Thursday, December 15, 2005

***Wedding Daze part 1***

"Joseph Conrad once wrote: 'Who knows what true happiness is, not the conventional word.. but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, that wears a mask, the most miserable outcast hugs some memory.. or some illusion.'"

"Stephen King once wrote: 'Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away.. and in the end.. there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometime we lose them there again.'"

Wow, how fast time flies!!!We were engaged only a year ago and it feels as though it was just yesterday...I had many opportunities to rekindle memories of the past and these memories permitted me to substantiate and rationalize our relationship right from the very beginning about 10 years ago to this very moment. I have to admit, I have been feeling claustrophobic lately and somehow I think I need more that a small brown paper bag to regulate my breathing. OXYGEN has definitely been essential these days....

As days trudges by, one question has been constantly wearing out the play button..."Is HE the RIGHT one?" and man am I terrified should circumstances heads otherwise. I was positive that over the years I have made my choice, that he is the one I do want to share my life with.Now, when comes to the moment of truth, I am not sure anymore. I feel that it is during these time that I need constant reassurance, for him to be there for me, for us to be there for each other, for us to tell each other how excited we are for this coming wedding, that we are finally going to build our lives together as one. But somehow I am not feeling that way. Somehow I am not reassured. Somehow I am not sure. Hmmmmm that word seems to be popping up alot!!!! We haven't really had the time for each other lately and it kills me that we hardly talk. "I love you" seems a distance away now. I know that it is too late for these uncertainties, if I am sure I should just be sure right? But there are just too many questions that heeds answers.

Will we be able to take care of each other? Will we meet each other's expectations? Will we be able to work together or will the initial years tear us apart? "Questions....questions...questions" Arrrrggghhhhh....What the hell is wrong with me?? I thought I I just don't know.

I just don't want him to hurt me...I don't want to be a victim of a failed, communicationless marriage....I don't want us to take each other for granted...I don't want things to change between us....I know that that is nearly impossible...but I am adamant, I just want us to remain just the way we are now...loyal and comfortable and of course in love.I know I am in way over my head....I am thinking too much...but you just cannot help it....normally what we see in the movies presents the opposite. The groom is the one that should freak out...and man, my groom is as calm as the sea after the storm and my standing is more like those tidal waves about to hit shore. I guess I just want to be happy regardless....and happy to me is a life full of laughter, good and unforgettable memories, to be able to come back to each other, communicate and love each other without restrictions, without boundaries and be forever faithfull and supportive till death do us part minus the heartaches and heartbreaks.*sigh*

The fact is that I cannot imagine myself being with anybody else but him. He is perfect for me and anybody else would just fall short compared to him. I really do hope that things won't change between us...another heartache and dissapointment would just directly check me into the looney bin, I swear!!!I really love what we have now. I think the claustrophobia is mainly caused by all these uncertainties that I just do not have the answers to and that kills me. But I do acknowledge that marriage is a gamble and that it is a constant work in progress. I promise that love isn't easy, I promise that there'll be time apart but I swear that it comes from my heart and I promise you're the only one for me. I believe in you and me and I believe that we can make it through anything. I just hope that you'll work with me towards our perfect life...Just promise that all my insecurities are just a fiction of my imagination and that it will never happen. Just promise that you'll stand by me and our marriage through thick and thin just like you always have. I may not always be that perfect wife but I will try to be the best I could be for you....I love you before,now, today, tomorrow, always and forever.