Wednesday, November 23, 2005


"Someday, the beach might wash away…the oceans may dry…the sun could dim but on that day, I’ll still be loving you. Always and forever. I promise you. "

Hazmy Hazeman, whose name is of Arabic, Malay origin; a name meaning "Firm, Careful and Bright"

My first true love, the love of my life, my soul mate, my forever best friend, my everything...mi amor. Our history goes way way back . 9 years and 8 months precisely. We met in 1996 by circumstance. Two total strangers introduced by faith whose paths intertwined, changing the course of both our lives forever.

He had been not my usual pick of a partner...he possessed all the wrong criteria; he was troubled, he didn't give a care in the world, lost in the world of thorns, a rebel, a lost cause, a lost soul....funnily enough as I got to know him better, he contradicts every facet of his exterior. Those early days in the beginning, he made me laugh and he was so easy to talk to. He accepted whatever you have to say without being condescending and judgmental, just neutral. He listened and laughs no matter how silly your funnies maybe. As time goes, my everyday would not be complete without hearing and dashing after the ring of the phone with his voice at the other end at 2pm after school
everyday . I had fought every instinct telling me to pursue wherever this path might lead me to. I was afraid. He was trouble. At that time alot was involved, it was complicated, too complicated. I didn't want it to become personal, didn't want it to get emotional. Boy, was I dead wrong!!! As any girl would have done, I went against my gut feelings. This boy was the total opposite of me...he was independent, he was a survivor and for all the wrong reasons. He didn't have a path at the time, no goals and I had mine all set ready to be chased. What did I just get myself into??? I knew that this was crazy, it wasn't going to work, we were from different worlds. But my heart beats twice as fast just at the thought of his name, his smile, his warmth...just at the thought of HIM, I feel all tingly and woozy!!!

I thought then that there was no way that I can go after my dreams and objectives with distractions. I didn't want to get dissapointed, I didn't want to get hurt again and again and again. I didn't want to go through the pain and tribulation of a heartache.Not again, not ever. He claims that he is different and that he would never hurt me like the others did. Now where have I heard that before? He was a guy, a member of the opposite sex...of course he is gonna hurt you...somehow he is going to find a way to. I stood my ground. I built this fort around me so that he could never get close at least not close enough to hurt me. We were a couple who were total strangers the first nine months...we didn't hold hands, we didn't let it get personal, he went his way and I went mine. We were casual. And that was alright by me.

We got to know each other better as the years pass us by. We talk about anything and everything. I began to accept him just the way he is. I accepted his flaws and I loved his good traits. He had accepted me for me. I have fallen in love. I have never felt anything like that before. Words literally wasn't enough to describe the feeling. I wanted to spend my everyday with him, I wanted my world to include him and I wanted his to include mine. I fell for him, big time!! And that was more than alright!!! It had been and still is a beautiful feeling.

9 years down the road, I am still in love. We are still in love. Though the course of our lives change, the lost soul is no more lost, he found his track and pursuing his dreams, and the girl who claims that she was the opposite of him, have achieved partially what she had planned for herself. The best part was both was never and had never been a distraction to each other. Both completed each other. Both achieved the unexpected!

Sure, there were trials down our path. We picked ourselves up everytime we fall. And that is exactly what I love about him. He never gave up on me. He never gave up on us. He thought me the meaning of independence. He thought me the meaning of happiness. He showed me that not everything is perfect and that is OK. He thought me to believe and have faith. He takes very good care of me and I have always wanted that, a person who cares and gives a damn. He is every man for me and I love everything about him. He completes me in every way possible. And I am so content that he had mold himself to be just what I expect him to be. I am so proud of the man that he has become.

Sayang, I have to admit this post was difficult to compose and there is still so much that I want to say but cannot let out because there are just no words to describe what I am feeling and what I have been feeling over the years. We've never kept anything from each other and I hope that this post would make clear of those that happened in the past years. Though I am sure you already know. Yang, as we are about to embark on this new journey, I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and soul. I am scared to start this new life with you as you know I have never gotten over my phobias on heartbreak and dissapointment. But I believe that you are going to walk me through everything, every experience, every happiness and even through the dissapointment. I may not always be the good wife, but I assure you that I will never back out from being your support system. I will never ever stop loving you no matter how annoying and possessive you can be sometimes :P. There will be ups and downs, I guarantee of it. And I am happy and looking forward to go through all that with you. I am looking forward to become your wife and am looking forward to living together as husband and wife.

I thank GOD everyday for giving me you. You will always be my miracle. You are my definition of love. I love you.

He showed me that you can find the good in everybody, if you just give them a chance. The benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, people disappoint you. Sometimes they surprise you. But you never really get to know them…until you listen for what’s in their hearts and that’s what he did with
me. So for you skeptics out there, prepare to be surprised.