Friday, April 20, 2007

***The Blues - Part 2***

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."
-- Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"

I have decided to separate these postings due to the fact that I need a place to vent and really let my feelings and emotions wander for I know I cannot do that in my reality because I am afraid that my negative aura might affect poor Daanya. I rationally know that I need to be the supreme for her and in my best of health and this include an optimal mental well-being.

The baby blues....I really am crossing my fingers and toes and hope that my state would not extend too far and cross the threshold into Post-partum depression. Insya Allah.

My story began about a few days after Daanya was born. I was going through a whole messy bag of emotions...I was very happy and contented. I had something to show for as proof of undying love for my husband and our marriage. I was terribly terrified of the days ahead in which in my deepest of hearts am not sure whether we are totally ready and up for it. Apart from that, we are now responsible for bringing up another human being and the huge responsibilities that comes with that gives me jitters. I was miserable and depressed because apart of me knew that life would never be the same and that my relationship with Hazmy would have to be taken to a new level and as self-righteous as this may sound I would miss the times when it was just the two of us together and the intimacy that we share just the two of us; the steal-away kisses, the unexpected hug at the end of an exhausting day and just even the simplest thing like watching tv together....

I was messy internally mixed with the rigidity of confinement and the limitations of my bodily kinetics, I was whiny, frustrated and furious at the whole situation. I was so used to being up and about even during pregnancy and confinement is definitely the pits. Anyway, not to digress...alot of my expectation waned as soon as we got home. The first few days were great...we were exhilarated and ecstatic with Daanya's presence. We could not stop staring and gazing at her eventhough all she did was sleep. Instantly we loved her to bits. Everything was how I imagined it. Daanya's mommy and daddy both so happy and cooperating together making us one happy family.

To my dismay, the first breakdown took place when Daanya was rejecting her milk - formula and EBM. She was vomiting and spitting out everything she consumed. Posseting they called this....I was a worried wreck. I did not know whether she had gotten enough food in her system, I was worried that it was more serious than it looks. Hazmy and my dad took her to a paed (who is a friend of Daanya's Tok Papa and Tok Sha - Hazmy's dad and stepmom) and he was terribly officious about his diagnosis that breastfeeding should be the only way to go. This way the child would not be gassy and colicky...yadda yadda yadda....obviously this got me upset...I felt like I was failing Daanya as a mother. I felt so inadequate for making her so unwell. Nobody could have understood what was going through me at that point in time. Felt like a total failure. Cried the night away....Hazmy probably thought that this was just me being too emotional as usual....exaggerating the issue like usual...but let me assure you...that it was no exaggeration. I felt like killing myself for having caused that to Daanya. I felt so hopeless and useless. Felt like my whole world was caving in and that I did not deserve such a wonderful gift like Daanya. I lost the emotional support from my husband that night. It definitely was not something made up. If only he understood a bit more and did not lash out at me with undeserving anger, and consoled me better, this whole thing would definitely not escalate into something more unwanted and negative. The next day, my parents (Daanya's atok and nenek) took her for a second opinion at a nearby paed (Klinik Altaf) and somehow the explanation given by Dr. Sharmila makes a whole lot more sense. She addressed the issue at hand....kind of how I handle things as well...she said that what Daanya was going through was normal as her digestive tract is immature and under developed. The doctor said never too worry...she is consuming enough, she was only throwing out what is excess. Other than that, she was very gassy....her tummy was really really hard. Told my mom to ask for Dentinox Colic Drops (Thanks Nina for the advice!!!Really works wonders!!!) and a few days later Daanya was a bit better. Now she only vomits when she's too full and overfed. I just started massaging her (Another sound advice by Nina...thanks again, you are a lifesaver!!!) to release wind and make her calmer...she is sucha good girl. The massage works. She falls asleep easier now and longer sleeping time...that I have to wake her for milk at times.

The story continues when yet again my emotions were shattered when lightning struck the main board circuit switch at my parents'. I saw the lightning right in front of my eyes while playing with Daanya. My siblings were out at that time leaving me alone at the house. Sometimes calamities can happen anytime regardless of what precautions you may take or even wether anybody was around to attend to it. The main circuit board caught fire as soon as the lightning struck it. I was terrified not for myself but for Daanya. At that point, the only best bet I could do was to go outside so that Daanya would not inhale smoke (by this time the whole house was filled with black smoke) and called frantically for my neighbour to help. Before that I already made a desperate phone call to dad and Hazmy. The neighbors came (Thanks Aunty Pat and Uncle Henry) and managed to take over the situation. Hazmy and Pak Shah (Hazmy's superior) came soon after that and managed to extinguish the fire. (Thank God that Dad reloaded on extinguishers after the last fire) I was traumatised!!! I'll say it again for I cannot stress it enough...I was TRAUMATISED by the whole incident... The only thing going through my mind was Daanya...My little angel was so calm and collected during the whole ordeal. She was not fussy at all. I would imagined her to be wailing her lungs out at my panic state. The fire brigade came after all was calm (I seriously question how they save lives at their speed) and consequently only sat down and waited for the TNB forensic to come. Geesh!!!! So now the house was without electricity... Unanimously all of us decided to bunk at dad's apartment (the one that Hazmy and I are currently staying in for the mean time) until the work on the electricity is completed. Having gone through such trauma, the last thing to do was deprive my family of very much needed support. The only right thing to do was to go through this with them. Some parties failed to understand this. How can I depart from them for opportunity of better comfort when my family was in distress? I do not know how minds of others would make sense of the circumstances but that is how I operate. Think before you take action. I am a realist. I put rationality and practicality before anything else. It is never a habit of mine to impose on others if by any means I can take control and handle the situation to the best of my capabilities.I am a thinker. My personality is that I don't get excited over things easily until it comes true, I do not trust easily, always in one of my mood swings and I go by "Fool me once, shame on me and fool me twice, shame on you." And this is the very reason why only those who are really dear to me and knows me inside out are able to understand me and how I operate. (With this said, I have to say that I miss me besties; Pat, Nurul (Wo) and Ida) . Back to my story....Some people who failed to see me as me. These parties took this mishap as a way to bring me down. Emotionally that is. It is only right for me to be with my family. People mistook this as me playing the hard-to-get card, deliberately choosing to be distant and cold. They claim that it is hard to win me over. But what they failed to see is that I cannot be bought and yes, IT IS hard to win me can ask those that knows me best. I don't get attached easily and this is so true if once you have hurt me. Hazmy who knows me best of all knows this by hard. He experienced it before. I was in confinement!!!! Having been through labor and a traumatic incident. You don't beat someone when they are down. That is not a fair game to fight. The timing was off. How can you drain what is left of my sanity??? I am trying so hard to pull myself together to be strong and not to be pulled into the black hole and end up hurting those I love. Especially now with Daanya present. These parties just chose to put their narcissistic needs before my health, well being and sanity as well as Daanya's best interest. Have a bone to pick with me at least vent it later when I am whole and Hazmy and I are more well adjusted. Daanya will be available in due time. (Thank you Tok Papa and Tok Sha for understanding this fact, you seemed to have instilled more sense into the situation than some who find it difficult to comprehend. I love you guys!!). Another thing is that, I feel that if you have something to say or something you are not well satisfied of, come to me. Do not go behind me and let me hear it off someone else's mouth. One's own niece can never be compared to any other. Remember that!!! But somehow if you feel comfortable with someone else's by all means go ahead. How can I stop you from your own opinions and comfort.

You see, I have so many burdens that rest upon my shoulders. So many to please that it makes me want to puke really. I just do not understand how that while I am in confinement, there are parties that can make me feel so worthless and make me feel so depressed. Especially when I have so so many to consider...especially now where Daanya is concerned. Why is it that it is so difficult to see that? I am sure they have been where I am now. Did anybody put them through what they've put me through?

What is worse is that they've managed to trap Hazmy in the middle between them and me. I love my husband to death and never ever in my hearts of hearts will I ever do that to him....I will never make him choose...never will I put him between a rock and a hard place. I respect and love him too much to do such a thing. And to see him so sad tears me up to pieces. It affected our relationship and I think our marriage will never be the same again because of this whole nightmare. I promise that from this day forth I will never again let outsiders influence my marriage and my relationship with my husband and daughter. Because of this, I have to be unyielding and firm, putting my foot down where my little family is concerned. No more letting others making decisions for me, for us....This is my family and whether or not you like it, it is Hazmy's and mine. We steer our ship our way with Hazmy being the captain and Daanya and I on deck. If we steer the ship right, InsyaAllah it would not sink. Hazmy sayang, we have to steer and prevent our ship from being shipwrecked and sink because this marriage is ours. We are responsible for it for our happiness and for the benefit of our daughter. We make the decisions, we have control, we cannot let others break us apart. Your priority is now us - your wife and daughter before anything else. Aside from that, your responsibility is enormous. You too have many to please, I understand. But please remember the ucap taklik you vowed at our nikah...that your responsibility towards your wife and zuriat take precedence before anything else.

As you can see, I am a whole messy bag of emotions. Sometimes, I stare into deep space before I sleep and think about how low my level of emotions are. Sometimes a pang of regret runs over me thinking what have I gotten myself into? Why did I choose this path? Sometimes I feel that going through life just me and Hazmy was adequate. We were happy. Maybe it will take a while to get to happy...for now I think that we are more exhausted. But I am thankful for God's miracle. Thankful and grateful for Daanya Ayeesha. I really do not know if this is the blues or depression but whatever it is that I feel inside somehow feels permanent, I feel a constant hurt inside. This has come to a point where I sometimes cry myself to sleep. How has it come to this?? I know that this is going to scar me. How can this change me? How will this affect my judgment? Will I recover from this? I surely hope so for my family's sake.

Just a plea to end, Sayang, my love for you and Daanya is undivided. You and I share far more then to have this get the best of us. I do not want to lose you this early in the marriage. I need your support most of all I need you. I need for us to go through this together if possible as independently as we can....go through this new life and its ups and downs together. The reason for this is so that we are able to learn from our mistakes, so that our life will be more meaningful, so that we are able to call this life "our own". We should learn to make our own decisions - what is best for us and our family. Moreover, I want us to bring up Daanya the way that WE want her to be raised. I cannot oblige to others making decisions for us where Daanya is concerned. This is for the very reason that SHE IS OURS!! She is top priority sayang and only the best for her. I do not mind sacrificing my needs to meet hers. Don't you think that as a requirement we should both agree and be happy with any decisions made? Always consult each other. I will never stop making you happy. Syurga I tetap bawah telapak kaki you. I will never contest my love for you and my love for both deserve it equally. Even if it means that my needs come second. Please be sure that whatever we do, our marriage and our relationship is not affected. I seek you to ensure that this becomes a happy marriage and with that result in a happy family. Never obstruct the communication. We work hand in hand...never forget that. Let's always support each other like we did before this new arena.

Daanya, mommy might have her ups and downs...but please be assured that I thank GOD for you. I learn alot about myself since you came along. You make everything clearer. You are my reason to believe. It is because of you I am holding on strong. I don't want to be weak in your eyes. I want to be your hero...Only the best for you darling.

As for my story. I pray that this be it the blues or not will not escalate into something permanent. I have to be strong for the people I love. I want to make this work no matter what. For the time being, I may dwell in my sorrows. There will be highs and lows. I may put up a brave front but internally be at a disarray, let this be my problem should those that don't understand cannot lend emotional support. Let me give surety that I plan to not let this come in the way of my happiness and the happiness of my family. Never will that alter. InsyaAllah.


BabyBooner said...

Fini, I've only read your entry halfway but mark my words i'll read it through the next time my baby's occupied. I'm sorry to hear ure having a tough time..we did too. Sometimes we still have break-down moments. Trust me it will get better, hang in there..don't expect it to get better overnight but i know ppl like u and me will persevere and Insyaallah with the grace of God, we'll get by. One day at a time.

Here's a hug for u and Daanya from me and Gib.... *HUGE HUG*

BabyBooner said...

My God I cannot tell you how scary it is that we had such similar situations as yours lah. Isn't life weird and ironic. I'll see you soon okay..Will definitely come visit you once Gib is 100% recovered frm his flu. Wouldn't want to infect you, hazmy or daanya.

Nana said...

Hey kak fini..I may not entirely understand what you're going through (since I have a long long long way to go with marriage and babies)..But, like I've said before, I can always be your 'shrink' should you need company or someone to talk to yea? :)

At the office..nothing much to do..Hehe..But hang in there yea?! There's always a blessing in disguise for all that's happening to you..