***Wedding Daze part 1***

"Joseph Conrad once wrote: 'Who knows what true happiness is, not the conventional word.. but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, that wears a mask, the most miserable outcast hugs some memory.. or some illusion.'"

"Stephen King once wrote: 'Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away.. and in the end.. there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometime we lose them there again.'"

Wow, how fast time flies!!!We were engaged only a year ago and it feels as though it was just yesterday...I had many opportunities to rekindle memories of the past and these memories permitted me to substantiate and rationalize our relationship right from the very beginning about 10 years ago to this very moment. I have to admit, I have been feeling claustrophobic lately and somehow I think I need more that a small brown paper bag to regulate my breathing. OXYGEN has definitely been essential these days....

As days trudges by, one question has been constantly wearing out the play button..."Is HE the RIGHT one?" and man am I terrified should circumstances heads otherwise. I was positive that over the years I have made my choice, that he is the one I do want to share my life with.Now, when comes to the moment of truth, I am not sure anymore. I feel that it is during these time that I need constant reassurance, for him to be there for me, for us to be there for each other, for us to tell each other how excited we are for this coming wedding, that we are finally going to build our lives together as one. But somehow I am not feeling that way. Somehow I am not reassured. Somehow I am not sure. Hmmmmm that word seems to be popping up alot!!!! We haven't really had the time for each other lately and it kills me that we hardly talk. "I love you" seems a distance away now. I know that it is too late for these uncertainties, if I am sure I should just be sure right? But there are just too many questions that heeds answers.

Will we be able to take care of each other? Will we meet each other's expectations? Will we be able to work together or will the initial years tear us apart? "Questions....questions...questions" Arrrrggghhhhh....What the hell is wrong with me?? I thought I knew...now I just don't know.

I just don't want him to hurt me...I don't want to be a victim of a failed, communicationless marriage....I don't want us to take each other for granted...I don't want things to change between us....I know that that is nearly impossible...but I am adamant, I just want us to remain just the way we are now...loyal and comfortable and of course in love.I know I am in way over my head....I am thinking too much...but you just cannot help it....normally what we see in the movies presents the opposite. The groom is the one that should freak out...and man, my groom is as calm as the sea after the storm and my standing is more like those tidal waves about to hit shore. I guess I just want to be happy regardless....and happy to me is a life full of laughter, good and unforgettable memories, to be able to come back to each other, communicate and love each other without restrictions, without boundaries and be forever faithfull and supportive till death do us part minus the heartaches and heartbreaks.*sigh*

The fact is that I cannot imagine myself being with anybody else but him. He is perfect for me and anybody else would just fall short compared to him. I really do hope that things won't change between us...another heartache and dissapointment would just directly check me into the looney bin, I swear!!!I really love what we have now. I think the claustrophobia is mainly caused by all these uncertainties that I just do not have the answers to and that kills me. But I do acknowledge that marriage is a gamble and that it is a constant work in progress. I promise that love isn't easy, I promise that there'll be time apart but I swear that it comes from my heart and I promise you're the only one for me. I believe in you and me and I believe that we can make it through anything. I just hope that you'll work with me towards our perfect life...Just promise that all my insecurities are just a fiction of my imagination and that it will never happen. Just promise that you'll stand by me and our marriage through thick and thin just like you always have. I may not always be that perfect wife but I will try to be the best I could be for you....I love you before,now, today, tomorrow, always and forever.

**Amore**

"Someday, the beach might wash away…the oceans may dry…the sun could dim but on that day, I’ll still be loving you. Always and forever. I promise you. "

Hazmy Hazeman, whose name is of Arabic, Malay origin; a name meaning "Firm, Careful and Bright"

My first true love, the love of my life, my soul mate, my forever best friend, my everything...mi amor. Our history goes way way back . 9 years and 8 months precisely. We met in 1996 by circumstance. Two total strangers introduced by faith whose paths intertwined, changing the course of both our lives forever.

He had been not my usual pick of a partner...he possessed all the wrong criteria; he was troubled, he didn't give a care in the world, lost in the world of thorns, a rebel, a lost cause, a lost soul....funnily enough as I got to know him better, he contradicts every facet of his exterior. Those early days in the beginning, he made me laugh and he was so easy to talk to. He accepted whatever you have to say without being condescending and judgmental, just neutral. He listened and laughs no matter how silly your funnies maybe. As time goes, my everyday would not be complete without hearing and dashing after the ring of the phone with his voice at the other end at 2pm after school everyday . I had fought every instinct telling me to pursue wherever this path might lead me to. I was afraid. He was trouble. At that time alot was involved, it was complicated, too complicated. I didn't want it to become personal, didn't want it to get emotional. Boy, was I dead wrong!!! As any girl would have done, I went against my gut feelings. This boy was the total opposite of me...he was independent, he was a survivor and for all the wrong reasons. He didn't have a path at the time, no goals and I had mine all set ready to be chased. What did I just get myself into??? I knew that this was crazy, it wasn't going to work, we were from different worlds. But my heart beats twice as fast just at the thought of his name, his smile, his warmth...just at the thought of HIM, I feel all tingly and woozy!!!

I thought then that there was no way that I can go after my dreams and objectives with distractions. I didn't want to get dissapointed, I didn't want to get hurt again and again and again. I didn't want to go through the pain and tribulation of a heartache.Not again, not ever. He claims that he is different and that he would never hurt me like the others did. Now where have I heard that before? He was a guy, a member of the opposite sex...of course he is gonna hurt you...somehow he is going to find a way to. I stood my ground. I built this fort around me so that he could never get close at least not close enough to hurt me. We were a couple who were total strangers the first nine months...we didn't hold hands, we didn't let it get personal, he went his way and I went mine. We were casual. And that was alright by me.

We got to know each other better as the years pass us by. We talk about anything and everything. I began to accept him just the way he is. I accepted his flaws and I loved his good traits. He had accepted me for me. I have fallen in love. I have never felt anything like that before. Words literally wasn't enough to describe the feeling. I wanted to spend my everyday with him, I wanted my world to include him and I wanted his to include mine. I fell for him, big time!! And that was more than alright!!! It had been and still is a beautiful feeling.

9 years down the road, I am still in love. We are still in love. Though the course of our lives change, the lost soul is no more lost, he found his track and pursuing his dreams, and the girl who claims that she was the opposite of him, have achieved partially what she had planned for herself. The best part was both was never and had never been a distraction to each other. Both completed each other. Both achieved the unexpected!

Sure, there were trials down our path. We picked ourselves up everytime we fall. And that is exactly what I love about him. He never gave up on me. He never gave up on us. He thought me the meaning of independence. He thought me the meaning of happiness. He showed me that not everything is perfect and that is OK. He thought me to believe and have faith. He takes very good care of me and I have always wanted that, a person who cares and gives a damn. He is every man for me and I love everything about him. He completes me in every way possible. And I am so content that he had mold himself to be just what I expect him to be. I am so proud of the man that he has become.

Sayang, I have to admit this post was difficult to compose and there is still so much that I want to say but cannot let out because there are just no words to describe what I am feeling and what I have been feeling over the years. We've never kept anything from each other and I hope that this post would make clear of those that happened in the past years. Though I am sure you already know. Yang, as we are about to embark on this new journey, I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and soul. I am scared to start this new life with you as you know I have never gotten over my phobias on heartbreak and dissapointment. But I believe that you are going to walk me through everything, every experience, every happiness and even through the dissapointment. I may not always be the good wife, but I assure you that I will never back out from being your support system. I will never ever stop loving you no matter how annoying and possessive you can be sometimes :P. There will be ups and downs, I guarantee of it. And I am happy and looking forward to go through all that with you. I am looking forward to become your wife and am looking forward to living together as husband and wife.

I thank GOD everyday for giving me you. You will always be my miracle. You are my definition of love. I love you.

He showed me that you can find the good in everybody, if you just give them a chance. The benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, people disappoint you. Sometimes they surprise you. But you never really get to know them…until you listen for what’s in their hearts and that’s what he did with me. So for you skeptics out there, prepare to be surprised.

**Epiphany**

I did a lot of thinking recently. Not that I never did before. You get the picture!!! I underwent a lot changes recently. It is now heading towards the end of October, and so far it has been quite a ride through the year. The way I see it, I ventured myself through quite a radical evolution just this year alone. I started the year, thinking "OK, now what??" but who would've known that from that nothing would lead me to where I am at right now in October.

Ok, first there's my current employment position. A lot of people admit that they never get to become what they've always wanted to be, I guess I am lucky. 4 years ago, I told myself that I want to do this and I will strive indefinitely to be just that. 4 years later, I am here. Though I would love to hang around long enough to enjoy the perks of it all, my superior granted me one year off work to further my studies and that is a whole different headache all together.

My post-grad classes are very intimidating and overwhelming. I started off a very terrified student. Everything was moving too fast too intensely. Everything was so confusing. I felt and still feel as though I know nothing (an overstatement, really!! I know nothing!!!) At first I don't think that I am up for the challenge. I experienced a few breakdowns. Picked myself up and decided to take things one step and one day at a time. You see, I don't think I have it in me to brace myself with such crest of confidence and I still don't. I do not want to fall short of the expectations that have been set for me. The level of expectation that I evidently have set for myself mysteriously!!! But nevertheless, I am still trudging this path. Never say DIE right?? The term is about to end. Even though I can never be more perplexed than when I started, this is something that I am doing for myself. We'll see what happens consequently at the end of this term.

I miss hanging with my support system; Patricia, Ida and Nurul. Patricia, I miss you tremendously and miss the days where we used to just hang and lay back. I do wish we could exchange notes on the wedding planning. At the same time, I am happy that you met your man and finally settling down. Things may not always be a bed of roses but remember that at the end of the day, we need to think back on the things that made us choose our men and the good that they've brought upon us. Ida!!! sweetie, I miss our silly and crazy days!!!Hanging with you allows me to forget the grown up stuff we are held responsible for. I love being a child when we are together and just bitch away "kutuk" ing others...hehhehehe...I love that I get to be open with you and that you will never judge me!!! Miss you damn banyakkkkk....Nurul, baby!!! I miss my lil sis!!! I miss the days where we just vent, confide and talk about everything under the sun.Where are you???? but I know I will see you soon enough!!! Just don't go totally A.W.O.L on me (nanti bukan the runaway bride, runaway maid of honor lakkk) ;)

Ajon, Eja, I miss you guys too!!! bila nak gila-gila ni??? Though it was just last month we hanged till we dropped and posing maut for the camera (Eja, aku nak semua gambar-gambar tuh!!!). Ajon, I love the fact that you are attentive to my bitchin and that you don't judge me! I love the fact that we can always turn on each other for support! Eja, kau jauh sangat!!!! hehhehehe...

I lament the fact that I don't chill and hang out more this year. I really don't know whether there is time for that now that it is so close to 'THE DAY'. But I do comprehend that I need to have that equilibrium fixed. But at certain check points, with so many things going on, I have to admit a nice quiet time to myself is heavenly. Hence, the birth of solitude!!!*ehem ehem*.

The house is still in its revamping process and it is really killing me to think that it is not done yet. Will it ever??? I need my space back!!! I need to roam freely and the parental unit is getting a bit too tight since the whole thing started plus I am getting too acquainted with my already very familiar room and things are starting to perpetuate into a routine. It is bad enough that I think my bed has been mystically put under a spell that every time I start reading, or lay on it, it draws me to sleep even when I am not sleepy ;P. I do wish that the construction and refurbishing would just end now *blink*.......or maybe NOW!! *blink* nnoooowwww *blink* well, worth the shot!!! *sigh*

And then there's the wedding! but that deserves a whole new pain killer and a whole new posting of its own...coming soon to a blog near you ;)

The other thing that I am proud of so far this year is getting to know ALLAH. That feeling is just wonderful. One moment I know I am not ready to face Him but on the other I owe him a lot. A lot I need to be thankful for. A lot that He has given me and yet I have never returned. And not forgetting to mention, alot of sins to seek forgiveness for. I am grateful that He has not totally closed all doors for me and there will be times that I play truant, but I hope He understands that I am inhaling whatever I can get and gripping whatever I am able to as things rapidly plummet in my life without control.

But 10 months down 2005, I have to say that I am very proud of the person that I have become because of these changes. Though I have to pave my way slowly yet surely with all the painful and stressful cumbersome load I am carrying ahead with me, it is excellent to know that I have set out to attain my resolutions for the year. At least most of it. And that is disparate for me. Usually my new year resolution is just to get through the year as least painful as possible. Though the painful part remains quite intact, I am content so far with 2005. This year so far has allowed me to set myself and prepare myself in realizing my future. 2 more months and a whole new chapter begins for me as an individual, a child, a sister and adding to the list a new bride and wife. If someone were to ask, am I really ready for all that is ahead of me? I would unquestionably retort "HELL NO!!!" but I know I will never let my defenses down, and as this is not a cliche, slowly I will pave my way one step and one day at a time.

**A tribute to Ozzy**

After 6 long years, he left us last Monday,10th October 2005. He was given to me as a birthday present and he was a little angel then just as he had been his whole life. Ozzy was the most obedient, the most lovable cat any person would ever seek for. He was such an angel, what I can say...Never once did he want to be of any trouble to any of us. He even died without wanting us getting worried about him, without a peep of pain, just silence. Ozzy, if you asked me, whether you have served your purpose in life, I would say "More than that". You have brought me joy just knowing you are happy and fully bloated with the amount of food we give you :P. I will never forget you neither will it be too soon for me to find your replacement. I want to treasure you in my heart and save that space forever for you. Mummy and daddy loves you...we tried to give you everything to our best of abilities and we hope that that will forever be enough. I am proud of the life you grew up to become. Forever you, Ozzy!!

Remember me this way

With all this hype going around with blogging, usually it is not my style to follow trends, but this time around I thought so many interesting happenings took event in my life, some happy, some sad, some bitter and some just plain and this would probably be the best way for me to relish those moments. Another reason I felt deserve merit was that maybe I could get my 2 cents worth out there...and be heard.

Solitude to me represents the moments that I choose to detach myself from my environment, slow things down, take a breather, put things in perspective and rationalize. Solitude would become my source of expression that encompasses all sorts of trudges through my everydays.