Thursday, June 18, 2009

***Out of the Dark***

I have been so uninspired lately. I would visit this blog everyday in hopes that there would be something to impart with the rest of the world...but no avail. Writers' block...I do not think that it is..just purely uninspired. There is always this urge in my heart to say and post something. I have alot of cooped up emotions lately but was never in the mood to talk about them and sometimes felt they were insignificant.Today, I felt like there is a need to break the silence even if it means that this post will end up going in loops...hehehe..I am just going to ramble without a direction here so bear with me now....

Work has been a downward spiral off late. I am just fed up with self-centred people who play the caste card. Gone are the days where you can just trust and depend on others. These days one would rather wash his hands clean and rather not be held accountable even though it is clearly his fault. No one helps and assists each other anymore. These days a leader does not offer his 2 cents to a solution anymore, they just leave you be to solve the problem on your own hoping that fingers will point at you instead. It is in these situations that all true colours would be revealed. You have those double faced twits roaming around demanding your time, effort and energy, and when you do put in your best efforts and right foot forward, they end up taking all the credits. All utter bull, I tell ya! And then you have those people who have their noses so high up in the clouds that they forgot their roots and beginnings till they just "forget" to be humble and sincere....And then you have those who are so charming but in actual fact they stab you in the back and have their own agenda at the top of their list. I've about had it with all this. I have practically given up and wished that my life would take a detour into a reality where I am at home and the only pressure would be to keep to the household schedule and manning my child. Though it is a different kind of pressure all together but as long as I know the person I am to please is yours truly. I know at the end of a typical day, I would have a clean house, prepare meals for my family, my daughter right under my nose and some days attend fitness classes or religious sermons or cooking classes or facials whatever...ahhh what a life!!

Though I feel strongly that the working life is never for me, to contradict myself, I am indeed grateful for the opportunity presented before me. I know that I should be grateful for the rezeki (livelihood) but you sometimes cannot help wishing, hoping and praying for things to turn out the way you'd always hope for - the way you imagine your life should be.

On the home life perspective, things too have been driven into a diversion. What we planned...well did not go according to plans. The anticipation of new beginnings that should take place this year and one that we should pay close attention to have been progressing rather slowly almost to a standstill. Now that it has reached mid 2009, I would say that that "KPI" may not my disappointment that is. I would say that it is difficult when you know that you are on your own track to achieve certain goals within a so-n-so stage in your life and to achieve those objectives sometimes would require you to take certain other additional steps and sometimes demand for you to achieve certain pre-requisite targets, tangibles and deliverables. Of course to something you plan, you can only plan and of course a plan is not a plan if it does not come with its own sets of hindrances and obstructions. If only I can be convincing enough to let it be known that I am ready for the next stage but I have also set the condition that I cannot bring this family to the next level without us materializing this specific "KPI". I am a Capricorn and being a control freak comes with that territory. I do set targets for me to achieve and so far in my years of living, they have been somewhat 90% achieved and on track. I hope my other half understands (though I feel that he should understand me after 13 years!)How big of a deal this is to me and though he may not know it (or maybe he does, but does not want to say anything), I do have a list each year!!!

So basically, lately I have had a dark cloud hovering over me. With my Gran's passing + all of the above, I have not been lively I would say. I have been down and out. Cannot help but wish for things to look up. Sometimes even wondering why was this path chosen for me. I noticed that lately the patterns of my posts have presented me in a grumpy and dark way but how can you help the turn of events right?

The only bright side is my Daanya Ayeesha and what a little matured young lady she has turned into. She is filled with so much emotion and can turn them on and off as she pleases. She gets teary eyed when Pinocchio hurt himself when trying to save Gepetto, she gets upset when The Witch got to Princess Aurora and managed to cast the Princess to sleep, she was sad when Eve went into idle mode when Wall-e gave her that plant, she gets angry when daddy annoys and irritates her. The plus side also is that Daddy and Mummy get to rekindle our childhood with the cartoon movies she is watching now...but cannot take it when she requests for the movie for 79th time in a day....huwaaaaaaa....but luckily we have a reasonable young lady on our watch, just tell her that mummy and daddy wants to watch our movies/shows first ok, and then you watch yours (in hopes that she would forget la...) but noooo she remembers and once the credits are out she would instantly demand "Watch Daanya's movie now k k?" huhu. She sure does remember a promise...take after her mummy eh? hehhehehe...

Oh well...till the next grumpy post or shall I maintain G*eorge Michael's "D*on't Let the S*un shine Down on Me" as my mantra hoping for a change in aura and perhaps karma??