***Tagged by Sweet Dory Furby***

1.Name one person who made you laugh last night.
Definitely Daanya Ayeesha with her unique and funny antics.

2.What were you doing at 0800?
Saying bye bye and blowing kisses as my MIL drive away with my Baby D.

3.What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Reading Dory Furby's blog...yeah that is how I spend the mornings in the office...reading blogs, emailing...yadda yadda...

4. What happened to you in 2006?
got preggers...hehehhehe...oh such sweet memories!!!

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
That CRV is lawa!!! hahahhaha....hint hint!!

6. How many beverages did you have today?
R.O water beverage ar??? Can lar...

7. What color is your hairbrush?
Mmmm and the relevance of this question is???

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
Dinner at Uncle Lim's...

9.Where were you last night?
Home sweet home

10. What color is your front door?
Dark wood color

11. Where do you keep your change?
In my Mimco purse....huwaaa need to expand my mimco collection...anybody heading to melbourne???

12. What's the weather like today?
Can't see cause my office room with a view is blocked by a damn banner...

13. What's the best ice-cream flavor?
Jamoca Almond Fudge from Baskins.....slurrrrpppp...

14. What excites you?
My darling Daanya Ayeesha and shopping for her...come to think of it..that is the only shopping I do these days...

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
Hmmm I've resolute to let it grow this time....

16. Are you over the age of 25?
Am I?????

17. Do you talk a lot?
Only to those I am comfortable with...

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
Nope and never.....I am a big OTH fan, grey's and ugly betty...

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
Yes! My neighbor...

20. Do you make up your own words?
Yes...hahahhahaha...like Bengs for bengong...hahhahaha

21. Are you a jealous person?
mmm not really...

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'A'.
Aishah...my darling friend from Jakarta...

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'K'.
hmmm an old flame...to whom I wish all the best and am so proud to learn that he is
doing well.

24. Who's the first person on your received call list?
My darling sister monchuk....

25. What does the last text message you received say?
Secret...cannot say here....

26. Do you chew on your straw?
Ewww.....

27. Do you have curly hair?
No..only wavy when I do not want it to be...

28. Where's the next place you're going to?
Bandung!!! yahoooo....

29. Who's the rudest person in your life?
Can't really say either....

30. What was the last thing you ate?
Guava with kuah rojak that Hazmy bought on the way back from Ipoh..yummy...

31. Will you get married in the future?
I hope to keep this one going forever...but if fated otherwise...who knows???

32. What's the best movie you've seen in the past 2 weeks?
Enchanted and Mr. Magorium's wonder emporium..

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
mmmm other than brad pitt??? let see....

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
This morning...

35. Are you currently depressed?
Mildly...trying to work out some personal issues...

36. Did you cry today?
Yes...for reasons I cannot say...

37. Why did you answer and post this?
Have not done one of these for so long...and cause sweet dory does not tag too often hehehhe.

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey.

• My sweet Patricia...just to get your mind off things...
• My darling sister Monchuk
• My darling sis in law, eikhahahaha...hehhehe
• My never let you down friend BabyBooned
• alarrrr tak cukup 5...who arrrr???whoever reads this lar...
  

***How Daanya spent the last day of Hari Raya***

It was such a cold day that we were quite concern about taking her out afraid that she might get another round of bronchiolitis attack. But we have made promises to Hazmy's colleage, Uncle Asrul and also me to Aunty Lulul that we would show up for their events respectively...the rain was pouring so heavily even at 4:30pm. We were supposed to attend Nurul's (Aunty Lulul) raya gathering first and had to change plans and head for Uncle Asrul's daughters' birthday party at A&W first since the party was on a schedule...So, having promised Nurul that we would come early I had to make sure that it was ok with her to come a bit after the gathering time...and once it was ok...to A&W we went!

I was so happy for Daanya as this was her first time attending a birthday party and it taking place at A&W gets me excited in seeing how she would react to the A&W's mascot. hehehhe.A part of me was also a bit tense worrying whether or not she wold throw a hissy fit...but it all went good...she was afraid of the A&W bear at first and cried but after she just could not take her eyes off the bear and made a calling gesture (At least to me, that is how I interpreted it lar) to the bear by making that "uh uh" sound...we sat her down on the baby chair provided and she was such a good girl just sat there and did not even squirm...everybody thought she was cute...though I did get a bit offended when some called her a boy???? Hazmy and I concluded it is probably because she has very fine hair...oh well...Abang Adam, Uncle Pak Shah and Aunty Lin was also there...but Adam was being his usual self (I am a boy and I don't like girls)-he is 1 by the way and Daanya is always the friendlier of the two..she would try to touch him and make
friendly gestures and Adam would just ignore her...hahahha so cute!!!(Note to Pak Shah and Lin: I am carefully ruling out this whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing with them on the grounds of no chemistry!!!hahahaha)
We had a good time there at A&W...Thank you Asrul and wife for inviting us together with Daanya...actually it got me a bit motivated to start planning for Daanya's first party...hmmm


Anyways, Daanya was so tired after the party that the minute we entered the car to head for Nurul's she immediately fell asleep..












Next we headed to Anuty Lulul's house and was quite embarrassed as it was almost Maghrib but she and her family insisted on us coming in as Daanya was asleep. They went out of her way to make Daanya comfortable even to Sumayya's(or Yaya as we would call her) hesitation (sumayya is Aunty Lulul's niece, her elder sister, Nina's only child, at least for now,she is 4 and so so pretty and such a chatterbox...mmmm love kiddies like that). Yaya was rejecting Daanya, she won't let Daanya touch her toys and stuff and made the adults around her including her nana (Aunty Lulul's mummy) a bit annoyed but to me it was no biggie...Yaya is just used to being the only baby in the house, I don't blame her :) but a bit after she got used to Daanya's presence and at a point was sore with Aunty Lulul and had wanted to carry Daanya into her room with her. "I am mad at you" she said to Aunty Lulul. She took all her toys and then lastly wanted to carry Daanya into her room with her..."Where are you going", Nurul asked..."I want to bring adik with me" adik being Daanya la....alarrr so comellllll!!!! It was all such good fun...




Here's Daanya On Sumayya's lap and Aunty Lulul





Daanya with Aunty Lulul's Mom



Wo(another name Nurul is known by), Thank you so much for having us. You and your family was such good hosts and was so hospitable...we had such a good time...Do do thank your mom for me and Daanya's regards to Yaya...just want to see how she would react to that...hehehhe.




Daanya and her aunty Lulul






That was how Daanya spent the last day of raya...very productive and fun...she went flat out that night, probably exhausted...Nevertheless I was so happy that she got to experience all that..she won't remember it no doubt but for us, her parents to be there and share that with her...totally priceless...can't wait t experience more parties and gatherings with her...

***Daanya @ 7 months***

Gosh, I have been so out of touch...bogged down with work and did not have time at all to update the blog...especially with Daanya's progress...Only today I realized that Daanya is about to turn 8 months soon and I have not even written about her 7 months milestone.Huhu...Anyway better late then never kan?

She turned 7 months last 23rd October. It was the festive season with raya and how Hazmy and I was anticipating raya only because we cannot wait to show her off...hehhe.To our dismay, the weather at that peak point right before raya was not favoring us...Daanya was down with high fever, cough and flu that 2 weeks before raya and going into 1 week before the celebration she was at her weakest. It was so bad that she found it difficult breathing, her appetite dropped to only if we are lucky 2 full 8oz milk others she would simply throw out, solids had to be put on hold...basically cranky the whole 2 weeks...she had transformed from a very active and lively baby to one that was so frail and weak and clingy....my heart hurt and only wished that she would pass whatever she was having to me...I even prayed for it...her fever was on and off, we were so scared out of our lives that it might be dengue...(panicked there a while at the thought especially after a colleagues good friend's baby daughter passed away from dengue at 6 months). We took her in and out of the pediatrician clinics...after one does not work, we tried another and nothing seemed to work. They were all treating her for asthma and by this time she was so heavily medicated that I cannot help but cry all the time...waking her up every 4 hours for her nabulizer (however do you spell it la!!!)was so heartbreaking...until that Thursday, 2 days before Hari Raya that I told Hazmy, we have to stop all these medication...it is not helping her at all! she is not progressing nor improving...so that Thursday, she was free from any medication until Friday (1 day before raya) I told Hazmy that I want to take her to SJMC even if it means that they will ward her...even if it means no Hari Raya...I cannot see her in that state...so weak...not eating nothing!!The doc we met with, said that she does not have asthma, yes there is wheezing and all but what she had was bronchiolitis...a condition where her bronchioles were clogged with phlegm therefore causing difficulty in breathing and hence, the runny nose, phlegmy cough as well as vomiting due to the change in weather, polluted air, even through pollens in the air. He told us to stop all medication and start treating her for bronchiolitis which include giving her a course of what we call the "aero chamber" for kids...(the ventulin inhaler inserted into this container attached to a mouthpiece), treatment medication for the blocked nose and phlegm for only 3 days (I have no absolute idea why)and singulair to be taken with her solids. OK..all in all 600 over bucks...but let me tell you 2 days and she was recovering very very fast...immediate change once we started on all these new medication...and get this no warding required because doc wanted us to try the outlet with the medication and "aero chamber"first. I was a happy mummy because this means that she can have her first hari raya....yeay!!! She lost about 400gms which made her weight dropped from an 8.8 to 8.4gms in just 2 days...and after 2 weeks of raya and celebrating and my baby recovering she gained back her 8.8gms towards the end of October.Alhamdulillah...

Raya was fun...my Daanya get to spend her first raya with all her sets of grandparents, Opah and Tok Jo, nenek and atok on her first day and Tok Papa and Tok Sha on her second day...all wearing the baju kurung we got her and also the red polka dot kurung she got as a gift from Aunty Lulul...(Thanks Wo...I love you so so much for your support of Daanya and her progress!!!)We also invaded a few houses of family members and friends' and her duit raya, woof...babies can generate quite a sum of cash in an hour by just being babies...she was generating at least 100 bucks in 2/3 hours...and at the end making more than mommy in just 2 days of beraya....hehehhehe but it was all good...now it means that we can finally open up her "ASW" though we want to open up "ASB" but she has to be 12 years old for that...I guess that will do for now....

As for her progressing development at 7 months...she is now able to stand but still aided la with anything she can hold...she can do the "salam" bit...hehehhe truthfully am proud with that one...she would salam your hand and when you say "amin" she would then bring your hand to her nose and kiss it...more like wiping her nose on your hand lar...but anything goes..hehhehe naturally she has her moods lar...when she feel like doing it she will salam just about anybody...if not she would just ignore your demands hehehhe...she now knows when I forbid her to do something...I would go "ep" then she would instantly be sad and quickly crawl back to mommy and give me a hug (konon nak pujuk la)hehhehe so cute...Now we finally know which cartoon she is more keen on watching and would laugh away as though she knows what the characters are saying...she loves Barney (I think all of them do!!!How is it that a purple dinosaur can have this effect on kids???beats me!), Noddy, Pocoyo, Tigger and Pooh, Little Einsteins,Higglytown heroes, Bananas in pajamas, bear in the big blue house and those in between shows that they show for intermission like Danny and Daddy, Swo-Swoosh, 5 minutes more...

She is very careful with the toys she plays now and already have favorites.She puts less of them in her mouth and that is just wonderful to mommy. She loves piggy back rides and would laugh away when Uncle Jo and aunt Manja does so. She just love her walker and would play hide 'n' seek with us with it...(we hide and she finds us) and also "you cannot catch me" with daddy...

I make her rice porridge now and can see she has more interest in chicken than fish and loves her greens...would give her apple juice or apple and prune juice as a reward in a sippy cup and boy she loves juice in her sippy cup...would welcome new recipes!!!Please!!!

I also noticed that she is quite attached to me when I am around...she would crawl to me when she sees me and get so excited when I carry her...here I can see that we are going to be bffs...hehehhe...she loves bullying daddy during diaper changes where she would hilariously to the bicycle when daddy wants to strap her diaper in...hehhehe hilarious...she does this all the time and only to daddy...

She is now taking EnfaPro A+ the next step in the enfa product...did a lot of research before deciding on this...she was doing ok with enfalac though she can very well consume it till 12 months, after researching I have decided since at this stage she would enfapro would be beneficial especially it being calcium based suitable for her stage unlike enfalac which is iron based...tried that and she is ok...the transition was good...she is still taking enfalac at opah's and tok papa's though...at nenek's they have fully enforced the enfapro A+..

All in all, I am so happy with her..days would pass us by and everyday I am thankful for her...she is such a joy to have and the bigger she gets the more I find that I cannot be without her...makes me wonder how am I to leave her for our Bandung trip this December...huhu...

***Daanya @ 6 months***

How fast time flies...It has been now 6 months since my little Daanya was born. We embrace and welcome her new development everyday....though taking care of her now requires mommy to swallow a dozen of red bull and 100+ just to gain energy, just being with her makes me proud, happy and contented. Funnily enough, when it comes to Daanya, I never complaint or even grouch about taking care of her or the works....just doing things for her is such a pleasure. Maybe I see it as my responsibility and I should not complaint but instead do my all to make her happy even if it means dark circles under my eyes....:P

Ok, what development this 6 months? Let see mmmmm... She now weighs at 8.8kg with 68cm in length....she still drinks 8 oz of milk 4 times a day and now have started a bit of SOLIDS!!!hehehhehe mommy just couldn't help it. Walking at the supermarket everyday during lunch hour passing the baby foods section is so tempting.For months they were calling out to me "Buy me...buy me"..Now that the time is here finally mommy get to splurge!!! So there I was carrying a whole plastic bag of gerbers and heinzs ooh don't forget the rice cereals...man, you just get confused there in that aisle...I actually stood there for I think 30 minutes just to figure out which rice cereal comes with milk and which does not....hahhahahahah in the end belasah one of each...hehhehehe...but Daanya is taking it in quite well...she loves the Gerber banana and Gerber prune and apple juice.....yummy yummy....

She is now crawling...crawl crawl everywhere....sometimes I feel like she's the Queen Bee and I am her "dayang" (what do you call this in English??)We would follow her everywhere just so that she can satisfy her curiosity...which also automatically means that we have to double up on the area of cleaning and sanitizing the house....

Just two weeks into her crawling, I was flabbergasted by a new development....One morning, she woke up early and had put her in the baby cot while I got ready for work...put on all the creams and what not on my face, put on my watch and combed my hair and when I turned to get her...She had her head up in a kneeling position and looked at me smiling as though she had achieved a long awaited success. I was so proud of her....yet so worried cause now it only means that we have to guard her even more....and daddy will have to lower her bed level so that she won't topple over...just after a while she tried the position again and then "Wham!!!" she STOOD UP!!!! she actually successfully from a kneeling position picked her own weight and stood up....Oh my!!!It was soooo twilight zone...ok...i said to myself..now didn't she just learned to crawl????huwaaaaaa mommy was just starting to adapt to the crawling and now the standing....**sigh**

Now she would crawl to a place when she can actually latch on and pick her self to stand...the coffee table, a stool, mommy and daddy....hahhahahah anything....

Other than that her vocab has also expanded from "mamamamama" to "dadada" hehhe so cute...she can also now amuse her ownself without having mummy and daddy to crack funny faces just to make her laugh...

She loves bringing her big toe into her mouth and suck away...."Nak adik" they say....I say "Are you Nuts!!!"

Will upload photos when I remember to charge camera's battery.....absent minded as always!!

***Al-Fatihah***

How could such a repulsive thing happen to you? Why did it happen to you? How can we let it happen to you? Such pain such torture. You were so innocent and so pure. I cannot imagine what you went through...having to go through such an atrocious episode, being played like a rag doll by some BEAST!How could any being get enjoyment and willingly get satisfaction from the pain you endured? How could anyone just let you die without feeling guilty and remorse? What sort of a being are you? She was only a little girl, a little darling...so much waiting for her in the future, a human being just like any of us. So many potential just waiting to be discovered? Why do you have to play GOD and write her fate for her?

I cannot help but cry when Hazmy gave me an IM with the link to "The Star" online with the latest update that day saying that the DNA results proved 99.99% that the body was that of Nurin Jazlin. Tears streamed down my face instantaneously. As if on cue.I wanted so bad for it not to be her....especially after what her parents had to go through the first time when they claimed that it was not her body.But as her body was laid to rest, we just have to accept qada n qadar. That first 15 minutes, when TV3's buletin utama showcased the whole "pengkebumian" and recited the Fatihah, we, the whole family was sombre...we remained silent the whole time...

And her parents??? What is it that they felt must be difficult and shattering. What are you supposed to feel when you lose a child and on top of that to have seen her "like that" and to be done "like that"????like a piece of meat...I do not want to comment on her parents actions that led to such an awry end. But I do want to say this, how many times have our parents let us out even to the nearest of destinations like the playground just in front of the house, or a friends' house just blocks away??Of course they never thought that anything bad would happen but that is besides the point...the fact is they sometimes allowed us because they love us....they see us being cooped up at home and sometimes need a breath of fresh air, sometimes need to mingle and make friends and not be left out but most of all...sometimes need to be independent. Probably we were just lucky that nothing bad happened to us?? But who are we to say? Who knows what is written for us? Were Nurins's parents just unlucky?To charge them with negligence??? Are you nuts????Why??? Is it because you have absolutely no leads to the BEAST? Is it because you HAVE to make an arrest that just any arrest will do? If what they did was negligence, were our parents negligent too? Where is the boundary to being negligent?How about those child that were left alone in their apartment and one of them plunged out of the balcony? They were purposely left alone...at that age????Come on lar people!! Don't blind us....there is still a MANIAC predator at large.....sometimes I cannot help but totally surrender with the way we handle things? Why is it that our system is so reactive when we hunger so much to be proactive? Why isn't our streets safe anymore? Why is murder, robbery, rape and what other social predicament taking place so explicitly here in our country? What will the future hold for our children and their children's children?

Honestly I get scared now just by being home alone. Let alone for my Daanya. Just a simple mistake by saying "yes" does not guarantee anything anymore. Do I have to make her stay at home all the time under my protective wings? I am so afraid to let her know what a bad bad world it is out there...

Nurin, it was such a wretched way to leave the world, I know...You don't know any better.Your existence and departure has made such an impact to the nation. My heart feels for you and your family especially your parents. I cannot imagine being in their shoes...Nurin, semoga Allah cucuri rahmat ke atas roh mu....Amin. And to Nurin's parents, I hope you carry with you alot of patience...it is tough I know, but who am I to say? because I simply don't know. Take it all in stride and believe the hikmah underlying all these. You have my support.

***Emotional Check***

"Henry David Thoreau once wrote: 'Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit and resign yourself to the influences of each.''

I was lost...I went to a deep and dark place and almost drowned in my own sorrows. I stayed in that state for a while always hoping for a breath of hope, faith and change. Felt the need to voice it in the open but was too afraid to hurt hearts of those affected. It was a very dark place...I have been blinded by its darkness and suffocating from its limited source of air...I was so worried that I could not find myself the way out. I went through my days heavily feeling like the world was against me. My self-esteem dropped probably to level -100 (if there existed levels for it lah). Everything was not working in my favor.

Alhamdulillah with GOD's will...I was able to let things out. May not be much but at least it was out in the open and involved parties now knows that this is what is boiling inside of me causing me to withdraw from my surroundings. Things looked up hopefully for the better. I see him trying now. Most of all I now feel once again the chemistry and connection that I thought was lost. Or at least almost gone. I figured that maybe if I bend a little then maybe I don't have to take things to heart. At the same time he makes his presence now more felt. His commitment, his understanding, is slowly returning. He listens better and he is more attentive now - we communicate more and better. Yes, we do have our constraints and obstacles but at the end of the day, we have to always remember what matters most - our little family with little baby D starving for so much attention, love and how crucial it is to not deprive her away from that now. At the end of the day, whatever problems, we still definitely have to hurdle them bit by bit but it boils down to Daanya and the little tykes soon to come, our relationship and our household.

Other than that, most of everything is a little bit brighter now. I am smiling and laughing a lot more. More contented with life and marriage. Things are looking up at work....if all goes well I should expect a salary adjustment + last year's due increment (I did not get last years' increment as I was away on study leave so somehow that does not apply). Hopefully all goes well, insyaallah.

Daanya is growing so fast...I just hope I won't be left behind. I got to spend one day last off from work and took care of her all to myself....that was such a bliss! I love taking care of her....I wished I could just do so without worrying about going to work and making money. Hopefully Hazmy and I could come up with some arrangement...Alhamdulillah, murah rezeki Hazmy so far....we just jave to weigh things out...and hopefully something would present itself cause I do want to be there for Daanya...send her to school, play with her, feed her the works.....

So, to end...I am doing good so far better than the last time.

***Daanya @ 5 months***

She has grown so much ever since my last post about her. I see her everyday and I just cannot help but to adore her - my heart palpitates just looking at her sleep and then I would smother her with kisses even when she is sound asleep. I AM SO ADDICTED TO HER!!! I love her so much that I want to cry. She is such a joy, such a gift.

This post was of course post dated. She turned 5 months last 23rd of August. She has become so active these days...commando crawling all over the place. She does this usually out of frustration from the crawling position (on all fours) and couldn't get anywhere, or could not reach that toy...She would be in that all-fours position and would at the same time rock back and forth hoping to move but would yell when she found out that she was still there in that coordinate. In the end she would just drag herself literally or commando crawl to her chosen destination.

Not only that she has also learn the what mummy and daddy calls her "Cleopatra pose" or in BM "mengiring". Her grandparental unit said that that is the position when babies want to learn to sit. OMG....Daanya is multitasking...she wants to learn so many things at once! I just love that bit about her...the only thing that I noticed is that when in those positions she just learned, and her not knowing what to do next, she gets frustrated and cry - actually puts on a blank face and cries. So kesian....I think that is part of her daddy's character she inherited - easily frustrated!But one other thing I noticed is that once we console her - she would then try again...(you can start to see the pattern here)....something she got from mummy...:p

She has also discovered that she can touch her toes and pull her legs up...she does this so often that sometimes it give mummy the opportunity to take embarrassing baby photos to show when she's bigger.hehehe. Not because mummy's a meany but only because mummy is so proud of you! *angelic pose*

Putting things in her mouth has been her forte these days...whatever she can grab...especially her toys and her favorite....her own fingers...maybe she is teething I thought but I have yet to see any coming out of her gums....oh and one other thing is blowing bubbles...For the life of me I do not know how she caught on to it but ever since her daddy taught her how to do the "motorbike sound", she does it non-stop now...and as a result mummy's hair drops in significant amount...to a point of worry...mummy has never lose so much hair before.

She is taking in 8 oz of formula now. So far still no signs that she is ready for solids. Maybe when she has manage to teach herself to sit, then maybe mummy and daddy can let you taste other form of food other than milk.hehhehe cannot wait for that. most of all mummy wants to get you a high-chair so that you can eat with mummy and daddy and consequently we no longer have to take turns eating (Actually, I cannot wait to do the shopping in preparation of that,hahhaha). And she weighs at 7.6kg now.

Ooh talking about shopping...mummy and daddy took her to Toys 'R' Us during the merdeka public holiday (Happy 50th Merdeka, Malaysia!) and got her TOYSSSSSSS!!! hehehhe. I figured that she is now ready for those developmental toys...other than her rattles and her fancy teether (how do you spell this?). Mummy went overboard with the shopping and got her "Tickle-Me-Elmo" from fisher-price, and two others that literally blew a hole in mummy's pocket....and you don't know how proud mummy was when Daanya actually was curious to touch her new toys and after a while wanting to put them in her mouth except for Tickle-me-Elmo...where mummy and daddy have to put him separately from her other toys and monitor her closely as Elmo laughs his belly off because he is one big and heavy fella to operate.

We are both so proud of her achievement to date. We glow and smile just at the thought of her and what she can accomplish. A definite favorite conversation piece. She is to turn 6 months next Sunday (23/9/07), and be sure to check in to that...

***A chance for a better life***

Honestly, I do not know where to begin. I have been feeling down for I think a couple of weeks now. This past week I have been blessed to get some off days from work and for that few hours away from responsibilities. Spent some time with my little sis, something I have not done in a while and somehow it made me forget. Even though not alone, I felt so liberated....Please don't get me wrong...I love my little family but that moment away from it all (including work) made me feel so free...It was somehow to my advantage that lil sis was around for company or else when alone my thoughts and psyche would go astray. I did not know whether I have enough courage to emit such personal issue here but I need a place to vent maybe to plea maybe even as a prayer..however I look at it...it could all be true...but please be reminded that it is not that I am ungrateful, this might be a sign yearning for help, it could be the spark that could cause a big fire...it could be that I am experiencing depression...it could be anything and nothing...who knows...I do not know what is happening to me...or whether I am selfish...but believe me it is not something that I want to possess and I need to vent it out because I just cannot do it alone and I just cannot say it to you face to face but somehow I need to do something about this before it takes me whole, before it consumes me and turn me into something or somebody that even I cannot recognise. So, hear me from my hearts of hearts....

To tell you the truth, I have been unhappy now for a while...the last moment of tremendous happiness was when our lovely baby daughter was born...total happiness, total bliss!!!To be honest, I am the happiest when Daanya is with me...when I lay next to her every night...when I do all necessary motherly things to her like feed her, or change her or even feed her...whenever I get to touch her and whenever she is in my arms, I am the happiest person on earth...but when she is gone...I get depressed...when she is not with me I feel so alone..the loneliest person on the face of the earth...so empty inside, so hollow...even when you are around me, so lonely...so unhappy...but the problem does not lay in Daanya's absence....I admit the problem lays within me and I am so ashamed to admit that I have been feeling this for quite some time now and never had the guts to open up to you...I feel that things have changed between us...I do not know why...maybe it is the never-ending responsibilities....or the fights during confinement or even now, maybe the 11 years we've been together, maybe even the exhaustion...but things are just not the same between us anymore...the intimacy and the affection I just don't feel even (am so sorry to say this) the love, I feel it all diminishing...to a dangerous point...but please understand...this is all happening within me...like I said I have been feeling this for a while now...I feel that we are not on the same path anymore...you go your way and I mine. We hardly talk even communicate...we hardly laugh till our bellies want to burst...we don't even eat together anymore...and I always get disappointed that I don't get to accompany you while watching tv and even when I do after 15 minutes I'll be too sleepy and finally hit the sack often again without you...I don't know what to talk to you about anymore...the only conversations we strike are all about RESPONSIBILITIES and MONEY...stress!!!It used to be that that silence between us is so trusting, so comfortable...now I simply hate the silence...

I miss the things we do just the two of us...the impromptu trips to the movies, suppers and teh tariks at night, even short drives here and there also trips to the supermarket just to get groceries.Believe it or not I even miss us hanging out at Dr. Siti's clinic waiting for our turn...that bad!All those things that we used to do...I envy the fact that you still get to do your own stuffs, hang out with your friends and all while I have to think about getting more clothes for baby D cause she is outgrowing what she has now...or even how much to take out from my accounts to start her education fund...check whether she is progressing on her developments, my weekend schedule - the cleaning, the ironing, when will we be able to eat in our own house? do we even get to eat at our own house, saving for the kitchen I want, even saving for the damn TagHeuer the stupid maid stole,what to wear for Raya, so many many issues - pending issues!

I feel that we are both different people now...and I admit of pulling myself away from you. I have so much rage and resentment in me...things that I cannot figure out...things that upset me but just cannot tell...I keep imagining all the "what ifs"; what if I hadn't gotten married? what if it was not you I married? What if I went ahead and followed my dreams? what if we did not decide to have a baby? All the what-ifs you can imagine....I yearn so much for a better life...again not that I am ungrateful...but a life where everything is accessible and unlimited, no constraints...a life where you and I with the baby are filled with no worries.A life where future is assured at least D's future is...a life where our own daughter can stay put in one place that she belongs. So many yearnings...but so unattainable, wishful thinking perhaps.

I hate it that when I have something interesting to say (maybe to me it is interesting), you pay no interest and put on a blank look on your face and this automatically causes me to react the same when you have something to say. I hate it when you see my worries as petty compared to yours and hate it when you compare your exhaustion with mine...LOATHE it when you think that I am so free at work....hate it when you think I can handle chores
alone...hate it when you say things are going to be ok when I know it never will...hate it when you are not consoling and comforting...hate...hate...hate...so much HATE!!!

On the other hand, I pity you and what you have to go through to make sure we have enough of everything. I often get so sad when you have a good idea but never pursue it for the chance of a better life...to a point that I want to just get out of this place even migrate out of this country...nothing works for us here..everything is so bleak...

All this feeling causing a turmoil in me...work is so unstable...though the extra cash would do us good...but you and I both know the outcome of that.Everything lately has just accumulated itself and stored within me...and I jus don't know how to say it...I think I am falling apart and that have caused us to fall apart...at least me from you.I miss so many things of the past...the comfort, the accessibility, the affection, the intimacy....i feel all is gone at least within me....they say this can happen when all gets overwhelming especially new parents with a new baby. They also say post-partum depression can come much later. I really do not know what this is? I have tried to make it all go away...but it is beginning to take over me...Actually, I have even planned a getaway just the two of us in honor of your birthday and have made arrangements for Daanya's logistics...but stupid me have to get all sick and with the operation and getting better it all didn't happen...I was so sad for days because of that...I thought time away from it all would help us or at least me spark things back between us and maybe make some of these negativity go away....***sigh*** and have tried other ways but nothing...I still feel the same...

I am so scared that this might consume me...and that it would be too late to turn back..I fear so much to be a statistic...I fear so much that if we don't do anything, nothing could save us, our marriage and the almost 12 years relationship. Everything is just so stressful. Life for me now is so pressuring, so tight and so limited. You may think that things are well that it is ok....but believe me it is more severe than you think because as I am composing this, I have tears in my eye...I now believe I am crying out for you to help.because yang, I do not feel it anymore...the love...I've dug and dug but I cannot find it...everything has be too ordinary, too mundane...I no longer feel the excitement when you come home from work...I get angry when you don't put things as they were when you know I've slaved to keep the house in order...so many..only I don't show it...I keep it all inside...a fault on my part...I really do not know what to make of this. All I know is I tried alone but too many obstructions causing me to hate the situation and continues feeling nothing...I have not given up faith...and I know it is not too late...this may sound egocentric, I don't care...I need to be happy again..I need for my heart to skip a beat whenever I see you or when I know you are coming home...I need to feel secured importantly...I need the excitement back...I need to feel loved and to love again.

I am so sorry that this is the approach I chose to convey this to you...but it has to be let out without you being distracted. I need you to know how serious this is...I am not ready to lose you and to sacrifice what we have built over the years especially not when it comes to Daanya...It is important to me for her to forever know that her mommy loves her daddy and also the other way around. This may be a phase...people will say that...I don't care what it is...all I know is I cannot go around feeling like this anymore....it is taking a toll on me personally and causing me to hate my life and us and I really do not want to feel like that...let's make it work...even with what little feeling I have left......

Now, while you are out, at 2:30am, I am still the mommy at home who has to put Daanya back to sleep cause for some reason she's woken up.....I guess sometimes you have to the Daddy and the mommy at the same time...how can I simply sleep knowing it is just us gurls here at home? ***sob***

***And the award goes to....***

A long forgotten award....hehhehehe....I knew I had this stashed somewhere...but totally forgot until I went through Baby Boon's updates the other day...

***sob sob***I just want to soak up this historic moment and thank those little people that I stepped on to get me here......hahahhahahahahha...totally out of character!!!

No, really.....Very much appreciation to those people or shall I say contributors that even to this day make my life a little bit interesting and worth penning down...Hazmy, my soul mate...the love of my life...without you I know alot of things are impossible....Thank you for letting me recite stories of my life in which also include ours without any criticism....

Thank you especially to my lovely baby daughter, Daanya just for being you each and everyday of your nearly 5 months of life...you know you are my inspiration....I love you with my all....

Thanks Nina for the award....I think it is getting to my head a bit...hahahhahahah....but it was so thoughtful...for that I am not going to award this to any other...let me relish this moment...hehheheh over giler!!!!

p/s: Thank you so much to DJ JJ from Hitz Morning Crew for leaving a comment....You ROCK!!!

***Archetypal***

It was a typical Tuesday morning. Woke up, showered and waited for Daanya to wake up roughly at 7 - 7:30am before Tok Papa comes over and pick her up. At 7:30am sharp she woke up and Tok Papa came. Right on time as per schedule. Daanya left for Tok Papa and Tok Sha's. So I decided to get ready for work. At 8:15am bade goodbye to sayang "muah muah". La di da di da....the song played on the radio.Was listening as usual to Hitz.fm. Then Priscilla Patrick came on. "An accident right after the Bukit Jelutong toll exit....On lookers adviced to keep on driving" I thought ok maybe not that bad lar must be that usual corner on the ramp up heading to KLIA....Went through the smart tag lane and there it was.......a MASSIVE backlog!!!!Scanned my petrol level indicator thingy....OMG nyawa- nyawa ikan!!! Sempat ke tak ni??? Ok gamble....worse comes to worse call sayang to bring petrol...hehhehehe tahan je lar if I have to stop at the emergency lane....The queue was so bad that we only probably moved an inch a time. *sigh* this must be a fatal one.....crawled and crawled and crawled..Clock says "8:35am"....and I am still here right after the toll....Harummmppphhhh panas!!....Lucky JJ and Rudy was interviewing Mr. Indicator. That cured the boredom and the ke"panas"an....there were moments that I couldn't help the smirk on my face...they were really funny I tell you...still crawling crawling an inch a time.

8:50am - passed the jam....ALAHAIIIIII!!!Bad enough it wasn't fatal...just a GTI that probably knocked God knows what bumper fell on the left corner while the other still in tact...and already moved to the emergency lane....haiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa could not help to let out an angry "That's it???" 20 minutes of crawling and that is it????? Priscilla Patrick came back on..."Jam on NKVE after the Bukit Jelutong toll....Onlookers you are causing a backlog all the way to Klang"....Ya Allah!!! So typical of us Malaysian isn't it? Very qay-po....It was no big deal lar...at least not to us who are not involved in the actual accident...why do we have this habit to look to a point that even when we've passed the accident our heads are still turned back 180 degrees to see what happened? Some still want to qay-po and look through the rear-view mirror whatever.....So sickening!!!A backlog all the way to Klang is much too much isn't it????? The journey was so clear after that it was so unbelievable!

9:30am - reached office...LAMBAT!!!!though it is not that a big a deal to reach office before10:30am,but still!!!!Had tonnes to finish!!!!

Arrrggghhhhh!!! Something needs to be done larrr.....

***Intermission***

Just a short note to request you to take just a brief intermission from your daily routines and vote Daanya here for mix.fm's baby idol contest. Mummy and Daddy are hoping to start her education fund and the price money would definitely help jump start the initiative. :)

***Daanya @ 4 months***

Daanya has grown so tremendously since the last month. Her 3rd month she weighed at 6.8 kgs now in her 4th she weighs at 7.6kgs. No wonder mommy feels a pang of backache while putting you to sleep. She has also developed so well...still eager to acquire new skills just to kindle her own expanding intelligence. I look at her everyday and felt so blessed to have her and to watch her. I love to watch her sleep especially when she does her helicopter manoeuvres as though her cot is not a big enough space for her to move around in. In the end mommy and daddy end up placing her in between us so that she can have all the space she needs only to find out that with us she does not even move a muscle of her position. Cheeky I tell you...so to console ourselves we came to the conclusion that probably she misses us and need to feel our warmth bla bla bla....hahahhahahaha perasan is what mommy and daddy has become!!! So peaceful and relaxed is what she is like when she sleeps. And everytime the same thought goes through my mind "I love this little girl so so much that there are just no words. Mommy would do anything for you Daanya just anything".

This time around we took her to Tok Sha and Tok Papa's family friend, Dr. Yap for her 4 month jab. She was such a good girl...only cried when the needle went in and stopped when the needle was out. Then she only concentrated on the hanging mobiles on Dr. Yap's ceiling. It was a mobile of a wooden bird in which we can tug its string to flap the bird's wings...very very captivating even for mommy."This would go well hanging from our pergola wood at our porch overlooking mommy's garden patch so eye-catching for Daanya, perfect!". He said he got it in Thailand....anybody heading for Thailand???? I really nak pesan!Anyway....he measured he height in which he concluded that Daanya is well above average at 63cm...he even took out this whole graph chart book thingy. Impressive! However, Daanya is a bit overweight when compared to her height. But nothing to be worried about, he says...she will soon shed the weight when she is more active. Very kay-po! (is that how you spell it?)hahhahha he calls Daanya...hahahha.As he talks and explains Daanya would just stare at him and when we ask questions she would then turn to us and then him again....hahahha that's why lar kay-po....hahhahaha. Dr. Yap also mentions that that is a good sign that she is attentive and very curious of her surroundings until the point where she got tired of just paying attention and let out a loud "haihhh" hehhehehehe probably fed up that people are not focusing on her and not talking to her.hahhahaha that was a good one...so, Doc also recommended for us to keep on stimulating her intelligence and not waste it...especially when she is "jendul" front and back!hahahhahaha...(Wo, I so remember our jen jen story!!!One of my besties, wo, named her cat jen which I thought was short for jenny/jennifer/jenet??? but instead it was short of jendul cause her cat is actually jendul!!!hahahhahaha you just had to be there!)

Doc also told us that we can start her on rice cereals now if we want to. But we figured that she is doing so well with her formula why chance it...We'll just wait till she's probably 1...but mommy and daddy will see if Daanya is receptive at that point. But definitely this first 12 months we will just stick to formula where all the vitamins and minerals and nourishment are adequately provided. As it is she is already taking 7-8 oz of formula....so Doc said no problem...formula is sufficient for the first 2 years. So that was a productive time at the clinic. Rather informative. Plus the whole thing was free...including the jab....hehehhehehehe bless you Dr. Yap....

Daanya's other milestone development include rolling over.She would roll and roll and roll left and right...hehhhehehe so cute...but sometimes so dangerous!She would sometimes place her hand at her side not placed correctly in front of her and if she would turn over she would probably sprain it.

Oh, she is teething as well....hehheehe...a cute little white tooth on her bottom jaw on the way.No wonder she is salivating excessively not only that everything that she grabs she needs to put in her mouth including mommy's and daddy's hands. Gosh she loves her teether...The whole thing just "plop" in her mouth and bite bite away.

She is also even more curious now...she's just got to touch everything she has interest in. She has a knack for artsy things like paintings, ayat-ayat quran even motifs on a cushion cover. Does this indicate anything?To a point that she will roll and roll and roll to get to those things she has her eyes on.And ooh can she talk now...she will make all possible noises exercising her lungs away. One very significant one is when she would what I call the sound of the siren. She would go "hmmmmm" in loud and soft volume alternately...loud and soft loud and soft....hehheheheh so funny i tell you that she too would amuse herself and laugh...hahhahhaha. She also loves looking at herself in the mirror...funnily she finds that amusing too. One look at her own reflection in the mirror and she would laugh away.

Amongst other developments mommy noticed is the "swimming" action. While on her tummy and want to get to something of focus she would do this swimming action where she does the freestyle while being supported by only her tummy. Yup all legs and hands actually in motion. She does this probably thinking she is moving towards the object of focus but in reality she did not move an inch...hhahahhaha then she would get so frustrated and cry...hahahhahaha. She actually did the combat movement then she just stopped doing that probably because she would get so exhausted. But with that combat movement she was able to reach for her teddy or teether or anything in focus. Now she just does the freestyle...

All in all mommy is so proud of her achievements to date. She is so very eager to learn and somehow acquiring all skills at one go...Mommy cannot wait for her to be able to sit herself down so that mommy can buy that baby chair mommy's been eyeing from Graco....hehhehehe or even for daddy to get that recaro baby chair for his Impreza which mommy thinks that the Recaro would just always end up in mommy's car instead.