***Liberty***

One more day before confinement ends.  This time around, I had vowed to go through the traditional Malay "pantang" in full force.  And that I did.  Though the results are rather satisfying and one must be equipped with the strongest of wills. 

For me recuperating is not the problem...I think the 2nd week in I was already strong enough, of course there were glitches here and there especially with the "urut urat" the first 10 days of my confinement.  The obstacle for me is getting used to Yaya's rhythm (I dcided to call her that!).  Yaya too probably went through a rough 30 days..well not probably, I confirm that she did go through a rough 30 days especially on day 30...

I think the problem was that there were too many distractions that probably caused me not to be able to get hold or get to know her better...of course 30 days is a tad bit too immature to be making any conclusions but at this 2nd last day, that I finally got the best advice and allow me to be able to take it all at a different light. A bit too late? I hope not...

With Dan Dan, I had ample time to get to know her, to know her rhythm and her patterns cause I pretty much had her to care for independently and there wasn't any distractions. I concentrated on her 100%.  The challenge with Yaya was adjustment.  I had to adjust with the fact that Dan Dan is 3 and it is the attention seeking age...I was too busy balancing everything.  Making sure Dan Dan gets the attention, making sure that Yaya's needs are met and at the same time meeting my needs too...I was distracted with making sure the routine is established and of course being a true Capricorn, that routine cannot be messed with else all else would fail.  And true enough, that was what happened...

Only towards the end of the confinement days that I realized that things would be much easier if I played it by ear...of course there were breakdowns...a lot of which in the shower where I cannot help but bawl my eyes out!!!(the only "me" time I could get!)  By this time there were too many negativities in me that I even thought of walking away...scolded myself for wanting this...at the same time blaming myself for being such a useless mother...

But at this 2nd last day, our paed gave me the best advice which I thought was 30 days late but nevertheless I'll take it in...He said, "...it is because you already have the fear in you after what had happened and now you tend to be over protective and over analyzing things...Yaya is an inquisitive baby! (showing us how Yaya is inspecting paed's consultation room.) Why put her to sleep when she doesn't want to? Let her observe her surroundings, let her take it in and she will let you know when she wants to sleep...why bother making sure that she burps after feeding just because our grans tell us to?If after 5 minutes nothing happens, I wouldn't worry about it...it will come out eventually...why worry if she doesn't poo everyday, even if it is every other day, her poop is not with diarrhea substance and there is no blood with the poop, and with a max of 3 days of not pooping, she is fine...as for her painful gas and the rash, I recommend I.s.o.m.i.l cause it is so obvious that she is lactose intolerant. Try it out, and you will find your life will be less agonizing..."

Best advice I ever got throughout this whole 44 days...From his advice I also concluded that I need to be less of a control freak and enjoy that my baby is here and that we all should enjoy her arrival.  If things don't work out, it is ok, take a breather and learn to take it all in and gain the experience from it.  Stop comparing Yaya to Dan Dan!!! The experience is not the same!!! 

This will remain as a mental note from henceforth...

Anyway, happy liberty to me!!!I survived 44 days of confinement...have not gotten to the weight i want yet but in due time, hopefully...Going out today even for my post natal check up was so liberating and I was able to release some stress - to be able to see the outside of my house was such a sight...It was breathtaking and definitely a stress reliever! Woo saaaaa....

***Realization***

My baby, Princess M turned 1 month last 16th July.  Turn of events that took place on that day will probably remain fresh in my mind till the end of time. And I mean that literally...

It was a day to rejoice that we lasted a month but instead things happened as God will them to be even though you planned it differently.  

It was a day I realized how much fear I have at the thought of losing my children.  It was also a day I realized how much love I have for my children..to a depth that I thought was impossible and I have never seen before. 

It was something I regret and I am really praying and hoping that I won't have to make up for it...if I do it will be something I have to commit to my entire life.

Maya, I truly apologize for the bad judgment call. The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. I love you with all my heart and I will probably feel this regret my entire life. Like your sis you are my angel and I would sacrifice myself for only the best for you. Never a day that go by that I don't truly regret what happened.  People say it is normal and that I have nothing to worry about...but these things don't happen to me...so I totally blame myself...I love you my baby...with all my heart and soul...

***Parenthood***

I am a big fan of the show.  Even the adverts that promotes the show where the talents answer what parenthood means to them...

Ever since Maya came, my whole idea on parenting has somewhat changed.  We get away with thinking "Oh this one will not be any different than the first one!" I know now that each child you bring into the world is unique. Different in every sense of the word.  They have their own characteristics that makes you fall in love all over again...I think this is why each child is special.

I have always devoted that I will raise my children so that they will be exposed to what life could offer so that they can learn from their own experiences.  I never want to be a hovering mother, I still vow to never be one! Discipline is still very important and you still need to discipline your child when need be.

I knew and still remember well how I was brought up...my brother and I were brought up with the strictest of discipline, old school style I would say...my mother was the disciplinarian of my parents.  Everything we did wrong would have its repercussions. And being always curious, we would get ourselves into a whole lot of mess....and we always faced our music...mom was a bit liberal on the other two...probably because much of it is left to us older ones to overlook on their well being...the advisors...but I think now that we are all grown up, the disciplining worked!Not that I am a total angel...but I know my right from wrong because that guilty conscience will always be there to bug me...and I am so grateful to mom for turning me into this person I once never thought I could be.

But I have a different outlook for my kids.  I think it was because I came from such a strict upbringing that I don't want the same for my kids.  It is still important though for them to have that fear of you...I always note this to myself.  They need to fear you so that they will know who is boss. So that they will listen.  Princess D gets away murder as far as our parenting goes. Yeah, nothing to be proud of yet...she tests and tests and tests hoping that you will falter to her bellows. A person close to us said to me, you have to be cruel to be kind, and yes I believe in that as hard and difficult it may seem.

It's always trials and errors this parenting..there will be mistakes, there will be days where you make those mistakes and feel like a total jacka$$, there are days where you'll come out of it like the most incapable moron, then there will be triumphant days and you pat yourself on the back and assure yourself of a job well done...hubby and I have a looooong way to go and there are many obstacles to hurdle...it takes a gazillion sacrifices, it takes realizing the reality that there are no more rest days, no more lazy days...let's see how this goes second time around...*crossing finger*

***...and she is Maya Arissa***

Announcing the arrival of our latest addition to the family...Maya Arissa Bt. Hazmy Hazeman.  Our latest precious was born 16 June 2010, 10:03pm at 3.48kgs equivalent to 7.7 lbs.

Weeks to her arrival had been so anticipated and longed for by all. All members of the family that would love her straight off.  Hubs and I had done all necessary.  We moved into the new house very well on schedule so that we could all be comfortable and acclimatized to the new surrounding. All boxes were unpacked and all appliances installed just in the nick of time. I managed to have 2 weeks of total rest in anticipation of her arrival. All in all everything was in place.

That very Wednesday of the 16th, hubby and I went to our weekly appointment with Dr. S in SDMCSJ as scheduled.  That very morning my mucous plug had ruptured which was very alien to me really cause I did not experience any of the sort with Princess D.  Consulted my bestie and she said it is an early sign of labor which could span a day to a week. Ok i thought no need to panic...So at the Doc's clinic, explained to her what happened with the mucous plug and after her routine examination she said that I was already 3-4cm dilated. To my surprise...the same thing happened when I was preggers with D.  Dilated but no physical pain!  And the very advice I shudder to hear came..."Since everything is already in place and you are already dilated that much, we could wait one or two days before you actually are in labor or we could minus the wait and go in today..." suddenly, all the torture and pain from delivering D came back as a refresher...."Oh no, does that mean meds again doc?" and yes was her reply.I was hoping we'd never hear that word this time around. I wanted everything to be "au natural" and really experience the truly "normal" kind of delivery...I was a bit disappointed not that I couldn't wait but because we were given the choice...and I did not want to make that choice. Here in one hand, I really do want Maya to arrive though 5 days earlier...but on the other hand, like I said I wanted it to be "normal" in every essence of the word.  I couldn't make the decision so I left it to hubs.

Of course, he being him, told the doc, let's do it, why wait?? *sigh* Oh boy, here we go again, I thought. Doc told us to go home and prepare whatever necessary reminding me to have a big lunch and to head straight to the labor ward at 3pm.  Nervous definitely I was.  All the way home and back to the hospital I kept comforting myself that this was the right decision.That it was meant to be.

In we went at 3pm.  Kind nurses and caretakers of the labor ward immediately started with all necessary procedures.  Made me nervous even more as they were all too familiar...so fresh like it was just yesterday. The enema, the poking on my all so crooked veins, the rupture of the amniotic sac, the invasive intrusions into your *you-know-where*....all too familiar!!!

The whole time lying on that labor room bed I kept wondering whether this will be a 14 hour gig again. But all hail! Thank you to the Almighty...we went in at 3pm felt no pain from the meds until 7:30pm. Even text my mom and asked why am I feeling no pain 4 hours in...8pm while hubby was performing prayers I called in the nurse for the painkiller jab.  Jabbed me they did and readied the gas...apparently at the time I was only 6 cm dilated.  I remember that distinct moment...hubby came back and a series of pain came and gone...9:45pm, I was dilating at 7cm, too early to push I thought. Got annoyed when hubby asked "Yang, do you feel like you want to push?" I irritatedly said no, not yet...but a split second later told him to get the nurse cause I want to push...nurse came in and at an instant 7cm turned to 9cm over probably 2 minutes span. I was frantic cause I wanted to push really really bad but the nurse told me not to, not until the ever committed Dr. S came. I remember not being bothered by the nurses cause helloooooo the push is automatic!!!!!4 pushes and roughly 18 minutes later, she came...our little fighter...our little speedy gonzales (hehehe)...10.03pm and she graced us with her presence...lovely!!!Alhamdulillah...The Almighty had never left my side, hubby was so supportive, I couldn't have done it without them...and of course the Doc and the labor room staffs...

She is so lovely...she is such a gift...I saw the look that hubby gave her and it was a look full of pride...and I was instantaneously overjoyed.  Maya Arissa is the name we have chosen for her...a name that means Bright Princess. Such a precious gem she is.  Now, we have two wonderful princesses...life is going to be a lot tougher with a lot more challenges, but having the presence of our two daughters with each their own antics, challenges we'll face...how can life be a bore right??