Thursday, February 26, 2009

***Of Crushed Dreams and Wishful Thinkings***

Have you ever wondered about your life's decisions that led you to where you are right now in the present time and the person that you've become because of those choices? Do you wake up the morning after thinking and possibly fooling yourselves of how content you are with life when you are a ball of knots in the inside and there is this inner voice constantly reminding you that things could be so much clearer and so much better.And you cannot help but wonder "If only...."

As I sit here in my office looking out my window at the gloomy weather wondering why is it that the rain always make you feel nostalgic?I think back of how I grew up right to those school years and uni days, the acquaintances that I've made, the encounters with crushes and the countless first loves ;P, achievements and failures...all of those experiences turning you into the person you are today. Was it meant to be this? I cannot help but think of the path I took growing and wondered what were to happen if I did this or that? Would my life take a detour towards better or worse? Regrets you say? Not regrets but a yearning. A yearning for betterment. A yearning for the potential not just settle for "just because". I have always been a over achiever, a dweller into the deepest of rationales and thoughts. Though I feel like a Type A personality the tests always comes back with an A+B, a little of both worlds. Still I cannot help wanting to make things a little live with a certain level of potential. Of course for every road you trudge there are bound to be some hindrances, the lack of needed support here and there and the unwanted voices telling you to be wise and asking you to take your time. If only they knew of how messed up things are and how messed up I am inside for wanting better. So it is at times like these you sort out within yourself internally and vow to stand on your own and try no matter what to make things happen for the betterment of yourself, your marriage and your own family. Not for vendetta never for vendetta. My intended goal is just to make things clearer and better for the sake of my family. I want so much to be happy and in this case happy means to carry on with that very intention - that yearning! So I may sometimes cut myself out from your perception of a bond for I do not want to pretend to be happy when I am not. I may not be what you expect for I am not him and he may be your pride and joy. You and him, you form the perfect bond that is unbreakable even during your times of dispute. I can't be that, I certainly can't be him and I certainly don't want to for as much as I love him, I hate his obnoxious side. And that remark from his mouth I will certainly not forget. I know you want to be want to have it all like me though you live the life that I have always wanted for myself, you will never come close though I wish for happiness and success for you always. But sometimes, it feels like I've been betrayed by over and over by flesh and blood.

So, yes! I do wish for different. But I would not change that part of my past for it has made me a shield and protected me. Over the years, I have learned to accept and just like now, I will again continue to accept. I did not have the rightful support then and I grew up yearning for better. I am here now still yearning but this time I know something will materialize because
of it and the satisfaction is knowing that I will get there regardless of your remarks and your half-hearted support cause now I have my own life line.