs of pity arises at the thought of her having to share us with her sibling(s). Is it crazy to think this way?? Perhaps some might say...but I really don't give a S*** cause that is just how I feel about it...maybe I am not ready though there are parties already making their thoughts be heard loudly..but to contradict myself yes, I would love to go through the whole process over again, taking care of the little one, the whole night feeding routine, the whole mumbo jumbo....perhaps when the time is right and I don't hesitate at making the decision...perhaps when I don't see the need to rationalize and that at one snap I know that I want another then maybe that is the right time...could be next week or next year or even the next 5 years who knows....for now let me give Daanya complete attention and eventhough she does at times get claustrophobic and say "mummy sit there" (telling me to sit away from her) while she attends to her business of wrecking her toys, running up and down
or even while watching Barney, I really don't care...Daanya let me assure you that I will smother you at every chance I get even till you find a man and settle down and smother your own, I will do just that!!! muahahahahahhahaha!!!!

On the marital front, things are smooth sailing. We've been married now 3 years as of last Dec 31st but over the 13 years we've known each other, I found myself just having to constantly adjust, adapt and tolerate. I guess it's ditto for Hazmy as well. But as everyday comes and with a little one on the side plus with busy career schedules, I do find myself sometimes missing the attention and the times alone. On the other hand, I thank Hazmy for always being there, for always being open to communicate, for accepting me (flaws and all) and the demands that I make (yes, I can be a pretty difficult woman!hahaha). I thank the Al-Mighty for you for you have shown me and taught me so much. I really cannot imagine living without you for you, you show me so much strength and patience though you are crumbling inside. I love that we are always on the same page when it comes to raising Daanya and managing our household. I can be whiny, impatient and nagging most of the times (hahaha) but you always portray such patience and taught me to see the light....Thank you. Oh, and thank you for the wonderful birthday treat...I loved every minute! Our getaways which took place last December and early January was so much sacrificed so much even at the expense of your own needs to give us the best of everything and it will be those times that is cherished and remembered...

Turning 29...I am still on the fence on this one! One thing for sure is the feeling is so different from the feeling and excitement of turning 21...No doubt everyone gets older but I find that as you get older a birthday is just another birthday. I don't anticipate it as much anymore. However, I do find myself reflecting on my life more now. What have I accomplished, am I happy or on the contrary, is all know those kind of things. And somehow there is this voice hovering over me telling me that there is so much more to see, achieve and accomplish. So many opportunity and experiences yet to be grabbed. The more I reflect the more I realised that there is this void within me that I just cannot have on handle on what it is...I do know that that void is the result of me not being satisfied with so much in my life, resultant of me being so depressed and feeling so unaccomplished, feels as though that thing to be achieved is so near yet so far...I really do not know how to explain this but that's just how it is....well it is my inner demons to deal with and I would probably need to do some soul searching to get answers though in my heart of hearts I roughly know what it is but have yet to confirm that it is...(am I making any sense???)

Anyhoo, other perks to the year that was 2008 among many also saw the birth of Dhiren Kumar Lim Vasudevan, baby boy to my best friend, Patricia....he is such a cutie...and I am so happy for their little family. Dhiren was so anticipated and much awaited...such joy...I am so proud of my best friend...Sweets, you will be the best mother I assure you!

Then there was that time when my brother Joe starred in the DiGi ad as well as Brylcreame facial wash...he will appear in other ads along 2009, Insya Allah. Good for him if only he could learn to save the money he gets from them ads rather than spending them one shot!!!

My sis, Manja has completed school though I keep reminding her that SPM is just the first step. The entrance to a bigger complex arena...if only she could see the world through my eyes at my standing point right now...

With every high comes its lows..and ours came in the events where my Atok and Hazmy's nenek fell ill. They are both braving through their illnesses and am so proud at their developments. Other than that Daanya also was admitted a few days before Hari Raya...and that was very testing even for me...I had a taste of what it felt like to have your child in distress and if not much what a mother would feel to lose a child. I would not dwell into it any further but Alhamdulillah she was so brave to have gone through that ordeal.

All in all it was a satisfactory year. A year of reflection as I would now call it...A year that matured me and made me think of what is important and significant. A year where I treasure and cherish those moments shared with people I love and that made it clear enough that I am at my happiest being with these people - families and friends included.

So with that, bring on 2009! I expect some soul searching is due and I have many many questions needing its answers...Perhaps it would be a year of transformation (how do I come up with this terms??? Don't ask..somehow along my path through 2008, I picked up being melodramatic!) That would be my resolution for transform!!!hehe I cannot help but smile at that last sentence...can't help thinking of the movie...hahhahaha hopefully not into a robot mentally and emotionally la hahaha...We'll see how this resolution goes....Well, as a family we have alot to achieve the first half of the year...we'll see how that goes too...will report on it if it materializes...otherwise in it goes into the pending tray...but I hope to trudge through 2009 along with its bumps expecting to learn more and turn me into a sensible adult especially now with a kid in hand and turning the big 3-0.....Insya Allah....