Saturday, March 18, 2006

***Wedding Daze part II - With these ring I thee wed....***

Robert Louis Stevenson wrote: 'you can not run away from weakness; you must fight it out... or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?

It has been about 3 months since my last post. Woof and phew!!! Everything had been a big blur - a composition of a series of emotional panic attacks all rolled into one, stress, laughters, sorrows, bitterness, anger, dissapointment, happiness, bliss....again let me let out my sigh of relieve *sigh*..

It is now finally over!!! The wedding, the seal of marriage vows and commitment to each other all declared. I am finally MRS. HAZMY HAZEMAN.I packaged within me a blender of feelings and emotions mixed and meshed to become an exterior of a person that I hardly knew anymore. I could not find myself especially three four days counting down to the event. I did not know what I wanted for myself, I lost path and felt I detoured from the trails on which I mapped my destiny. I was a total mess...There came a point where I swore my spirit and life just morphed out of my cadaver and all that was left was actually lifeless, weak remains. Hmmm was I commitment phobic and only now realising ??? There was no turning back this moment forth.

31st December 2005 ,1st January 2006, 7th January 2006, the days came, and left...I cannot believe it!!!I have never been so scared and happy at the same time...In fact, looking back I was happy and all was like a dream come true. I married my best friend and the love of my life, what more can I ask for???I had my dream wedding and receptions, all I ever could need...everything was complete.Hazmy could never be any more supportive than he already has. He was there and so that decision to walk the isle has been clear cut to it is what he wants and what he had aimed for. Do not take me wrongly, I do love him but what if what you planned is not what you obtain??? He had that look...a look that says "She's the ONE!!!" Damn!!! then why am I the one who was not clear on my decisions...I have always been so decisive...I came up with so many theories and hypothesis and came to the conclusion to just hack it!!!hahahha...hack all these worries, fear and insecurities...let's just play it by ear...somehow I knew I was in good hands...his hands...and I know I would not want any other...We are going to cross hurdles for sure but I'd rather it be with him...and all I need is his emotional support...for him to understand my idiosyncrasies and JUST BE THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEED HIM MOST regardless.

All in all, it was an out-of-the-body experience for me and I assured myself that I simply do not want to go through that again...let him be the first and the last...Sayang, thank you for such a wonderful wedding...people said I looked so happy...hahhaha yeah right!!!I guess you walking me through that all makes it all worthwhile for me and I am happy...I wish you sayang, congratulations on the wedding and I promise you that I may not always be the perfect wife and I promise you that there will be times where I exaggerate and blow things out of proportion...but please understand that I have only our best interest at heart...we have big responsibilities now and I promise to keep my share if you keep yours...I love you...cannot wait for this new life to begin...