Saturday, August 18, 2007

***A chance for a better life***

Honestly, I do not know where to begin. I have been feeling down for I think a couple of weeks now. This past week I have been blessed to get some off days from work and for that few hours away from responsibilities. Spent some time with my little sis, something I have not done in a while and somehow it made me forget. Even though not alone, I felt so liberated....Please don't get me wrong...I love my little family but that moment away from it all (including work) made me feel so free...It was somehow to my advantage that lil sis was around for company or else when alone my thoughts and psyche would go astray. I did not know whether I have enough courage to emit such personal issue here but I need a place to vent maybe to plea maybe even as a prayer..however I look at it...it could all be true...but please be reminded that it is not that I am ungrateful, this might be a sign yearning for help, it could be the spark that could cause a big fire...it could be that I am experiencing depression...it could be anything and nothing...who knows...I do not know what is happening to me...or whether I am selfish...but believe me it is not something that I want to possess and I need to vent it out because I just cannot do it alone and I just cannot say it to you face to face but somehow I need to do something about this before it takes me whole, before it consumes me and turn me into something or somebody that even I cannot recognise. So, hear me from my hearts of hearts....

To tell you the truth, I have been unhappy now for a while...the last moment of tremendous happiness was when our lovely baby daughter was born...total happiness, total bliss!!!To be honest, I am the happiest when Daanya is with me...when I lay next to her every night...when I do all necessary motherly things to her like feed her, or change her or even feed her...whenever I get to touch her and whenever she is in my arms, I am the happiest person on earth...but when she is gone...I get depressed...when she is not with me I feel so alone..the loneliest person on the face of the earth...so empty inside, so hollow...even when you are around me, so lonely...so unhappy...but the problem does not lay in Daanya's absence....I admit the problem lays within me and I am so ashamed to admit that I have been feeling this for quite some time now and never had the guts to open up to you...I feel that things have changed between us...I do not know why...maybe it is the never-ending responsibilities....or the fights during confinement or even now, maybe the 11 years we've been together, maybe even the exhaustion...but things are just not the same between us anymore...the intimacy and the affection I just don't feel even (am so sorry to say this) the love, I feel it all diminishing...to a dangerous point...but please understand...this is all happening within me...like I said I have been feeling this for a while now...I feel that we are not on the same path anymore...you go your way and I mine. We hardly talk even communicate...we hardly laugh till our bellies want to burst...we don't even eat together anymore...and I always get disappointed that I don't get to accompany you while watching tv and even when I do after 15 minutes I'll be too sleepy and finally hit the sack often again without you...I don't know what to talk to you about anymore...the only conversations we strike are all about RESPONSIBILITIES and MONEY...stress!!!It used to be that that silence between us is so trusting, so comfortable...now I simply hate the silence...

I miss the things we do just the two of us...the impromptu trips to the movies, suppers and teh tariks at night, even short drives here and there also trips to the supermarket just to get groceries.Believe it or not I even miss us hanging out at Dr. Siti's clinic waiting for our turn...that bad!All those things that we used to do...I envy the fact that you still get to do your own stuffs, hang out with your friends and all while I have to think about getting more clothes for baby D cause she is outgrowing what she has now...or even how much to take out from my accounts to start her education fund...check whether she is progressing on her developments, my weekend schedule - the cleaning, the ironing, when will we be able to eat in our own house? do we even get to eat at our own house, saving for the kitchen I want, even saving for the damn TagHeuer the stupid maid stole,what to wear for Raya, so many many issues - pending issues!

I feel that we are both different people now...and I admit of pulling myself away from you. I have so much rage and resentment in me...things that I cannot figure out...things that upset me but just cannot tell...I keep imagining all the "what ifs"; what if I hadn't gotten married? what if it was not you I married? What if I went ahead and followed my dreams? what if we did not decide to have a baby? All the what-ifs you can imagine....I yearn so much for a better life...again not that I am ungrateful...but a life where everything is accessible and unlimited, no constraints...a life where you and I with the baby are filled with no worries.A life where future is assured at least D's future is...a life where our own daughter can stay put in one place that she belongs. So many yearnings...but so unattainable, wishful thinking perhaps.

I hate it that when I have something interesting to say (maybe to me it is interesting), you pay no interest and put on a blank look on your face and this automatically causes me to react the same when you have something to say. I hate it when you see my worries as petty compared to yours and hate it when you compare your exhaustion with mine...LOATHE it when you think that I am so free at work....hate it when you think I can handle chores
alone...hate it when you say things are going to be ok when I know it never will...hate it when you are not consoling and comforting...hate...hate...hate...so much HATE!!!

On the other hand, I pity you and what you have to go through to make sure we have enough of everything. I often get so sad when you have a good idea but never pursue it for the chance of a better life...to a point that I want to just get out of this place even migrate out of this country...nothing works for us here..everything is so bleak...

All this feeling causing a turmoil in me...work is so unstable...though the extra cash would do us good...but you and I both know the outcome of that.Everything lately has just accumulated itself and stored within me...and I jus don't know how to say it...I think I am falling apart and that have caused us to fall apart...at least me from you.I miss so many things of the past...the comfort, the accessibility, the affection, the intimacy....i feel all is gone at least within me....they say this can happen when all gets overwhelming especially new parents with a new baby. They also say post-partum depression can come much later. I really do not know what this is? I have tried to make it all go away...but it is beginning to take over me...Actually, I have even planned a getaway just the two of us in honor of your birthday and have made arrangements for Daanya's logistics...but stupid me have to get all sick and with the operation and getting better it all didn't happen...I was so sad for days because of that...I thought time away from it all would help us or at least me spark things back between us and maybe make some of these negativity go away....***sigh*** and have tried other ways but nothing...I still feel the same...

I am so scared that this might consume me...and that it would be too late to turn back..I fear so much to be a statistic...I fear so much that if we don't do anything, nothing could save us, our marriage and the almost 12 years relationship. Everything is just so stressful. Life for me now is so pressuring, so tight and so limited. You may think that things are well that it is ok....but believe me it is more severe than you think because as I am composing this, I have tears in my eye...I now believe I am crying out for you to help.because yang, I do not feel it anymore...the love...I've dug and dug but I cannot find it...everything has be too ordinary, too mundane...I no longer feel the excitement when you come home from work...I get angry when you don't put things as they were when you know I've slaved to keep the house in order...so many..only I don't show it...I keep it all inside...a fault on my part...I really do not know what to make of this. All I know is I tried alone but too many obstructions causing me to hate the situation and continues feeling nothing...I have not given up faith...and I know it is not too late...this may sound egocentric, I don't care...I need to be happy again..I need for my heart to skip a beat whenever I see you or when I know you are coming home...I need to feel secured importantly...I need the excitement back...I need to feel loved and to love again.

I am so sorry that this is the approach I chose to convey this to you...but it has to be let out without you being distracted. I need you to know how serious this is...I am not ready to lose you and to sacrifice what we have built over the years especially not when it comes to Daanya...It is important to me for her to forever know that her mommy loves her daddy and also the other way around. This may be a phase...people will say that...I don't care what it is...all I know is I cannot go around feeling like this anymore....it is taking a toll on me personally and causing me to hate my life and us and I really do not want to feel like that...let's make it work...even with what little feeling I have left......

Now, while you are out, at 2:30am, I am still the mommy at home who has to put Daanya back to sleep cause for some reason she's woken up.....I guess sometimes you have to the Daddy and the mommy at the same time...how can I simply sleep knowing it is just us gurls here at home? ***sob***




1 comments:

Patricia said...

Hey sweets, I know this was meant for Hazmy to read and not me but since we havent been in touch (due to my lack of efforts) I constantly read your blog just to see how you are doing.... I am sorry you are feeling like this, I wont offer you any solutions or tell you that its normal but instead I will just leave you with the thought that I am thinking of you and rooting that you will come out of this victoriously happy and contented.
take care and i really miss you but there are just too many things in my life at the moment, too many issues that I have to address and until then ....
Big hugs
Pat