I was off from work yesterday. Being pregnant gets the doc's empathy everytime...So, like all the other days when I am unwell, I decided to declare the day a lazy day...catch with the idiot box and old movies...
After hubby left for work, I began my conquest of a lazy day...and it started with an episode of Oprah...it was an episode where Ms. Oprah and her guest Marianne Williamson talked about and explored the miracle of midlife. Though I may be no where near, but the topic sparked my interest and somehow intrigued me. It made me realize the many things about myself that I have yet to explore and at the same time made me ask myself alot of questions that somehow I just did not have any answer for....
You see, I have been in a rut of a situation...career wise...where do I begin?? In all honesty...I seriously do not know what my forte is...people at work including my superiors say I am excellent at communicating and that I do it very well...they also told my that my excellence also reside in my desk work outputs...in my recent appraisal, my superior told me that I produce excellent paperwork and that I have never failed him when all that he needed from my unit were all at my fingertips. Though I am thankful that I have that, but it does not satisfy me cause with guilt, every time someone praises me exactly that, I have no feeling of content nor satisfaction not at the slightest bit. Not because I want to be better but because I don't find love or passion in what I do...I am half type A and naturally whatever I do, I want to do the best and a poor outcome out of my endeavors are never accepted. This ironically was also how I was trained as I was growing up.So yes, I find no passion in my work and tasks in the office, no satisfaction, never complacent about what I do...to me it is just a job that would pay the bills.Bottom line, it is very text book - I have to work, I have to have a job cause I have bills to pay and a family to help support.
This has somehow over the years, caused my to be very depressed when it comes to matters of career. I do observe friends of mine who has found passion in what they do and I so long for something or rather a career that I can be passionate about and proud of. A career rather than a job!
So, watching this particular episode of Oprah has made realize how they urge their audience to find their life's purpose...In this episode there were a lot of testimonials of women who were inspired and had career changes at 40 or 50...some left their corporate career of 6 figured incomes to open a flower business and some of course were still in search...the key was to search for your life's purpose...to begin the search and never say it is too late cause it is never too late...I want to do that! I want to search for what my purpose is...I know I cannot stay in this rut forever and let it be mundane eventually...I can't go on the remainder of my young life not trying...I am a super fighter and used to be an achiever...what happened to me?
Of course, the opportunities that lies out there never helps...it is a dog eat dog world and also a who you know world...why is it that nobody wants to give you a chance to learn? and the opportunity to be good at what you do though you might be a newbie and let you grow from that? This whole career issue has always been my 100 tonnes burden...and I always end up at a dead end...and at that dead end, I always resort to "As long as I get my check at the end of the month!" or "I am lucky to even have a job and to be where I am" so I end up giving up and taught myself to be complacent. Just typing that makes me feel depressed....
But you see,I never used to be that way...I used to go after what I want...it makes me feel even worse that I do not what am I supposed to be doing????????This question seems to make a comeback every time!!! Aside from work, I love being at home with my family...I love playing my daughter, I love taking care of things at home...I love making sure that our priorities as a family are always in tact...I love being a part of the decision making for the best of my family...I find much content in domestic issues of the household knowing that all this has its purpose...where as at work, I am not after anything...just do my job like what is expected of me and to please people depending on what I do and what I produce.........
So, how do I begin finding this life's purpose when I do not know where to begin...I do not know what am I good at? Dropping everything and starting fresh is not an option...though I credit an advice from the loving Nurul to do so...She said "Kak, all will fall into place,He will guide you" though I am tempted to do so, I just can't...
This is what I know so far...yes, I am good with communicating with people..I always make sure that my desk work outputs are immaculate, I always have this creative spark in me that somehow I want to unleash but I don't know what exactly those talents are cause I dabble a lot...I also have this urge to be free and not be confined...
I just need to work on it more...but I know that things must change and to think about "me" for a change...THINGS MUST CHANGE!! for me to be a whole and complete...
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